Two-Job Day

Like the title says, today is a two-job day--worked a medical improv gig this afternoon, and working at my day job... at night. I've moved my office two floors up, but tonight's shift I have to work from the desk next to my old station. I'm feeling a bit split focus today-- in two places at once, as it were.

I'm still looking for that new play idea--maybe looking too hard, since it seems less and less likely that I'm going to find that PERFECT IDEA. It may be time to start working on something less than perfect. I've been entertaining the idea of writing some short plays, just to get back in the swing of things. And there seem to be tons of places that accept short plays, for festivals and contests and readings and such. I am also beginning to really worry that I may never write again. Which may be the reason that people keep writing--to prove that they are, in fact, undefeated.

There is one idea that keeps coming back, that keeps presenting itself to me (which is always a bit creepy), but I don't really have this one tiny thing called a story. Or characters. Or anything. Just a vague idea. Which means I need to keep thinking.

But I'm getting impatient.

Closed

Yes, we closed on Sunday afternoon, had a lovely dinner and drinks together, and then it was over.

I'm totally bummed about it. I wish I could have kept doing the show forever.

I promptly got the stomach flu the next day, adding to my bummitude.

Annnnnd I'm back at my day job today... oh joy, oh wondrous day!

Countdown to my next crack at the full-time creative life... 68 days, give or take a couple of days. But next time I get to try it in another city!

Anyway, I've got about 1500 or so emails to get through. I'm going to treat myself to a latte or something to celebrate making it into the afternoon times.

Hope your days are going swell, friends.

Oops

So apparently I fell down a little on my resolution to post once a week here. I've been busy, though! Here are some of the things I've been doing:

1) I lived through Tech Week.
2) The show is up and running.
3) I have a lot of free time, which I'm feeling guilty for "not using well"
4) I still don't have an idea for another play
5) I'm trying not to panic about that
6) I haven't been to the gym in two weeks, because of a foot injury that keeps on hanging on and really sucks
7) I've been procrastinating going to a doctor about that
8) I've been getting nervous about my return to my soul-sucking day job
9) I've been drinking a lot of tea
10)I've had some requests for my work from theatre companies and have been dutifully walking them down to the post office.

I am so over winter, you guys. We've had this period of weather that's been +2C or so, and I just want it to get a little warmer so everything will MELT and summer will come even faster.

I'm also surprised to find that I miss the gym. Who knew?

And how have you been doing?

Surprise Day Off...

Today was my surprise day off--because I'm only in the 3rd act of the show, we weren't going to get that far in tech today, so I missed the first 10 out of 12 (rehearsal from 12-12, but with a total of 2 hours' break, meaning you only work ten out of twelve hours). It would have been especially great if I didn't have to leave the house, because it was -42C in the wind today (but a balmy -28C otherwise). I don't know what that is for my pals in the US of A, but suffice it to say it is FREAKING COLD.

I did finish C25K on Saturday, so I'm feeling pretty proud about that... although I am a pokey pokerson, so I think the next order of business is to increase my pace.

Other things to do:
FINISH THIS #&$% SCARF THAT IS A CHRISTMAS PRESENT!
Sort my receipts (ugh) for taxes
Clean, clean, clean

The glamourous life of the artist, am I right?

I'm loving having so much free time... so much that I am seriously considering just not going back to my job in March.

I know, I know.

But it's nice to think about..

Sometimes the day off gods smile upon you...

I had a day off today (did I mention I'm not in this play very much?), and I "wasted" it by staying in bed with an earache. But then the deities of days off looked upon me with pity and it was good--I have another day off tomorrow!

Yes, I am one of those people who tries to pack as much as possible into their day off. I feel guilty if I spend the day doing nothing-there are so many projects I could be finishing! So many errands I could be running! So many workouts I could be doing! So many postponed blood tests (an exciting byproduct of my current meds) to be taking!

I'm never sure if I should be working on that--I do find it hard to relax and just take time for myself, yet I also kind of love being occupied with a bunch of different personal projects.

I don't really miss being at my job at all--I think my boss felt like since I was so committed to keeping everything running that I was a huge control freak who would have problems detaching. When in reality, the opposite is true... I'm all "Good luck, suckers!" I confess: I do check my email every few days,mostly to file it so I don't have 7000 emails when I get back. And... I may laugh a little at some of them, in a jerky way, like a jerk would do. And then I don't think about it at all.

Tomorrow: 2nd last run of Couch to 5K. Followed up by some Value Village shopping. Then possibly followed up by reading a book at a coffee shop... the weather is dismal here, cold and snowing, so I sometimes get lazy about going places. Then, some cooking.

If I could find someone to pay me to do this all the time, I'd be set!

Overheard at my Big Fancy Costume Fitting:

Designer: Let's try on some hats!

Me: (in a cautionary, yet still jovial (let's call it jovionary) tone): Just so you know, I have kind of a big head, ha ha ha...

Designer: Ha ha ha... here, try this one.

Me: It's really dashed my hat dreams before--I think this is too small.

Designer: It certainly is. Try this... no, you really don't want a fedora, do you? All right, how about... hmmm.

Me: Right?

Designer: You do have quite a large cranium there... well, we'll find you a hat....

(Long pause.)

Designer: On second thought, let's look at babushkas!


On second thought, let's look at babushkas...

Tagline for my life?

First Day

I just wanted to do a quick post on my first day of rehearsal!

I was nervous yesterday. NERRRRRVOUS. But of course everyone was very nice and professional and lovely and it was amazing to see my name on a dressing room door, and to get measured for costumes and to realize that I might have an appointment with THE WIG DEPARTMENT(!) and about a hundred more things that were new and exciting!

It was also intimidating. I mean, these people were PREPARED beyond anything I've experienced in a while. And I remembered how much work this is, and how much of yourself you have to give and how much courage it takes to do this work. And no, it's not curing cancer or fighting wars, but it's important--and, I realized, where I feel at home. Well, maybe a haunted home because it was so scary as well.

I keep finding myself going back over--did I say enough? Did I say the wrong thing when I did talk? My reflex in new situations is often to just listen and learn as much as possible... which can backfire in that people think I'm incredibly shy or that I have nothing to say. I tried to analyze everything, really--and right now I'm working on giving myself a break because IT'S MY FIRST DAY AT A NEW THING.

It was also very interesting to hang out with people who are bona fide professional actors--as in , actors without a joe job, who pretty much make their entire living from it. They didn't seem to have any of the apologetic "Well, I also do this art thing" that I catch in myself or in some of my friends. They may very wel be insecure about themselves, or their talent, or other things, but they were very confident on the point of "Yes, I am an artist. And?" No apology needed. No question that I would believe them. And no question that they believed that I am an artist too, since I was right there at the table with them.

I have a costume fitting tomorrow, and then I don't return to the rehearsal hall for another couple of weeks.

Which I'm already looking forward to!

Friday is like Monday is like Friday

Hi guys.
I'm back at work for the first time in two weeks, and am I ever thrilled about it! No, wait, what's the opposite of thrilled?

The latest and greatest incident in my continuing work saga is that my paycheque last week was strangely smaller than I thought it would be. I chalked it up to me missing what pay period we were on... besides, there's no way to check in with anyone, since everyone is still away for the holiday.

Well, today I looked at the actual pay stub and compared it to my schedule-- over 40 hours are missing from this cheque. Seriously, an entire week of work. Can that really be a typo? I had a little difficulty writing a polite email about that one. Not that it matters, because everyone's away on holiday until next week. It's bad enough that I am still working here, but when they stop paying me... grrr.

I got a call inviting me to the first day of rehearsals for my new gig--because I have such a large and signficant role, I won't be joining the group officially until the third week of rehearsals. But I will be going in for the first day to meet everyone and see the design presentation and be in the first read and all that good stuff. Eeeeeescary/Awesome!

Naturally, my first thought was "What should I wear?"

I suppose I should tell my job about this show. I am waiting to hear about another Big Important Thing With Little Likelihood Of Coming Through before I email them, though.

I am supposed to hear today.

I am impatient.

Thank goodness my first day back is followed by two days off.

2012/2013

Hey there friends and neighbours,
Long time no see! I hope you've been having a merry merry and a happy happy this holiday season. Just like everyone else on the internet, I've been doing some reflecting about the past year and the year ahead.

2012 was difficult for me--I'll be happy to see it get the hell out of here later on today. I struggled with an increasingly bad work situation, with a long-ass bout of depression, with getting rejected to pretty much every.single.thing I applied to, with feeling creatively drained and wondering if I really belonged in this business of show.

There were some good points--a week-long workshop of my play with some amazing artists, a couple of little acting gigs here and there, meeting some great writers, making some truly supportive friends. I started running, and just yesterday I ran nearly 4km, which is pretty impressive considering I could barely run for half a block just a couple of months ago. But still, I'm not sorry to see this year go.

2013 is looking pretty good from here. I've just booked a gig (that I've told hardly anyone about) at a big theatre: tiny part in a big-budget production. I am simultaneously stricken with anxiety and excited to start work. I'm doing a workshop out of town in May, and I'm waiting (skeptically) to hear on something that may fill in some of the intervening time. I have some ideas about some other things I'd like to do this year.

I'd like to say I'm someone who doesn't make resolutions, but frankly, if something involves a list, I'm on it. I have a couple of specific ones (the usual--lose some weight, update this blog more regularly), but I'm mostly envisioning a general direction for 2013: creating and rediscovering myself as an artist. Giving myself permission to be an artist again. Taking risks. Having more compassion for myself while I do all that.

I'm feeling pretty optimistic about this year--what about you?

I know this should be Nine Days Left, but...

It's actually one day left... tomorrow I'm going to give my notice. I'm a little nervous and a little excited.

Freedom!

Twenty.

According to all of the many "How many days until" websites (why so many?), there are 20 days until I give my notice. Now that I've decided to do it, it's hard not to just throw it out there at work. But I'm holding back. I don't think they'd say "Well, just leave now, then", because they will be (and this is not ego talking) be kind of screwed without me.

Some of my friends have said "Don't give them a second more than two weeks' notice, because they've been terrible to you". Ultimately, I'm giving them three weeks' notice, and I've been planning the conversation... I think it will come as a surprise until they think about it a little.

So, new year, new start and all that... and once I actually quit my job to be an artist again (I mean, there are other reasons I'm quitting, but this is the big one), I actually HAVE TO DO IT. No more "Oh, if only I had the time to do this project", or "I wish I could just try this thing out". No ifs. The time will be NOW. Well, now being January, but you get the drift.

And I've been thinking a lot about my struggle with feeling worthy as an artist--despite having a fair amount of professional success creatively, I still have trouble with saying "Here I am and I have this to say and it has value". I've been thinking about how to fight that... I have been making a list of all the things I CAN do when I feel like there's nothing I can do to further my career. Stuff like get new headshots, or submit even more scripts, or get some friends together for a play reading, and all that good stuff that empowers you in what can be a very disempowering business.

I think that for me some of it lies in indulgence. I mean, creating things is a very self-indulgent process--you sit with your idea and dedicated time to thinking about it, shaping it, dressing it up differently, asking other peoples' opinions. Very self-indulgent... in a good way. But it's challenging for me to be self-indulgent for stuff like, say, practicing singing--I feel weird taking up time and making these sometimes terrible sounds that people have to hear. It's easier just to deny myself and not take the risk. But that's a risk that should be taken. And there are plenty of examples like that where I don't feel like I "deserve" to spend time on something, or to have time and attention spent on me.

So I'm going to be thinking about being self-indulgent for the next few weeks--trying to sow some seeds and creating some new habits. It sounds fun... and difficult.

Twenty days! (And then twenty-three days after that.)

Survey says...

The workshop went great--I got a ton of work done on the play (an entire new draft, actually), and the actors all really loved the show. We also had a set designer come in and come up with a design concept and groundplan, that we used to put some scenes on their feet. It was pretty amazing to see it in three dimensions, and also to think about the play in terms of another person's interpretation of the visuals.

The reading also was great! I just wish a few more people had seen it. I mean, I asked a lot of people to come, and I know they aren't all doing shows/going to a friend's birthday party/staying home washing their hair. And I know that if I were someone more "important", they would come. And I guess I'm speaking about the people in the theatre community, rather than the general public at large. I think I need to stop putting so much stock into the opinions of other people (or at least those particular people, because I get disappointed so often.

To be honest sometimes it feels like I'm going to have to convince every single person in the world of the value of my work, one by one. Okay, that sounds wanky. But do you know what I mean? Sometimes it feels like such a ridiculously arduous slog to get anyone to even look at my work, I start to question if it will ever be worth it.

My job is definitely not helping. Interestingly, I learned today that the "budget overage" that meant our department was accused of spending double the usual amount on staff wages and of mismanaging our whole budget by a ridiculous sum... was not a "budget overage" at all. It's either some kind of accounting error, or something someone forgot to label, or something that got charged to our budget by mistake. But this is the reason we weren't allowed to hire new staff (leaving us seriously understaffed), that ultimately caused my boss to quit suddenly in June. And those two things were what caused my other boss to go on stress leave, leaving moi in charge of the whole operation.

But it turns out it was just an "oops". An oops that, had it not happened, could have made my life significantly different for the last 4-5 months. An oops that, had it been addressed rationally rather than accusatorily could have meant a LOT less stress.

Oops.

I still haven't decided if I will wait to give my notice until December 1, or if I will do it sooner. I think it might be a relief to have it out in the open.

I'm excited to start thinking of all the things I'll do in January--my goal is to have that month mostly off, even if I don't get the grant.

Workshop Week

Today was rehearsal day two of workshop week, and I have to say I'm not always sure what my role is... I mean obviously, my role is to learn about the play and improve it--to make sure that any group of actors and production team members would come to largely the same conclusions about what the play is about, whether or not they ever have access to me to explain things.

But I think I miss being able to really dig into a script and discuss it the way the actors get to. Part of it is that I've been working on this play for five years. I've had quite a few workshops, I've heard a lot of people read it. Some parts of the play haven't changed substantially for a long time... because they're right and don't need to be changed. But there are parts of the play that I am SO TIRED of hearing. Is that terrible to say? I'm ready for the next phase, which is to see people on their feet with it.

Work is work... the miracle of today was that this crazy lady who'd threatened to call and impart her crazy on me apparently called her crazy sister who brought the crazy down in person. All while I wasn't there. I am toying with the idea of telling them now that I won't be back after Christmas. I don't want to screw over my boss, who's done nothing to screw me personally. I don't know what to do there. I don't want a big drawn-out production about me quitting, which is what I think it would turn into if I gave my notice now.

I think I'm going to table thinking about it until after the reading on Saturday. Tomorrow they should get on their feet a bit, which will be pretty exciting.

Tomorrow...

..is my first real voice lesson in about a year and a half. I'm excited and a bit nervous. I've studied with this teacher before, she had moved out of town and is now back. I think she and I are on the same page about a lot of things, so I'm hoping working together again will be fruitful. Even so, it's always scary to sing in someone's studio for the first time!

I've just told work "I have a commitment on Friday and I'll be gone for 2 hours", which, considering Friday is the second of 4 10-hour days in a row, they can hardly say no to. I was just thinking yesterday about how this job used to help me be an artist, and now it seems to be blocking me, just through the sheer amount of energy I'm expected to put into it. Too many hours, not enough brain time left for creative things at the end of the day.

Also: MEETINGS. I have 4 hours of meetings scheduled for tomorrow. What is with that? I want to actually get work done, not talk about the work I'm supposed to be doing.

My play reading is a week from Saturday. I just got the email confirming the time and place of rehearsals--I suppose I will know if my rewrite was enough soon enough.

Still two more hours before I can go home!

Too late to say yes?

Howdy, y'all. 55 days left at my job, in case you're counting. It's Thanksgiving weekend up here in Canadia, and I am so thankful I don't have to go back to work until Tuesday!

Lately I've been doing that thing where you look back over previous decisions you've made and try to figure out where things could have gone differently... and I've realized that there have been more than a couple of times when I've said no to things... to offers of gigs, to workshops, to stuff like that... I think mostly because I was afraid.

Afraid of what? I don't know. Of sucking. Of not knowing what I'm doing. All those pesky insecurities. And of course, now I'm complaining that my career isn't where I want it to be, and maybe that's because I said no to things before. So now I have to start saying yes to things, consciously saying yes and not letting myself back down because of fear.

But I wonder... is it too late to say yes to things? What if I said no too many times and I used up my offers?

I'm really hoping that doesn't happen. I mean, I've been guilty of being angry at the universe for not being fair, which I know it isn't, but still...

In exciting news, I'm now starting week 4 of Couch to 5K. I was feeling pretty triumphant yesterday at the gym, until, that is,I got lapped by a speed walker. An older gentleman speedwalking. Who didn't even seem to be working that hard.

Coincidence? Or lesson in humility from the universe?

65 Days...

...and counting. Which is how long I have until it is December, at which point I will be giving notice at my job, after which I will be freeeeeeeeeeeee. Well, either free or begging temp agencies to please let me answer someone's phones before I starve to death.

Time is moving slowly on that front. What I really want to tell some of my colleagues is "If you'd just stop your dickish behaviour, everyone's job would be a lot easier". But I think calling people "dickish" is frowned upon, at least when you do it to their faces.

I was thinking about Facebook today (get it? Faces--Facebook?)and how in some cases it's given me a chance to resolve situations (like when I apologized to someone I'd had a major falling out with in high school, and it still bothered me all these years later), and in other cases it offers a chance to perpetuate dysfunctional, self-esteem-crushing relationships (coincidentally, also a person from high school). I'm sure in days gone by you would just never see those people again, but now they can always find you.

I mean, technically, I could always find them as well, but it seems creepier if they're looking for me.

Sweet Ford above, I cannot wait until it's 50something days left.

One of Those Days

So today I happen to be at work with a vicious red wine hangover--it's been so long since I was seriously hungover at work that I forgot how terrible it is, and how very, very old I feel. I went out with some old friends from work--a combination of folks who have gotten out of this place, and folks who are still here, but with plans to go. It was fantastic... except for dragging myself out of bed this morning.

The day before yesterday, I was feeling quite sorry for myself, because I lost a gig. That is, I got unasked to do a gig. That is, I got unasked by not being asked to do a gig I had previously been asked to do. Totally clear, right? Ugh. It was one of those moments where I thought "CAN NOTHING EVER BE EASY? MUST EVERYTHING ALWAYS BE THE HARD WAY?"

Apparently, the answer to that is... yes.

Did I mention I'm doing a junk food-free September? Because I was eating a little too much deliciousness and figured it might be impacting my ability to lose weight. Of course, I decided to do that just in time to get prescribed a long-term medication that is RENOWNED FOR WEIGHT GAIN. So despite eating better and running, I have been gaining weight, little by little. I have resolved to continue trying.

Now that all my various grant applications are behind me, I can start working on the next draft of my play. Onwards and upwards...

The Spreadsheet of Rejection

Ladies and gentlemen, the McConaughey approach to office interaction is working well so far... even today I've thought to myself WWMMCD? And the answer is, as always... all right, all right, all riiiiiiiiight.

So I have this spreadsheet. It's meant to be a spreadsheet where I keep track of where I've submitted what script, and what the response/followup has been. But lately, it's become the Spreadsheet of Rejection. And it's getting a little discouraging, what with the "no response 1 year, assume rejected" and "no response to followup, assume rejected" and the "form rejection". I was joking about it to one of my friends, and she said "That's horrible! Why would you do that to yourself?"

Well, I do it to myself to remember where I've sent a play... I didn't intend for it to turn out so depressing! But it has turned out a little depressing, hasn't it, friends? I'm trying to think of some things I want to do that have no bearing on whether or not someone likes my work, just things that would be fun. And so far I've come up with:

Take an improv class.
Take a dance class.
Get published in McSweeney's online.

OK, the last one has a little bit to do with someone liking my work. But it would be work other than a play, which seems to be the thing no one is liking at the moment. The improv and dance classes scare the crap out of me, because I'm (a) a control freak and (b)completely uncoordinated and self-conscious. So I have to be careful not to make them "this thing I'm going to do", and instead make them "This thing I'm doing."

I'll try and think of some other things, some of which will hopefully be less frightening.

Until then, may you be all right all right all riiiiiight.

Saturday and the McConaughey Office Theory

I've been oh-so-terribly busy lately--my one remaining supervisor colleague has gone on stress leave, so I get to be the head honcho at work now. I'm working ALL the time, and I miss having the occasional afternoon off. But I'm going to try and stick it out until December, and then I will be free, free, free.

Last time I wrote, I'd been working on a grant. Now I'm working on another grant: I just found out that I've been accepted to a really cool month-long program in another city next May, just in time to make a grant deadline... once I finally get done writing applications and grants, I can get started on the new play draft for the reading in October.

I've also started running again--2 runs in to the Couch to 5K. I'm assuming that eventually I won't feel like I'm going to die, right?

There's not too much more to update--all I do is work.Essentially I am just out of fucks to give... I'm going to do my best to get all the work done and keep the department running, but in the last three months I've seen two other people get so burned out they had to leave without notice. I've been thinking that I should put a picture of Matthew McConaughey at my desk, to remind me that my new attitude is "all right, all right, all right". Seriously, it's not worth it to my mental health to get into a Kobayashi Maru situation. And if I've learned anything about my workplace, it's that people spend a ton of time arguing about things that would never get done anyway, even if they immediately said yes.

Does that sound terrible? It's not that I don't care--I am still doing a good job. But I also care about not burning myself out for the sake of a toxic organization that tolerates shitty behavior from some of its employees.

All right, all right, all right, people. That's my strategy until December.

End of Summer Blues

Autumn is absolutely one of my favourite times of year, but I think that was borne of growing up somewhere that it stayed brisk but warm-ish (sweater weather!) for a while before the snow came. That and the multicolored leaves crunching underfoot. Here most of the leaves are just yellow (and not orange, gold and red), and they stay on the trees for approximately 1.74 days before they all just drop to the ground. Then the temperature drops and the snow comes.

I am, however, looking forward to wearing sweaters, baking pies, making soup, and doing a little Christmas knitting.

I've been feeling a bit blue lately, which means back to the doctor for a crazy pill adjustment. Tapering off of one, starting another, with all the exciting side effects that brings. This particular magic pill is something that's worked for me before, so I'm hopeful this will all start to clear up in the next couple of weeks.

Still working on that grant--I was smart enough to REREAD THE INSTRUCTIONS before submitting, and realized that I was working off of a previous version, meaning I need to rewrite and expand the whole thing. I have till Monday to submit, but I'm hoping just to get it done in the next couple of days and get it over with.

I got the rehearsal schedule for the reading in October, and I'm getting excited!

Plus today I'm getting paid for that show--not a princely sum, but more than expected.
Hopefully things will continue on an upward trend!