Sunday, November 23, 2008

full of pea soup and musings

The pea soup was delicious, if a bit filling. It was kind of like eating really runny mashed potatoes. Fortunately, we had herb olive bread to help out. Of course, this is the kind of meal that tends to expand in your stomach, well after you've finished eating. One bowl was more than enough for me, and now I have lots and lots of soup to freeze.

Nano is going well-- I hit 40K today, surprisingly. Once I realize I only have to hit 1600 or so words a day, I tend to have trouble writing more than that... maybe I'm just the kind of person who needs to hit a goal amount every day. Although today I managed to get out close to 4000 words, possibly because I was actually interested in what I was writing. Still not planning to reread it once November is done, though. :)

Tonight I'm going to book our greyhound tickets and hotel for our Canmore trip-- the first of a series of adventures in which we go visit places and leave them with substantial portions of our savings accounts. Plus I am still searching for interesting, non-churchy places to hold the ceremony... right now I've got my eye on an art gallery and a museum, both of which I will probably go and see once we're there. The community theatre is out, sadly, because as much as I would love my rental fee to go towards supporting local arts, I cannot get this guy to email me back for the life of me. And if I'm having this much trouble now... well, I don't really need the stress of dealing with non-contact all year.

I cannot force myself to try on wedding dresses. I mean, I guess I will have to force myself to try on some dresses. Am I in denial? Is it because I am a bad bride who didn't do her excel sheet yet? At least we came up with an invite list... I believe the numbers sit at around 125, including us. But I expect we may have trouble hitting 60, since we are so very out of town for... well, everyone. And 60 is just fine by me!

Can't decide if I should get my pics printed in colour, black and white, or some of each. This is of course, a busywork type of worry, because ultimately, no one is going to reject me because I sent them a colour photo, or vice-versa. Or because my staple is in the wrong place or something like that. I should really try and limit my worrying to things that I can actually change and that matter.

Hopefully in December I will be doing a redraft of Laws of Thermodynamics (my play, not the actual laws), and perhaps starting a solo project. Of course, I have no idea how to write a solo project, the art form that is at perhaps the greatest risk for wankitude or fontrum. But I suppose I could take a Nano approach to it-- if it sucks, continue to write. If it stil sucks, write something else.

Going to go book some tickets and... well, I was going to say start my spreadsheet, but I will probably watch the Colbert Christmas Special instead.

ps - did I ever mention that two of my secret dreams are to record a christmas album and to have a super-lame cheesy christmas special?

Thursday, November 20, 2008


Today I am procrastinating. Specifically, I am actively procrastinating-- making lists of things to do without actually having to do anything. Sure, I got out and ran some errands today, managed to resist getting one of the Safeway veggie sandwiches that I love so much, yet are decidedly not on Weight Watchers. I checked the wedding planning list on the Knot (god help me), to assess how far behind I may actually be on doing things. I thought about Christmas, and what everyone should get. I should really be working on my guest list, or getting my Nano-ing out of the way for today.
And yet, I am doing nothing.
It could be that I actually need a mental break from doing things, or worrying about what I'm not doing. It's a strange combination of loneliness and indulgence, being here by myself for the week while J is on tour. But if anything, I'm also reminded that the world continues to move at the same speed, whether I want things to slow down or not.
But it's oddly comforting to have so many things to do that I need to make a list. Which gives me the sense of accomplishing something without really making any decisions or taking action. Obviously, the wedding stuff will sort itself out, once we get down there to see some venues and start spending money (yikes, says my bank account). I just proofed my new headshots, so I should be able to send them out right around the same time I send out my Christmas cards.
As for writing, I'm torn. Start a new project, rewrite old project and send it out into the world? Possible to do both at once?
Fortunately, there are so many medical improv gigs lately, I can't possibly feel like a complete bum.
Still, I should probably start actually checking things off my list, before I start adding more.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

oh, poor neglected blog!

I have been away, and busy. At the moment, I'm still planning a wedding, writing a nano-novel (that's nanowrimo, not a very very tiny novel), trying to get my career together. Did I mention that I finally finished that play? I did. My reading was hilariously underattended (as in about 4 people showed up. including me.), yet numerous people I know have said "Oh, I heard your reading went really well!"

Which begs the question: who have you heard this from? And I suggest that the answer is: no one. It is part of the highly sophisticated social code we artists operate under... when you say something like "I heard your reading went really well!", the subtext is often: "I didn't attend your event, but don't want you to feel that I am rejecting you, in case we need favours from each other one day." Or something similar.
Or who knows, maybe the word on the street is that I'm brilliant, and it hasn't gotten back to me yet.

I also picked a photo-- waiting to get the proofs back for my headshot. At which point the plan is to get a shitload of them printed, and to send them out to theatre companies and film agents here in town, with a nice letter saying "Here is my resume and new photo for your files, please hire me/sign me" as the case may be. I like doing administrative work-- I feel confident with it. So at least in this area, the mass mail-out, I can really shine.

Speaking of administration, I finally get to live the day that every little girl dreams of: creating my wedding planning excel spreadsheet. My skills with excel aren't exactly stellar. But I need something to keep track of the budget/guest list/vendors/seating plan for the thing that I'm telling myself is exactly like planning an opening night reception.

While J is on tour, I've also committed to going back on weight watchers. It's not like I've been completely unhealthy lately, but there have been a few things I've let slide. Lack tracking my food. And losing weight. So I'm trying to get back on track before the chocolate season is fully upon us. Which means I reinstated my gym membership (it's been on medical suspension since just before my surgery) and I fully intend to go tomorrow. Even though I find the gym totally intimidating. See what I'm doing there? Already trying to talk myself out of it.

The nano novel is... well, it's really just a writing exercise. I won Nano two years ago, and never looked at my script again. I fully intend to use the same strategy with this one. Surfing the forums, I find it strange to see all the posts from people with "My characters won't do what I want!" or "I saw something online that was discouraging to writers and now I can't write!" or "I've decided to write a novel about alcohol rehab, can anyone tell me what goes on in alcohol rehab?"
OK, I'm being a bit of a jerk here, I mean, maybe this is the only thing some of these folks will write all year. Hell, maybe this is the only major project some of them have ever written. But there's a real syndrome of putting the cart before the horse over there. Like asking about publishing and agents when you're still struggling to get the first 10,000 words out. Or being completely unable to write crap and worry about reading it back and editing later. If Nano reaffirms anything to me, it's that the process itself is not magic. Ideas and inspiration may be a bit magical, but the process itself is pretty straightforward:

You write.
You write a lot of crap.
You write a lot of crap and worry about it later.
Once in a while, things will magically come together through a crazy synchronicity that you should try not to overanalyze.
And, if you don't know much about your subject, either do some research, or make some stuff up. You can always fix it later.

Is that all the news that is the news? I think so. I will try to update once more before the end of the month.

Friday, October 24, 2008

sundry things

Like Cathy, I say "AAAAAACK!" when I realize I haven't updated my blog in a long, long time. Suffice it to say that I am well on the road to a full spinal recovery after my surgery in June, I have finally finished the first draft of my play, and I'm engaged.
So, that's pretty much a recap of the summer and fall right there!

I realized the other day that I own a lot of makeup. But I buy it without a plan-- just picking up a random item here and there, getting it home, and realizing that I have no idea of how to use any of it. My mother doesn't really wear makeup, or do much with her hair, so I didn't really learn any of that at home. And you know how it is in high school/junior high-- some girls just seem to come to it instinctively (besides, those big curling ironed bangs and turquoise eyeliner were in STYLE then). But I just end up feeling like I have the wrong hair, the wrong features, the wrong skin, etc.

I suppose it's a nice change from worrying about what my body looks like. Now I can just concentrate on my FACE and its various flaws. Getting new headshots done will do that to you-- staring into the proofs of 200 nearly-identical photos of your cold, dead eyes.

Fortunately, I do have a bit more of a career plan for myself now, and am working on putting it into action. Well, when I'm not obsessively looking at wedding things. Or trying to write a grant proposal when my collaborator has seriously flaked out on me.

OK I have a few more things to accomplish. See you in another four months! Or more. Or less?

Sunday, July 13, 2008

once bitten...

i've never been someone to just get back on the horse. always been a little shy of getting burned the second time, in a variety of situations. but i have to watch myself-- sometimes this attitude can lead to not getting on the horse at all.
classic example-- career anxiety about people not calling me back. yes, this has continued to happen as of late, and with a few people, some of whom surprise me, since i kinda know them in person and all that. and a couple of months ago, i started pursuing representation with an agent. left him a message, no reply. fine, he's busy, whatever. called again, spoke with him, he asked me to send photo/resume. did so. nothing. sent a pleasant follow-up. nothing.
now, wise words say his loss, besides, do you want an agent who can't be bothered to call you? just move on, there's a few shops in town. but now, there's that "what if none of them want me either" vibe running through my head. stupid, i know. but what if none of them do? i mean, i suppose i could move on to agents in c-town, for whatever that's worth. i could keep writing and do my own thing and make other people want to hire me so much that someone would sign me, eventually. i mean, there are options. options that are hard to see when you're faced with the blaring internal FAIL siren.
i really need to practice saying "who cares? who gives a shit?" more.
remind me to practice that.

do you ever find yourself thinking something about yourself, like one of those automatic thoughts like "oh, i'm not good at sports", or "i suck at math", or "i'm socially awkward" or "i can't dance" or whatever, and suddenly realizing "Why do I think that, anyway?" one of those statements that you realize can be traced back to something someone said to you 20 years ago that you for some reason chose not only to believe at the time, but hold on to for the rest of your life? so it just became something about yourself that you accept, regardless as to whether or not that is actually true?

this has been happening to me, as of late. examining the internal dialogue. and thinking "why did i choose to believe that? and why do i still?" i mean, maybe i am good at sports. or math. or socializing. or whatever. just how do i get rid of the crap that i have chosen to internalize?

still trying to figure that one out.

Saturday, July 05, 2008

i am still alive

that is the most important piece of news. i had back surgery 3 weeks ago today, which seems to have gone really well. my tape-stitchy things finally dissolved today, and it's nice not to have them still stuck to me. frankly, they were starting to look a little worse for wear. and i have a strange, intermittently numb bum side-cheek, but my doctor tells me this is normal during recovery. and what do i know about orthopedic surgery? nothing, that's what. so immediate plans include mucho rest, many recuperative walks, and physio in a few weeks.
oh, and did i mention i might be doing a dance show next year? so rest up while you can, L4/L5 vertebrae!

apart from that, still working at home, loving that part of it. i love being my own boss and scheduling my own day. and if i feel like working extra hard so i can have an extra day off, then that's cool, because I AM MY BOSS. well, truly my boss is my boss. i suppose I AM MY OWN MIDDLE MANAGEMENT. which is good enough for me.

i admit to having fallen off the weight watchers wagon a bit since the surgery. at first i thought i could let things slide since i was horribly ill and barfy for a few days. not eating much means i can treat myself when i feel better, right? but i have to get back on track. though i realized today if there's one thing that WW has taught me, it must be that i can eat some cake, or some french fries, or chips, or a slurpee on a hot day. i just should not eat them all in one day. that being said, only marginally following the program, i've still lost about 4 pounds since surgery, and i expect it to keep going now that i can actually exercise. and, of course, eat properly. i'm hoping to be about 20 pounds down from my start weight for the fringe, which is totally doable.

but enough about my weight insecurities! let's talk about my career insecurities! which, for once, are in no way related to my weight insecurities!
i'm at this point where i'm trying to strike out on my own, and be more pro-active and all that good crap, putting myself out there, being open to new things (dance show? hmmm?). and i feel like people just ignore me. or don't reply to me. and i realize people are busy, and i'm hardly the only one asking for their time. but i also know that i don't sound like a completely rude idiot on the phone or via email. so why no replies? is it just easier to say nothing than to say "no, thanks"? or am i suffering from a case of "don't you know who i am?" syndrome, which runs rampant in my profession?

sigh. continuing to focus on the positive...

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

finally, news!

went to see the surgeon today, and it looks like ye olde back will soon be operated on. which is great news! i was so worried that he would say "nope, sorry, nothing i can do", and then i'd be stuck with some damn crap hell leg pain. i don't have any dates yet, but the nurse assured me that since i'm young and my operation is a short one, it should be quite easy to fit me in. so at least i'm young somewhere! personally, i hope that it's scheduled before the end of june, for the obvious reasons of not being in pain any longer than i have to, and because it looks like i'll be doing a fringe show this year. so i need to heal up in time for rehearsals.
a fringe show? me, who is chronically fringe-unemployed, and even contemplating leaving the biz a short time ago?
strange how things work out, no?
i suppose i'm trying to find a way of satisfying myself with my work. it's hard not to feel like the kid picked last, or to feel like i'm being ignored by the community. because generally i'm being ignored, i think. not because my work sucks, but because the nature of the beast is to be self-centered. which goes for me, too. so the only way to be happy is to make myself happy and define success for myself. this just occurred to me as i was hearing all these details about the readings i'm a part of, how one of my actors dropped out, how i don't know who's directing, how there are apparently contracts that no one has contacted me about.... and so on. i guess in a way i don't really care any more. it'll be nice, and probably inspiring to hear it read in rehearsal, but i don't expect much from the read itself. the read is really being done out of obligation, i think, and i'll take it for the resume credit, but i'm not putting my life on the line for it.
good god, american idol is terrible this year. that creepy younger david is going to make the worst albums. i mean, album.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

tomorrow is today

so. things are looking slightly better today. things really haven't changed, but i'm feeling slightly less melty-downy about everything.
it's raining here. i did have to leave work early due to back issues (specifically, a disc that felt like it was about to explode out of my spine), so i did the rest of my work from the comfort of a firm flat surface. it looks like it may be an evening of lying flat and not moving too much. but another shot at acupuncture tomorrow, hopefully it makes things better for the weekend.
only a week and a half till i see the surgeon.
i'm itching to start some new knitting. i'm thinking a pair of socks, one of the many i have stored on ravelry. although i do have the wool for SNB's Fairly Easy Fair Isle. nothing like a nice wooly cardigan to start the summer off right!
i also want to buy a keyboard. the piano kind, not the typing kind. i don't know how fancy to go. my ideal is to have something full-sized with weighted keys, but i have a feeling that would be out of my price range. whatever it is, it will be an early birthday present/treat for being a good girl and making lots of cash this summer. along with all the other things i will treat myself to.
maybe i should start working on LOTD on my morning commute? force myself to write on the bus?

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

> or = fail?

today has been a real pisser of a day. they say it's the little things that add up, but sometimes the big things add up, too.
i have a mystery eye problem. just a really sore, red eye. at first i thought i had conjunctivitis, (btw, unless you really, really need to know, you should never search for "eye problems" or any related search online. i can't even fathom what would have happened had i used Google Images.) but it's really on one side of one eye. it seems to be slowly getting better, but if it's not really improved by tomorrow, i shall be heading to the medicentre.
en tout cas.
so i have kind of a squidgy looking eye, and i have to wear my glasses (well, i elected to wear them, since i thought it would be kinder to my poor eyeball), which i kind of hate doing. and i dragged my ass to work this morning, where i discovered that since i had to leave early and needed to get my work done quickly, that my keyboard had lost its mind. like when you type, it randomly skips back to the beginning of lines, inserts characters, toggles in and out of caps lock and numeric lock. it's like the keys have been... switched around, somehow. except not consistently. needless to say, i didn't get a lot done.
so i headed to acupuncture, which ... didn't really work today. which sucks. and i have to say i'm tired of talking about my back and how it's going, and do i think i'll need surgery, and how much it must suck, and how other people are sad that it isn't getting better, etc, etc, etc.
came home, prepared to do some work, and just realized that i feel like i'm pretty disappointing to a lot of people. not because of my eye, not because of my keyboard, or acupuncture. but i just feel like a big disappointment. to myself, especially. and i feel like i'm incapable of expressing myself (hilarious, if you think about how much bitching i do here. and that's just on the internet!).
i feel like i have potential, like all i am is potential, sometimes. but eventually, you really need to get to the actual. or actualizing.
something like that. is it that i'm not accomplishing enough? is it that i need to be happy with said accomplishments? do i really just need to chill?
but it's all been building up and i'm feeling frustrated and blocked and all those other things that i'm sure will be somewhat more manageable once tomorrow gets here.
back to watching the primary results. ew, hillary.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

I would just like to say...

that in re-reading old posts, i have discovered two things: one, i used to be a lot cooler. at least on my blog. i made more of an effort. i should get back to doing that again.

here is something i wrote nearly FOUR YEARS ago, which is a far more eloquent expression of some of the things in LOTD than I have achieved as of late:
{snipped blathering on about how the world may end, various theories, etc.}

"there are theories that suggest that all possible outcomes may happen, may have happened, in several times, in parallel dimensions. where every possible choice we could have made is being made. where the world is ending, has ended, is just beginning.

in these dimensions, these other times, these phantom lives, if they exist, the universe still continues to expand in its own time, with all its components drifting farther and farther apart. a yearning, rootless state, we are constant travellers all, satellites without orbit, forever trying to bring order to a world that slips through our grasp as quickly as we can attempt to comprehend it."


part of me says "YES. All things are happening, have happened, will happen. Farewell, hello, farewell, hello, and so on."
Part of me is enamored with the idea of phantom lives, and us as rootless, constant travellers.

A smaller part of me says "Secretly, you have always wanted to rip off Possible Worlds".

And some other part of me says "This is and is not your play."

But isn't it strange how this very theme has been floating through my mind for so long?
I could almost get excited about this again...

Fun on a Wednesday night.

Well, J. is in Ottawa for the day, doing some gig that pays lots o cash and also gets you flown to Ottawa and put up in a hotel. Me, I'm sitting here in a quiet house, exhausted from doing my list of all the little things I had been putting off, and wishing to God there was something on television. I mean, seriously. Every single thing on television tonight is a repeat. Like "Shopping Bags" everything (it was the yoga ball testing episode, btw). I'm seeking refuge from sitting in front of the computer editing things. Yet here I am, surfing the net. Something I never do during the day anymore. Which is hilarious, because at my last job I was constantly checking my email and updating facebook. I guess that's what happens when people ask me to use my thinker.
The job is going well, I think. There was a day of failure when I got many, many notes on my dialogue, but I seem to be living up to expectations once again. But it's going to be really, really hard work getting stuff done on deadline. A punishing schedule, in fact. Fortunately, the free food and no dress code make up for that. Not to mention getting to do some work at home.
What are the things I should be doing?

Writing a play: I don't know anymore if it's cowardice, lack of creativity, or mere lack of time that's preventing me from coming up with the ending to LOTD. The great thing is that I have a workshop and reading coming up at the end of May, and I'm getting a little pressure to request funding for extra workshop hours from another source. I don't know if this is so the actors can get paid for full days, or what, but seeing as how I'm not going to have time for rewrites between days, I don't see the sense in reading the same 40 pages over and over for a full day. I'm really in it for the public reading... and if only three people come to this reading, attendance of this play will be up 300% from the last time! Now that's a statistic I can put on my resume!
I'll get around to it. If nothing else, editing dialogue has already got me thinking about how to tighten up my own.

Setting up my sewing machine and sewing something: this is pretty self-explanatory. I just need to thread the machine. And then make something. Anything.

Meal planning: WW is a little difficult if you don't plan what you're going to eat. Or at least for me, it is. I need to be a little more prepared than I've been this week. That way I won't get all grouchy and low-blood-sugary.

Have I mentioned I hate being a grown-up? I realized this as I paid all my bills, filed my taxes, AND paid my taxes today.
Seriously. An infomercial I haven't seen 4000 times before. Anything. Give me a break, television!

Saturday, April 26, 2008

speaking of vegetarian...

i became a little sad tonight realizing that i won't be eating any of those coke-bottle-gummies any more. i mean, not that i'm allergic to said gummies, or that bad men are preventing me from eating them. but they contain gelatin, clearly not vegetarian, and thus i will choose not to eat them.
they were my very favourite of all the gummy products, though. i hadn't thought of them until J bought a giant vat of said gummies. they're sitting on top of the fridge, next to an enormous box of junior mints (another gelatin product, i'm sad to say).
of course, the food obsession could be due to my joining WW and my subsequent resistance of treats over the last couple of weeks.
could i have become treat-resistant?

the requisite update

so i'm not so good at the daily blog yet. but there are new things, and some things that are not so new, but are still with me.
the newest of the new is that i have a wondrous new gig, editing dialogue for voice-over for a video game company. which is fabulous and perplexing and a little scary. but also lucrative and temporary. so i've decided that due to extraordinary opportunity, i will put off the rest of my grant time until september, when i can resume my regular schedule, and then be happily unemployed until 2009.
fortunately, i get to do a lot of my work at home because i am so gimped out with my back, so i plan to work in some writing and crafting time as part of a balanced mental life.
speaking of my back, i am feeling very stuck and frustrated with it. i hate having to plan my daily excursions. i hate not being able to do things like just randomly go shopping, because i can't walk around long enough to do any browsing. i hate losing sleep and walking like an old lady.
not that i feel overjoyed at the prospect of back surgery, mind you. but it seems like all signs are pointing to "yes" in that regard. i'll know more when i visit the surgeon in May.
maybe because i'm feeling so stuck in general, my "change your life completely" fantasies are taking hold. go back to school for something unrelated? why not? consider becoming a cabaret singer? sure! masters in history? couldn't be any less useful than my undergrad! how about nursing school? or becoming a flight attendant?
and so on. i don't think it's just the prospect of success and accomplishing something that makes my mind wander in this direction. i've always been one to fantasize about having a bunch of different careers. maybe that's why acting and writing works out after all, since i get to have enough of a taste of many different worlds. and the taste is the interesting part of those worlds. none of the annoying, petty, unrewarding parts of any of my imaginary alternate careers.
in other good news? well, i do keep up with the morning pages pretty well. it's really astonishing the volume of pages that get written just by committing to doing it every day.
i've started taking vitamins. okay, i've bought some vitamins, and fully intend to start taking them this weekend.
still vegetarian, which is awesome and keeps me somewhat creative in the kitchen.
i'm thinking of writing a solo show. except that i have no idea of how to do it. and i have this nagging feeling that i should really finish writing LOTD before starting something new. but that's a whole other kettle of worms that i won't bitch about here.
i feel like this post is just me blathering on in a somewhat disorganized fashion. let's chalk it up to the lateness of the hour, my lack of sleep, and what is surely some sort of vitamin deficiency, shall we?

Monday, April 14, 2008

life in limbo

did i say i was going to be updating regularly?
basically, my mantra at the start of each day has been "don't get down on yourself, it's only day of this project." i seem to be fooling myself into having it work so far. i've been doing the morning pages from artist's way quite regularly over the last month or so, and am surprised to find how much it helps. one of these days i'll get around to getting the actual book and doing the rest of it, but small steps, etcetera.
had a lovely meeting with kevin kerr today, the lee playwright in residence at the u of a. he digs my play in progress, known as "The Laws of Thermodynamics". and he had some good ideas about process and approaching act two. some of the usual "don't get down on your writing" stuff, and some more practical stuff, in the sense of "start from the end and work backwards and forwards through the act, rather than start at the beginning". a sort of slide rule approach to the play. of course, my understanding of a slide rule is a cool thing that slides back and forth on a horizontal axis. so don't get the impression that i've suddenly gotten all math-friendly here.
but the suggestion immediately clicked for me-- why not start at the moment i know (the ending) and figure out what happened immediately before? (to those of you who have also read the excellent dramaturgy text "Backwards and Forwards", this will seem elementary to you).
and it was that moment of WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?
which are always excellent moments, because it means that a puzzle piece has clunked into place in my mind. and it seems like it's always the most obvious pieces that take the longest to fit.
also, kevin seemed to understand my completely inarticulate approach to discussing my work. i swear, if i could just barf out some polaroids, this would be much easier for me.
in other news?
let's see, apparently i'm going to an orthopedic surgeon instead of a neurosurgeon, but no word on when that will be. soon, i hope. i needs to get back to walking around again! and shopping!
AND, i am contemplating joining an er... organized weight loss program. rhymes with "Blate Blotchers". but just online. i've heard good things, and i figure i can give it a shot for 3 months and see if it works. yes, it's money. but i think spending some cash could give me the impetus to actually stick with something. cheapskate that i am. in fact, i've gone so far as to transfer the money i would spend to my credit card. now i just need to actually do it.
and as soon as i remember to write the email, i'm dropping the fringe this year. i am number 23 on the waiting list, which could be hopeful, but could mean nothing. i'm interested to see the fringe this year, to see if it's a repeat (or an expansion) of the hot mess it was last year. but i'm not sure i should observe said mess whilst worrying about box office and such. so i will continue to do some work.
fortunately, upcoming projects mean i have an excuse to watch some delicious film noir. any suggestions are welcome.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

checking in

so here i am, checking in. i just found out that my meeting for tomorrow is cancelled, which is the latest in a series of annoying roadblocks. nothing that i can't overcome, but aggravating nonetheless. i'm struggling with the notion of the fairness of life, meaning that it is inherently unfair, yet i can't quite subdue my raging sense that things should be equal. rather a kindergarten approach to life, i know. am i ever going to get my foot in the door? will i ever get anyone to listen to me? at this point, people aren't even rejecting me or my work. they're just not seeing me/returning my calls/emails at all.
but i am getting things done, whether it's organizational stuff like cleaning out my closets and getting rid of all the clothes that look dumb/are falling apart, and also some preliminary writing stuff done, too. not to mention all the exciting medical improvs that come at this time of year.
in real life health news, still no word about a neurosurgeon appointment. waiting for a call back in that department as well.
i keep thinking i'm taking action in life, but not seeing the equal and opposite reaction promised to me by physics class!

Monday, March 31, 2008

back on track

i'm sure no one is even bothering to check this anymore, my apologies for my lack of posting. but the good news is that i'm currently unemployed, which is what lead me to blogging in the first place. so now with all my free time, i'm sure to be posting update after pointless update as an aid to procrastination!
why am i so excited to be unemployed, you may be asking? i suppose i'm not technically unemployed, more correctly, i'm self-employed-- i got a grant which will pay for my living expenses for the next 5 months or so while i do nothing but write and create theatre stuff. which is exciting and overwhelming at the same time.
my "official" start date is tomorrow, it being the first of the month. i have a lot of ideas, and not a lot of thought on how to organize myself. but it's supposed to be about discovering a process that works for me, so let the discovering begin...? something like that.
i'm trying really hard to keep a positive attitude. as in, not being insanely jealous of others to the point where it impacts my own work. trying not to let my own insecurities play into things. trying to redirect my energy for positive steps forward, rather than focusing on the negative. hopefully i'll discover some kind of process to keep those nagging, neurotic insecurities in line, too.
in other news, i just got back from the doctor about my mri results-- i've been having back problems for what seems like forever, and in january i found out that i have some pretty impressive arthritis damage in my spine-- apparently pretty rare for someone of my age, and my doc sent me to get more scans. it turns out that my sciatica (sounds like an old person's disease, i know) is likely caused by a super-bulging-out disc in my lumbar spine. the upshot of this is that i get an appointment with a neurosurgeon to discuss options.
which is a little eek. but on the other hand, not being able to walk for more than about 10 minutes at a time is negatively impacting my life. to say the least. and like my doc said, i can at least wait to get a surgical opinion while trying other things, so if i get better waiting for the consult, then bonus for me. so i'm going to continue on with ye olde acupuncture and herbs and physio and whatever else i can come up with before i let someone get an up-close view of my spine.
now that i have time for me, i'm anticipating having more time to do some cooking and crafting as well. so maybe some pics will find their way here.
i think that's all the news that is the news. today i'm sorting out some financial stuff, and waiting for my last paycheque to come in so i can take care of bills. and i have to buy a new cell phone, my phone finally broke into several pieces. i never thought i would miss it so much, but i do.
so, off to roam the city and do some banking.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

some thoughts on why we do what we do

i'm doing a show right now. well, not right now, right now i'm at home lazing around and resting up the old spine to do a show tonight. our first since saturday night, so it may be a bumpy ride.
the show might gently be described as "a broad comedy", and as such, i predicted early on that "theatre people" wouldn't dig it that much. or wouldn't want to admit it, anyway. no lessons to be learned, no deep pondering on the meta-ness of existence. or any of those things that we sometimes think that theatre is supposed to bring us to. really, it's just funny and goofy and a little original. entertainment.
opening night-- two of the glitterati of our theatre community came out for opening. i was fascinated talking to them after. the he, (a comic book fan) i think generally got what we were trying to do. the she, well, it was strange. she said with completely sincere insincerity "oh, good work." except i'm pretty sure she didn't like it at all. and she knew i knew she didn't like it. yet we were talking in the regular code that you probably don't want to get me started on.
in any case, we've gotten some good reviews, great exposure on cbc, since peter b. apparently loved the show... he interviewed us yesterday, and they're probably going to play the scene we did for them a few more times this week. which hopefully will boost ticket sales.
and we've been averaging really good houses. for an independent production right after christmas, we're doing great houses. i'm beginning to have hope that we'll come close to breaking even with this one. so "regular people", if you'll pardon the expression, genuinely like the show. "theatre people" sometimes seem to think they're too good for it. so what's more important? is it peer recognition? because don't i spend plenty of time complaining about how we all sit around patting each other on the back constantly? am i a hypocrite because i still want to be part of the in crowd?
or isn't general public recognition, dollars-and-sense-bums-in-seats recongnition most important? i mean, the people in the audience are people that i have no idea who they are. isn't that the greatest? people i don't know and have no connection to are paying money to see us.
sadly, none of those people will buy us drinks at the bar.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

what the?

hey! it's 2008! and i'm updating my blog!
it will be a brief update, since i am at work and there is much filing to attend to.
Amaze-o-nauts previewed last night, which means opening tonight. I think we've really reached the point of media saturation, with articles in all four papers, and a few different mentions on CBC. So all that remains to be seen is whether or not people will come to the show. I sincerely hope that at least 275 people come and pay me their money, as that way we can pay everyone we owe money to. And perhaps even pay some of the people who worked on it.
At this point, I am pretty exhausted. To say nothing of the sore throat and earache I woke up with this morning, which I'm sure will develop into absolutely nothing. I was looking forward to going home at noon and having a nap before the show, but then realized that I have to do the programs. And by "do the programs", I mean I have to figure out how to lay out the programs to print properly, then email it to the printer, go there before they close, and fold programs for the last hour leading up to my call.
It's always at opening that I get so ridiculously nervous as to be wondering "Why do I do this?" and, more commonly "What are my lines?"
Hopefully tonight goes smoothly. This afternoon I will curl up on the couch and watch my stories as I whip out a program. Then tomorrow (my day off), I am going to the gym and buying lots of vegetarian food. Good Lord, I am craving vegetables. No voice lesson tomorrow, which is probably for the best. And then, once I get through Saturday's 2 show day, I have two glorious days off from the show, which I think has not happened since... October?
Wishing myself a big merde!