Wednesday, April 30, 2008

I would just like to say...

that in re-reading old posts, i have discovered two things: one, i used to be a lot cooler. at least on my blog. i made more of an effort. i should get back to doing that again.

here is something i wrote nearly FOUR YEARS ago, which is a far more eloquent expression of some of the things in LOTD than I have achieved as of late:
{snipped blathering on about how the world may end, various theories, etc.}

"there are theories that suggest that all possible outcomes may happen, may have happened, in several times, in parallel dimensions. where every possible choice we could have made is being made. where the world is ending, has ended, is just beginning.

in these dimensions, these other times, these phantom lives, if they exist, the universe still continues to expand in its own time, with all its components drifting farther and farther apart. a yearning, rootless state, we are constant travellers all, satellites without orbit, forever trying to bring order to a world that slips through our grasp as quickly as we can attempt to comprehend it."


part of me says "YES. All things are happening, have happened, will happen. Farewell, hello, farewell, hello, and so on."
Part of me is enamored with the idea of phantom lives, and us as rootless, constant travellers.

A smaller part of me says "Secretly, you have always wanted to rip off Possible Worlds".

And some other part of me says "This is and is not your play."

But isn't it strange how this very theme has been floating through my mind for so long?
I could almost get excited about this again...

Fun on a Wednesday night.

Well, J. is in Ottawa for the day, doing some gig that pays lots o cash and also gets you flown to Ottawa and put up in a hotel. Me, I'm sitting here in a quiet house, exhausted from doing my list of all the little things I had been putting off, and wishing to God there was something on television. I mean, seriously. Every single thing on television tonight is a repeat. Like "Shopping Bags" everything (it was the yoga ball testing episode, btw). I'm seeking refuge from sitting in front of the computer editing things. Yet here I am, surfing the net. Something I never do during the day anymore. Which is hilarious, because at my last job I was constantly checking my email and updating facebook. I guess that's what happens when people ask me to use my thinker.
The job is going well, I think. There was a day of failure when I got many, many notes on my dialogue, but I seem to be living up to expectations once again. But it's going to be really, really hard work getting stuff done on deadline. A punishing schedule, in fact. Fortunately, the free food and no dress code make up for that. Not to mention getting to do some work at home.
What are the things I should be doing?

Writing a play: I don't know anymore if it's cowardice, lack of creativity, or mere lack of time that's preventing me from coming up with the ending to LOTD. The great thing is that I have a workshop and reading coming up at the end of May, and I'm getting a little pressure to request funding for extra workshop hours from another source. I don't know if this is so the actors can get paid for full days, or what, but seeing as how I'm not going to have time for rewrites between days, I don't see the sense in reading the same 40 pages over and over for a full day. I'm really in it for the public reading... and if only three people come to this reading, attendance of this play will be up 300% from the last time! Now that's a statistic I can put on my resume!
I'll get around to it. If nothing else, editing dialogue has already got me thinking about how to tighten up my own.

Setting up my sewing machine and sewing something: this is pretty self-explanatory. I just need to thread the machine. And then make something. Anything.

Meal planning: WW is a little difficult if you don't plan what you're going to eat. Or at least for me, it is. I need to be a little more prepared than I've been this week. That way I won't get all grouchy and low-blood-sugary.

Have I mentioned I hate being a grown-up? I realized this as I paid all my bills, filed my taxes, AND paid my taxes today.
Seriously. An infomercial I haven't seen 4000 times before. Anything. Give me a break, television!

Saturday, April 26, 2008

speaking of vegetarian...

i became a little sad tonight realizing that i won't be eating any of those coke-bottle-gummies any more. i mean, not that i'm allergic to said gummies, or that bad men are preventing me from eating them. but they contain gelatin, clearly not vegetarian, and thus i will choose not to eat them.
they were my very favourite of all the gummy products, though. i hadn't thought of them until J bought a giant vat of said gummies. they're sitting on top of the fridge, next to an enormous box of junior mints (another gelatin product, i'm sad to say).
of course, the food obsession could be due to my joining WW and my subsequent resistance of treats over the last couple of weeks.
could i have become treat-resistant?

the requisite update

so i'm not so good at the daily blog yet. but there are new things, and some things that are not so new, but are still with me.
the newest of the new is that i have a wondrous new gig, editing dialogue for voice-over for a video game company. which is fabulous and perplexing and a little scary. but also lucrative and temporary. so i've decided that due to extraordinary opportunity, i will put off the rest of my grant time until september, when i can resume my regular schedule, and then be happily unemployed until 2009.
fortunately, i get to do a lot of my work at home because i am so gimped out with my back, so i plan to work in some writing and crafting time as part of a balanced mental life.
speaking of my back, i am feeling very stuck and frustrated with it. i hate having to plan my daily excursions. i hate not being able to do things like just randomly go shopping, because i can't walk around long enough to do any browsing. i hate losing sleep and walking like an old lady.
not that i feel overjoyed at the prospect of back surgery, mind you. but it seems like all signs are pointing to "yes" in that regard. i'll know more when i visit the surgeon in May.
maybe because i'm feeling so stuck in general, my "change your life completely" fantasies are taking hold. go back to school for something unrelated? why not? consider becoming a cabaret singer? sure! masters in history? couldn't be any less useful than my undergrad! how about nursing school? or becoming a flight attendant?
and so on. i don't think it's just the prospect of success and accomplishing something that makes my mind wander in this direction. i've always been one to fantasize about having a bunch of different careers. maybe that's why acting and writing works out after all, since i get to have enough of a taste of many different worlds. and the taste is the interesting part of those worlds. none of the annoying, petty, unrewarding parts of any of my imaginary alternate careers.
in other good news? well, i do keep up with the morning pages pretty well. it's really astonishing the volume of pages that get written just by committing to doing it every day.
i've started taking vitamins. okay, i've bought some vitamins, and fully intend to start taking them this weekend.
still vegetarian, which is awesome and keeps me somewhat creative in the kitchen.
i'm thinking of writing a solo show. except that i have no idea of how to do it. and i have this nagging feeling that i should really finish writing LOTD before starting something new. but that's a whole other kettle of worms that i won't bitch about here.
i feel like this post is just me blathering on in a somewhat disorganized fashion. let's chalk it up to the lateness of the hour, my lack of sleep, and what is surely some sort of vitamin deficiency, shall we?

Monday, April 14, 2008

life in limbo

did i say i was going to be updating regularly?
basically, my mantra at the start of each day has been "don't get down on yourself, it's only day of this project." i seem to be fooling myself into having it work so far. i've been doing the morning pages from artist's way quite regularly over the last month or so, and am surprised to find how much it helps. one of these days i'll get around to getting the actual book and doing the rest of it, but small steps, etcetera.
had a lovely meeting with kevin kerr today, the lee playwright in residence at the u of a. he digs my play in progress, known as "The Laws of Thermodynamics". and he had some good ideas about process and approaching act two. some of the usual "don't get down on your writing" stuff, and some more practical stuff, in the sense of "start from the end and work backwards and forwards through the act, rather than start at the beginning". a sort of slide rule approach to the play. of course, my understanding of a slide rule is a cool thing that slides back and forth on a horizontal axis. so don't get the impression that i've suddenly gotten all math-friendly here.
but the suggestion immediately clicked for me-- why not start at the moment i know (the ending) and figure out what happened immediately before? (to those of you who have also read the excellent dramaturgy text "Backwards and Forwards", this will seem elementary to you).
and it was that moment of WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?
which are always excellent moments, because it means that a puzzle piece has clunked into place in my mind. and it seems like it's always the most obvious pieces that take the longest to fit.
also, kevin seemed to understand my completely inarticulate approach to discussing my work. i swear, if i could just barf out some polaroids, this would be much easier for me.
in other news?
let's see, apparently i'm going to an orthopedic surgeon instead of a neurosurgeon, but no word on when that will be. soon, i hope. i needs to get back to walking around again! and shopping!
AND, i am contemplating joining an er... organized weight loss program. rhymes with "Blate Blotchers". but just online. i've heard good things, and i figure i can give it a shot for 3 months and see if it works. yes, it's money. but i think spending some cash could give me the impetus to actually stick with something. cheapskate that i am. in fact, i've gone so far as to transfer the money i would spend to my credit card. now i just need to actually do it.
and as soon as i remember to write the email, i'm dropping the fringe this year. i am number 23 on the waiting list, which could be hopeful, but could mean nothing. i'm interested to see the fringe this year, to see if it's a repeat (or an expansion) of the hot mess it was last year. but i'm not sure i should observe said mess whilst worrying about box office and such. so i will continue to do some work.
fortunately, upcoming projects mean i have an excuse to watch some delicious film noir. any suggestions are welcome.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

checking in

so here i am, checking in. i just found out that my meeting for tomorrow is cancelled, which is the latest in a series of annoying roadblocks. nothing that i can't overcome, but aggravating nonetheless. i'm struggling with the notion of the fairness of life, meaning that it is inherently unfair, yet i can't quite subdue my raging sense that things should be equal. rather a kindergarten approach to life, i know. am i ever going to get my foot in the door? will i ever get anyone to listen to me? at this point, people aren't even rejecting me or my work. they're just not seeing me/returning my calls/emails at all.
but i am getting things done, whether it's organizational stuff like cleaning out my closets and getting rid of all the clothes that look dumb/are falling apart, and also some preliminary writing stuff done, too. not to mention all the exciting medical improvs that come at this time of year.
in real life health news, still no word about a neurosurgeon appointment. waiting for a call back in that department as well.
i keep thinking i'm taking action in life, but not seeing the equal and opposite reaction promised to me by physics class!