Sunday, October 29, 2006

just find your genre

so i've been thinking... perhaps my blog is in need of a theme. you know, like those foodie types who cook through some book and post pictures. or knitters who post about their projects. i think due to my lack of attention span, the theme would have to change every month. but perhaps i could devote a month to eating something with lemons in it every day. or maybe finding weird shit on ebay every day. or trying to read war and peace and posting my thoughts about it. EVERY DAY!
well, i am half serious. i think it would be a fun project. i mean, somebody must read this stuff? anyone?

in other news, i had yet another dream that my teeth were screwed into my jaw, and i kept accidentally popping them out. of course, at the time i thought "that's weird", and continued about my business, not realizing that i was loosing several teeth every minute. there was even one tooth that came out that was the size of my fist. i examined it, then realized it was a plastic tooth-shaped case of enormous proportions, in which was contained my plain old normal-sized molar. with a screw in the bottom.
by the time i realized "holy shit, i have 3 teeth left in my head" i was already involved in some intrigue with a fugitive from a tour bus, and having to reunite him with his lover. also, calling my dentist every few minutes.

perhaps i should focus my blog on my continuing concerns with my dental health.

but that would just be gross.

Friday, October 27, 2006

an open letter to gowan

dear gowan (or should i call you larry?),
i can't help but notice that it has been over a week since i asked you to be one of my myspace friends. this is a select honour, as i am virtually friendless in all aspects of my life. sure, i could have searched out glass tiger, or chilliwack, or frozen ghost, or any of the other greats of canadian music, but i chose you. perhaps it was your great hits like "cosmetic", or "strange animal" that drew me. if you'd bothered to view my profile, you would notice that i have chosen to share your masterpiece "criminal mind" with those who visit my page.
well gowan, i've just about had it. i'm tired of being greeted by the message that i am *still* waiting for your approval. i've got half a mind to cancel my request and search out gino vanelli instead. perhaps, like black cars, my profile would "look better in the shade". and then you'd be s.o.l, gowan.
still, i can't help but wonder if tomorrow your approval will shine down on me like so much sunshine after a long, gloomy rainstorm. only then will my friends list be truly complete.
so won't you please take a moment to approve my request? i think you'll find that i'm a kind, considerate, loyal friend. need to talk about the problems recording your latest single? i'm there. depressed about your thinning hair? let's go for coffee. need to know that i won't desert you for the friendship of alfie zappacosta? just check out your friends list. i'll be there for good.
hopefully this has cleared a few things up. i look forward to a long, long, internet friendship.
yours truly,

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

life in the big city

so here in stabby, stabby e-town, crime is a fact of life.
i was walking through the mall downtown, coming down the escalator outside of winners when i saw 2 guys steal a bunch of stuff. it was pretty well planned, for a shoplifting. one of them left the store with a group of people, his merch setting off the alarm. then, in the confusion of old ladies standing around looking through their bags to see what still had tags on it, the other guy took a flying leap through the exit. the two guys took off through the mall, dropping their bounty and stopping to pick it up, then body checking some poor guy into a door in their haste to get out.
oddly, there was no one in hot pursuit. everyone in winners (staff) just stood around looking confused. perhaps this happens all the time.
later, when i was on the bus going home, i saw two guys standing outside the entrance to the mall, the very same that the shoplifters had run out of. they were wearing the same kind of jackets (all that stuff you hear about eyewitnesses being fairly unreliable is totally true, all i saw were puffy jackets and that they were guys). i wondered if this might be the same young jd's. one of them seemed pretty proud of an unopened package of blistex (do they even sell that at winners? perhaps they were on a mall crime spree), and the other one was chowing down on a full pack of twizzlers. maybe it wasn't those two guys. maybe the shoplifters were long gone, and these guys just had chapped lips, a sugar craving, and happened to be somewhat shady looking.
if i were going to shoplift, it probably wouldn't be from winners. although, seeing their low, low security response, perhaps i would re-evaluate. but why shoplift when i can take advantage of their low, low prices? and more stock arriving every day!
plus, i can't think of too much in winners that i would want to steal. ill-fitting, off-size "designer" brands? strange foamy shoes? last year's day timers?
now, if we were in home outfitters, i would be sure to wear something with extra pockets. or something roomy, so i could fake a mixmaster pregnancy.

Monday, October 23, 2006

group discourse and the denigration of art

interesting what happens when you get a bunch of artists in one room.something in their instincts kick in. i don't know if it's the inherent insecurity of those in the arts, something that makes us want to appear better or less scared than we are to others in our field. i don't know what it is. but as soon as you have a lot of artists together, this real bitterness seems to form and hang in the air.
i try not to be bitter. i make a conscious effort. i believe that specific brand of bitterness comes from a sense of entitlement, like "i deserve to be produced" or "dammit, why won't anyone publish me?" or "person X has 8 productions and numerous awards, why the fuck are they so hard done by?"
that's the crux of it to me. everyone has this sense of entitlement, like they should be recognized just by virtue of putting stuff out there. i wish everyone's work could be recognized, i really do. but it's not like someone's holding a gun to my head, or holding my cat hostage and forcing me to pursue an artistic career. i can walk away any time i want. i can get a real job and have a real savings account, and try to forget that i ever wanted to do this. sometimes i wonder if it would make me happier.
i doubt it would. i stay in this because i want to. i want to do something, and that has nothing to do with being published, or getting awards, or even getting scads of money for my work. money is great, though. i really love money, don't get me wrong. but i don't think i have any right to get angry about others not recognizing what i am choosing to do. i mean, i'm not curing cancer here. i write. i act. i do some other stuff.
i'm sure everyone else gets just as scared as i do. like "what if this really sucks?" or "what if this person really is better than me?" everyone else has just as much insecurity. but i don't want to dwell on it, let it consume me. i want to use that to work harder, to try something different. to be brave enough to believe in what i'm doing, no matter what anyone else thinks.
is that lame? probably.
but it's true, too.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

discover your jack-o-lantern face @ quiz me

the end of an era

so today, realizing that i have no money (due to mailbox STILL being broken), and recognizing a shopping trip we took to futureshop yesterday, we decided to do a little budget grocery shopping. now our cupboards are stocked with the deliciousness of kraft dinner and cup-a-soup. but when we left, i decided i wanted some rice noodle rolls. so we stopped in at the chinese superstore.
and discovered it is CLOSING! my source of cheap tofu, cheap and mysterious candy, bizarre noodle products is GONE! today they had their closing out sale, but all that was left were some humorous etchings of "Pete Pickerel" and "Pearl the Oyster". i was hoping to at least score some bargain-basement-priced pocky, but that too was gone.
as far as the mailbox goes, i don't know what to do. it was broken into September 9, and is still not fixed. Canada Post is sometimes leaving letters in the clearly destroyed mailbox, sometimes giving our mail to the building manager, sometimes returning it to sender, sometimes holding it at the post office for pickup. however, no amount of stern phone calls can make them admit they are doing anything but delivering our mail safely. and i can't even say i'm taking my business elsewhere, since there is but one postal service.
apparently our mailboxes are manufactured in exotic quebec, where they are on back order. also, there is some kind of delay with the people who install mail boxes in apartment buildings.
the upshot of all this is that i have yet to receive my last paycheque from work.
hence the need for rice rolls, kraft dinner, and cup-a-soup.
in the good news department, i have not yet begun to turn blue. i am, however eagerly awaiting the side effect of hair and eye colour changes.

Friday, October 20, 2006

i have a golden ticket...

so this morning i went to a doctor, who gave me a prescription. and when i went to fill out the prescription, i expected to have the normal pharmacist-explains-the-side-effects conversation. instead the pharmacist said:
"one of the side effects is... it might make you turn blue."
i'm not sure what my facial expression was, but the pharmacist then clarified:
"well, blue-ish."
now, since my halloween costume is blue, i thought this could save me some coin in the makeup department. but when i questioned further:
"turning a little blue is normal. but more than a little blue, call your doctor."

needless to say, the first thing that popped into my mind was a willy wonkaesque scenario in which i would turn a horrible colour to pay for my misdeeds.
i'm kind of excited to see what will happen. will i instantaneously turn completely blue? will i notice a gradual shading of blue that deepens as the days go by?

How will i know the difference between being too blue and just blue enough?

Thursday, October 19, 2006

like fish in a barrel

doing a little extracurricular writing today, working on the "plot" of my "novel" for NaNoWriMo. not ashamed to say i'm working on a collection of zombie-themed short stories. because you know what's easy to come up with? zombie-related plots. what's so non-threatening about this? i don't know. maybe my genre is zombies. maybe it's just completely non-threatening because it doesn't have to be good. do i think i could write 50000 words about zombies and humans affected by them? damn straight.
of course, we'll see how confident i am once november 1 hits.
so far i have 28 zombie story plots.
each one more awesome than the next.

at this rate...

i will accomplish something before 2007!
having completed another page of my play (one a day being better than none a day), i was watching a little telly. there was a fellow on there who had a phobia about the gym, because everyone who goes to the gym looks amazing and is incredibly intimidating. (obviously, he hasn't seen my gym. people there look scary-intimidating, not neccessarily amazing-intimidating). so he decided to take up bikram yoga instead.
now i will say, if you're concerned about being around amazing-looking people, yoga class may NOT be for you. i can drag my fat ass to the gym and tune out all the good looking people, but yoga class? everyone i've ever seen in yoga classes looks incredible. even the 80-year olds look like they could kick my ass repeatedly.
plus, i get grossed out by bikram. all the sweat flying everywhere. my sweat, the sweat of an 80-year old ass-kicking man, all the other sweat just trickling off of everyone. potentially evaporating in the heat and being breathed in by me. my lungs becoming a cabana party for the sweat of those around me.
ick ick ick.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

medical training is not required to diagnose hiccups

that is a quote from, a favourite site of mine as a pessimist and hypochondriac. i learned this piece of information when i looked up "hiccups" after having had them on and off for... oh, about 4 hours now.
and these aren't your average "oops i ate peanut butter too fast, better hold my breath" hiccups. these are LOUD. and painful. and, convinced that i was about to end up as a case study on "untold stories of the er" or something, i decided to look them up.
apparently, hiccups are really not anything serious. unless, of course, as i learned from, you have them for 60 years. which is possible, but far more likely in men.
good to know.
so far i have tried: being upside down, eating sugar, holding my breath, drinking water, being scared. the hiccups continue to come and go according to some mysterious cosmic schedule.
any suggestions, quotes from The Doctor's Book of Home Remedies would be greatly appreciated.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

i don't want to cause a stampede...

but guess who just wrote the FIRST PAGE OF A NEW PLAY? the first page of a play with a plot, characters, a beginning, middle and end?
this guy.
naturally, i was so overwhelmed with my success that i had to come on over here and brag about it.
this morning when i went to get my coffee, i was standing in line in front of two honest-to-god edmonchuk theatre celebrities. i was wearing my lovely cat toque, and, coincidentally, carrying a grocery bag full of cat food.
i'm not going to build this up. i said nothing. partially because i couldn't think of anything to say after "hey, how's it going?". the anticipation of the awkward pause to follow was too much to bear in my mind. also because i don't really know them at all.
also because it did look suspiciously like i was going to go home and eat a big honking bowl of kibble.

Monday, October 16, 2006

let it snow...

yes, it's snowing here.
after staying awake until about 3:30 getting some work done, i staggered to the alarm clock and turned it off. then went back to sleep until 11.
so i didn't make it to the gym today. oops.
must work on being able to commit to 2 things at once.

learning something new every day

so here i am, up in the middle of the night, trying to determine if time of day has something to do with when i'm at my best with creating. naturally, the temptation to use the internet (damn you, myspace!) overcame me almost immediately. and just randomly looking up subjects... for example... "writer's block" (totally at random, mind you), i stumbled upon a startling theory.
many people believe that writer's block does not in fact exist. all it is is the name we give to the inability to commit and make a decision.
naturally, this did not in any way seem familiar to me. lack of confidence? fear of not producing something perfect?
how could these possibly apply to my life?
yes, it's true. doing writing exercises has been feeling good and all, but i can't get PRODUCT out of my mind. reaching the finish line. moving on to something else.
so, it stands to reason, that i have a hard time getting started.
the fabulous Dr. Matt and i were once having a discussion about random numbers, specifically, the lottery. i argued that numbers i especially chose (my cat's birthday, my anniversary, etc.) would have LESS chance of being chosen, since these numbers had a specific significance to me, and what would the odds of that be? naturally, this influenced my strategy to always go with QuickPick. but, Dr. Matt eloquently argued, the numbers that the computer generated for me would immediately take on a special significance to me, as they were my lottery numbers. (am i getting this right?). hence, either sequence has an equal chance of being drawn.
this is how i feel about ideas... i'm trying to let something i don't care about sneak up on me, so i can get something out of the way and accomplish it. but, as soon as i have an idea, it immediately has a special significance to me. i care. perhaps because it could be my NEXT GREAT IDEA. perhaps it's because i feel like a slacker next to YOUNGER, MORE ACCOMPLISHED ARTISTS. perhaps i'm afraid of failure. or success. or all of the above.
bleah. sorry about the supah-emo whiny brain dump. but isn't that what the internet is for?

Friday, October 13, 2006

can i get a witness...

to how much microsoft picture it! sucks?
just doing a little reorganizing of stuff on the computer, decided to finally upload my pictures from vegas... such as they are. here are a couple of them:

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as you can see, vegas is a very dangerous place.

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but one full of exciting opportunities!

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and terrible frustrations...

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and just a lot of stuff that doesn't really go together.

Monday, October 09, 2006

it's better than bad, it's good!

well, the tv channel i adore is back... that's right, LOG is back on tv for a very special thanksgiving edition.
for those of you not familiar with LOG, it's basically a fireplace on your tv. usually scored with the elevator-grooving sounds of symphonic christmas music, it plays here during the holiday season, relaxing the viewer with its crackling warmth.
the thanksgiving edition of LOG is a little sadder.
basically it's a cheery fireplace, with a blazing fire going. however, on the hearth is placed a juicy turkey with all the trimmings. just sitting there in front of the fire. sitting there, alone. no hands reaching in to carve the bird, or, god forbid, offer you a plate. which i assume you are in desperate need of, if you're watching a turkey sit in front of a fireplace on thanksgiving day.
since there are no thanksgiving songs to speak of, it's just a tuneless meld of orchestral music, mocking you with a turkey you can never taste.

i, on the other hand, never want to eat turkey again, having enjoyed not one, but two full-on turkey dinners yesterday.
and there are still plentiful leftovers in the fridge.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

well, it's here.

yes, all that time i spent mentioning "i'm going to take a couple of months off to write" has finally come back to bite me in the ass. it's here. my time. to write. i said i was going to take a couple of days to relish the luxuries that come with unemployment, and it's been a week. i find myself googling things like "perfectionism" and "fear of writing". faithfully going to some "research" websites i have bookmarked. reading them. and... nothing.
it's not like i don't have ideas. i have lots of ideas. lots of projects planned. some with deadlines. deadlines in the far-flung future, but real deadlines, nonetheless.
i was thinking to myself last night, as i was trying to sleep, "why can't i just commit to this? do i really want to commit to this (and by this i mean an artistic career)? the answer is yes. so i just have to commit myself to doing this or go find something else to do.
i watched "the weatherman" last night, and there was this monologue about how you imagine what you're going to be like when you grow up, all these accomplishments, all these qualities you think you're going to have. and gradually, these things, these possibilities get narrowed down. all these potential lives you have imagined for yourself get narrowed down to what you are.
i spend far too much time thinking about past possibliities that won't be realized. and far too much time thinking about the future without doing anything about it now. in short, i would be a bad buddhist.
yesterday i found myself looking for another stupid secretarial job, more out of boredom than anything else. and i had to make a conscious decision to stop myself. to try this. to try now, instead of buying time for myself while decomposing behind some random desk.
it should start with a word. this will all start with a few words. and it won't matter if i suck, because no one will ever have to read it.
i will keep telling myself that. and i will stay away, far away from my resume.

Monday, October 02, 2006

too soon...

today i saw a christmas tree in the window of army & navy. as if that wasn't bad enough, i saw both egg nog and soy "noel nog" on the grocery store.
i haven't even figured out my halloween costume yet! so far it's down to three choices... little dead riding hood, a my little pony, or an "i don't care bear". i'm leaning towards the latter two, as they will essentially have the same base. meaning one of those godawful velour track suits in a pastel colour. i think i'm innately drawn to the mlp costume, just because of its inherent glamour. i want big shiny drag queen eyelashes and stick on rhinestones! i may, however, opt for the funnier one.