Tuesday, May 20, 2008

finally, news!

went to see the surgeon today, and it looks like ye olde back will soon be operated on. which is great news! i was so worried that he would say "nope, sorry, nothing i can do", and then i'd be stuck with some damn crap hell leg pain. i don't have any dates yet, but the nurse assured me that since i'm young and my operation is a short one, it should be quite easy to fit me in. so at least i'm young somewhere! personally, i hope that it's scheduled before the end of june, for the obvious reasons of not being in pain any longer than i have to, and because it looks like i'll be doing a fringe show this year. so i need to heal up in time for rehearsals.
a fringe show? me, who is chronically fringe-unemployed, and even contemplating leaving the biz a short time ago?
strange how things work out, no?
i suppose i'm trying to find a way of satisfying myself with my work. it's hard not to feel like the kid picked last, or to feel like i'm being ignored by the community. because generally i'm being ignored, i think. not because my work sucks, but because the nature of the beast is to be self-centered. which goes for me, too. so the only way to be happy is to make myself happy and define success for myself. this just occurred to me as i was hearing all these details about the readings i'm a part of, how one of my actors dropped out, how i don't know who's directing, how there are apparently contracts that no one has contacted me about.... and so on. i guess in a way i don't really care any more. it'll be nice, and probably inspiring to hear it read in rehearsal, but i don't expect much from the read itself. the read is really being done out of obligation, i think, and i'll take it for the resume credit, but i'm not putting my life on the line for it.
good god, american idol is terrible this year. that creepy younger david is going to make the worst albums. i mean, album.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

tomorrow is today

so. things are looking slightly better today. things really haven't changed, but i'm feeling slightly less melty-downy about everything.
it's raining here. i did have to leave work early due to back issues (specifically, a disc that felt like it was about to explode out of my spine), so i did the rest of my work from the comfort of a firm flat surface. it looks like it may be an evening of lying flat and not moving too much. but another shot at acupuncture tomorrow, hopefully it makes things better for the weekend.
only a week and a half till i see the surgeon.
i'm itching to start some new knitting. i'm thinking a pair of socks, one of the many i have stored on ravelry. although i do have the wool for SNB's Fairly Easy Fair Isle. nothing like a nice wooly cardigan to start the summer off right!
i also want to buy a keyboard. the piano kind, not the typing kind. i don't know how fancy to go. my ideal is to have something full-sized with weighted keys, but i have a feeling that would be out of my price range. whatever it is, it will be an early birthday present/treat for being a good girl and making lots of cash this summer. along with all the other things i will treat myself to.
maybe i should start working on LOTD on my morning commute? force myself to write on the bus?

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

> or = fail?

today has been a real pisser of a day. they say it's the little things that add up, but sometimes the big things add up, too.
i have a mystery eye problem. just a really sore, red eye. at first i thought i had conjunctivitis, (btw, unless you really, really need to know, you should never search for "eye problems" or any related search online. i can't even fathom what would have happened had i used Google Images.) but it's really on one side of one eye. it seems to be slowly getting better, but if it's not really improved by tomorrow, i shall be heading to the medicentre.
en tout cas.
so i have kind of a squidgy looking eye, and i have to wear my glasses (well, i elected to wear them, since i thought it would be kinder to my poor eyeball), which i kind of hate doing. and i dragged my ass to work this morning, where i discovered that since i had to leave early and needed to get my work done quickly, that my keyboard had lost its mind. like when you type, it randomly skips back to the beginning of lines, inserts characters, toggles in and out of caps lock and numeric lock. it's like the keys have been... switched around, somehow. except not consistently. needless to say, i didn't get a lot done.
so i headed to acupuncture, which ... didn't really work today. which sucks. and i have to say i'm tired of talking about my back and how it's going, and do i think i'll need surgery, and how much it must suck, and how other people are sad that it isn't getting better, etc, etc, etc.
came home, prepared to do some work, and just realized that i feel like i'm pretty disappointing to a lot of people. not because of my eye, not because of my keyboard, or acupuncture. but i just feel like a big disappointment. to myself, especially. and i feel like i'm incapable of expressing myself (hilarious, if you think about how much bitching i do here. and that's just on the internet!).
i feel like i have potential, like all i am is potential, sometimes. but eventually, you really need to get to the actual. or actualizing.
something like that. is it that i'm not accomplishing enough? is it that i need to be happy with said accomplishments? do i really just need to chill?
but it's all been building up and i'm feeling frustrated and blocked and all those other things that i'm sure will be somewhat more manageable once tomorrow gets here.
back to watching the primary results. ew, hillary.