Friday, June 29, 2012

I'm every woman...

So,what's been happening? I had a birthday. My boss quit--on my birthday, since I had the day off. My other boss is on vacation. For the last week I've been doing the jobs of 4 people, and having to have some pretty crappy conversations with the staff about the situation, about how everything's up in the air, what's going to happen next. I haven't been sleeping, I have headaches and stress tummy all the time. Not cool. I'm so, so glad this week is over. I have no idea what's going to happen next week.

The other supervisor may very well quit. And then, my friends, I will have some decisions to make. I had already been considering leaving at the end of December. But seeing how the organization has handled the situation, and feeling pretty certain we're going to lose more staff,I'm not sure how much longer I'll last. One of my friends at work said "The work you do outside of here is FAR more important than the work you do here. Don't change yourself for this place."

Speaking of which, I was supposed to start Draft Six this week, but all I want to do when I get home is sleep, eat, and drink, not necessarily in that order. To top it off, I actually had several pages of notes that I'd typed up about revisions I want to make, and I clearly remember putting them in a safe place. The exact place, however, is somewhat hazy at best. Another reason to house clean.

I have a three day weekend to think about work. My second job, mercifully, didn't have any edits for me this week, which is great. But also a reminder that the gig isn't steady work... I'd still need to temp a couple of weeks a month. But that sounds pretty good right now--having time to get up and go to the gym when it's not crowded, do some writing during the day, be able to socialize with friends, maybe get to go out on more auditions and work on projects. Sounds pretty good, if you ask me.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012


Oh, you guys. Work is just miserable. Like, the most toxic, depressing environment miserable. I found out today my colleagues (we have a tight little alliance in my department that works really well) are fairly confident that they will be fired/made so miserable they will just quit by the end of the summer. And once the house is cleaned, they think I'll be asked to be "the saviour" and be in charge of all these things I don't know/care about and work and stress until I die. The crazy thing is: even though that sounds completely insane, I can absolutely see that happening. Well, maybe not literally working till I die, but something approximating a living death of SELLING ALL THE TICKETS.

I don't know what to do. The thought of getting another job is a bit overwhelming at the moment. I think I could tide myself over on my part time gig for a month or two, so I'm not terribly worried. I'm more worried about everyone else quitting/getting fired and then being asked to run things and having to quit. It's a complicated situation. It's like, junior high complicated, people. And that shit is COMPLICATED.

I am feeling old. I'm not THAT old, realistically, it's just that I can't shake this feeling that I have missed my shot, that all opportunities have passed me by and I HAVE FAILED. This is all unrealistic, I know. Probably related to the fact that my birthday is coming up on Moday. I got a rejection email today, and I am trying to remember that it was very nice of them to send me a note and not just never get back to me like many companies would. Always look on the bright side, and all that.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012


Hello, chums! I cannot wait for my day off... Saturday. And for once I have the entire weekend off! That seems to happen so rarely, I feel like I should do something decadent in celebration. I have found a way to do some stealth editing for my bonus job during the downtime of my primary job, which leaves me much more free time in the evenings. Perhaps that's not entirely kosher, but I'm struggling with my job at the moment. It's just such a negative environment, and I'm tired of all the bitching and backbiting and drama. Even theatre doesn't have that much consistent drama.

I am going to try and get back into knitting--I have a few friends who are expecting little ones, and I do love to knit some tiny socks and hats. As well, that Christmas present I never finished last year awaits. I got a little too ambitious with what I thought I could accomplish in a limited amount of time... sound familiar?

I didn't hear back from that big audition for a callback, so I'm trying to put it out of my mind. I haven't heard from anyone else that they got a callback, so I don't know if they've done them or not, but there's really only so long it's healthy to keep hope alive. If I stop putting anxiety towards it and I do hear back from it, great. If not, then I can move on to bigger and better things... whatever those are. I've also already decided my gym days for next week, working under that popular theory that if you schedule time in your calendar for healthy living, you will just do it. I have tested that theory before, to varying degrees of success. Happy Wednesday!

Saturday, June 09, 2012

Surviving Saturday

Well, that last post was certainly a downer. I am feeling a bit less stressed out and anxious today, yet still frustrated. I think some of this comes from working every single day of the week, and being broke. Some of it is coming from a weird doubting place, where I think I just realized for literally the first time in my life "Maybe I won't be successful at this art thing." I know, that sounds weird, because the arts are such an unstable, uncertain endeavor. But I always knew "I am going to be successful." That doesn't neccessarily mean being wealthy, or famous, but other markers of success: getting produced. Getting to perform. Getting recognized for my work. I'm having a hard time believing that will happen lately. Is this what everyone I knew who quit to do something else felt like? Is this a sign I should quit and do something else? I think I may need to take a break from the theatrical world at large and focus on my own projects, and on the people who are supportive of me. Screw the haters and all that. Or perhaps I need to engage in some other creative pursuits: I've been having a hankering for some baking and sewing time lately. Maybe I just need to recharge. Or quit worrying so much about everyone else and how well they're doing. Or some combination of both. What do you do when you need to recharge?

Wednesday, June 06, 2012

Complaining Wednesday

I was going to call this "Bitching Wednesday", but I was afraid you'd assume that my Wednesday was... BITCHEN'! Which it most certainly is not. Here is my list of petty complaints: * my job is becoming increasingly unpleasant to work at. There are many power struggles within my organization, some hours cutbacks, and general increasing tension. I am rapidly reaching the point where the crap I am forced to put up with is exceeding the amount I'm being paid. * theatrical award nominations for my community came out this week, and they are disheartening. It's clear that the folks on the jury and I (also on the jury) have very divergent tastes. And some of the stuff that is nominated was just... not very good. It makes me sad that this is what people in the community think is the best we can do. It makes me sad that what's rewarded is so different than what I do. * I'm not writing anything new. I need to be writing something new to submit to some residency opportunities. But I'm not. * I feel like I'm basically getting up in the morning, going to one job, going home, doing chores, working my other job and going to bed every day. * We are still miserably broke. * A good friend of mine who's a very talented writer is having great success--winning competitions, getting productions, etc. I am proud of him, and a bit jealous. * I am having a case of the wallows... where I think the word that will best describe my career is "ALMOST" Ugh. Here's to this day being over as soon as possible.

Monday, June 04, 2012

The Big One Down!

So I thought I should post an update as to how my big day went on Friday... the workshop was great. It was a bit difficult to get back in the mindset of this play, especially because I can't help thinking of it as "the play that everyone likes but no one wants". But we had some great actors and a lively discussion, and I have some good ideas for what will happen next. My next workshop is scheduled for July 20, so that's about a month to get a new draft done. Scary! The audtion... well, I don't know how that went exactly. The chat portion was very positive--I was honest about why I wanted to be in the program, and they seemed impressed that I'd put so much thought in it. The acting/singing portion could have gone better. I dried in the middle of my Shakespeare (a very obvious dry... one of those pauses that is clearly not an acting pause, but the pause of an actor suddenly forgetting their lines), but I soldiered on. It happens to everyone once in a while, but it sucks to have it happen in an audition situation. The contemporary monlogue went quite well (according to me), but I got no re-direct on either. Does that mean something? I don't know. And the song... was not the greatest. It wasn't the worst, but I did get some comments from the music director about things I had written in my music, and how maybe those weren't the best choices, and how maybe we'd have the opportunity to discuss those further. I was so relieved to be done with the stress when it was done, I totally busted out in tears in front of a couple of friends. Which is SUPER EMBARRASSING. Just because a) I don't usually cry in front of others and b) I'm not a person who cries about auditions generally, and I don't want to seem... I don't know... frivolous? I was super-depressed about the whole thing for the rest of the day. Anyway, they are auditioning in 2 other cities, for several days in each, so I'm assuming a lot of non-locals will be chosen. I'm giving myself this week to hope to hear for a callback, and then I'm giving up. This afternoon I'm acting in a new works festival--rehearsal this afternoon, performance tonight, which I'm looking forward to. As well as the tiny paycheque! I'm so glad that all the stress is over with... for now, anyway.