Wednesday, January 21, 2009

getting geared up...

for rehearsal tomorrow. i'm slightly weirded out by the prospect of going to the first day and not knowing anyone-- i mean, i know the AD and one of the actors, but that's not why i got hired. i'm not "attached" to the project in any way other than that i auditioned for it and got the job.
the SM sent me an email telling me to be there at 9, then sent out the rehearsal schedule saying we were going from 9:30 to 4. so what do i do? show up at 9 and wait around if she meant 9:30? that's my plan. maybe they want me to sign contracts or something before the day begins. or maybe i'll just end up waiting around for half an hour, making polite French conversation with the SM.
it's also scary to think about doing the first read in front of designers, etc. in a second language. somehow that puts more pressure on the whole thing. pressure to pronounce everything correctly, for one.
apart from that, today was a pretty lazy day. watched the inauguration, got my hair done, did some groceries, took a nap. worried about my french pronunciation briefly.
at least worrying about my pronunciation will take away from worrying about singing!

Friday, January 16, 2009

before i head out to rehearsal...

Just a quick update. I heard back from the AD yesterday, and we are in fact starting rehearsals next week! And I know someone in the cast! Just hearing that was a huge relief, now I have someone to ask how to pronounce things without fear of mockery!

Today I'm rehearsing for some play readings that go up tomorrow night. I might actually start feeling like acting is my job or something...

On the wedding front, we are oh so close to booking a photographer. And a block of hotel rooms for people (a cheap, simple hotel with decent continental breakfast included). And I tried on dresses yesterday and am now thoroughly confused. All of the major things that are left are: cake, justice of the peace, and... well, things like planning the actual ceremony, the menu, etc. All the details. But once I've assembled all the puzzle pieces, I can make them work together to create something. That's the general plan, anyway.

AND today, of course, is weigh-in day. And I'm down 1.5 pounds! Go me! Now I have to figure out how to break the dreaded plateau of this particular weight.

Off to rehearsal.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

snow day

it's not really a snow day. but it is snowing. today i elected to hang around inside, finish a sewing project, and do some actual wedding work.

i almost forgot how much i like making stuff-- it was really satisfying to finish sewing my little purse. so much so, that i wanted to start something else right away! it just sucks that i have to wait till spring to use my purse. but it's not exactly winter weight fabric.

still haven't heard anything about contracts... should I be nervous? should i be making excuses for them? should i be realizing that not everyone sees my employment as the earth-shatteringly-important matter that i do?

i made an appointment to try on some dresses on thursday, right after my semi-annual arthritis checkup. hmmm maybe i should tell them that at the salon so i can seem like even MORE of an old lady.

i still have like 25 weekly points left on WW, my weigh-in being friday. i suppose i could have eaten more this week, but it seems like it'd be hard to use up more points than i already get, and still be healthy. maybe it's the vegetarian thing? lower point values or something? of course, maybe all those people who get more points are just wayyyy more active than me and are actually burning calories.

speaking of burning calories, i tried my yoga dvd today. it was pretty dumbed down-- no specific poses mentioned or anything, so i think it might be a little too introductory. plus, it wasn't much of a workout for a "yoga for weight loss" routine. but the good news is-- no ruptured discs as of yet! and my spine didn't punch through my scar when i bent over!

who said i have an overactive imagination?

Sunday, January 11, 2009

state of the sunday

nothing much new to report... spent the afternoon getting my sew on, making a bag that a friend sent me the pattern for. i think it's going to be super cute, despite my having put the internal pockets on sideways. oops! but my bag will have a tall pocket that's perfect for storing pens and pencils in.
J is heading back to rehearsals tomorrow, meaning that i'll have the whole house to myself during the day. i think i'm going to try my yoga dvd. my friend Sarah has inspired me to be more vigilant about weight watchers, and i've been tracking points since last week. today... not such a stellar day, but not a disaster. sadly, even veggie dogs add up after a while!
realizing i'm going to be on tour for a couple of months also makes me realize that i need to get my shit together re: wedding stuff. so i vow to go and try on some damn dresses already! then i'm going to check out the seamstress who has a bridal shop near my singing teacher's house. hopefully we can agree on price, and i can get something custom done to my specifications. i was thinking about trying etsy, but i'm nervous about buying something i can't see... especially when it comes to a wedding dress. not that i want a big bedazzled cupcake dress, but still. or maybe i'll even find something in my price range around here that i can just order.
once i hear for sure about the wedding website domain, i'll be able to order save-the-dates. and make a wedding website. and decide on what kind of flowers to make to bring some craft stuff on the road with me.
did i say i didn't have much to do with the wedding for a while?

Thursday, January 08, 2009

booked it!

That's right, you read it correctly, I BOOKED IT! And what, you may be asking, is it? Why, a school tour en francais, January 26 to April 24. Making the big bucks, with per diem and everything. And, ironically, I get to open the show SINGING. Apparently the universe has a sense of humor about forcing me to confront my pathos.
The audition was a little surreal-- the theatre is under construction, and the AD and I were yelling at each other over the construction noise, me trying to make polite conversation in my somewhat rudimentary french, then switching to my franglais about a minute in. Since the theatre wasn't exactly conducive to creating theatrical magic due to decibel levels, we ended up doing the audition in a dressing room, which was... intimate, to say the least. Fortunately the weirdness of the situation led to a decent audition, and when songtime arrived, I just belted it out and didn't embarrass myself too much. At which point the AD offered me the job. So I suppose I must have done the opposite of embarrassing myself, if you think about it.
I haven't given my final yes yet, because J is also doing a school tour this year, and we have to figure out who will observe our fat cat Smudge if we end up being out of town at the same time.
I am scared and happy at the same time. Happy because it's a new experience for me to actually get an audition AND be offered a job. Scared because I have to do the dreaded talkback en francais. Apparently french immersion schools love it when an anglophone from a french immersion program ends up in a show, because it shows the students that french immersion isn't pointless. Or something. And the AD assured me that I have great french, and that all their tours have had a mixed cast. Still, it's a little intimidating to think about being the only one there who's an anglophone.
What if I'm the only person who brings a dictionary to rehearsal?

Wednesday, January 07, 2009


I am sitting here, well, lying here, really, wondering what the hell I was thinking accepting this audition-- I mean, seriously. Conversing in French? Acting in English? Singing in any form? It's not helping that I seem to have come down with a bit of the flu. Not the real flu, just that sicky two day thing that we call the flu. Should I have gotten a flu shot this year? Probably. But too late to complain about it now.
I really like to think of things in the number of hours until they are done. For example, 15 hours from now, the audition will be over, whether it went badly or fantastically. Somehow that makes me feel slightly better. 15 hours and counting. Then I can come home and be sick all I want. 15 hours.
Procrastinating writing once more-- I seem to have overstepped my depth in making changes without real thought. But the danger comes from wanting to "think about it" longer. The only way to start is to start, right?
Going to take a shower, print out an updated resume to go with my shiny new photos, take some Gravol, and go to bed.
Please wish me french poop and/or broken legs tomorrow!

Monday, January 05, 2009

song anxiety

who would have thought I was capable of writing two posts in one day?

I did manage to get some work done on the play, ploughed through the first couple of scenes. Unfortunately, changing something major in the play means... well, making major changes throughout. Which I hadn't given a lot of practical thought to. I mean, I'd decided on the changes, but actually going over what I've written, changing it, thinking about how the changes affect the whole structure, all the little references I have to change-- well, rewriting is a skill I have yet to master. On the up side, it's almost like writing a whole new play. It's strange to get excited about the first act again, I was so bored with it, I was veering towards extreme hatred for it. Like, wanting to punch it in the face, as well as anyone who brought up the play.

I want to write something new. Something quick and dirty. I'm tired of lingering over my precious ideas for so long, like I'm standing vigil in some idea hospital or something, waiting to see if the play will survive. I want to write something new. I'm thinking about a solo show. I have a feeling that's where I may live, in the land of the solo show. In that "fuck everyone else" way. Not the way that makes you bitter, the one that makes you a strong person.

and as far as the preparation for ye olde audition goes, well, that's the title of the post. song anxiety. more specifically, singing anxiety. Always had it. Loved to sing, always hated singing. And it seems like the more training I had, the more disastrous my singing became for me. Not that I had bad training, just that the act of singing somehow seemed to grow my neurosis about it. I can't explain it. But the monologue is easy, the singing is hard. But why? And why do I keep coming back to it? A friend of mine told me that her daughter's piano teacher refused to take adult students, that adults returning to music was always because they were trying to resolve some sort of deep-seated childhood issue. I don't know if I agree with that. I do love music. But at the same time, I can't deny that I have some sort of issue with it. And it's not that I'm tone deaf, or I have a terrible voice, or any other reason that would make perfect sense about freaking out over singing. I feel like I have a real voice, a good voice, which is somehow buried under a bunch of crap, and I don't know how to let it out. And I hate touchy-feely "set your inner self free" statements like nobody's business. But that's what it seems to be.

Anyway, I have a couple more days to steel my confidence. Although it feels like someone has stolen my confidence.

now I'm all set

I finally got a new day timer today, now I feel slightly more in control of my world. Rather than just scribbling things down on random pieces of paper, I can actually schedule and plan things!
I must confess, this is just my warmup for today's writing. Because, obviously, this counts as writing. Or, at the very least, typing. Going to try and write something every day, because the most painful part is sitting down to actually write something. Or is the most painful part the writing? The feeling of "oh god, why am I doing this, why does anyone do this, can't I just go in the next room and watch Dr. Phil or Celebrity Rehab or something?". The good news is that goes away after the first half hour or so. The bad news is that it always returns the next time I sit down to write. It's a bit like going to the gym, something I haven't done in quite a while, either.
I want to try my new yoga dvd, but I'm paranoid about my back. I mean, if I can walk around and shovel snow and carry groceries and stuff, I'm not in much danger of blowing another disc. Besides, thanks to surgical intervention, there's really not much disc left to blow, to my understanding. But I'm still paranoid about destroying my back before this audition. As if I didn't have real considersations to worry about, I have to find imaginary possibilities to worry about, too! But perhaps I will reward myself for an audition well done by doing a little yoga-for-weight-loss action.
In other news, I had a tooth filled and an old filling filed down this morning, and despite my inexplicable fear of dentistry, not a single tear was shed. Which is quite an accomplishment, getting my first filling a couple of years ago was traumatic for both me and my dentist. Not because I'm the type who punches and kicks at dentists randomly, but because I get so anxious I just start crying. I think going for super-regular cleanings have helped quite a bit in this regard. Hopefully they'll help me not have to get more fillings!
Well, now that I've shared the boring random parts of my life with an audience, I'm off to write the good stuff in private.

Saturday, January 03, 2009

in the new year

Greetings all from the year 2009! Things are pretty much the same so far as they were in 2008, except it's pretty effing cold here, -35C last night. I'm trying to prepare for an audition on Thursday, an audition in which I not only have to converse with the AD in FRENCH, but do a cold read in FRENCH, and also sing. Fortunately, my monologue gets to be in English, which can only be considered a good thing. Hopefully our pitiful franglais emails back and forth have adequately prepared the AD for my out-of-practice conversational skills.
Also, I booked an acting gig this month, just a couple days' work for a reading, but it's nice that someone else recognizes my mad acting skillz.
Spent some time visiting the family this giftmas, which was useful in its giving me staggering insights into how my parents shaped my current personal neuroses. Fortunately, the end product of these insights was the realization that not only am I not solely responsible for my relationship with my parents, but also that how my parents choose to treat me has nothing to do with whether or not I am a good/adequate person. Match that with a side of realizing how living with intensely critical people could indeed cause me to constantly doubt myself, and I feel like I've done several year's worth of therapy over the holiday season!

Coming up this year for me:
1) Making myself heard. This vague-sounding resolution has a lot of personal resonance for me, whether it means actually pursuing singing further, writing my solo show, getting my work out there, and generally standing up more for my thoughts and beliefs.
2) Losing another 25 pounds. Which, I might add, I am NOT doing solely for the wedding.
3) Being more positive. Growing up with people who are instantly critical of the world at large has really normalized the rejection of new and exciting things for me. Which, in my line of work, is not optimal. This year, I will try to see the positive before looking for the negative.
4) Writing more. Writing every day, if need be. Doing nothing but bitch isn't really career-advancing.

Annnnd I think that's all the news that is the news so far this year. I'm just going to go work on my french, my monologue, my song, and then curl up with some tea to watch bad television.