Wednesday, December 08, 2004

where else?

i've just learned that in addition to their newly acquired sea lion exhibit, that west edmonton mall plans to add an indoor zoo to their roster of the flabby, the oversized, the incredibly poor taste attractions.

have they learned anything? nothing from Howard and his poor deceased dolphin friends? i mean, sure, we can probably convince ourselves that at some level, perhaps dolphins enjoy performing for our whims, enjoy having pennies pitched into their tank, enjoy watching the submarines and drowned drunkards float by in the lagoon. but sea lions? a zoo? what's next? monkey personal shoppers? the smell alone will be enough to drive shoppers to phase 8 or whatever phase they're at now.

so before they install the grand funk of indoor animal cruelty, perhaps they could consider the countless other attractions which could be added to the mall which wouldn't involve imprisoning our jungle friends...

1) wax museum
2) a decent mini-putt course, with working windmills. and chomping monkey heads!
3) turn the entire ghost-town section into a TRON-inspired laser-tag
4) a... ahem... gentlemen's club
5) human daredevils
6) lego town. or duplo town. whatever.
7) put some money into your amusement park, already!
8) clean up the numerous and skanky food courts.
9) rehab centre for all the burnouts who spend the day munching at the mall. see (8).
10)hunting ground for the most dangerous game... man.
11) one word: rollerball.
12) skate park
13) mechanical bull riding, 24-7.
14) freak show
15) world's largest contained indoor tire fire
16) robot wars

and the list goes on. the point is, that if you want to draw people to your mall, you should probably consider something NEW, and something that won't draw protest. or, if you must have animals, why not have the world's largest indoor ant farm? perhaps we could purchase some genetically modified ants who could crawl through habitrail tunnels, serving their queen for our amusement.

ants whose genetically modified exoskeletons would be impermeable to pennies tossed by yahoos whose definition of wit is, well.. tossing pennies at things.


Monday, December 06, 2004

when you're on a holiday...

well, it's official: the new "Holiday Spiced Pepsi" makes an excellent keyboard cleaner! i discovered this after Smudge knocked over J's glass of said beverage all over the computer. much panic ensued, but my keyboard has never been cleaner, or shinier. seriously, i think this is the stuff that the Dudes At Dell use in the factory.

no ill effects so far, in any case: none of the more popular Wheel Of Fortune letters are sticking, but the true test will be when we get into the more exotic letters that are hardly ever used.

the quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog's back.

nope, everything's coming up holiday spiced pepsi!


i've been looking for a blog i was reading with no success. it was hilarious. the last entry was a tragically true tale of a friend's b/f accidentally killing a pet hedgehog while in a drug-induced haze, and then the hedgehog's owner having to cremate the poor sucker on a hibachi or something. possibly while also in a drug-induced haze. seriously. but then i got distracted when she linked to the peterpan guy's page and i accidentally closed the window. so since then, i 've been wandering through pages of people's poetry, people's elegies to relationships, political manifestoes, cool skins, annoying trance music, and statements of purpose.

i have no statement of purpose.

unless, of course, you want to contact Pepsi and tell them how wicked their product is at cleaning keyboards. they could probably use the confidence boost, judging by the lack of self-esteem demonstrated on

i went to the website to do just that, and was treated to a conversation with Lisa, the Pepsi World help center virtual representative. basically, you just type in your questions, and she answers them. obviously, Pepsi isn't just for cleaning your keyboards anymore: it's on the cutting edge of AI technologies. here's an excerpt of our interview:

u/v: how is it that your product is so awesome at cleaning my keyboard?

lisa: it is pretty neat, all right.

u/v: no, seriously, who came up with the idea?

lisa: oh yes... way!

u/v: what the hell are you talking about?

lisa: Oh, I'm sorry if my response did not meet your needs. Please narrow the subject down by rephrasing your question so that I can be of better help this time.

u/v: no problem, lisa... so what are you doing later?

lisa: I'm sorry, my schedule is booked 24/7. Besides, I'm a computer program, silly.

u/v: pretty darn clever, you little minx. give me free pepsi!

lisa: oh. ok.

u/v: not too bright, eh?

lisa: My name is Lisa and I'm a computer program designed to simulate a human customer service representative. People ask me tons of questions and I do my best to answer them. Oh, and the only place you will ever see me is on this site because I just love this place!

u/v: oh. ok.

and so you see, that's pretty much what our interview was like. i guess i'm not much of an investigative journalist. maybe next post i should do a hard-hitting story on dish the dirt and all that.


Sunday, December 05, 2004

we salute you, ABC

"mommy, our new house smells like back bacon!"

"i can't get into my room, it's full of labatt 50 bottles. and they're STUBBIES!"

these might have been the wails of the Imbriani family, were it not for the quick thinking of the cast and crew of ABC's Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Yes, it seems that they had ordered some sort of prefab house from a CANADIAN company, and the CANADIAN contractor was not aware that the CANADIAN (read:inferior) building codes were not the same as the american building codes. the preproduction scene where the crew and producers themselves reviewed said building codes with the contractor must have been cut for time. in the words of Sears-brand hottie Ty Pennington "the Canadian has said Au Revoir"-- after the contractor delivered his stuff as promised and left. fortunately this was an opportunity for great drama, as Ty and the gang called in a no-nonsense crew of chest-thumping American contractors, who made no bones about mentioning every few minutes how terrible the CANADIAN work was. in fact, it seems like anytime ANYTHING went wrong it was the CANADIAN'S FAULT. don't worry, it all turned out in the end for the family, and the house looked great, and the designers all cried, as usual, and everyone seems to feel pretty satisfied with themselves. however, i couldn't help but notice that a couple of weeks ago, when there was an entire WORK CREW that just didn't SHOW UP for work, no matter that the poor family of conjoined twins and quadruple amputees wouldn't have their walk-in sauna, no one seemed to mention that they were americans, or greeks, or mexicans, or italians, or whatever. actually, no one even referred to them as "those jerks who didn't show up".

so, congratulations, ABC, for taking your feel-good hit and using it to take oh-so-clever jibes at your neighbors to the north. especially when they were trying to help out. i bet old walt would be proud.

incidentally, if you want to contact abc and talk about canada, or ty's abs, or anything else that strikes your fancy, you can do so at: .


Saturday, November 27, 2004

now the seats are all empty...

well, not quite yet. many of the seats are full. we have our best house of the night, on this, our last night, so i'm actually feeling a little bit nervous about going on. even though i have a ridiculously tiny part. however.

working again for 9 days straight before my next break. no matter how hard i try, i never get over how petty, spiteful, childish, and downright rude people can be, especially to complete strangers. and i mean, i think i have some pretty excellent empathy skills happening here. but seriously, some of these folks just wear me down. particularly the people who continue to argue with you even AFTER you've apoligized, fixed the problem, explained how you've fixed the problem, and advised them of what kind of results they can expect to see. like they call in to scream "listen to me!!!" and they're screaming so loud they can't hear you say "i hear you!" but some people are just never happy, i guess.

i am very hungry. how am i to use that in my performance tonight?


Thursday, November 25, 2004

a day of rest

well, back at the show. today we have 5. 3 have paid, 2 are comps. today was to have been a day off, but we ended up going to the hospital super early in the morning, because J hurt his wrist during the show last night, and we were worried that it might be broken. it wasn't, and when we went home to watch the dog show and chill out on the couch, i thought a lovely treat might be to have some candy, specifically some swedish berries. so J is making some silly noises at Smudge, when suddenly there is a crunching sound. now we all know that swedish berries don't make that sound. what makes that sound? a tooth falling apart. yes, the filling is still there, but the tooth that surrounded it has just crumbled away. fortunately for him it's not visible when he smiles or talks, but it's pretty upsetting and likely to be upsetting, just the same.
so, today, i didn't get much accomplished. i don't think my next day off is for another 8 days. sigh. but that's life, i suppose.

hey, creepy guy lurking around outside the theatre...



Wednesday, November 24, 2004

love's labours...

i'm sitting at the moment backstage at the show, waiting for the first two plays to come to their blissful conclusion. we are in a tiny theatre in a questionable neighborhood that no one, particularly audiences, seems to be able to find. we have a house of three people. the only reason we're doing the show tonight is that two of said audience members got lost on their way here last night and showed up about halfway through the night. they were prepaids. we need their $12 a head.

it has been said that on nights like this, you do this for the art. i have about 14 1/2 lines and exist solely to move furniture about. still, i suppose this is as good a time as any to find the art in this, too. after all, there must be art in everything, somewhere.

an hour or more before we begin the show i'm in.

a whole hour.



if i could turn back time...

it's one of those overcast, likely to snow days here, and i'm in a retrospective mood. but instead of reviewing my greatest hits, i seem to be looking at the b-reel. while looking for an old friend from university online (impossible, all my friends have hopelessly common wasp-ish names), i was searching back through their postgraduate alma maters, and tracking the progress of their careers since we last met. oh, what a mistake!

i don't know if it's because this is my first day off in 8 days, or if it's some kind of chemical in the water, or what, but the green eye of envy has settled itself on me. as i dip my toe in the turtle pool of regret and lost dreams. whatever.


the most imaginative thing that i've done recently is speculate with J about whether or not the "private name" that's been calling at 8am this week is the student loan people wanting to know when i'm planning on paying them. speaking of which, haven't they ever heard of voice mail? if it is them, that is. well, it probably is. but for the several thousand dollars of interest i'm paying them, i think they could probably take the 5 seconds to leave a voice mail so i can call them back. dinks.

i digress. i'm sure my friends aren't having any easier a time of it than i am. from what i recall, unless they've all undergone massive personality restructuring through alien abduction, they were just as insecure about this stuff as i am.

maybe it's because i'm living in a province where the recent election was a big frigging JOKE and my vote, while for a winning socialist candidate, felt somewhat pointless nonetheless.

or maybe i'm just grumpy today.

i'm going to go drink some ginger ale.

you go here. it'll cheer you up.


ps- smudge (the kitten) is here. he is sort of a jerk! but he is very cute all the same.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

the buckeye state?

can't someone just win this thing? i've been watching like, 7 straight hours of election coverage, and i think the honeymoon's over. and of course, they're still projecting every possible combination of states for kerry to somehow conceivably win this thing.


2 things i don't understand:

1) the absentee ballots: do they start counting them before election day? if they don't, couldn't they? i mean, if they can keep things like the oscar winners secret, surely security for the absentee ballots really shouldn't be that much of a problem.

2) people complain about bush. they complain about the war he led them into. they think he's doing a crap job with the economy, with the war on the concept of terror, with whatever you choose to name. and yet, i look at the electoral map and i see so much red. i don't get it.

on the recipe front, i finally got up the courage to buy some nutritional yeast flakes. i have been reading about them and how vegans use them to lend a cheesy flavour to things. plus you can make fake cheese sauce, mac & cheese, etc. i have to say that what i made looked more like a mustard gravy than kd, but it sure did taste like cheese!!! just a couple of adjustments i think i have to make. why do so many veg dishes have weird aftertastes? ok, just the ones involving soy. and that's a soy aftertaste.


glen or glenda?

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i almost forgot...

it turns out that Smudge is not a girl at all.

Smudge is a BOY!!!

this is difficult to adjust to in my mind. j points out that he will be easier and cheaper to get fixed, which is true. his parents are picking the kitten up today, and will keep him at least until we both get back from the weekend.

a boy!


Billionaires For Bush

Billionaires For Bush

Has anyone else seen this? I saw a video on them last night and almost wet my pants I was laughing so hard. They are so brilliant, I wish I had seen them sooner. I would have started up a chapter here. There's even a Billionaires' Chapter in Seoul, Korea!

I cannot wait until the polls close. I have the day off. I am doing laundry and writing today. And packing to go to Vancouver thursday morning.

Eastern state polls start closing at 5pm MT....

Gonna make some popcorn.

In other news, J asked me if his DC Encyclopedia of Comic Characters or whatever it's called arrives, could I please walk to the post office and get it? sigh. it's cold out.


Saturday, October 30, 2004

conquering the dutch

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yes, it's finally happened. v at the Big House's request for a copy of the VermeerPlay has finally caused me to drag out the many volumes of drafts and notes and sit down to try and put a clean copy onto the hard drive of my computer. (the previous copy was erased in the horrible not-to-be-spoken-of Demagnetization2002) and needless to say i was procrastinating, even though i had set aside some alone time today, and the ever-soothing Radiohead was playing.

then, i realized that i was afraid of a stack of paper. not to mention a stack of paper that I WROTE. and since i think i'm a loser about 97% of the time, chances are i could very well have been a loser during the time i wrote the stack of paper. so odds are, there wasn't much to be afraid of. all i needed to do was quit waffling over "the best way to approach it" and just type the damn thing and if an idea occurred to me in the moment, then just put it in.

am i done?

no way in hell.

am i 4 scenes in?

you bet!

have i made changes already?

you know it.

will i finish a copy to give to the V-man?

i'm shooting for this week...

in other news...

our cable provider (after responding to my email inquiry that they had no plans to add this channel in the near future) has suddenly added Scream TV to the digital lineup, which i inadvertently discovered while flipping last night. all horror movies all the time? am i there!

and tonight's vegetarian experiment is:Peas, Potato and Eggplant Curry mmmm mmmm curry. Must finish my planned amount of scenes for today and then get to the grocery store to pick up spices.


Friday, October 29, 2004

as i speak to the pompitous of love...

thanks for the suggestions, one and all...

when it came down to brass tacks, i elected to wear the following:

a black and silver skirt
a black cowboy shirt with red shiny buttons and red butterflies
some shiny silver uh... bobbles? on springs that you wear attached to a headband
the bobbles had long strings of tinsel hanging down from them.

what was i?

a space cowboy.

but some people call me maurice...


Thursday, October 28, 2004

in search of ideas...

if anyone actually still reads this i need some quick ideas for a costume for tomorrow. i believe we are expected to dress up at work. i noticed j has a big red flannel shirt, and my first thought was:

lumberjack vampire?

just a little makeup and we're on our way. does this sound acceptable? anyone else have any ideas?


i make widows cry

i do.

today at work, i informed a recent widow that i would be unable to continue to send the phone bill to her deceased husband, as for legal purposes, we can only bill living people. i did put it in a more sensitive manner, but she became angry and tore a strip off of me and accused me personally of trying to make her life more difficult. i suppose of all the people who behaved like utter dicks to me today, i can sympathize with her.

in other news, i discovered a new subculture/fetish today...

go here but be warned: ye will see the mightiest and lowliest of creatures, put online for your judgement.

to bed now,


Wednesday, October 27, 2004

a certain someone...

who shall remain nameless (one day i should just name names. or i should assign pictures to everyone i'm talking about. or mathematical symbols. Dr.Matt? is there a mathematical symbol specific enough to represent someone who is so jittery and frustrating and maddening as to be the world's worst caffeine addict and the world's worst pothead at the same time? pi isn't going to cut it, Dr. Matt.)

in any case, not pi suggested a meeting to plan a certain writing competition sponsored by a certain organization on whose board i sit. after which, he was incommunicado. i have a date, and a possible time, which has been agreed upon by other attendees. however, we can't really action anything without not pi, yet we have no idea if he's going to show up tonight.


Sunday, October 24, 2004



The new diary is out!

I want it SOOOOO much. I gave Dr. Matt a copy of last year's edition for Christmas, but who knows if he derived any benefit from it?


Tuesday, October 19, 2004

everyone i talk to is a deadbeat

no, that's not an ironic title. today sucks at work. everyone i talk to is some kind of deadbeat. or a jerk. or a screamer. the list goes on.

in other news, i have to attend a board meeting of an arts advocacy association that i'm a member of... i sit on the board, for whatever prestige that may be worth. it seems that a certain artist is accusing us of being unsupportive of one particular format, but really insinuating that we are not supporting him in particular in his endeavours. he has written us an especially snooty and inflammatory letter that i wish i could post here, but have elected not to.

let's just say that he feels that special exceptions need to be made for him in particular because he is an important person, and the rest of us are not.

have i mentioned that artists can be jerks, too? oh yeah, big time. jerky jerk jerks.

speaking of which, i have another 1 1/2 hours of phones to answer. joy.


Wednesday, October 13, 2004

blog this

can it really be so long since i've posted anything? am i a just a big loser unable to commit even to my online ramblings?

it's possible.

let's see, what can i add here to somehow redeem myself and yet still get to work on time...

we went and saw our kitten! she is black fading to gray around her tail. and she has white feet. i think we are calling her Smudge.

i went to see Gomez last weekend... it was weird being at a concert where i didn't know any of the songs (J's favourite band). good show, though. also, this guy who was COMPLETELY baked came and sat next to me... and pulled out a harmonica. now, there weren't any harmonicas being played on stage, or anywhere else in the crowd for that matter, and i am not sure i have ever seen such wildly inappropriate behaviour. at first we thought he was miming a harmonica (perhaps even more wildly inappropriate than what was actually going on), but then we heard the strains of Stoney jamming along with Gomez. and howling out song requests.

ok, my time is now up. work time now.


Thursday, September 30, 2004

When you've read the Geeks...

Table for one Posted by Hello

be sure to visit this site. hilarious. devious. dastardly.

decidedly delicious.


Out, out, damned bot!

it seems like what shall hereafter be referred to as The Night of Many Scans and Swears is finally over. all thanks to the wonderful, (sob) wonderful information found at (see below). it is my site of the day. it is my site of all days to come, as long as that freakin' about:blank virus (or whatever) doesn't come back. as long as i am popup free, i am free and clear.

yes, it is almost worth having 3 hours of sleep just to realize that the computer is no longer sick.

i guess J was mentioning it at work today, (what with his computer-herpes-type guilt from being such a compulsive ad-clicker) and the lady he was talking to said:

"oh yes, i heard there's a virus going around from microsoft."

to which J replied:

"um... well, i think there are a couple of different viruses, and besides--"

to which the crazy lady replied:

"yes, what you need to do is go to microsoft and download some anti-virus software."

if only it had been that easy to clean out all the crap.

i do like the idea of microsoft actually personally infecting its users with viruses and then offering them the antidote, though. the conspiracy theory part of my brain is racing to latch on to that idea, while the more rational part of my brain tells me to go make lemonade and watch the simpsons.


The few, the proud, the Geeks. Posted by Hello

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Say it ain't soy...

VegWeb - vegan/vegetarian recipes, personals and more

This is a terrific site that I happened upon today while seeking out a recipe that would allow me to create fettucine alfredo for the boy who can't have dairy. I'm going to try a recipe involving coconut milk and soy parm tomorrow after work - wish me luck! If this doesn't work, I'll not only have ruined a whole truckload of pasta, but I'll be on my way back to the store for more soy products to try, try again.

Lots of yummy looking stuff here, though. Check it out!


Sunday, September 26, 2004

the thrill is gone...

can i get a booooooooooooo for getting up for work at 5:30 am?

perhaps i should have taken the individually-spaced days off; two days in a row is just enough time for me to forget that i have a job to go back to, a job where people will yell things such as:

"i only got pages 1, 3 and 5 of my bill!"
"i don't care if it's been on my bill for the last six months, why didn't you check my bill for me?"

and so forth.

you see, and i do apologize if any of you have recently called in to bitch and moan at me, but the people i talk to, for the most part, aren't very bright. Stubborn? Yes. Loud? Blue-ribbon winning. Bright? Well...

My list is almost done. Yes, Sputnik 101 is almost ready to embark. I can't express how difficult it is to come up with 101 things that are worth listing down that i want to accomplish. I think i have something like 25 or 26 left to go. but i'm giving up for tonight.

as much as i hate to admit it, it's almost time for bed.


Wednesday, September 22, 2004

and i feel fine...

how do you think the world will end?

i know there are all kinds of schools of thought on this one, most of them amazingly summarized here. (very entertaining and informative reading if you get a chance.)

but barring any mass plague, meteor impact, ice age, or disaster like that, assuming that we somehow escape the odds and the planet manages to last to the end of the universe, assuming we (or some form of we) are still here, what do you think will happen at the very end?

the universe, everything, is continually expanding, slowing, cooling. drifting. anything we can observe is completely ephemeral, in the long haul, as what we are observing eludes us and outdistances us like a ghost. the prevailing theories seem to suggest that one day, the whole thing will either be thrown into reverse (when the universe can expand no longer, the big crunch), or that quite the opposite, a Phantom Energy pulling at the outer reaches of the universe will increase in force, until galaxies, stars, planets, and even atoms themselves are torn apart in mass destruction. And then, there are those who say that neither of those things will happen, that the universe will continue to quietly expand forever, and earth will continue to exist, barring some kind of close encounter with a meteor or a black hole.

there are theories that suggest that all possible outcomes may happen, may have happened, in several times, in parallel dimensions. where every possible choice we could have made is being made. where the world is ending, has ended, is just beginning.

in these dimensions, these other times, these phantom lives, if they exist, the universe still continues to expand in its own time, with all its components drifting farther and farther apart. a yearning, rootless state, we are constant travellers all, satellites without orbit, forever trying to bring order to a world that slips through our grasp as quickly as we can attempt to comprehend it.


give a little knit...

so with the previously mentioned $20 damage deposit awarded back to me for cleaning up the madam's shit, i recently purchased the most amazing book:

Stitch 'N Bitch: The Knitter's Handbook

run out and buy it. now. it proves that knitting is cool, and that you don't have to be relegated to making old-lady cardigans and berets in sensible colors (unless, of course, you want to). right now i'm working on the alien illusion scarf, which is coming along quite nicely.

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a couple of nibbles about an old project have surfaced. the play i thought no one would buy has received interest from a most unlikely source. of course, i'm sure i've jinxed myself by even daring to mention it.


Friday, September 17, 2004

it makes the world go round

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well, after putting it off forever, i've finally decided to bite the bullet and order my credit report from equifax. because as my bank told me, there may be information that needs correcting that would allow me to get my card increased. to finally be able to earn points towards the purchase of a new gm vehicle. to at last receive those 15 extra air miles per year, perhaps accumulating enough to fly my cadaver to a prime burial location by the time of my death.

i'm no financier, but imho, it could also be the massive student loan i'm currently paying that mucks things up.

yes, the mail holds many wondrous things as of late. for instance, due to the mess left by my former roommate, the amount of damage deposit i received back was a bank-blowing $21.73. correction: she and i each received $21.73.

no justice. absolutely no justice in this world.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

ain't nothing like the real thing...

an interesting question has come to my attention...

blogs: distraction or 'real' writing?

i freely admit that this is more scrapbook of random observations and images than it is the next Long Day's Journey, but i have to say this amuses me. it keeps the words coming. to the point that my editor can jump for joy (well, perhaps just do some lunges in preparation for upcoming jumps), that i've actually started a draft of that article i've been promising him.

dare i say, when perusing my notes for said article, i even discovered some notes and a preliminary draft of my next play. and while i got stuck, i shopped around various sites online and realized there was a theatre company up here i have a contact with who may be interested in most recently produced blah blah blah.

the point being, i think i've just been in a holding pattern for the longest time. i'm used to being prolific, inspired, acclaimed, all those obnoxious things. instead i've been in the pit.

i guess this blog wouldn't qualify as literature. but it keeps things flowing. i'm quite proud of it, actually. i'm amazed at the terrific writers i read on blogger who keep their own sites. i want to be like them as much as i want to be like Wes Andersen or Charlie Kaufman or F. Scott Fitzgerald, or Jason Sherman or Morris Panych, etc., etc., etc.

a random search of eBay for "the real thing" brings up these 3 Kangaroo Scrotum Coin Purses for your perusal.

a random brain search brought this entry. and a note to self to treat all my writing like the real thing, paid, unpaid, produced, spec, or even these silly captions and whimsies.


Monday, September 13, 2004

been around the block

this post is dedicated to NKOTB. wherever you are, we salute you.

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in fact, i'd like to salute the many, many blocks in the world, from Alphabet to New Kids on The. Chopping blocks, city blocks, hat blocks, mental blocks, and most importantly, WRITER'S BLOCK.

yes, i've progressed to reading about writer's block, and now, at this juncture, i am now apparently writing about it. or at least mentioning it. it all boils down to this: either i have no ideas and never will, or i am somehow so bound by perfectionism that i am paralzyed at the sight of a computer screen.

unless, i suppose, when it comes to pasting pictures in front of silly topics. that, i seem to be able to sporadically do. so, does this count?

let's say this counts.

in that case, the conclusion i have drawn about reading about writer's block is that while it may be comforting to realize that other people feel like this, these articles are generally filled with cheery admonitions to feel good about yourself, and to gosh darn it, just get out there and write! now, maybe i'm just not a gosh darn it cheery kind of person, but this stuff just depresses me even more.

so that's when the comparisons begin. oh my, yes. between me and all the other writers and screenwriters i love. and then the pity party really kicks into full gear.

and then i turn on Oprah and see that she is giving away new cars to each and every person in her studio audience today. and i realize that the answer is really quite simple.

there is no justice in this world. none whatsoever.

and that should just about clear things up.


the big sleep

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it is only 9:44 pm and i am about to crash. this i blame solely on the neccessity of my having to get up at 5:30 every morning to go to work. my head is pounding, my vision is blurring. the half-assed yoga i did to refresh myself when i got home this afternoon seems like a ridiculous folly as stiffness begins to set in to these old bones.

a situation has come up. or rather, a situation is continuing to press itself upon my life. it poses the question: is it wrong to hold a grudge?

grudge: 'gr&j
to be unwilling to give or admit : give or allow reluctantly or resentfully

yes, the mysteriously messy madame x has returned from abroad, seemingly without knowledge or understanding of why taking 51 bags of her garbage out of an apartment, including the contents of a very mold-ensconced fridge, would cause me to be slightly frosty towards her.

i realize that rather than bitching about it to nobody in this blog, i should either confront the subject with her, or forget about her and move on with my life. instead, we had a rather terse, passive-aggressive conversation which ignored the issue on the surface, yet left the ending wide open for a more action-packed sequel.

would i be a bad buddhist to hold a grudge?

don't answer that.

but i really, really, really hated that garbage.


Thursday, September 09, 2004

the crack of dawn

well, i can't believe i managed to get up at the eye-shattering hour of 5:35 am to go to work. i have a mere 6 minutes to spare before i must head out the door and to the bus to avoid being late for my 7am shift.

it's snowing here. for some reason winter has come overnight. yesterday everyone said "it won't stick if it does snow". it seems to be sticking pretty well. or else it's just an early september blizzard which will lead to mid-september flooding.

perhaps i'm just grouchy because of the early hour, or because i haven't finished unpacking, specifically, i haven't finished unpacking my shoes, so i'm off to work in extremely inappropriate footwear, considering the circumstances.

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Tuesday, September 07, 2004

it is on

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it is so on.

i confess to harbouring a healthy (?) amount of revenge fantasies, but i don't normally endorse carrying them out. nor do i support holding grudges of any sort.

but there is a man.

a tiny-minded, pompous, know-it-all of a man, hereafter known as The Big B. Yes, The Big B has gotten too far underneath my skin this time: my new mission in life is to have him kiss my ass. not just to have him kiss my ass, but to outdistance him in every possible area.

this means, whenever i feel too lazy to write, i must think of this mission.

is this petty?

does anyone care?

Big B, you have been warned. your time at the top of the pecking order is numbered.

oh, it is so on.


Saturday, September 04, 2004

Mr. Monkey Posted by Hello

Mr. Monkey's word of the moment:


in the middle of our street

well, we have officially moved in. the boxes may still be strewn throughout the living room, my clothes may still be in a huge pile in the bedroom, but the important thing is that we are moved in and our tv is now working.

the 2 questions that weigh most heavily on my mind, then, are these:

1) how have i lived this long without the use of a dishwasher?


2) what should i do about The Bride?

The Bride, formerly known as My Roommate, is the lady who left for more easterly parts and left me with an apartment full of crap that took a full week and over 50 garbage bags to clear out. this was referred to in a phone message as "there's a bit of a mess-- sorry." since then we have had no contact other than another phone message requesting me to dig out of the wreckage a couple of tiny items she apparently forgot to rescue from the rubble.

what is preventing me from moving on with my life? what? well, before i returned to discover the remains of the apartment in question (where my damage deposit still hangs in a kind of landlord-tenant limbo) i laid out a couple of hundred bucks and booked a week off of work to fly off and be a bridesmaid in her wedding.

now, although the seething white-hot rage has subsided somewhat, i'm still more angry than words can convey about this whole situation. the inconsiderate-ness. the amount of shit i went through with my crazy landlords. the boxes and bags of crap i sorted through to go to goodwill. the fact that i had to call on friends and parents of friends to drive things over to value village donations dept. at the last possible minute because i was at work. the whole kit and kaboodle.

the classy, grown-up thing to do would be to suck it up and go. yet i can't help but think that i can transfer this ticket towards my flight home at christmas. also, i'm just too damned pissed off to think about going to a wedding right now.

what to do, what to do...

Sunday, August 29, 2004

house of pain

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well, the countdown has begun-- i am entering what should be the final stages of packing today. that and cleaning out the horrible, horrible messes that await me at every turn.

moving day is tomorrow night after work... and my attitude has already moved from the optimistic "of course i'll get all the cleaning done, the walls washed, the windows scrubbed, the oven cleaned" to the more realistic "where can i hide this dirt?"

ah, well. back to the grind, i suppose. soon, it will all be over.



Saturday, August 28, 2004

buried treasure and the decorating drag queen

i wish i knew what the hell was up with my formatting. oh, well.

the only good thing about digging through the ruins of this apartment, was that i found my cake decorating book, Frosting Fantasia, a delightful collection of disturbing cakes from the SunValley 1972 Cake Show. the reason i wanted to find it was that there's a woman who seems to be running the show, pictured in several candid shots... a very--handsome-- woman. then a few pages later, her husband is pictured-- and he looks remarkably like his wife.

as in, i wonder if cake decorating mavens of the early seventies used to whisper amongst themselves: "Is she, or isn't she?" or "why don't we ever see them together? they're like spiderman and Peter Parker!"

Polkaroo, indeed.

i have no idea if this is true or not. but now i can stare at the photos with my magnifying glass, inviting all who pass by to give their impressions. what a bizarre double life to lead. and if it is true, all because even in the sexy seventies, society couldn't accept a man who liked to decorate cakes. oh, and wear pantyhose.

i've been inspired by some other sites on the web, such as triplux and, who are running self-challenges of 101 things in 1001 days. essentially, the rule is that you list 101 things you want to accomplish in that timeline, and the wording must be specific, with no ambiguities. i'm going to start working on my own list, which i'm sure anyone who may be reading here will be thrilled about.

in the meantime, i must get back to packing.

remember: loose lips sink... cakes!

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madder than a wet hen

exactly how mad would that be?

my guess is that for every one box of mine that i have packed, i have packed up 1 box of madam x's stuff to go to goodwill and 2 extremely full garbage bags of shit to be pitched. at the moment it's a horribly rainy day and i have had no sleep and it's my day off and i am sitting in the middle of a seemingly endless pile of crap that i have to finish packing by the end of the day or i am seriously screwed.

because tomorrow, the cleaning begins.

i ask you: who doesn't clean out the fridge when they leave? WHO?

oh sweet zombie jesus, this is turning into that whiny bitchy blog that i hate.

don't pity me, i pray you. just clean out your fridges. for the love of god, clean out your fridges.


Tuesday, August 24, 2004

moving on up...

this is me:

ok, actually, you need to picture me not so much caught on a string, but rather, packing boxes. also, i am slightly less squirrel-like, and somewhat more exhausted and annoyed.

something more like this:

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or perhaps not.

in any case, did anyone miss me?


anyhoo, i am in the middle of moving to a lovely new abode. the only drawback is that my old roommate has already departed for her lovely new abode, leaving behind a ton of books, furniture, garbage, and other assorted worries. at the moment my time is split between working, packing, and desperately trying to clean up to avoid the wrath and ire of my crazy landlords.

in financial news, the person or persons who are apparently trying to scam the government out of tax money by convincing them that there is a textile import/export business under my name are back... i received a refund cheque yesterday for about $1800.00 . oddly, when i called, the fellow i spoke to seemed unconcerned. am i wrong to worry that someone is stealing my identity and setting up false textile import and export businesses? should i just cash the cheque anyway? is this one of those bizarre joe schmo reality shows where i'm being tested without knowing it?

of course, now that i suspect, i expect producers to come scurrying out of the woodwork any minute now.

any minute now...

the new apartment is close to the chinese superstore. we can celebrate our move-in with the manly snack of men's pocky:

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men's pocky. so delicious. so strong. so... manly.


Wednesday, August 04, 2004

There's a man coming round taking names...

There's a fella in my neighborhood who's got a little homemade Charlie Brown-Lucy-style-advice-stand going on. He's trying to get people to sign his petition to allow both parents to have custody of their children. On the surface, a noble cause. I'd look him in the eye and tell him so myself, except I can't. Why, you may ask? Because beneath his sunglasses, his eyes are obscured behind a plastic, purple Lone Ranger mask. Why, you may ask?

I don't know.

The other day I passed him, and as he tried to solicit my signature, his dog, a lovely black Lab stood up from under the table and walked over to me, as if to say "Hi! My owner wears a plastic mask at all times! How are you? Help me!" The man immediately said to the dog: "That's it-- you're going into the truck."

Now, this was at about 10am, and I happen to know that when I walked by several hours later, the Purple Ranger was still there with his petition, masked and dogless. Which led me to believe that the mystery as to why he might not have custody of his kids might not be so much of a mystery. Think about it: pets are kind of like the starter kit for kids. Yes, they may not be quite so vocal about their desire for ice cream, and they may out of loyalty endure more torture before actually dying, but if you can't treat your dog decently on a 30-degree day... well, hopefully he took a lunch break and drove the poor pupster home, but I'm thinking that wasn't the case.

Monday, July 26, 2004

like a rolling stone...

i'd like to note that Dr. Matt, although still awesome, has yet to include me in his links page. Tsk tsk, Dr. Matt. in the immortal words of Bon Jovi: Who-oa, shake it up, it's like bad medicine...

bad medicine, indeed.

speaking of bad, and bar rock, i had the opportunity to view the remains of the late, great Loverboy over the weekend. mike reno... no. more interesting was the immense group of still-partying, mass-mulletted folk who gathered to smoke their reefer (because Everybody's Working For The Weekend just needs that extra kick) and rock the hell out. also, to introduce their children to the phenomenon that is Loverboy.

delightful, no?


Friday, July 23, 2004

is there a doctor in the house?

i'd like to give a shout out to my brother Dr. Matt for his kind mention on his own delicious blog. also, since i can't  quite figure out how to contact him through his web page, perhaps we can communicate through thinly disguised, vaguely hypothetical blogger fiction.

Dr. Matt is super-cool. He is a mathematician.  He drives an electric car. Well, it's half electric. He lives in the US of A.  He teaches something called discrete math. shhhhhh.... it's a secret.

do you want to know who he is? do you really want to know?

sorry. the first rule of the discrete math club is-- well, it's discrete. nuff said.

hey, work's about to start. and sadly, i have contributed nothing but wasted bandwidth to the rich, insightful world of internet journals.

ah, well.  there will be more tall tales another day, i am sure.  and besides, tomorrow i will probably even have the capability to upload pictures once again. don't worry, i'll pick something juicy.


Wednesday, July 21, 2004

what to name the baby

isn't it crazy that we would be trying to think of the perfect name before we even meet our cat-to-be?  before we even find an apartment, for god's sake?  still, with pets, especially cats, a name is everything. 

there are to be no Fluffy's or Missy's in my household.  my theory is that a cat name and a 1970's TV cop name should be interchangeable. or a 1970's TV villain name, for that matter.  think about it.  how cool would it be to have a big ol' cat named Rockford? or my personal favourite of the moment, Eli?

or Hutch?

get the picture?

if anyone actually reads this, please do feel free to post a suggestion of your own.  the settings have now been changed for this specific purpose. but i warn you - if you abuse this privilege and start posting uppity frou-frou names, there will be hell to pay!

hell to pay!


ps - sorry about the lack of pictures. i'm just as unamused as you. this is what happens when i'm away from my own computer for so long.

Monday, July 19, 2004

just a test

to see if i can post from this internet friendly new company of mine.

where else do i get paid to sit here and eat gummi worms and learn about internet service?

more later. break over. candy waning.


Tuesday, July 13, 2004

And We Will Have Fondue Beneath the Mushroom Clouds

Real Kraft Canned Cheese Product: " One product that has always been missing from food storage has been real CHEESE. "

For reasons that are perhaps best left unmentioned, a challenge was issued to me to find a source of spray-on cheese here in Canada. While searching for this distinctly American delicacy, I found a canned cheese that I had no idea existed-- a cheese not to be used for novelty retro parties, nor for self-defense, nor fraternity pranks; this cheese was wrought (and canned) for the very survival of the human race in some post-apocalyptic nuclear wasteland, or some nightmarish paramilitary state in the not-too-distant future.

Don't miss out-- a case (pictured below), only costs $84.90 US. And while you're shopping, don't forget to check out the Real Canned Butter:.

These cans are going DOWN! Down into my bomb shelter, that is!


cheese: snackable AND stackable!  Posted by Hello

Monday, July 12, 2004

Yes, it truly is amazing. Posted by Hello

No thanks, I'm stuffed...

While searching for a squirrel skull on eBay (don't ask), I was compelled to search for the term "Taxidermy" in all categories. I can't decide whether I would recommend this as a course of action for the curious, or if I would strongly suggest avoiding it in order to preserve what little innocence one may still have regarding disturbing human behaviour. I would not, however, recommend doing as I did, and nonchalantly entering that term into said search engine while blithely eating an apple cinnamon muffin.

Oh, it all starts out innocently enough with mounted butterflies, and those slightly odd waterbug key chains. But sooner then you'd want to, you get into the hardcore stuff. And I'm not talking about jackalopes (see my self-portrait to your left). But yes, people actually mash a deer and a rabbit together to construct these things in an Isle-of-Dr.-Moreau-in-my-rec-room type fantasy. What I'm getting at is the little Jack Russell terriers and Persian kittens lovingly built out of goat fur. Skunk fur. Rabbit fur. PEOPLE ARE MAKING ANIMALS OUT OF OTHER ANIMALS. To me this is far more disturbing than the guy selling his cat's skull online. Like, what do you do with these little darlings when you receive them? All the posts seem to refer to potential buyers' collections. I shudder to thing of Mr. Bennett down the street stealing off to his garden shed by the pale moonlight to be with his army of goat-wrapped cats and dog-filled skunks. The eyes... THE EYES!

I'm sure that taxidermy takes skill. I'm sure that it's even an art to do it well. But then you have my friend below... yes, I'm talking about the AMAZING ARMADILLO.

Isn't it bad enough that this animal has to spend its afterlife above your fireplace, or standing around in your TV room? Bad enough you're probably going to use it as a footrest, or a coffee table, or dress it up for the holidays. Do we have to humiliate the animal completely? I realize that armadilloes may not have a lot of natural dignity to begin with, but still...

I think I may begin drafting my will to have myself stuffed and mounted in this exact position. Sort of a solidarity with abused dead (undead?) armadilloes. My union, their union.

Nuff said.


Let's take a closer look... shall we? Posted by Hello

Friday, July 09, 2004

Vindaloo? That sounds delish! Posted by Hello

jo jo dancer...

the other day i was sitting on the bus, a bus crowded with rain-soaked, mildly disgruntled and hungry passengers, when i heard the distinct bleating of a cell phone.

now, i admit that i am currently in the market for a phone myself, and if i had one, i would probably use it. i would probably even use it in public places. and i will admit that since i don't actually have my own cell phone, i'm unaware of pressing consumer issues such as phone reception on buses.


the one thing that drives me INSANE about people talking on their cell phones is the people who take all their calls in this unnaturally loud, Stone Phillips-type voice. maybe they're trying to be heard over some kind of static on the line, but since they never mention this "static" (and trust me, you hear everything else they mention), i can only assume that they are in some way bragging. somehow, some sick need for attention causes them to lord their technological advancement over the rest of us poor jerks.

isn't that why people used to use the first cell phones? the ones that looked like you were holding an immense MixMaster to the side of your face? or the first CAR phones? sure, you looked like a dork, but you could order a pizza to yourself in the parking lot.


this particular fellow was having a very involved conversation with or about an unseen individual named "John". the meat of which centered around a business transaction involving a stereo, or possibly an XBox. Mr.Phone on the bus was unsure what to do about John's deception, and was threatening vacating his apartment in retribution. (again, if you want to make yourself seem powerful and interesting, perhaps consider a loudspeaker conversation with a fictious real estate agent. stockbroker. porsche dealer.)

as i listened to him talk, i wondered what would happen if i just tapped him on the shoulder and offered my advice about what to do in his situation. "i think you and john need to sit down and talk this out." i imagined myself saying, "go for indian. make a night of it."

after all, shouldn't Mr.Phone welcome input from the public forum? or would he get all huffy and insist that he was in a private conversation and that i was a snooping bitch?

he got off the bus (still talking) in front of the head shop. i didn't look back. but i think next time, i might offer my $0.02 worth.


Tuesday, July 06, 2004

Delicious AND nutritious! Posted by Hello

Weight Watchers recipe cards, circa 1974

Weight Watchers recipe cards, circa 1974

i thought i'd include this in honour of the diet i will one day have the will power to complete.

they are a true testament to the fact that what separates humans from the rest of the animal kingdom is our capacity for self-loathing. i mean, anyone who would willingly partake of... well, you'll have to see for yourself.

bon appetit!


putting off my chores to talk about procrastination

a couple of years ago, i entered a 24-hour playwriting competition. the deal was that you went into this office building one weekend, and they shut you in there in front of a computer until you handed in a play, or until 24 hours had elapsed. pizza and flophouse-style mattresses were also provided.

the point is: i managed to write a fairly decent play in about 16 hours or so. plus a little editing time. but all in one shot. now, if you told me that i could take 16 hours over the course of the next MONTH to write a play, i am absolutely sure that i wouldn't do it. how do i know this? i have been largely unemployed for about 3 months now, and nary a word has been written... oops? there is something odd in my brain that just assumes that unless i have a deadline, i'm not going to get anything done. perhaps i should hire someone to call me up at odd hours and leave vaguely threatening messages... could that get the creative juices flowing?

in the exciting world of corporate news-- i get to interview for not one, but TWO thrilling secretarial jobs over the next two days. back to the world of typing tests for me!


this return to corporate drudgery rests squarely on the shoulders of my whopping student loan. freelance really just doesn't cut it when it comes to making those payments. and, as i have discovered through the years, banks have little to no sense of humour when it comes to... well, anything.

there is no other news to report at the moment. rehearsals for readings and such are well underway. this morning was a time of complex VCR engineering in order to tape not only Last Comic Standing, but also Big Brother, AND...

wait for it...


yes, i am pathetic.
AMAZINGly pathetic!


Monday, July 05, 2004

a day of tiny hamburgers

yesterday on our way to see the movie, we stopped in at the Chinese Superstore to pick up some more delightful japanese candies... on the menu are these little cookies that someone has gone to an awful lot of trouble to ensure that they look JUST LIKE hamburgers. initially, i brought a box home to my boyfriend in the hopes of tricking him into eating some kind of beef-flavoured candy, but no such luck. the damned things are delicious. creepy, but delicious. little toasted cookies (with sesame seeds on them, no less) in the shape of buns, grasping a chocolate patty that's topped with "cheese" that's made of... shortening? palm oil? i have no idea. addictive. disturbing.

i also bought a box of chocolate-filled koala bears, (falling prey to the same strange force that compelled my boyfriend to purchase a tin of "Mixed Drops", the powers of packaging) and the mysterious "Salad Fries"... they seem to be some kind of vegetable-flavoured freeze-dried french fry. the packaging shows several vegetables trapped in floating octagons of different colours... somewhat reminiscent of high school chemistry diagrams. vegetable molecules? who can say. i'm a bit afraid to try them, but the pathos of the potato character on the bag was too strong a force to resist. packaging. always with the packaging.

the movie, by the way, was "Fahrenheit 9/11". which was amazing. way better than any of Michael Moore's previous films. i think the fact that he wasn't "in" most of it really removed the sort of smug, smarmy quality that can sometimes overpower his work. in any case, a really powerful film. which, by the way, isn't just a bunch of people on screen chanting "bush is stupid, bush is stupid!" please.

and, just for fun, today's site of the day...

Yes, is home to some of the yummiest real vintage t-shirts i have ever seen. i found them while feeding my new and dangerous eBay habit. sad, i know. but great t-shirts.

Saturday, July 03, 2004

just another saturday night... Posted by Hello

Friday, July 02, 2004

please do not be alarmed...

this is only a test.

so i can see what the damned thing looks like.

and try this:


that's right. it's free. it's fun. it just wasted an hour of my time. yee gads.