Sunday, November 29, 2009


Well, last week I was down three pounds-- gotta love the first week of weight watchers for getting rid of water weight. This week-- no change. Going to keep working the program, I guess, and try to be happy that I'm maintaining. Just cooked up a big batch of tofu scramble for my lunches this week. I tend to get into self-imposed food ruts, eating the same thing for days at a time, for breakfast and lunch. It gets a little boring, but I'm lazy. Also, working two jobs at the moment doesn't leave me with a lot of time or energy to plan fancy-pants lunches.

I took a trip to value village today-- right now I'm a 14, bordering on a 12 in some things. But all the good clothes are in an 8 or 10. Sizes over that are pretty slim pickings-- don't bigger ladies ever get rid of their clothes? Or do skinnier people just buy clothes every week because they're so easy to find? I'm going to have an awesome, cheap wardrobe a few pounds from now.

I've been reading "The War of Art" by Stephen Pressfield, which I would highly recommend to anyone in a creative field, especially anyone who's struggling (and who doesn't struggle from time to time?). It's an easy read, very concise and to the point. He talks a lot about resistance, and there are a couple of concepts that really stuck with me. He talks about the amateur and the professional, not so much in a training/money-making sense, but in the sense of commitment. The basic difference is that the professional is fully committed to the work, not the end product, not defining themselves by their art form, not taking things so personally. But the main difference he defines is that the amateur believes that "if I could just overcome my fear, everything will be fine". Whereas the professional knows that the fear is always there, can never be vanquished completely, but you just have to feel the fear and do it anyway. Which has definitely been a point of contention for me lately.

The other thing that struck me was when he tells a story of writing a screenplay that he really believed in, it being made into a movie he really believed in, only to have it panned and fail. He was feeling depressed, dejected, and negative, when someone told him to stop it, because criticism and potential failure "is the risk you take for being in the arena and not in the stands". Which really hit home for me.

I want to be in the arena. Because I feel like I've been hovering in the stands for a while now.

Anyway, off to tupperware some tofu for tomorrow...

Monday, November 16, 2009

You've got to aaaaaaaccentuate the postive...

Just a quick update for today:
Still working both jobs, though my schedule has gotten a little bit less hectic as of late... fewer 12 hours days, I can handle!

The audition-- I'm pretty sure it was a big NO THANK YOU. But not because I sucked. I thought I did pretty well in my monologue, and decently in the singing (hey, no one stopped me after we passed the "I'ma let you sing long enough to avoid damaging your self-esteem" politeness zone). But I got the distinct feeling that I was not in fact what he was looking for.

It looks like we're going to be taking our honeymoon in January in sunny Jamaica! So looking forward to just relaxing and having drinks for a week. It can't come soon enough as far as I'm concerned.

On the career front... about the same. I applied to Banff, and now just have to wait to hear back from them. I've had interest from another agent, and I'm not sure if I should make the move or not. Like, am I not getting hired because it's me, because it's my agent, because there's kind of nothing happening here right now? Too many variables in the equation.

On that front (and with an impending beach holiday), I'm re-committing to weight watchers. I have about 25 pounds to go to my goal, and I think dropping a couple will make me a lot more marketable. Plus healthier, more confidence, all that good stuff. I'm pretty sure I can't lose 25 in two months, but I'm hoping to be about 10 down by the time we get to the beach. Doable, even during the holiday season?

So I'm trying to remain positive. That includes re-framing my seemingly endless, snide and slightly bitter inner monologue. Why is it so hard to remain positive?

There's a woman who works at the coffee shop I go to before work in the morning who prides herself in remembering her customers' names. Except, she can't remember mine to save her life. Every single day, she guesses a completely wrong name. And it irritates me to no end. I think that it really just triggers some insecurity about being ignored, never being recognized, etc. And, of course... it's just annoying! I've been thinking about giving her a different name every time she asks, since mine never seems to stick. Maybe go through the 90210 roster-- old school, of course. Brenda, Kelly, Donna, Awwwwndrea, Valerie, Emily... even Dylan. Is that mean?

Once I assume the coffee-identity of all the 90210 characters, I can start up Degrassi Jr. High names. All the way with Stephanie Kaye!

Monday, November 02, 2009

The Start of a 60 Hour Week

So I have two jobs-- my customer service job, and a temporary gig editing scripts for a video game. I'm excited to be editing again, although it came about so suddenly that I wasn't able to get out of my csr shifts this week. Hence I am working 12 hours a day pretty much every day this week... hooray? This is the time when a car would definitely come in handy. Fortunately the paycheck will come in handy to pay off wedding bills, regular bills, next term's singing lessons, and quite possibly go toward a beater car.

On the career front, I went to see a play reading yesterday-- cast of 7 men, 1 woman. Isn't that just the way of theatre these days? So many plays about men, directed by men, starring men. I liked the first half, not so much the second half. Which of course, gave me time to think-- I always find that ideas will come to me when I'm watching theatre-- specifically theatre that I don't care for.

I feel like I get fired up easily, but I need to channel that into action. Like get angry at feeling passed over and do something about it, make something happen, rather than getting mopey and bitter about it. The thing is, I'm pretty good at being mopey and bitter-- I need to improve on the action plan part.

So I'm going to apply to the Banff Colony. I'm planning to submit my application on Wednesday, which is my one night off before the deadline. I also made a list of other Canadian theatres which accept script submissions and who have the mandate/budget to do a production of my play. It's clearly time to start looking out of town, starting with Canada, and moving on to the US and other countries if every Canadian theatre company rejects me. Hopefully they won't, but at least I have a plan if they do.

Acting wise, I don't know. I've submitted for a couple of things, but I think I may have to use the out-of-town approach for that,too. I'm trying to think of little, cheap ideas that I can self-produce, to get myself out there. Because ultimately I care less about a select group of people thinking I'm cool than I do about getting my work out there to the public.

Sadly, it's the select group of people who can hire me to do their shows, but since when do I like other people being the boss of me?