Sunday, January 31, 2010

Day 6

Today is/was day 6 of the cleanse. It was a hard day, I'll admit. It didn't help that I woke up feeling rather blah and unmotivated-- do you ever have those days where you just have no motivation to do anything? I don't know if it's just that end of January meh feeling I always struggle with, or the fact that today EVERYTHING I WANTED TO EAT HAD GLUTEN IN IT.

I just shouldn't have gone grocery shopping, really. But I had to go get a prescription filled, and get my nails fixed (I've developed an unhealthy depends on my big ole fake nails since the wedding), and it just made sense to pop in to the grocery store and get some mushrooms for tonight's risotto.

As soon as I stepped into the store, my immediate urge was to deny every single chickpea and nugget of quinoa (grain? nugget? niblet?) I've eaten over the past week. Them? No, sorry, never heard of them. I had an instantaneous craving for soy bacon and tomato sandwiches (just the bacon's soy, not the tomatoes, folks. ba-doom-*ching*! thank you! I'm here all week!). I checked the package, knowing the answer wasn't something I wanted to hear. Yep. Gluten.

To make a boring story short, I felt a bit better upon slogging home and making myself some oven sweet potato fries. I'm going to look through some cookbooks tomorrow and try to at least plan something interesting for dinners this week.

Blah blah blah DIET blah blah blah FOOD blah blah blah GLUTEN, right? Am I really that uninteresting? Is this quickly becoming a blah-g? Wait, I can talk about exercise! I put a bunch of workout dvd's on hold at the library, figuring that I might actually find a couple I like, and that I can switch them up and avoid getting bored with the whole situation. The first one I think I'm going to try is called "Dance Off The Inches: Country Line Dancing".


The cover, from a distance, makes it look like a low-budget porn. (And I worked at a video store with an extensive adult section. I'm well familiar with low-budget porns. From a retail sense, you understand.) Maybe I'll get crazy and post a pic of myself line dancing.

But back to motivation. Gentle readers, do you ever lose your motivation? How do you kick yourself in the ass and get back in gear?

Thursday, January 28, 2010

One of my worst habits

Is saying "let's work together"! Okay, it's not one of my more annoying habits like constantly singing conversations, or a destructive habit like smoking. But I think it is a bad habit, in a way.

I plan these little projects with people, and we're all excited, and we're going to Make. It. Happen. or Do. Some. Crazy. Shit., and then... well, more often than not, things fizzle out. Life happens. I get busy, or they get busy, or one of us gets a gig, or, or, or... all those things that can derail a project.

And so I am in awe of people who self-promote, self-produce, self-anything, really. Because I have done it in the past, and it's hard. And I'm wondering that if I did it in the past, where did all my motivation go? Which is the real danger for me of planning a project with someone else. Because, really, no one is ever going to be as interested in your career and your creative future as you are. And nor should they be. But I believe that you have to find the right people to connect with, the people who won't fizzle out. I need to (a) put my money where my mouth is, as it were, and (b) follow through, and maybe even (c)find people to work with who are also driven to follow through.

Because it's all very well to have plans... I've always been great at coming up with imaginary futures, and new projects, and plans,plans,plans! It's really the action part I seem to have trouble with.

Scared? You betcha! Trying to outrun my thoughts of "Meh, this probably won't work out anyway"? You know it! But I have to get out of this rut. Out of any rut. And I'm beginning to realize that the only person who can do that is me.

In other news, Day 4 has passed along uneventfully... I refused croissants, biscuits, even fudge cake. (Job #2 has a fully-catered kitchen right by my office, and many many co-workers with delicious treats). I don't even really miss bread that much, which surprised me. Tomorrow is weigh-in day. I'm already amping up not to get discouraged.

Did I mention that one of my other worst habits is a slightly negative attitude towards myself?

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

The Cleanse, Days 1-3

Hello, friends and neighbours!
Well, I didn't hear back from the industrial I auditioned for, and today was my last day to worry about it. I like to do that with stuff like this-- give myself a deadline for when I would reasonably hear yes or no, and then... just stop worrying about it. It doesn't mean I still couldn't hear later this week, but I just need to let it go. Because otherwise I would drive myself crazy thinking about it.
As I mentioned before, I'm doing the Quantum Wellness Cleanse for 21 days. Yes, I saw it on Oprah, but I did read both books (Quantum Wellness, and The Quantum Wellness Cleanse). I think I'm really ready to invite some healthy changes into my life, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't hope I'd lose some weight in the process.

Basically, the Cleanse is about adopting healthier habits nutritionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. Hmm, it sounds a bit cult-ish when I put it like that. It's not, though. You give up the following for 21 days:
*refined sugar
*animal products, including eggs and dairy

I don't drink tons of caffeine, and I'm not usually a big drinker. I'm also already a vegetarian, and since J can't have dairy, we have TONS of vegan cookbooks around the house. In fact, we eat vegan food quite often. Still, I was worried that it would be hard to go full-on vegan for 3 weeks. Turns out, it's gluten that's the difficult one. That shit is everywhere!

Anyway, it's going well heading into day 4 tomorrow. I don't feel much different yet, but I don't feel deprived, either.

Here's what I ate today:

Breakfast: plain oatmeal with soymilk, banana, and a little agave nectar
Snack: unsweetened applesauce
Lunch: Tofu scramble with red peppers, onions, mushrooms, and carrots
Snack: Carrot sticks and a handful of roasted cashews
Dinner: Tacos with refried beans, avocado, tomato, lettuce and soy cheese

I may have some fruit or a rice cake with a little peanut butter later if I get hungry. But it sounds a lot like WW Core, doesn't it? I did buy some gluten-free products like bread, wraps and crackers, but it's pretty expensive. I think next week I'm going to try and focus on rice, beans and greens. Cheap, vegan, gluten-free, and healthy.

It may be TMI, but I have a feeling in a couple of days I'm going to be pooping like a champ!

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Audition #2

So today I had audition #2. And it's funny, the amount of time I spent stressing about it, trying to get my shift covered, learning my sides, getting dressed in a respectable-social-worker fashion, trying to get there in the snow, it all culminated in what was literally a five-minute period of my life. Before I knew it, I was back out on the street, heading home.

I think it went well. It seemed like it did. Of course, you could drive yourself crazy thinking of the various meanings behind "Great job", and "Thank you!" I haven't had too many on-camera auditions yet, but here's how they generally break down so far:

You get there. There's usually a sign-in sheet of some kind. And you can tell who your competition is, because they will all look somewhat like you, or at the very least be dressed like you. Many of these people know each other, and make what can sometimes seem like forced conversation about other gigs they've been working on, how they know the director/casting director/writer/other person of importance on the project. Other people will be smiling tersely, furiously going over their sides.

You wait. See people go in (and sometimes hear their audition through the door), come out. Eavesdrop on any conversations concerning: who and how many people are in the room. Wait some more if they're running behind.

You get called in. There's a cameraman, a reader, the director and/or casting director. You go stand on your mark (a piece of tape in the shape of a T), and be nice, agreeable, nice, energetic, and nice, doing your best to project the attitude that you're confident, together, talented, and easy to work with. You slate yourself, if they ask for it: looking into the camera, state your name, agency, and the role you're reading for.

You audition. The reader may give a lot, or they may be monotone, emotionless, and hard to hear. You might get some direction and get to do it again, or you might get nothing.

You're done! You might hear compliments, you might just hear "thank you". After all, they've got a lot more you's in the waiting room to get through, and they've been doing this all day. And it's pretty much crazy-making to try and figure out any subtext in their comments.

Overall, I feel like it went really, really well. It was definitely the first time I've come out of an on-camera audition feeling so good about it. (I tend to get CAMERA PANIC. Have I talked about this before? You know that episode of 30 Rock where Jack is going to be on the show, and he doesn't know what to do with his hands, and he needs two coffee mugs to walk "naturally"? Sometimes cameras make me feel like that on the inside.) Of course, now the wait begins, but I'm going to try not to focus on it. If I hear, I hear. If not, hey, at least I'm getting called in for stuff, right?

Friday, January 22, 2010

Come On, Get Down With The Sickness...

Last night, between work and Value Village, I remember thinking "Hmmm. My throat is a little sore." Sometime between then and going to bed, I got the mother of all sore throats, a cough, some stomach ickiness, and so on.
Of course, this morning, I woke up with absolutely no voice. Curses! So I called in sick to Job #2, and hung out in bed all day, desperately willing the scarf I'm wearing to have a curative effect beyond the psychological. Oh, and trying to memorize my sides for tomorrow. And hemming a pair of pants, and making an adjustment to the top I bought last night.
And weighing in.
Yes, I did it. And while I was (as always)outraged that I wasn't suddenly 10 lbs lighter without doing anything, I am going to consider this my new starting number.
Could this be pre-special-woman-time weight? Maybe. Does that matter? It shouldn't, especially if I'm going to stop playing mind games with myself about it. And it's a far cry from my all-time adult high of 235 (which I was also outraged to find out about, especially after catching sight of myself in a store window and not recognizing myself. "Why didn't anyone tell me?" I raged to myself.)

Tomorrow after my audition (send good vibes at around noon MST, please!), I'm going for some gluten-free goodness at the grocery store. It's funny how that five to seven minute slot really weighs over my whole day. I mean, it's what I really want to be doing, it is. I've gone through the whole examining-my-pathos career stuff. And I keep coming to the conclusion that I'm a creative person, specifically a performer and writer. And somehow I've just gotten it in my head that I shouldn't put myself out there, because I'm not... something.

So begone, doubts! And laryngitis! Tomorrow I get to act for some people. If only for five to seven minutes.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Back to real life, and Audition #2

So here I am, back at work (Job #2, to be specific), and it's cold and a little snowy outside. I'm just beginning to discover that my house does not, in fact, have a swim-up bar or a buffet. And I'm back to getting up early and slogging to work.

While I was leisurely perusing my emails yesterday (still haven't managed to escape the email lists of all the wedding vendors), I noticed that an email my agent had sent me had an attachment that didn't look like an attachment. And what I mean by this is: sometimes for non-union or non-paying gigs (something you'd do for resume credit and experience), she'll send out breakdowns for us to submit ourselves to. Usually stuff like student films and the like. Which is what I thought this particular email was. But when I clicked the unnoticed attachment, I saw that it was actually a schedule for Saturday, with my name smack in the middle of the day.

It seems she'd submitted me for an industrial, and they've asked to see me. Unfortunately, Job #1 had scheduled me all day Saturday. Much frantic facebooking later, I managed to find someone to cover my shift, and now I have two more things on my list of things to do:

1) head to Value Village on my way home to find something smart and businesslike in camera-friendly colours (all my work-ish clothes are black or crazy patterns, a no-no for camera)
2) memorize my sides for Saturday morning

See? Just when I start giving up, life throws me a bone. Thanks, life!

It just so happens that last night I was reading The Actor's Voice, which is a terrific weekly column by Bonnie Gillespie--she's an actor turned casting director, and she has great perspective for actors. This week's column is about doubt, and she poses the question "What would you do if you knew you could not fail?"

Which is a simple enough, hippie-granola-ish question. But I know that my list of things would probably be quite long. The threat of failure is an embarrassingly huge influence in my life. And Bonnie suggests that I consider letting my doubts go, whether I'm using them to protect myself, using them as an excuse to not really go for it, whatever. I don't even know what I doubt, exactly. Something I'll have to examine further, I suppose.

OK, finishing some work, planning some menus, and hoping some other size 12/14 woman has discarded the perfect outfit!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Choosing differently...?

Hello friends and neighbours!
Thanks to all who've commented on previous posts lately-- I love knowing that someone's reading.
Jamaica was fabulous and relaxing and lazy. We had a great time not doing anything. I do have some rather boring pictures of the resort and the ocean, which I will eventually perhaps even post.
I must confess-- I'm not a huge picture taker. I think it may come from growing up before digital cameras, but taking pictures isn't something that immediately occurs to me. Which is strange, because I'd say I'm a very visual person. I'm going to try to get better at documenting things with pictures. Which brings me to the subject of this post...

choosing to do things differently.

I'm a creature of habit, I freely admit. I like getting stuck in my little comfortable ruts, and I get anxious about change. About trying and failing, about doing things wrong. But eventually the rut gets more tedious than comforting, and I'm confronted with the fact that for things to change, I have to make different choices in life. Possibly scarier, choices. Taking risks. And so on.

I'm excited to start my cleanse on Monday, heading out to get some vegan essentials this weekend. (And gluten-free--- eek!) But I know that to achieve what I want, I have to actually step up and claim it. Like change how I eat, commit to exercising, get those new headshots, put myself out there. I feel like I'm surrounded by so many fearless people, it gets me down sometimes. Or maybe they're not fearless at all, but they've figured out how to get out and do it anyway.

How does that happen? Do you train yourself to be brave? Just do stuff before your brain gets in the way? Is it an innate ability, or something you can learn?

Speaking of, in a roundabout way, I actually sang in a piano bar in Jamaica. And it wasn't as bad as I thought. Mind you, i was a little bit drunk at the time, so that probably helped. A little.

PS- I haven't weighed yet. I figure I'm going to let things settle down for a couple of days (not drinking a lot of rum-based girly drinks may help) and weigh in on my usual Friday.

Friday, January 08, 2010

Ba da da da da da da... feelin' pudgy...

It's kind of like feelin' groovy, only less pleasant.
Well, today I weighed in. And the news is not good, my friends. Today I am at 174. 174! How is it possible to gain 5 pounds in a week? I haven't been eating THAT much. I didn't think so, anyway. I mean, realistically, that's 3500 calories per pound... umm... 17,500 calories over and above the calories I need just to maintain? That's a lot of food. Could it be the massive amounts of salt I've been eating? Not enough water? Hormonal stuff? Not enough fibre?

Many, many possibilities here. And so, friends and neighbors, we come to a subject that is known to weight strugglers, but perhaps not to the lifelong skinnies. It's a terrible world of mathematics and rationalization (and irrationality) and it's known as


At the risk of sounding crazy, let me explain. Real weight is... well, real weight. You gain it from eating too much food, usually over a longer period of time than a couple of day. Not-real weight is the water weight, the special-ladies'-moontime bloat. I could sit down and try and assign the weight gain (1 lb to real weight, 2 lbs to water weight, etc.), and believe me, there have been times I've obsessed over stuff like that. If you don't already obsess about that stuff, don't start. It will make you crazy and a little miserable with yourself.

Of course, I'm going on an all-inclusive, buffet-laden, booze-ridden holiday next week. And it's going to be hot, so I'm going to have to wear some summer clothes, and a bathing suit. I'm going to try and eat light until we leave Tuesday, and have fun but not pig out next week. And then get back on track when I get back to real life.

Off to drink some more water now...

Thursday, January 07, 2010

Well, that was anti-climactic...

So I went down to the blood donor clinic after work today... everyone was super nice, and I answered all the questions and sat in the chair squeezing the little rubber ball... and then... BLAMMO! the nurse totally missed my vein. Which sucked. And they couldn't find another one in my other arm. So they sent me home.
I guess I could have taken a cookie anyway, but I didn't. The good news is that there's only a couple of places to visit in Jamaica that would preclude you from donating blood, so I'm going to load up on water and try again when I get back.

I was all set to write this meaningful post about food and vegetarianism, but instead this is a short, meaningless post about my crappy veins.

Oh, but speaking of vegetarianism, I did find out that I'm not anemic. Not that the two go hand in hand (I've actually known plenty of anemic meat-eaters), but I was a little curious about whether I actually eat enough iron.

Most boring post ever!

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Another Blog Post For January!

I know! I'm on a roll here. I'm going to count this as writing, if only because it clears my brain of all the crap that clutters it up.

So I'm assuming a no go on that film. Which is-- well, it's whatever, because you never know why someone didn't hire you. It could be that I looked too old, or too fat, or they found an asian lady to play the grandmother part, or they decided to give the part to their friend after all. Them's the breaks, as the saying goes.

But I've been thinking a lot about my mere 25 pounds to go (or possibly a mere 30 pounds, depending on how 25 pounds from now looks). What's so hard about 25 pounds? I mean, I checked out Biggest Loser tonight, and there were people who needed to lose 200, 300 pounds to get to their goal. In the grand scheme of things, 25 pounds (or 30 pounds, as the case may be) isn't that much. But the thing I wonder is: Am I more afraid of succeeding than failing? Because let's face it, I know how to be overweight. I know how to be pleasantly plump, a little chubby, a two-sandwich girl, I even know how to be obese. And I know how handy an excuse it can be.

They would have cast me if I was 20 pounds lighter.

I'd be more successful if I wore a size 8.

I'd be braver if I was thinner.

But what if that isn't true? What if I do reach goal, and nothing changes? Still not booking auditions, still not brave enough to put my own stuff out there, still spending a season being ignored?

What if it isn't my weight? What if they just don't want me?
And that, my friends, is a little scary. Because what if I let my best excuse go, and I have to face up to not being good enough (or castable, or successful, or what have you) for no good reason?

And yes, "good enough" is a bad way of putting it. I don't base my value, my self-worth on my career. Or not that much, anyway. But I think some of you will know what I mean.

Because as much as my weight probably hinders me, it protects me, too.
So am I willing to give up my big defense?
I hope so.

In other news, I realized that once I go to Jamaica, I'll be restricted from giving blood for a while. So I figured that I should just get it out of the way before I go. So I'm going to donate blood for the first time tomorrow! Fear of needles be damned, they can have my sweet, sweet b-negative blood!

That's a lot of exclamation points.

Monday, January 04, 2010

Ho-Hum Monday...

Just when I was getting used to being lazy (and catching up on daytime TV), I find myself back at work. Both jobs today, before heading home to cook up a tofurkey feast that I was going to have yesterday, but then had an emotional meltdown, so I decided it was best not to cook. Emotional meltdown does have lingering aftereffects, but none I want to whine about on teh internetz. Suffice it to say-- who knew nicotine was what was keeping me sane and level?

Yes, I am trying ONCE AGAIN to quit my on-again, off-again affair with cigarettes. Today is day 2.5, and I am looking forward to not wanting to constantly eat eat eat. I don't want to dwell on it at length, perhaps I'll write more once I have some real distance between myself and my quit date.

I postponed tomorrow's voice lesson until after we get back-- sometimes it's good to go work through these things, and sometimes it's best to let things blow over on their own. I think this is one of those "have a pity party for a couple of days" times. Meanwhile, I'm trying to formulate a plan of attack for script submissions. Lunchbox Theatre in Calgary is holding their annual new play submission, and this is the year I will submit! I actually got shortlisted for the Petro Can New Plays program a few years ago, and have had an idea since then that I think would be perfectly commercial and darkly funny. So all I have to do is write the first 15 pages, send it, then live in hope/fear that they ask to see more.

I'm also trying to come up with a list of theatres to submit a couple of plays to-- looking for US and Canada here, people, so please send along any suggestions of theatres you know that produce new plays!

I realized yesterday, in my state of mope-i-tude, that I spend an awful lot of time, energy, and sometimes money on things that just aren't appreciated by their target audience. Somehow I always manage to put myself last, putting off things I really want to do or accomplish for later. I don't know if it's a woman thing, a wanting-to-be-liked thing, or just a lame thing. But I want to stop doing that, in favor of doing things I really want to do! Because, as the hair colour commercial says, I'm worth it!

Some things on my list-- head on down to fabricland, get a membership, some fabric, and make something nice for myself with my poor lonely sewing machine. Donate blood, although I am scared of it. (That's not really doing something for myself, but it's easy to put off inevitably). Buy some new clothes. Get a massage.

If only I could win the lottery for myself, this would make accomplishing this stuff easier!

Saturday, January 02, 2010

Welcome, 2010!

Finally, a whole new decade! We had a pretty fun NYE, drinking cocktails from a vintage recipe book, and having an 80's karaoke party in the living room. Basically we got hammered while singing Duran Duran, since we didn't actually get around to having dinner till after midnight. Yesterday was spent being hung over and sleeping. Today was slightly more productive, since I tried to clean up leftover wedding stuff and Christmas stuff-- I always get a little bummed about taking down the Christmas tree, I feel like the wedding really sucked up all my energy this year, and Christmas was suddenly just THERE.

I am looking forward to going to JAMAICA next week, though... sporting my retro pinup girl style bathing suit! Who would have thought I'd get excited to wear a bathing suit?

Speaking of, I have gained a couple of pounds. Well, like 2. And I blame some of it on Special Ladies' Moontime. But the official starting weight this year is 169. There. I said it! I'd like to get down to about 145 before re-evaluating. I think my lowest adult weight was around 130, which I seem to remember being hard to maintain. Of course, I never really exercised during those days, it was more a combination of Slim-Fast shakes and salads. So maybe getting a little yoga in once in a while would get everything a little more toned, and then who cares what the number is?

This may seem counter-productive, but I decided to cancel my online Weight Watchers membership before the next billing. Really, I can follow the Simply Filling/Core program without needing to look stuff up that often. And I can't really afford it, especially since I've been in the same 5-lb plateau for months and months. I think a change is in order. I've heard good things about SparkPeople, and it's also free, which will take a little $ pressure off me.

No gym membership, no WW-- what will become of me? I'm trying not to get stressed about food and stuff before next week-- really, I won't pig out while we're there (though I'm excited that there should be local veggie food!), but I won't sit around counting calories, either. I'm just going to go and have fun, knowing that I'm going to have a good detox once I get back.

Haven't heard back about the film-- giving it one more day before I put it in the "oh well" file.

Script writing is going painfully slowly-- hopefully we'll get a good draft in the can by the end of the month.

That's all the news that is the news! I'm off to make a green curry for dinner. Yum!