Another Blog Post For January!

I know! I'm on a roll here. I'm going to count this as writing, if only because it clears my brain of all the crap that clutters it up.

So I'm assuming a no go on that film. Which is-- well, it's whatever, because you never know why someone didn't hire you. It could be that I looked too old, or too fat, or they found an asian lady to play the grandmother part, or they decided to give the part to their friend after all. Them's the breaks, as the saying goes.

But I've been thinking a lot about my mere 25 pounds to go (or possibly a mere 30 pounds, depending on how 25 pounds from now looks). What's so hard about 25 pounds? I mean, I checked out Biggest Loser tonight, and there were people who needed to lose 200, 300 pounds to get to their goal. In the grand scheme of things, 25 pounds (or 30 pounds, as the case may be) isn't that much. But the thing I wonder is: Am I more afraid of succeeding than failing? Because let's face it, I know how to be overweight. I know how to be pleasantly plump, a little chubby, a two-sandwich girl, I even know how to be obese. And I know how handy an excuse it can be.

They would have cast me if I was 20 pounds lighter.

I'd be more successful if I wore a size 8.

I'd be braver if I was thinner.

But what if that isn't true? What if I do reach goal, and nothing changes? Still not booking auditions, still not brave enough to put my own stuff out there, still spending a season being ignored?

What if it isn't my weight? What if they just don't want me?
And that, my friends, is a little scary. Because what if I let my best excuse go, and I have to face up to not being good enough (or castable, or successful, or what have you) for no good reason?

And yes, "good enough" is a bad way of putting it. I don't base my value, my self-worth on my career. Or not that much, anyway. But I think some of you will know what I mean.

Because as much as my weight probably hinders me, it protects me, too.
So am I willing to give up my big defense?
I hope so.

In other news, I realized that once I go to Jamaica, I'll be restricted from giving blood for a while. So I figured that I should just get it out of the way before I go. So I'm going to donate blood for the first time tomorrow! Fear of needles be damned, they can have my sweet, sweet b-negative blood!

That's a lot of exclamation points.
!!!