Wednesday, December 27, 2006

planes trains and... suckitude

well, i'm writing this from the exotic days in calgary south, after a day of suckitude. after several hours' pleasant drive to toronto (hey, gotta love saving $200 in airfare), i got stuck in the MIDDLE seat all the way to calgary. when we landed, i went to make my connecting flight... and saw the dreaded word CANCELLED on the board. naturally, air canada had neglected to mention this, or to have anyone waiting at the gate to deal with passengers. as a matter of fact, they seemed generally unconcerned. which, as i discovered, was to be the theme for the rest of the evening. when i finally located a staff member to ask about my mild concerns regarding this situation, they told me "just go to the gate where you would have caught your connection. i'm sure they'll deal with it there."
so, to make a long story short, air canada remained unconcerned, told me that all flights out of calgary were cancelled due to weather, and since it was an act of god, they had no responsibility in helping me pay for accomodations. naturally. they did give me a number to a service that would "book me an available room at a discount".
and they instructed me to go get my luggage from the piles of luggage amassing in the arrivals terminal. calling the number they gave me, i was informed that there were currently no hotels in calgary, and i would have to call back later. visions of spending the night sleeping in the luggage carousel danced through my brain. i bummed a cigarette from a complete stranger. then, i took a deep breath and called them back. they told me i had a room at the DAYS INN CALGARY SOUTH, but also told me "we can't really tell you where it is."
fortunately, my cab driver told me it was a mere 30 minutes away from the airport, and $40 later, here i am, in my $90 room. adding in the $40 back to the airport tomorrow morning (because the calgary airport shuttle went bankrupt, don't you know), i can really see the value in the money i saved travelling to and from toronto.
but it continues! i got here, and they had never heard of me, or of any of the other travellers slogging their way in from the airport. when i finally got it sorted out, i found myself staying in the biggest scarea in calgary. it seems to be in the auto body shop/adult boutique district. there was a dirty sock outside my room and the hallway reeks of drakkar noir. and to top it all off, my phone doesn't work. this makes the wake up call issue a little dicey. currently i'm waiting for a gentleman by the name of "wayne" who is supposedly going to come up here and confirm that my phone is indeed not working.
in the meantime, i'm keeping the door triple locked. there are strange sounds in the hallway, and there was a kerfuffle at the front desk regarding a guest who had just called 911.
hopefully, i'll see edmonton tomorrow morning.
i hope.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

joyeux petit noel!

well, petit noel 2006 has finally arrived. and santa was very, very good to us...

but guess what gift could make me make this face?

you know it! my brand new IPOD!

we also added a couple of members to the crisis on infinite earths family:

robot brainiac and anti-monitor, to be exact.

plus one of the most exciting gifts of the holidays:
the pasta express! how awesome is this? we're going to test it out later on some kraft dinner.

well, i have many more photos, but i am off to make christmas cookies for tonight's party, so perhaps i will update later. but i will be busy doing laundry and updating my ipod for the next couple of days. then, return to the east!

Saturday, December 16, 2006

petit noel preview 2006

in spite of the crushing failure of hufurky, i've decided to continue on as best i can with the holiday traditions. and this weekend, the last weekend before i head back east, is LE PETIT NOEL DEUX. in fact, today is le petit noel eve. or the veille de petit noel, if you want to get particular. and i think it's shaping up to be awesome.
as i mentioned, we took a trip to the dollar store to get some decorations to spruce up the place.

that, combined with my grade 3 level crafting ability, has managed to make things pretty spiffy:

and the piece de resistance is we've added a tree to the traditional decor:

trust me, if you squint, it's even more beautiful. and the "ornaments" are real tin foil!

so now all that's left is to kick back, relax in front of Log, and wait for santa's visit...

goodwill is gone, but dollarama lives on!

and needless to say, it rocks the proverbial casbah.
yes, i was saddened when the goodwill closed. it was a good source of strange microwave recipe books, and t-shirts that say "i love sheep" on the front, and "sheep love me" on the back. but i was incredibly excited to see a dollarama moving into the vacant store.
because it's not one of those dollar stores where some things are a dollar, some things are $1.50, and so on.
everything in the store is one dollar. the only drawback is that they never take debit, so you have to curb your spending to cash on hand. anyway, we went to get some decorations for le petit noel (more on this later), and decided to get The Smudge an early present:

the cat toy glove! could there be a smarter invention? from each finger dangles a tantalizing cat toy!

at first it seemed like he loved it. but within seconds, the mice were tangled, and there was an early casualty:

since then, i've found him dragging the entire tangled mess into the bathroom, and chewing on the broken string.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

who will join me for dinner?

i had a thought today...

what if i took the great taste of HUFU:

(that's a human-flavoured soy product, kids)

and made it into TOFURKY?

(see for recipes)

what would that become?
you know it, it's all-new HUFURKY!

and just in time for the holidays!
who will bring the cranberry sauce?

Thursday, December 07, 2006

up all night studying for my cholesterol test...

that was last night. man, i felt like i was totally unprepared for my cholesterol and glucose tests this morning. i mean, it's not like i didn't know i was going to be tested, i guess i just put off studying until the last minute. when i got there, i was afraid i'd be the first one finished and have to pretend to be writing for a while so it wouldn't be obvious to everyone that i'd blown it. or even worse, being the last one writing up until time was up. and looking woefully unprepared. but when i took the test, it was a lot easier than i thought it would be. i guess i must have absorbed something subliminally, i just can't explain it. i hope i passed, and i swear that next semester i'm going to buckle down and do better. so when the cholesterol/glucose final comes up, i'll be first in the class.
if only my prof wasn't such a bitch.

in more serious news, i got home and my doctor had called me-- well, not my doctor so much as my doctor's half-witted assistant. and she left a message saying "the doctor wants to see you to discuss your x-rays. but it's not urgent." WTF? when i called back, i got the assistant who holds the other half of the shared brain, and i didn't bother pursuing any further info, since she was right up front with the statement "i really don't know anything about it". so i had hip and spine x-rays last week, and now we're going to have a non-urgent discussion about them. i suppose i can assume that it's not a contagious thing, or a fractured thing. which i kind of already knew. perhaps she's found a vestigial tail. or perhaps one of my vertebrae looks like the virgin Mary. maybe she just misses me.
maybe she's throwing me a surprise party to congratulate me on passing my glucose and cholesterol tests!

Thursday, November 30, 2006

things i have noticed

i think the second most annoying song in the christmas repertoire (and by repertoire, i mean the stuff that easy listening radio plays in december) is that "marshmallow world" song. i don't even know what it's called. but i heard the holly cole version in the second cup after i went to the gym, and i wanted to jam stir sticks into my ears.
the most annoying song is "little toy train". again i have no idea who sings it, and i'm sure there are many incarnations of it. but it's freaking creepy. there's a version that they used to play on the station i listened to at work, and it sounded like it was covered by some creepy paper-skinned man who hides in closets and watches children. i suppose that would be PIN. if Pin covered this song, then that's just wrong.
i've also been thinking about pitching an MTV reality show that would basically just be me filming the people who work at my gym. it seems to be kind of like Laguna Beach or Real World behind the reception desk. always some kind of cool kid drama going on, that disappears to the back office just when it gets interesting. also, i never see any of the staff working out, but i do see them sucking back super mega lattes with syrup. or something of the like.
i've noticed that i really haven't had a lot of luck with the scene that's supposed to follow my pitch for this weekend. i have noticed that the time between now and the deadline of midnight tomorrow night isn't getting any shorter. i've noticed that i need to get off my ass and get this thing done. can't discuss any further, as one of the judges reads these ramblings.
but mostly i've noticed how awesome the DDR going on behind me in the living room is, and how i should really get some work done so i can join in the fun.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

blog of triumph, blog of... er, triumph?

who can believe i did this? with an astounding 50,459 words of boring, grotesque, clumsy writing!
today, i rock.

in other news, it is bone-marrow freezingly cold out. and i had to go to the doctor this morning for my annual physical. the problem with my doctor is that she's always running extra late. like, you'll be escorted into the exam room and instructed by her hobbit-like assistant (i mean she seems likely to have hairy feet, not that she's neccessarily all that short) to get undressed and put on one of those weird paper gowns. and then you'll sit there in said weird paper gown for about thrity-five minutes, freezing your ass off. and eventually the doctor will make it in just as you're about to chuck it and get at least partially dressed so you can dash out and pee.
plus i guess i have to start worrying about cholesterol and bone density. god, i feel ancient. or i did, until i had to go and get some x-rays done. and everyone in the waiting room was about 142 years old. and the lady who did the x-rays was about 120. needless to say, i'm going to run out and get the calcium-added orange juice as soon as it's a little warmer out.

Monday, November 27, 2006

blog of anger, blog of shame part II

ok, i'm still pretty steamed and dismayed. watch out for whining ahead, folks. but can i just observe how astoundingly unfair life can be? how astoundingly aggravating it is that i feel so inadequate, and how no one cares about my inadequacy? and how somehow that makes me feel more inadequate?
so i'm thinking of going to winnipeg instead. and, failing that, saskatoon. i think the closing dates for those are pretty much separated enough that i can find out about one before having to submit for the other.
but, the inevitable doubt creeps in. i'll have to take a different show, and have no idea what that would be. it seems like i might be doing it largely by myself, which is scary. and no one here will care. which is astoundingly aggravating.
isn't it odd the thing that drives me crazy in others (the short-sightedness of yearning for local fame while ignoring the bigger picture) is so prevalent in me? still wanting to be in the cool crowd?
oooooh i just feel so INADEQUATE.

blog of anger, blog of shame

ok, so i just returned from the frozen outside after spending a delightful 90 minutes at the fringe lottery. suffice it to say that i was drawn at number 42 ON THE WAITING LIST. so, barring some horrible bus accident or multiple lightening strike, i'm not going to be doing the fringe. again.
and it pisses me off. as 2 years of not doing anything for the fringe has shown me, my phone isn't exactly going to be ringing off the hook with offers. i'm guaranteed not to work unless i cast myself.
well, that may be a little melodramatic.
but i am feeling self-pitying and have caught a cold from my many travel adventures today. so i'm entitled. also, i missed the doctor phil heroin house because i was at the lottery.
i could always do a byov, i suppose. but those seem like a lot of trouble for very little payoff.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

how cold is it?

it's easily -4000000 degrees outside at the moment. that, or approaching 0 Kelvin (hahaha wink wink nudge nudge to all you science nerds out there). currently i can't see out my window due to what i can only assume is (a)yet another snowstorm, or (b)radioactive death fog that will mutate all who breathe it in. one of those.
so, i am at 45000 words now, feeling pretty damn comfortable with that. and tonight heading out to see part deux of the lamest theatre community controversy ever. i had to correspond with the big B last night, and i innocently asked if i would see him there. who knows who will show up? maybe no one will show up. maybe everyone will show up to sneer. in any case, some kind of shit better go down. or else i should get picked to move on to the next round. because it's waaaaaaaay too cold to venture out without some kind of payoff, be it gossip or glory.
so i have a job interview tomorrow. which is somewhat laughable. do i want to work at the mall? as in, be an administrator who works at the mall? the engineering secretary or whatever it is? one of those behind-the-scenes people who bring the mall to you? one of those things i applied for on the spur of the moment, yet do not want. yet, my eagerness to impress perfect strangers makes it difficult for me to throw an interview.
also, i joined a book club. eep. will this be a fiasco a la columbia house tape club? (curse you, soup dragons cassette i did not order!) i couldn't resist. it was free cookbooks. and then they send you a catalogue of more cookbook. and then you just have to avoid having them send you their monthly selection. so easy! so yummy! i have baking books coming!
mmmm french toast is almost ready.
ETA: i almost forgot the thing that is bugging me the most. my mouse has now officially crapped out. well, perhaps unofficially, because it still does a half-assed job if you repeatedly slam it down on the pad and yell at it. but you have to watch the swearing, because that seems to cause the bottom to fall out, and the little ball inside to roll away. i can't say i ever realized that a mouse is supposed to come apart like that. nor did i realize that some will spend upwards of $150 on a new mouse. not me. i'm looking in the $14-25 range. nothing but the best for my computer.

Friday, November 24, 2006

so this is my writing warmup

strange how the closer i get to my goal, the less motivated i feel... oh, i'm sure an analyst would have a field day with that one. anyway, this is my writing warmup as i attempt to close the gap between me and 42K words tonight. I'm already at 41K, so i'm not anticipating too many problems. plus i've applied to the fringe, sent in my pitch to wwt, and have a lame job interview on monday. i've paid my bills, i got my roots touched up. i treated myself to a massage. i bought some new jeans. i feel so... productive. i've even been to the gym this week. so things are really on track. except that it's minus 1 billion degrees here, things are going swimmingly.
there's no way that my "novel" will be actually finished when i hit 50,000 words. it's one of those things that is randomly smashed together and has no real end. so i suppose it will be finished when i type "the end".
now all i have to do is some christmas shopping. (speaking of ambivalence...)
okay, off to hit 42K. sorry the blog just isn't very interesting as of late. i promise more excitement when the new year begins.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

i'm feeling like a bit of a lazy bum...

not that i'm sitting around watching tv all day. although i do like my stories, can't forget to watch days of our lives every day. or every other day. or even every six months, trust me, you'll still be able to follow the story. (if there are any old-school days people reading, you should tune in... as many of the original actors are back once more, they've been running flashback scenes from the early 80's, which is truly hilarious. also, perhaps you can explain why steve remembered that deaf kid he took care of, but fails to remember kayla. does anyone remember that deaf kid? the kid that forced the actors to learn sign language, and so after that, many, many characters on days were temporarily deaf? oh, i could go on.)
anyway, today i am at 27K words on my novel, hoping to get to 30 by tomorrow. and i'm probably going to start on a pair of (hopefully) kick-ass yoga pants made out of a t-shirt i bought at the value village 50% off sale. (madness, do not go, as you will be shoved by many angry ladies who bear a passing resemblance to the michelin man).
i do feel lazy, however, as i have not gone to the gym in some time. the past couple of days i can pass it off on my stupid knee, which currently resembles a large red bocce ball in the middle of my leg. but, it's not like i'm bedridden. well, perhaps mentally.
but today is DAY FOUR of nonsmoking. i have to say that i am not constantly thinking about how much i would love to have a ciggie anymore. although, i do find myself reaching for them without thinking about it. if memory serves me correctly, this is about when the guilty smoking dreams should start.
that is about all that's new. doing lots of things, but accomplishing relatively little.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

who's down with OPP?

and by OPP, of course i mean the Oriental Party Pack of frozen hors d'oeuvres, available at your local Safeway. not only is the OPP a cornucopia of asian Oriental delicacies, the ease of preparation will surely leave you in a lip-smacking, salt-induced grease coma for days to come. and when you wake up, you'll be sure to have a friend in gut rot.
of course, this is all a part of my grand tradition of making a meal out of canapes, going all the way back to the bacon-wrapped cheese sausages that will surely make my arteries the talk of the cardiology unit.
as you can see, i haven't updated in a while. i suppose i've stopped procrastinating and have been hard at work on what some would loosely define as a novel for Nano. and today i am proud to announce that i'm up to the 20,000+ mark! astounding!
the other news of the day is that we just purchased Spongebob Monopoly, as there were no Simpsons games available at crappy Bonnie Doon any of the fine stores we visited. we think this will stave off nicotine-deprived violence while we attempt to quit smoking forever... this particular project begins tomorrow. negotiations are still underway to determine whether or not the "last" cigarette is to be consumed at midnight tonight or first thing tomorrow.
we had started to play a game tonight, but it's just been ruined by a giant cat invading the town and destroying my slowly growing empire.
oh, the humanity.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

don't you hate it when...

you go to a halloween party where you don't really know anyone, and even if you did know people they're all wearing fantastical masks and makeup, and it's really hard to recognize people? and then you hang out with some people you do know in a back room, and you get mildly high from all the pot smoke? and then you make your way through the drunk people carrying pumpkins and yelling about scotch, and get home safely only to find that when you wake up you have a horribly misshapen eye, possibly due to some random skin allergy and the cheap drugstore false eyelashes you were wearing? and then you start your nanowrimo novel and you get about 1800 words into it, before realizing that writing fiction is HARD and you seem to have adapted to writing only dialogue and you've forgotten how to DESCRIBE?
don't you hate that?
also, when you haven't figured out the direction your blog should go in, so you continue its ongoing theme about whining about your life?
don't you hate that?
i do, however have to say... 1800 words! in only 1.5 hours?! WTF?
it's a little easier when you realize that you're the only one who never has to read it.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

just find your genre

so i've been thinking... perhaps my blog is in need of a theme. you know, like those foodie types who cook through some book and post pictures. or knitters who post about their projects. i think due to my lack of attention span, the theme would have to change every month. but perhaps i could devote a month to eating something with lemons in it every day. or maybe finding weird shit on ebay every day. or trying to read war and peace and posting my thoughts about it. EVERY DAY!
well, i am half serious. i think it would be a fun project. i mean, somebody must read this stuff? anyone?

in other news, i had yet another dream that my teeth were screwed into my jaw, and i kept accidentally popping them out. of course, at the time i thought "that's weird", and continued about my business, not realizing that i was loosing several teeth every minute. there was even one tooth that came out that was the size of my fist. i examined it, then realized it was a plastic tooth-shaped case of enormous proportions, in which was contained my plain old normal-sized molar. with a screw in the bottom.
by the time i realized "holy shit, i have 3 teeth left in my head" i was already involved in some intrigue with a fugitive from a tour bus, and having to reunite him with his lover. also, calling my dentist every few minutes.

perhaps i should focus my blog on my continuing concerns with my dental health.

but that would just be gross.

Friday, October 27, 2006

an open letter to gowan

dear gowan (or should i call you larry?),
i can't help but notice that it has been over a week since i asked you to be one of my myspace friends. this is a select honour, as i am virtually friendless in all aspects of my life. sure, i could have searched out glass tiger, or chilliwack, or frozen ghost, or any of the other greats of canadian music, but i chose you. perhaps it was your great hits like "cosmetic", or "strange animal" that drew me. if you'd bothered to view my profile, you would notice that i have chosen to share your masterpiece "criminal mind" with those who visit my page.
well gowan, i've just about had it. i'm tired of being greeted by the message that i am *still* waiting for your approval. i've got half a mind to cancel my request and search out gino vanelli instead. perhaps, like black cars, my profile would "look better in the shade". and then you'd be s.o.l, gowan.
still, i can't help but wonder if tomorrow your approval will shine down on me like so much sunshine after a long, gloomy rainstorm. only then will my friends list be truly complete.
so won't you please take a moment to approve my request? i think you'll find that i'm a kind, considerate, loyal friend. need to talk about the problems recording your latest single? i'm there. depressed about your thinning hair? let's go for coffee. need to know that i won't desert you for the friendship of alfie zappacosta? just check out your friends list. i'll be there for good.
hopefully this has cleared a few things up. i look forward to a long, long, internet friendship.
yours truly,

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

life in the big city

so here in stabby, stabby e-town, crime is a fact of life.
i was walking through the mall downtown, coming down the escalator outside of winners when i saw 2 guys steal a bunch of stuff. it was pretty well planned, for a shoplifting. one of them left the store with a group of people, his merch setting off the alarm. then, in the confusion of old ladies standing around looking through their bags to see what still had tags on it, the other guy took a flying leap through the exit. the two guys took off through the mall, dropping their bounty and stopping to pick it up, then body checking some poor guy into a door in their haste to get out.
oddly, there was no one in hot pursuit. everyone in winners (staff) just stood around looking confused. perhaps this happens all the time.
later, when i was on the bus going home, i saw two guys standing outside the entrance to the mall, the very same that the shoplifters had run out of. they were wearing the same kind of jackets (all that stuff you hear about eyewitnesses being fairly unreliable is totally true, all i saw were puffy jackets and that they were guys). i wondered if this might be the same young jd's. one of them seemed pretty proud of an unopened package of blistex (do they even sell that at winners? perhaps they were on a mall crime spree), and the other one was chowing down on a full pack of twizzlers. maybe it wasn't those two guys. maybe the shoplifters were long gone, and these guys just had chapped lips, a sugar craving, and happened to be somewhat shady looking.
if i were going to shoplift, it probably wouldn't be from winners. although, seeing their low, low security response, perhaps i would re-evaluate. but why shoplift when i can take advantage of their low, low prices? and more stock arriving every day!
plus, i can't think of too much in winners that i would want to steal. ill-fitting, off-size "designer" brands? strange foamy shoes? last year's day timers?
now, if we were in home outfitters, i would be sure to wear something with extra pockets. or something roomy, so i could fake a mixmaster pregnancy.

Monday, October 23, 2006

group discourse and the denigration of art

interesting what happens when you get a bunch of artists in one room.something in their instincts kick in. i don't know if it's the inherent insecurity of those in the arts, something that makes us want to appear better or less scared than we are to others in our field. i don't know what it is. but as soon as you have a lot of artists together, this real bitterness seems to form and hang in the air.
i try not to be bitter. i make a conscious effort. i believe that specific brand of bitterness comes from a sense of entitlement, like "i deserve to be produced" or "dammit, why won't anyone publish me?" or "person X has 8 productions and numerous awards, why the fuck are they so hard done by?"
that's the crux of it to me. everyone has this sense of entitlement, like they should be recognized just by virtue of putting stuff out there. i wish everyone's work could be recognized, i really do. but it's not like someone's holding a gun to my head, or holding my cat hostage and forcing me to pursue an artistic career. i can walk away any time i want. i can get a real job and have a real savings account, and try to forget that i ever wanted to do this. sometimes i wonder if it would make me happier.
i doubt it would. i stay in this because i want to. i want to do something, and that has nothing to do with being published, or getting awards, or even getting scads of money for my work. money is great, though. i really love money, don't get me wrong. but i don't think i have any right to get angry about others not recognizing what i am choosing to do. i mean, i'm not curing cancer here. i write. i act. i do some other stuff.
i'm sure everyone else gets just as scared as i do. like "what if this really sucks?" or "what if this person really is better than me?" everyone else has just as much insecurity. but i don't want to dwell on it, let it consume me. i want to use that to work harder, to try something different. to be brave enough to believe in what i'm doing, no matter what anyone else thinks.
is that lame? probably.
but it's true, too.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

discover your jack-o-lantern face @ quiz me

the end of an era

so today, realizing that i have no money (due to mailbox STILL being broken), and recognizing a shopping trip we took to futureshop yesterday, we decided to do a little budget grocery shopping. now our cupboards are stocked with the deliciousness of kraft dinner and cup-a-soup. but when we left, i decided i wanted some rice noodle rolls. so we stopped in at the chinese superstore.
and discovered it is CLOSING! my source of cheap tofu, cheap and mysterious candy, bizarre noodle products is GONE! today they had their closing out sale, but all that was left were some humorous etchings of "Pete Pickerel" and "Pearl the Oyster". i was hoping to at least score some bargain-basement-priced pocky, but that too was gone.
as far as the mailbox goes, i don't know what to do. it was broken into September 9, and is still not fixed. Canada Post is sometimes leaving letters in the clearly destroyed mailbox, sometimes giving our mail to the building manager, sometimes returning it to sender, sometimes holding it at the post office for pickup. however, no amount of stern phone calls can make them admit they are doing anything but delivering our mail safely. and i can't even say i'm taking my business elsewhere, since there is but one postal service.
apparently our mailboxes are manufactured in exotic quebec, where they are on back order. also, there is some kind of delay with the people who install mail boxes in apartment buildings.
the upshot of all this is that i have yet to receive my last paycheque from work.
hence the need for rice rolls, kraft dinner, and cup-a-soup.
in the good news department, i have not yet begun to turn blue. i am, however eagerly awaiting the side effect of hair and eye colour changes.

Friday, October 20, 2006

i have a golden ticket...

so this morning i went to a doctor, who gave me a prescription. and when i went to fill out the prescription, i expected to have the normal pharmacist-explains-the-side-effects conversation. instead the pharmacist said:
"one of the side effects is... it might make you turn blue."
i'm not sure what my facial expression was, but the pharmacist then clarified:
"well, blue-ish."
now, since my halloween costume is blue, i thought this could save me some coin in the makeup department. but when i questioned further:
"turning a little blue is normal. but more than a little blue, call your doctor."

needless to say, the first thing that popped into my mind was a willy wonkaesque scenario in which i would turn a horrible colour to pay for my misdeeds.
i'm kind of excited to see what will happen. will i instantaneously turn completely blue? will i notice a gradual shading of blue that deepens as the days go by?

How will i know the difference between being too blue and just blue enough?

Thursday, October 19, 2006

like fish in a barrel

doing a little extracurricular writing today, working on the "plot" of my "novel" for NaNoWriMo. not ashamed to say i'm working on a collection of zombie-themed short stories. because you know what's easy to come up with? zombie-related plots. what's so non-threatening about this? i don't know. maybe my genre is zombies. maybe it's just completely non-threatening because it doesn't have to be good. do i think i could write 50000 words about zombies and humans affected by them? damn straight.
of course, we'll see how confident i am once november 1 hits.
so far i have 28 zombie story plots.
each one more awesome than the next.

at this rate...

i will accomplish something before 2007!
having completed another page of my play (one a day being better than none a day), i was watching a little telly. there was a fellow on there who had a phobia about the gym, because everyone who goes to the gym looks amazing and is incredibly intimidating. (obviously, he hasn't seen my gym. people there look scary-intimidating, not neccessarily amazing-intimidating). so he decided to take up bikram yoga instead.
now i will say, if you're concerned about being around amazing-looking people, yoga class may NOT be for you. i can drag my fat ass to the gym and tune out all the good looking people, but yoga class? everyone i've ever seen in yoga classes looks incredible. even the 80-year olds look like they could kick my ass repeatedly.
plus, i get grossed out by bikram. all the sweat flying everywhere. my sweat, the sweat of an 80-year old ass-kicking man, all the other sweat just trickling off of everyone. potentially evaporating in the heat and being breathed in by me. my lungs becoming a cabana party for the sweat of those around me.
ick ick ick.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

medical training is not required to diagnose hiccups

that is a quote from, a favourite site of mine as a pessimist and hypochondriac. i learned this piece of information when i looked up "hiccups" after having had them on and off for... oh, about 4 hours now.
and these aren't your average "oops i ate peanut butter too fast, better hold my breath" hiccups. these are LOUD. and painful. and, convinced that i was about to end up as a case study on "untold stories of the er" or something, i decided to look them up.
apparently, hiccups are really not anything serious. unless, of course, as i learned from, you have them for 60 years. which is possible, but far more likely in men.
good to know.
so far i have tried: being upside down, eating sugar, holding my breath, drinking water, being scared. the hiccups continue to come and go according to some mysterious cosmic schedule.
any suggestions, quotes from The Doctor's Book of Home Remedies would be greatly appreciated.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

i don't want to cause a stampede...

but guess who just wrote the FIRST PAGE OF A NEW PLAY? the first page of a play with a plot, characters, a beginning, middle and end?
this guy.
naturally, i was so overwhelmed with my success that i had to come on over here and brag about it.
this morning when i went to get my coffee, i was standing in line in front of two honest-to-god edmonchuk theatre celebrities. i was wearing my lovely cat toque, and, coincidentally, carrying a grocery bag full of cat food.
i'm not going to build this up. i said nothing. partially because i couldn't think of anything to say after "hey, how's it going?". the anticipation of the awkward pause to follow was too much to bear in my mind. also because i don't really know them at all.
also because it did look suspiciously like i was going to go home and eat a big honking bowl of kibble.

Monday, October 16, 2006

let it snow...

yes, it's snowing here.
after staying awake until about 3:30 getting some work done, i staggered to the alarm clock and turned it off. then went back to sleep until 11.
so i didn't make it to the gym today. oops.
must work on being able to commit to 2 things at once.

learning something new every day

so here i am, up in the middle of the night, trying to determine if time of day has something to do with when i'm at my best with creating. naturally, the temptation to use the internet (damn you, myspace!) overcame me almost immediately. and just randomly looking up subjects... for example... "writer's block" (totally at random, mind you), i stumbled upon a startling theory.
many people believe that writer's block does not in fact exist. all it is is the name we give to the inability to commit and make a decision.
naturally, this did not in any way seem familiar to me. lack of confidence? fear of not producing something perfect?
how could these possibly apply to my life?
yes, it's true. doing writing exercises has been feeling good and all, but i can't get PRODUCT out of my mind. reaching the finish line. moving on to something else.
so, it stands to reason, that i have a hard time getting started.
the fabulous Dr. Matt and i were once having a discussion about random numbers, specifically, the lottery. i argued that numbers i especially chose (my cat's birthday, my anniversary, etc.) would have LESS chance of being chosen, since these numbers had a specific significance to me, and what would the odds of that be? naturally, this influenced my strategy to always go with QuickPick. but, Dr. Matt eloquently argued, the numbers that the computer generated for me would immediately take on a special significance to me, as they were my lottery numbers. (am i getting this right?). hence, either sequence has an equal chance of being drawn.
this is how i feel about ideas... i'm trying to let something i don't care about sneak up on me, so i can get something out of the way and accomplish it. but, as soon as i have an idea, it immediately has a special significance to me. i care. perhaps because it could be my NEXT GREAT IDEA. perhaps it's because i feel like a slacker next to YOUNGER, MORE ACCOMPLISHED ARTISTS. perhaps i'm afraid of failure. or success. or all of the above.
bleah. sorry about the supah-emo whiny brain dump. but isn't that what the internet is for?

Friday, October 13, 2006

can i get a witness...

to how much microsoft picture it! sucks?
just doing a little reorganizing of stuff on the computer, decided to finally upload my pictures from vegas... such as they are. here are a couple of them:

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as you can see, vegas is a very dangerous place.

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but one full of exciting opportunities!

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and terrible frustrations...

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and just a lot of stuff that doesn't really go together.

Monday, October 09, 2006

it's better than bad, it's good!

well, the tv channel i adore is back... that's right, LOG is back on tv for a very special thanksgiving edition.
for those of you not familiar with LOG, it's basically a fireplace on your tv. usually scored with the elevator-grooving sounds of symphonic christmas music, it plays here during the holiday season, relaxing the viewer with its crackling warmth.
the thanksgiving edition of LOG is a little sadder.
basically it's a cheery fireplace, with a blazing fire going. however, on the hearth is placed a juicy turkey with all the trimmings. just sitting there in front of the fire. sitting there, alone. no hands reaching in to carve the bird, or, god forbid, offer you a plate. which i assume you are in desperate need of, if you're watching a turkey sit in front of a fireplace on thanksgiving day.
since there are no thanksgiving songs to speak of, it's just a tuneless meld of orchestral music, mocking you with a turkey you can never taste.

i, on the other hand, never want to eat turkey again, having enjoyed not one, but two full-on turkey dinners yesterday.
and there are still plentiful leftovers in the fridge.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

well, it's here.

yes, all that time i spent mentioning "i'm going to take a couple of months off to write" has finally come back to bite me in the ass. it's here. my time. to write. i said i was going to take a couple of days to relish the luxuries that come with unemployment, and it's been a week. i find myself googling things like "perfectionism" and "fear of writing". faithfully going to some "research" websites i have bookmarked. reading them. and... nothing.
it's not like i don't have ideas. i have lots of ideas. lots of projects planned. some with deadlines. deadlines in the far-flung future, but real deadlines, nonetheless.
i was thinking to myself last night, as i was trying to sleep, "why can't i just commit to this? do i really want to commit to this (and by this i mean an artistic career)? the answer is yes. so i just have to commit myself to doing this or go find something else to do.
i watched "the weatherman" last night, and there was this monologue about how you imagine what you're going to be like when you grow up, all these accomplishments, all these qualities you think you're going to have. and gradually, these things, these possibilities get narrowed down. all these potential lives you have imagined for yourself get narrowed down to what you are.
i spend far too much time thinking about past possibliities that won't be realized. and far too much time thinking about the future without doing anything about it now. in short, i would be a bad buddhist.
yesterday i found myself looking for another stupid secretarial job, more out of boredom than anything else. and i had to make a conscious decision to stop myself. to try this. to try now, instead of buying time for myself while decomposing behind some random desk.
it should start with a word. this will all start with a few words. and it won't matter if i suck, because no one will ever have to read it.
i will keep telling myself that. and i will stay away, far away from my resume.

Monday, October 02, 2006

too soon...

today i saw a christmas tree in the window of army & navy. as if that wasn't bad enough, i saw both egg nog and soy "noel nog" on the grocery store.
i haven't even figured out my halloween costume yet! so far it's down to three choices... little dead riding hood, a my little pony, or an "i don't care bear". i'm leaning towards the latter two, as they will essentially have the same base. meaning one of those godawful velour track suits in a pastel colour. i think i'm innately drawn to the mlp costume, just because of its inherent glamour. i want big shiny drag queen eyelashes and stick on rhinestones! i may, however, opt for the funnier one.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

hey guess what

for some reason, i have extended my contract at work. perhaps it's the lure of greed and money, perhaps it's some dormant math gene rumbling into being. more likely the money though.
but of course, this time next week i will be in beautiful downtown las vegas!!!
not to mention an extended stay at the denver airport. both ways. hopefully it's a good airport with things to do. i'm not hopeful, though.
yes, work is being good to me. despite the fact that Mysterious Medical Ailment has caused me to take numerous days off in the last couple of weeks. despite the fact that i told them i was going to vegas. in fact, i get all this time off paid. sick days! vacation!
why didn't someone tell me working for the government was so damn sweet?
in any case, after my job is done, whenever that is, i have my plans. my screenplay. my project for NaNoWriMo. the show that i somehow sweet talked my way into us doing next spring.
must clear some space on my digital camera for the many, many ironic photos i plan to take.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

the big sleep

well, my resolution to keep up with the blog certainly has gone to hell in a handcart.
today, while recovering from Mystery Medical Ailment #458 (see also: ugly giant itchy welts), i took the opportunity to take a couple of benadryls (see also: another drug i'll never get addicted to) and relax while watching my stories. needless to say, mere moments later, i opened my eyes to find it was approaching 7pm. yes, 4 hours of my day off, wasted. consequently, it's 2:23 am and i can't sleep.
in any case, i had the most disturbing dream while i was sleeping. i know it's a common dream, and i've had it before. i dreamt that i was going to start working with a new boss, and that i was going to be late for work. but i kept putting off calling in and mentioning that i was going to be late. while eating something, i felt a familiar SP=ROINGGGGG! (see also: how i lost a tooth on a tootsie roll one fateful halloween) and realized that i had popped out/broken off all my teeth. needless to say, it was distressing. i looked in a mirror and saw that my front teeth were about 1/4 inch long and jagged, some teeth were missing entirely, with a couple of lonley chompers left here and there. so i start screaming to the effect of "oh my god, all my teeth!", and everyone around me just shrugs it off. and then i realize at that point that it's about 4pm and i'm never going to make it to work. plus i am horribly disfigured. but the most disturbing part of the dream, was that in the dream, i was aware that i was wearing someone else's teeth. like i'd borrowed aunt edna's dentures or something and was wearing them around and suddenly destroyed them. i remember desperately searching for my teeth on the ground, and coming up with only fingernail-clipping-like shards. and thinking "oh no! i've ruined her teeth!"
when i finally woke up, i was hesitant to check and see if my teeth were still there. fortunately, they are.
for now.
i guess the moral of the story is: never lend me your teeth.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

deja poo

oh my i have seen this shit before...
yes, i officially am going crazy at my job. it's not so much the job itself as the fact that every other day they completely change every single procedure. and that we're doing shiftwork. and that even though my days off are staggered, i'm apparently supposed to have all my work that comes in on my day off done within 20 minutes of arriving for my next shift.
argh. august 31 cannot come soon enough for me.
at least i have tomorrow (today) off.
my birthday has officially come and gone. so now it's time to make some birthday year resolutions...
1) going back to the gym. starting tomorrow.
2) start having more fun
3) write each and every day
4) start doing some more creative shit. music, decoupage, whatever.

so pretty much the same as usual.
also, the cat's fountain is broken. now he refuses to drink from the affectionately named "big boy cup" because he has a strong disdain for any water that is not 1)running and 2) chilled. i should have it so good. so i have to hunt down an adaptor, or buy the cat a new fountain. perhaps that can be on my list of things to do for tomorrow...

hmmm perhaps resolution number 5 should be to write a better blog. or at least a more regular blog.

i hereby resolve to try and find some interesting content for this thing.
does this count as writing?

Friday, May 26, 2006

i ask you

what could possibly improve spending your ENTIRE saturday doing data entry and payroll reconciliation? is there anything? well, last saturday as i was doing just that, having been called into work for overtime, it was made known to me that mine is the only computer in our section that can play CD's. the only one, in fact, with a cd drive. so my colleague in the next cubicle asked me if it would be ok if she put on some music. to which i thought "yes, that will make the time go by faster". and so she went down the hall to borrow some tunes from her friend.
now, i should have been suspicious at this point, since i clearly remember hearing bryan adam's greatest hits blaring from down the hall the previous weekend. so when d returned with a cd, i put pressed play with the best of intentions.
it was maroon 5.
now i'm as bad as anyone else, i used to bop along to "This Love" when it first came out, but have you ever listened to an entire album of that shit? his voice. his cheesy lyrics. lyrics that appeal to high-school girls, giving them a bizarre ideal of what a relationship is supposed to be like. this is where we get our fucked-up relationships, ladies. it's in the music.
so i did my best to endure it, hey, if there's anything better than doing math on a saturday, it clearly must be doing math while listening to this strung out hoot owl, right?
then d got up to get another cd. she said "hey, are you a jimmy fan?"
now, i ask you. if you were talking about music, who would you think was being referenced here? Jimmy Page? Jimmy Buffet? possibly. personally, i thought she was talking about Jimi Hendrix. of who i am not really a fan, but i was grasping at straws. so i said "sure". cautiously.
i pressed play.
it was fucking James Blunt.
now, to be honest, i actually thought that james blunt and the guy from maroon 5 were the EXACT SAME PERSON. they both have fucked up singing styles, they both write the most pretentious songs ever. they both have one radio hit from a most enshittening album.
but they're not. they are two different people. the main difference is that james blunt seems to make a lot of references to being high. in like every single song.
so d in the next cubicle (who was grooving along to my hell very happily) called out: "Hey did you know that James Blunt's girlfriend dumped him right before his album hit it big?"
"Really." I said. I mean, imagine leaving your whining emo pretentious druggie boyfriend. "What a tool."
Next week i'm bringing in the music.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

another hit show

well, now that Commander In Chief has gotten the axe, there's room in the primetime lineup for another show. and why not cash in on the inexplicably continuing reality show craze?
I feel that "Easy Listening Idol" would be a hit. not only would geriatric folks like myself get to play, but we could showcase all the terrific adult contemporary music that's out there. not to mention those smooth easy listening chart-toppers from the past.
but who would be the judges?
it could be that i watched American Idol last night and got thoroughly depressed that they were singing songs from the year they were born. and one girl sang a song from 1988.
WTF? people were BORN in 1988? I was in grade 8!
of course, apparently the year i was born has been declared as one of the worst years in music history. i guess 1974 wasn't a particularly stellar year. all i can think of from that year is "Don't Go Breaking My Heart", which doesn't bode well.

in other news, i have but 4 hours left of indentured servitude to my job. 4 hours tonight, 4 hours tomorrow. and then i am done.

have you got another bit with some hair...?

after much cursing and gnashing of teeth, we finally finished our first attempt at completing a puzzle together:

unfortunately, the only puzzle we have in the house is a gift i bought J. at the antique market:

yes, the official Penthouse erotic jigsaw puzzle. surprisingly, with all the pieces included, as we found out. now i'm not sure if this is meant to be a fun couple's activity, or a titillating way for one to while away the hours in solitary fashion. i just know that every piece is flesh coloured. and with the packaging cleverly censored, there is no guide for assembly.
it was epic. J used his sexth sense to piece together all the naughty bits, i could only manage borders and drapery.
i'm not sure we're a puzzle couple.
but now that it's done, what do we do with it? that's what i've never understood about puzzles. you slave over these things for hours, and then you find yourself saying "oh! it's hot air balloons!". except that you've been staring at the photo of hot air balloons on the puzzle box for the past 3 hours. so some of the big reveal is a bit spoiled in that respect.
J has suggested that we mount it (no pun intended), but i'm really not sure where we would put it.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

guess who's back

dr. matt reminded me that i haven't updated in a while. and there is much to update...
ok, maybe not. i finished my show, which went shockingly well. the best part was that i didn't have to go to work for a week and a half. it was the greatest reward. even greater than the money we made. of course, that made it all the more tragic to have to go back.
but, in a surprising turn of events, i was offered another job. a temp job, but a job where i make more money and only have to work 830-330. weekdays. no more weekends, no more late shifts, no more screaming customers. just sweet sweet data entry until 330 and i can turn on my brain again.
needless to say, i walked up to my manager and said:
"i need to talk to you."
Manager: ok
Me: I've been offered another job and I--
Me: ... uh... and I guess I'm going to be leaving in two weeks.
(awkward pause)
Mgr: Of course, we'll all miss you.
Me: Of course...

well, that was weird. i at least expected a halfhearted attempt to get me to stay. not that i would have. but keeping up the social pretext would have been nice.
and then, i found out that just about everyone else who has ever given their notice gets kicked out the door with 2 weeks pay. because, you see, once the feeling of really not caring washes over you completely, you tend to get a little lazy with your call times. or maybe not go the extra 4 miles for the customer every time.
but apparently, i have no effect on the organization whatsoever, negative or positive. not enough to even try to get me to stay, not bad enough that they want me off the phones. just content to let me run out the clock.
which is fine. it just pisses me off that i could have had a week off before i started my new job. that and my current schedule for my last week is:
Monday 1215-815 (this is trouble. monday AND the first of the month and late)
Tuesday 415-815
Wednesday 3-8
Thursday 415-815

That's right, my last shift is a shitty four hour late shift. i'm not even sure where to turn in my security pass when i leave for the night forever.

but there's no reason to be bitter. the end is in sight.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

i need to change my life

first of all, kudos to Dr. Matt, who has won himself one of these:

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but more importantly, i was watching tv today (Project Jay to be frightfully honest) and I realized that i was unbelievably jealous of anyone who got to not go to work in a call center, and was able to pursue their own creative endeavours and just generally be the boss of themselves.

and then i realized.

i need to quit my job.
i need to quit my job and be unemployed for a few months with the objective of writing Strike Too, of finishing and sending off the Dutch play, and of getting to work on various screenplays/tv scripts. also, i can finish losing the rest of the weight and get an agent and be terrifyingly successful.

i have the technology. and besides, i can get another job. right?

but then i worry: see, i have all this money saved up to pay my student loan, and i think "just go halvsies on it... then you can write for a few months." then i have visions of going to the drug store to stock up on shampoo, tp, skin cream, all my other little expenses, so i never have to buy stupid shit that i waste my money on. and going to costco and buying a flat of tuna. and a case of ramen.

because i will surely starve.

but mainly, i will never have to go to my stupid piece of shit job again and be talked down to by people who don't understand the concepts of basic mathematics.


so now i have to decide how much money i need. and pay off some bills. face the fact that i will be my own boss.

i may need to hold out until the end of june in order to save up cash. not so bad since i have my "vacation" in a couple of weeks to do the show.

oh this will be sweet...
if i actually do it, that is.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

burning a cd

which seems so outdated, since i really should just be compiling ipod playlists...
in any case, i really, really want to make a mix of the greatest epic rock songs. as in, considering "epic rock" a musical category. on the list so far...

"Heat of the Moment" - Asia
"Don't Stop Believing" - Journey
er, that "I'm sailing away..." song, is it Styx? I have no idea.
"Tribute" - Tenacious D

i think you get the picture.
also under consideration: "Paranoid Android", "Baba O'Reilly" and "I Believe in a thing Called Love"
so bring me your deliciously earnest, incredibly long, sublimely overdone rock tunes. i will make the greatest cd ever conceived.

any takers?

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

howie mandel would be pleased to know...

that someone at work has referred to him as

"did anyone watch deal or no deal? with that boston pizza guy? i'd never seen him before!"

poor howie mandel. hopefully he gets free pizza out of the deal.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

friday confidential

even though it's actually saturday.

why can't the internet help me?
i typed in "soul crushing job", and it just gives me witty little "tips" from other people's websites like "cultivate your hatred" and "fake an illness".
this isn't what i need right now.
i know, i need to quit my bitching and moaning.
but i just got slammed with my 3rd? 4th? week of 12-8's.
why not just quit?
well, i really just don't want to go buy any office clothes right now.
i want to pay down some of my student loan.
and, uh, i don't want to deal with possibly being not so unhappy with my life?
no wait, scratch that last one.
i really really want to stick this out until i know if i'm in the fringe or not. that's until may or june. that's all i want. i can finish draft 4 of the script and then just fuck off and type memos for the rest of my life.

how do i stop myself from caring at all? or make myself care more? i'm not sure which i need.

hilariously, i always envisioned that my blog would be witty and well written and just really awesome and literary.


Friday, February 17, 2006

another request trickles in

yes, another request for my play has come knocking on the door. apparently the Big B has been selling the plays from Calgary in a kind of package of sorts, and now a theatre in kitchener has requested a copy of the script. which is good, although i worry that as they are given to productions of shows the size of Oleanna, that this may be a bit on the large-ish side for them.

production meeting last night. i sure am a-fearful of my work schedule clashing with my rehearsal schedule.

day off from the gym today. honestly, when you lose 16 lbs, don't you think SOMEONE should notice and comment? is it possible that i am so covered in fat that i will have to lose 50 or 60 lbs before it makes a visible difference to the public at large?

interesting study of the food chain last night. we were finishing our meeting, a table of youngish actors and writers, meeting with a successful filmmaker and writer (nominated for a GG, no less), when a certain artistic director entered with a certain former artistic director (boy wunderkind turned aging homeboy turned writing star) and we all started chatting. well, a certain misogynist feminist writer entered with the man who is most certainly not her boyfriend who is currently living in toronto, took one look and snubbed us all. now, is this because she was with another dude, and didn't want to get into it? pissed that j and collin and i were talking with the big boys? fallout from the reading that our filmmaker had directed of her disastrous play?

this is why it's impossible to bring non artists into these situations. the politics are WAY too complex.
my apologies to the fact that this speculation was actually aimed at about 0.01% of people reading this who will know the parties in question.

well, off to a delightful evening of work. i'm thinking of posting a safety statistics sign, except mine will say "Hours without being yelled at". i wonder what it will get up to???

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

am i still alive?

the answer is yes.

i just suck at posting on my blog, apparently. but never fear, things are still the same here.

i'm giving some serious thought to quitting my job, if only so i can work somewhere where i don't have to be there for 12-8 for 2 weeks straight. plus saturday afternoons. i don't know what it is about those particular hours of the day, well, besides the jerky customers, but i just can't stand it. that and my schedule keeps changing. also, i should be starting rehearsal soon.

is it wrong for me to say that a corporation can't own me? like that i don't owe them something extra? beyond providing my (excellent if i do say so myself) services in exchange for money? isn't that the trade? i work. they pay me. they don't get to have extra dibs on all my time. right?

not to mention that no matter how much $ i get paid, when you're working 12-16 hrs a week, it doesn't matter.

realizing that i could currently make more money flipping burgers for $7/hour really puts things into perspective.

sadly, i must go to work now.