Sunday, July 13, 2008

once bitten...

i've never been someone to just get back on the horse. always been a little shy of getting burned the second time, in a variety of situations. but i have to watch myself-- sometimes this attitude can lead to not getting on the horse at all.
classic example-- career anxiety about people not calling me back. yes, this has continued to happen as of late, and with a few people, some of whom surprise me, since i kinda know them in person and all that. and a couple of months ago, i started pursuing representation with an agent. left him a message, no reply. fine, he's busy, whatever. called again, spoke with him, he asked me to send photo/resume. did so. nothing. sent a pleasant follow-up. nothing.
now, wise words say his loss, besides, do you want an agent who can't be bothered to call you? just move on, there's a few shops in town. but now, there's that "what if none of them want me either" vibe running through my head. stupid, i know. but what if none of them do? i mean, i suppose i could move on to agents in c-town, for whatever that's worth. i could keep writing and do my own thing and make other people want to hire me so much that someone would sign me, eventually. i mean, there are options. options that are hard to see when you're faced with the blaring internal FAIL siren.
i really need to practice saying "who cares? who gives a shit?" more.
remind me to practice that.

do you ever find yourself thinking something about yourself, like one of those automatic thoughts like "oh, i'm not good at sports", or "i suck at math", or "i'm socially awkward" or "i can't dance" or whatever, and suddenly realizing "Why do I think that, anyway?" one of those statements that you realize can be traced back to something someone said to you 20 years ago that you for some reason chose not only to believe at the time, but hold on to for the rest of your life? so it just became something about yourself that you accept, regardless as to whether or not that is actually true?

this has been happening to me, as of late. examining the internal dialogue. and thinking "why did i choose to believe that? and why do i still?" i mean, maybe i am good at sports. or math. or socializing. or whatever. just how do i get rid of the crap that i have chosen to internalize?

still trying to figure that one out.

Saturday, July 05, 2008

i am still alive

that is the most important piece of news. i had back surgery 3 weeks ago today, which seems to have gone really well. my tape-stitchy things finally dissolved today, and it's nice not to have them still stuck to me. frankly, they were starting to look a little worse for wear. and i have a strange, intermittently numb bum side-cheek, but my doctor tells me this is normal during recovery. and what do i know about orthopedic surgery? nothing, that's what. so immediate plans include mucho rest, many recuperative walks, and physio in a few weeks.
oh, and did i mention i might be doing a dance show next year? so rest up while you can, L4/L5 vertebrae!

apart from that, still working at home, loving that part of it. i love being my own boss and scheduling my own day. and if i feel like working extra hard so i can have an extra day off, then that's cool, because I AM MY BOSS. well, truly my boss is my boss. i suppose I AM MY OWN MIDDLE MANAGEMENT. which is good enough for me.

i admit to having fallen off the weight watchers wagon a bit since the surgery. at first i thought i could let things slide since i was horribly ill and barfy for a few days. not eating much means i can treat myself when i feel better, right? but i have to get back on track. though i realized today if there's one thing that WW has taught me, it must be that i can eat some cake, or some french fries, or chips, or a slurpee on a hot day. i just should not eat them all in one day. that being said, only marginally following the program, i've still lost about 4 pounds since surgery, and i expect it to keep going now that i can actually exercise. and, of course, eat properly. i'm hoping to be about 20 pounds down from my start weight for the fringe, which is totally doable.

but enough about my weight insecurities! let's talk about my career insecurities! which, for once, are in no way related to my weight insecurities!
i'm at this point where i'm trying to strike out on my own, and be more pro-active and all that good crap, putting myself out there, being open to new things (dance show? hmmm?). and i feel like people just ignore me. or don't reply to me. and i realize people are busy, and i'm hardly the only one asking for their time. but i also know that i don't sound like a completely rude idiot on the phone or via email. so why no replies? is it just easier to say nothing than to say "no, thanks"? or am i suffering from a case of "don't you know who i am?" syndrome, which runs rampant in my profession?

sigh. continuing to focus on the positive...