i've never been someone to just get back on the horse. always been a little shy of getting burned the second time, in a variety of situations. but i have to watch myself-- sometimes this attitude can lead to not getting on the horse at all.
classic example-- career anxiety about people not calling me back. yes, this has continued to happen as of late, and with a few people, some of whom surprise me, since i kinda know them in person and all that. and a couple of months ago, i started pursuing representation with an agent. left him a message, no reply. fine, he's busy, whatever. called again, spoke with him, he asked me to send photo/resume. did so. nothing. sent a pleasant follow-up. nothing.
now, wise words say his loss, besides, do you want an agent who can't be bothered to call you? just move on, there's a few shops in town. but now, there's that "what if none of them want me either" vibe running through my head. stupid, i know. but what if none of them do? i mean, i suppose i could move on to agents in c-town, for whatever that's worth. i could keep writing and do my own thing and make other people want to hire me so much that someone would sign me, eventually. i mean, there are options. options that are hard to see when you're faced with the blaring internal FAIL siren.
i really need to practice saying "who cares? who gives a shit?" more.
remind me to practice that.
do you ever find yourself thinking something about yourself, like one of those automatic thoughts like "oh, i'm not good at sports", or "i suck at math", or "i'm socially awkward" or "i can't dance" or whatever, and suddenly realizing "Why do I think that, anyway?" one of those statements that you realize can be traced back to something someone said to you 20 years ago that you for some reason chose not only to believe at the time, but hold on to for the rest of your life? so it just became something about yourself that you accept, regardless as to whether or not that is actually true?
this has been happening to me, as of late. examining the internal dialogue. and thinking "why did i choose to believe that? and why do i still?" i mean, maybe i am good at sports. or math. or socializing. or whatever. just how do i get rid of the crap that i have chosen to internalize?
still trying to figure that one out.
3 comments:
Wow. I've been going through very much the same process over the last year or two, accelerating in the last couple of months. I keep happening on bits of my self-image that are clearly, factually, WRONG WRONG WRONG. In my case, it's really been a case of no longer being able to ignore the evidence for several points, and that's prompting me to re-examine everything else.
maybe it's something about self-actualization once you reach the age of 33 or something... wasn't that jung? once you reach the age of christ, then you become your own person?
but it's funny, hey? now i am questioning a lot of stuff about what i think about myself. however, i have not yet happened on how to undo said thougts.
The 26-to-33 span in a person's life has been considered special by more than a few cultures.
For example, astrology is mostly bunk, but they have a tradition of the "saturn return" (the astrological details of which are lost on me, and are certainly a bunch of hooey pseudo-science) which loosely translates as a time of massive personal and public change and self-knowledge.
For me, this was a time when I decided to give a shit about the choices I was (or wasn't, in my case) making resulting in a much different life for myself at 40 that I would ever have imagined.
Seen as cognitive tools, whether you subscribe to woo-woo like astrology /or/ Jungian psych are trying to solve many of the same problem. The fact is that we know we have our threescore and ten, and it is convenient (and perhaps inevitable) to divide this up into chunks of "is this who I am? and what now?" moments.
-- clvrmnky (who can't seem to login to Blogger)
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