Monday, June 27, 2005

yes, tom, there is a thorazine

is it physically possible for the once-beloved tom cruise to be any more of an asshole? i realize that he's decided to let it all hang out since firing his publicist and hiring a new girlfriend, but his Today Show appearance was too much. it was vile, nauseating, and all i needed to send me over the edge to a tom cruise boycott.

i mean, even ROSIE denounced her cutie-patootie tommy boy.

but seriously, tom. i understand, tom, that you don't believe in psychiatry. but tom, no, tom, listen to me. tom. we all heard you the first time, tom, that you are very much concerned with learning about history, and culture and so forth. but what i question, tom, is that i just can't believe that if you were really so into world betterment, that you'd be so fired up about making a piece of shit like the impending MI3. seriously, tom. it's just not plausible. it's like a... a pseudo-hypocrisy.

can't someone at universal just tell him to shut the fuck up? or can't we get A&E out there and get spielberg and katie and everyone together and organize some kind of intervention?

i mean, i don't believe that my problems are caused by emotional soul scars left by aliens from a past life, but i don't have to go to matt lauer to spout off about it. but next to that, i have to say that a chemical imbalance doesn't seem quite so improbable.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

learnings for the day

today i learned two things:

1) i desperately need some lessons in acting for the camera
2) always, always wear sunscreen.

i am writing to you from beyond the taught sheath of sunburn, a sunburn i acquired after a mere hour under the assault of the earth's main star. the sun, when he's at home. i spent my time doing a short independent film, in which i had one line and was doing as a favour to a friend.

film is fascinating and confounding to me-- the actors are more like props, and there are the mechanics of keeping every take physically the same, while maintaining some level of spontaneity. i always feel stiff, awkward, like when you're on stage and notice the eye of the reviewer or a random audience member firmly zeroed in on you. i try to hard to seem natural. or i feel insecure next to the tiny size 0 girl with impossibly huge breasts who's playing the love interest. i, godzilla to her godzookie am dimly aware of the fact that i shouldn't care about impressing people i've never met and will likely never see again.

that, and the hangover from all the gin i drank last night. a different story, a story where j and i almost ended up in an altercation with skinheads at the birthday party of a friend. in a bar with a german name and blasting reggae music, we almost met our doom.

and the sunburn-- well, that's a curse i have to live with every summer. i don't know how long vitamin e cream stays good, i'm wondering if i'm going to come down with some dire skin condition from smearing it on my face every few minutes.

the good news is that bedlam is in fact doing a show in april, and i have been commissioned (in a way) to write some of the shorts. with that, the tour, and the reading in calgary in the fall, i can finally say with some confidence that i have a "season" ahead of me.

but will people like me? will they really, really like me?

that's the question of the day.


ps- when in doubt for a birthday gift, the New and Improved Fart Machine is a smashing success. particularly with the remote control feature.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

could this be my problem?

i just took an online iq test.
it told me my score is 90.


now, i realize one shouldn't place much faith in these internet tests, otherwise, one could suddenly find oneself suffering from OCD, irritable bowel, ovarian cysts AND erectile dysfunction, just from clicking away at the pop-ups.

but i wonder-- wouldn't it be easier just to be somewhat stupider?

i talk to stupid people all day. they tell me how they are shareholders and must fly to vancouver regarding their son's mysterious "condition". they tell me that if they say their phone number out loud then the people listening to them in their apartment will know it and call them, and harass them. i talk to people who don't understand the simple mathematics of -$99.95 + $99.95 equalling $0.00. i talk to people who spend 10 minutes waiting on the phone only to shout and holler that they only received pages 1, 3 and 5 of their bill.

i realize that i talk to crazy people. but also, to stupid people.

and they are so blissfully right. all the time. it never occurs to them to be insecure, or polite, or to think and consider and contemplate before they act.

i stole an issue of O magazine from the laundry room. mind you, i wanted to read an interview with Jon Stewart, but i was amazed at the branding, the sloganization of the oprah phenomenon. she tells me: "live your best life". well, i have to say, oprah, that i'm trying.

but then, i hear the booming drawl of dr. phil echoing in the recesses of my mind: "how's that working for you?"

who to believe... the audience on springer shouts "JERRY! JER-RY!" which is of no help at all, and maury-- well, maury has little to offer me.

"live your stupidest life"???

as a slogan, it needs work.


Sunday, June 05, 2005


this is a test to see if everything is working out ok.

everything on the blog, that is.