Wednesday, February 19, 2014

... Keep Going

Howdy chums,
I have been feeling rather out of sorts lately-- J has been out of work for a couple of months (but has found a job he will hopefully be starting next week) and I have become the main breadwinner, on top of taking a couple of "fun" classes (spoiler alert: not so fun), and stressing over a couple of commissions that I have no ideas for. Combine that with feeling utterly and completely divorced from my creative self, and things have not been too fun in my land. I am hoping that with some of the stress being lifted on the financial front, things will improve.

What is new since my last post, you may ask?

1. We got a dog! Perhaps not the greatest timing, but she is a great dog for us and lots of fun. And J's new work schedule will allow us to have someone home with her most of the time.

2. I am taking tap! Which is utterly ridiculous and hilarious. I am pretty much as klutzy as I remember from my previous "dance" experiences. But my shoes sure do sound awesome!

3. I am not renewing my contract at work! This resulted in a somewhat awkward conversation with my boss, who wanted me to renew already. Currently my job is all about Olympics (we are fully decorated in this office, including a torch), and pregnancies. I am soooo sick of hearing about medals and babies, y'all. Also, the guy who sits behind me says 'assepted' instead of 'accepted', which comes up in just about every phone call. It is driving me insane. Also, this is not a good job fit for me, for a variety of less shallow reasons. Countdown app on my phone has been initiated for my last day here.

4. I have to start writing a play! Well, two plays. One long, one short. Those three sentences are pretty much twice as much writing as I have done for either of them, so you can see how that's going.

5. I am thinking about some negative people in my life-- not necessarily those who are negative towards me (although there are a couple), but people who are just negative energy sources in general. I realize that people aren't always aware of the impact their attitudes have, and I do strive to be compassionate to people and respectful of where they are at. But there are a few people who are just not helpful in my life at the moment. I'm not one to have a 'friendtervention' about things like that, I prefer to gradually decrease my inner circle ninja-style instead. I sometimes have trouble recognizing when things are on me, and when they are on the friend in question. But in the case of these particular folks, I realize that them being in my life is currently making me sadder than the thought of them not being in my life.

So that is what's going on-- when you're going through hell, keep going. Because I guess there is light at the end of the tunnel... as long as it's not a train?

Monday, January 06, 2014

Hello, friends and neighbours...

It's been a long, long time!

Some updates:

I have a real, grown-up job at the moment. It is not the best job, but it is a great paycheque, which seems to be a common trade-off of adult life. The money is important because J got laid off in November and aside from his December show, my cheque is our only current source of income. This is somewhat stressful, for both of us, I think. The whole point of my taking this job was to save up some money so when my contract ends in June I wouldn't have to get a full-time job immediately and could pursue creative activities... and currently my whole pay gets eaten up by rent, bills, and food. I'm hoping we are a two-income family again soon, though!

I am fat. Yes, I really am. I have been taking a medication for the last year that has caused me to gain, gain, gain, regardless of diet or exercise habits. My first weigh-in of the new year tipped in at 200 lbs even, which is even more than I thought it would be. And my highest weight in many years. And pretty discouraging. Medication regimens are being changed, gym habits are being renewed, healthy eating (the norm for me anyway) is becoming even healthier. Still, it's kind of a tough blow. OK, an extremely tough blow. I feel like I've been really healthy, and still end up at the same place. And convincing my doctor that my weight gain over the past 15 months could relate to the meds I've been taking for the last 15 months... man, I wish convincing burned calories.

I am taking a couple of classes right now, and trying to get my brain to work in school mode is challenging. Grade 12 Chemistry, I do not remember you. I guess I really didn't use you in real life. Until this point, when it would have been handy if I had paid attention and then somehow traveled through time to put my notes in a safe deposit box for myself or something.

In creative news, I am out of ideas. Or that's what it seems like. I have contracts for two writing projects in the second half of this year and I have... nothing. Like not even the hint of an idea. Like that part of my brain closed up shop and moved away. And when I talk to fellow creatives about it, they say 'Oh, don't be silly. I'm sure you'll come up with something sooner or later.' Which is not really helpful. I suppose no creative people really want to talk about 'What if it all dries up and doesn't work any more?' so I can't say I blame anyone for changing the subject.

I don't know if I'm out of ideas because I'm stressed, or if I'm stressed because I'm out of ideas. Little from Column A, little from Column B, probably. It is daunting, to say the least. What if I never think of something again? Or what if I don't think of something in time to fulfill my contracts, thus leading me never to be hired again, thus negating the need to think of more ideas?

You see the dilemma. I suppose things are generally fine, I mean I'm not in danger of starving to death or losing my apartment or anything, I just feel like I am running in place to maintain the status quo. Much like running in place to continue to gain weight, I suppose. Metaphors and similes! Do they count as creative thinking? That's about all I can manage.

I have been feeling especially that I am not really getting anywhere, and I suppose it's because I am currently not getting anywhere. I have made several cool resolutions for the new year, which I promise I am excited about, but at the moment all I can do is work and be stressed and work and be stressed.

This isn't exactly an optimistic post for the new year. I have fun (and scary!) things planned, and I will come back and talk about those.