song anxiety

who would have thought I was capable of writing two posts in one day?

I did manage to get some work done on the play, ploughed through the first couple of scenes. Unfortunately, changing something major in the play means... well, making major changes throughout. Which I hadn't given a lot of practical thought to. I mean, I'd decided on the changes, but actually going over what I've written, changing it, thinking about how the changes affect the whole structure, all the little references I have to change-- well, rewriting is a skill I have yet to master. On the up side, it's almost like writing a whole new play. It's strange to get excited about the first act again, I was so bored with it, I was veering towards extreme hatred for it. Like, wanting to punch it in the face, as well as anyone who brought up the play.

I want to write something new. Something quick and dirty. I'm tired of lingering over my precious ideas for so long, like I'm standing vigil in some idea hospital or something, waiting to see if the play will survive. I want to write something new. I'm thinking about a solo show. I have a feeling that's where I may live, in the land of the solo show. In that "fuck everyone else" way. Not the way that makes you bitter, the one that makes you a strong person.

and as far as the preparation for ye olde audition goes, well, that's the title of the post. song anxiety. more specifically, singing anxiety. Always had it. Loved to sing, always hated singing. And it seems like the more training I had, the more disastrous my singing became for me. Not that I had bad training, just that the act of singing somehow seemed to grow my neurosis about it. I can't explain it. But the monologue is easy, the singing is hard. But why? And why do I keep coming back to it? A friend of mine told me that her daughter's piano teacher refused to take adult students, that adults returning to music was always because they were trying to resolve some sort of deep-seated childhood issue. I don't know if I agree with that. I do love music. But at the same time, I can't deny that I have some sort of issue with it. And it's not that I'm tone deaf, or I have a terrible voice, or any other reason that would make perfect sense about freaking out over singing. I feel like I have a real voice, a good voice, which is somehow buried under a bunch of crap, and I don't know how to let it out. And I hate touchy-feely "set your inner self free" statements like nobody's business. But that's what it seems to be.

Anyway, I have a couple more days to steel my confidence. Although it feels like someone has stolen my confidence.