Twenty.

According to all of the many "How many days until" websites (why so many?), there are 20 days until I give my notice. Now that I've decided to do it, it's hard not to just throw it out there at work. But I'm holding back. I don't think they'd say "Well, just leave now, then", because they will be (and this is not ego talking) be kind of screwed without me.

Some of my friends have said "Don't give them a second more than two weeks' notice, because they've been terrible to you". Ultimately, I'm giving them three weeks' notice, and I've been planning the conversation... I think it will come as a surprise until they think about it a little.

So, new year, new start and all that... and once I actually quit my job to be an artist again (I mean, there are other reasons I'm quitting, but this is the big one), I actually HAVE TO DO IT. No more "Oh, if only I had the time to do this project", or "I wish I could just try this thing out". No ifs. The time will be NOW. Well, now being January, but you get the drift.

And I've been thinking a lot about my struggle with feeling worthy as an artist--despite having a fair amount of professional success creatively, I still have trouble with saying "Here I am and I have this to say and it has value". I've been thinking about how to fight that... I have been making a list of all the things I CAN do when I feel like there's nothing I can do to further my career. Stuff like get new headshots, or submit even more scripts, or get some friends together for a play reading, and all that good stuff that empowers you in what can be a very disempowering business.

I think that for me some of it lies in indulgence. I mean, creating things is a very self-indulgent process--you sit with your idea and dedicated time to thinking about it, shaping it, dressing it up differently, asking other peoples' opinions. Very self-indulgent... in a good way. But it's challenging for me to be self-indulgent for stuff like, say, practicing singing--I feel weird taking up time and making these sometimes terrible sounds that people have to hear. It's easier just to deny myself and not take the risk. But that's a risk that should be taken. And there are plenty of examples like that where I don't feel like I "deserve" to spend time on something, or to have time and attention spent on me.

So I'm going to be thinking about being self-indulgent for the next few weeks--trying to sow some seeds and creating some new habits. It sounds fun... and difficult.

Twenty days! (And then twenty-three days after that.)