jobs and things

hey again!
doing my best to keep things updated. i've been submitting plays where i can. keeping an eye out for film stuff i could submit to, but things are a little slow here out on the prairies. hopefully it picks up soon, but i'm trying to keep busy and work on other stuff, so i'll at least be in a state of readiness when something starts happening.

i got a job! i'm working part time at the box office for the symphony. everyone is really nice, and for a change, understanding about needing time off to do gigs, since all the box office folk are musicians and dancers and actors. i also may have an opportunity to go back to writing video games, though it's a long shot. my previous editing work there seems to have opened a potential door for a full-time gig there. although getting the job will be another kettle of fish, because there's a huge submission that i have to put together.

i'm doing that film workshop this weekend, had the first session tonight-- kind of a weird vibe in the room, i have to say. a few negative people can really change the tone of any gathering. and, of course, there is the standard hate on for theatre actors. i have no problem discussing the difference between theatre and film acting (they are incredibly different), but when people who don't know the first thing about stage acting start dissing the entire profession... well, i had to say something about that. of course theatre acting looks terrible on film, but believe you me, film acting on stage is just grim death to watch.

i'm going to try to stay positive and forget about the negative folks in class. i mean, i can let the fear of being judged block me, but the truth is, if people are going to judge me, they'll judge me, no matter what i do. i have no control over what other people think. yet, anyway.

off to learn my scene...

Joe Job

So at the moment, I'm unemployed. At first it was a kind of planned unemployment, I was coming off a tour, had some money in my bank account. I intended to luxuriate in my free time, not staying in hotel rooms, not eating Tim Horton's food in the truck, and just relax for about a month. Because I have some mad office skillz, you see, so I figured it would be pretty easy to pick up some office work when I was good and ready.

Not so much, apparently.

You see, contrary to popular beliefs, most actor/writer/artist types aren't raking in the cash from government grants, we don't get paid tons of money even when we are working. We tend to live by picking up little freelance gigs piecemeal, by waiting tables, by typing memos for people and answering their phone. Hence, the Joe Job. The "Real Job" if you're feeling a little less kind.

I've had a lot of joe jobs, mostly in offices. I may be one of the only actors in the world who has never waited tables or worked in food service. Because I somehow got sucked into working in offices right after university, and I highly recommend temping to anyone who asks. No responsibility, a finite time limit that you'll be expected to be there, and people are always impressed when you know the alphabet. The way it works is pretty simple. You sign up with a temp agency. Then someone at the agency, your temp pimp as it were, sends you out on jobs. You show up, do some kind of menial work, and collect a paycheck. Easy peasy!

But not anymore. I went back to my temp agency, and my temp pimp was super excited about it, and I have worked for exactly 5 days in the past month. Things have gotten slow here in oil country. So slow that it's getting hard to get any kind of job. Jobs at malls, fast food jobs, everyone is taking anything they can, because suddenly it's looking pretty bleak.

So where does this leave me? I'd planned to get a second job to pay off some debt and some upcoming wedding debt, even though the prospect of working 7 days a week wasn't exactly thrilling. But right now I'd be happy with any income. Being a supermarket checkout girl, pouring coffee, flipping burgers. And yet, I have also been rejected by all these jobs. Because even though a ton of office jobs look impressive on the resume, people assume that I have no other skills, or they just don't believe I actually want to scoop ice cream for a living.

Actually, scooping ice cream or working at Value Village sound a lot better to me than going to office potlucks, but that could just be me.

In other news, I have been accomplishing some things. Writing some online content articles that are actually going to give me a paycheck this month. Taking the second half of that film class in a couple of weeks. Submitting plays to places. Doing some freelance-y little things. So I can't say that I don't enjoy being my own boss and having free time. I just can't help feeling more and more anxious about my dwindling finances.

Dazed and confused

I've been feeling lost, as of late. Actually, I think I've been feeling lost for a while.

I was thinking the other night, how a few short years ago, I took this workshop, and during the workshop I created this neat little solo piece that was a little weird, a little creepy, but very me. (On another note, I realize that I seem to write a lot about people's interaction with inanimate objects, and them imbuing them with human personality traits-- is that called anthropomorphizing?) Anyway, I later took that piece and performed it at a solo festival in another city. Like, a city in which I didn't live, just traveled down there by myself and had a bunch of strangers show up to see my work. Then later that same year, I wrote a show that was produced at the Fringe. Another kind of weird, kind of creepy, kind of very me show. And the sad thing is that I have no idea now how I had the courage to do either of those things. I mean, it gives me heart palpitations just to imagine it.

Somewhere along the way, I seem to have gotten very caught up in worrying what other people will think, that I'm somehow going to fail. Or getting very jealous of what other people are doing, and how they're so much more successful than me, and feeling inferior. And again, feeling that I have failed, am failing, will fail. And I want to quit.

I don't know if wanting to quit is really wanting to quit in a real sense, I can't really imagine any kind of plan B. And at the same time, I feel like I haven't tried hard enough to quit yet. Like quitting would be failing, but trying is not, whether it gets me any further or not.

So I'm feeling a little trapped at the moment. Not sure how to get out from under the thumb of insecurity, not really sure how "fake it till you make it" is actually going to help in this instance. I'm trying to have a burst of productivity-- submitting plays, networking about acting opportunities, looking into producing my own little webisodes. Trying to find indie film auditions. Stuff like that.

I'm trying to make a list of "you can't quit until..." things. Things that I absolutely feel I have to try before I can quit in good conscience. Because I have a feeling I don't really want to quit. I have a feeling that I might just be feeling defeated right now, and quitting altogether would be doing myself a disservice. So please don't comment with the "if you're having any doubts, you should just quit the biz, because it's only going to get harder" bullshit. Everyone has doubts. The biz by its very nature attracts people who are vulnerable, insecure, sometimes a little hyperdramatic about their lives. The nature of the beast, as it were.

Here's what I have so far. Don't laugh. Actually, laugh if you want, because I'm going to do it anyway.
1) Write and produce a solo show.
2) Put together and perform a cabaret.
3) Make a short film.
4) Write a screenplay.
5) Get some webisodes out there.

Any suggestions? I'll try to add to the list as I come up with more.

another of those posts where i say i'm going to try harder

I know, I know. I leave the blog dangling for weeks/months/years at a time and then I return all full of resolve to do stuff and try at life and be a success and overcome my fears, and then... nothing.
But this time... I really mean it?
Let me repunctuate that: I really mean it.

The precipitating event: well, not so much one event as a series of events, a general wave of malaise and anxiety that has overtaken my life the last couple of weeks. Going for job interviews and being roundly rejected. Watching my bank account hemmorhage money with nothing coming in. Freaking out because I'm rapidly going broke. Agreeing to take a 3-day temp job that is an hour and a half on the bus each way because I need the cash.

And then: the audition. Now, there was an audition for an indie film yesterday, an audition that a couple of friends of mine had asked if I was going to. Now, I already have something in my calendar for the shoot dates, and I don't know about going to auditions just "for the experience". I mean, if they offer you the job, they expect you to take it. Because why else would you be there? So I was hemming and hawwing over the whole thing, and my friends had both decided not to do it, and then on the spur of the moment one of them went because she would have regretted it otherwise.

The question in my mind being: did I really skip it because I have something else to do (something I could cancel for the opportunity at resume credit), or because I was afraid to do it? The more I think about it, the more I'm leaning towards the second option. And I always do that. Don't do things (the stupidest things, btw) because I'm too afraid to do them.

I was reading another blog the other day that put forth the theory that fear of failure isn't really fear of failure at all, just fear of criticism. And boy howdy, do I have a whopping big fear of criticism. And probably a fear of success, since it will lead to people saying "what's next?" and me saying "ummmm" and people saying "FAIL" and then blamm-o! CRITICISM.

I mean, WTF? I'm an adult woman. I should really have a better handle on my life by this point.

Said blog post also suggested that reframing how one looks at fear is helpful-- as in, all people feel fear. People who are courageous aren't people who don't have fears, they just faced them down. Feel the fear and do it anyway, and all that good stuff from inspirational posters.

Anyway, the point is I'm tired of talking myself out of doing things, of not experiencing things because I'm afraid of being criticized or failing or sucking at things. I need to try harder. I don't have any choice but to actually try harder. Because this is getting old pretty fast.

Grrr.

On another note, I actually dragged myself out of bed to go for a run today, even though it's hot and I look stupid while running. And I have been dragging myself outside to run thrice weekly for the past four weeks. So that's something!

Do you put yourself out there? Take risks? Are you afraid like me? How do you deal?

Setting Goals vs. Achieving Goals

Yes, I'm starting to realize there is a difference. I am one of those people who *loves* to set goals and make lists, yet has a problem following through. So what's a girl to do? Besides set more goals, that is. :)

Still plugging away at WW, trying to keep on program, do some running, all that good stuff. Determined to lose some pounds this summer. I'm going to move on to the next week of the couch to 5k program this week, which is a little terrifying-- all that running! Who knows, either I'll eventually get to 5k and love it and do it forever, or I'll be "This is so over!" and never do it again. But I should probably focus on achieving week 3 first.

I've been experimenting writing for Suite 101, because a friend of mine is actually making money from it, and I'm pleased to say that one of my articles is actually on the first page of Google when you search "tea length wedding dress". And there is ad revenue coming in, even with only a few articles up. I'm hoping to get enough for a payout for the end of this month, and then keep adding content. I'd like to eventually be able to make my student loan payments from web writing revenue, but that's a distant dream for the moment.

I took a film workshop a couple of weeks ago, which was eye opening and challenging and interesting-- very different from stage acting. It did make me think differently about how other people perceive me and how I should and could be marketing myself. And since I now have an agent, I'm hoping to get some auditions, at least.

I was reading a blog post about setting goals for your career, over a 12 month period, and to break them down into smaller and smaller sub-goals, until you finally have sub-goals that you can achieve in a day. So even if you only do one of them per day, you're still advancing your career, step by step. Here's a few I've been thinking of:

1. Lose that last 25 pounds. Maybe even 30.
2. Book a film job.
3. Get a production for Laws of Thermodynamics.
4. Write and produce that solo show.
5. ?

Guess I'd better get back to work on that 5th thing. Instinct says it should be something to do with music, because I have a feeling that letting go and being self-accepting in that department could really help everything else out. And conveniently, I have a singing lesson tomorrow, first one since I left for the tour. Wish me luck!

I also need luck in finding a job, because they are getting pretty scarce in these parts. Even temp jobs. Eek!

WW Slacker

Yes, that is exactly what I am. A weight watchers slacker. When I eat, I fleetingly think of the points values of everything, and it's like they just sail through my head. In one ear and out the other, as it were. So I am up a couple of pounds. Three to be exact. Of course, that's also following a mini-vacation/wedding business trip, in which I not only tasted several kinds of cake (and took seconds and thirds, just to be "sure"), but I also had to eat out all the time.

I think doing the tour and not having to worry so much about what I was eating (hello, two load ins and load outs a day, not to mention the very physical clown show. AND lots of time in small towns with few veggie options), I got very lazy. I rediscovered my love of french fries. I stopped counting. I'm going to have to count again, because I am determined to be in the 150's by my birthday. Leaving me a nice long while to get into the 140 district for the wedding. Not that I'm losing weight for the wedding. In fact, I'm not. I think I will look perfectly lovely even if I don't lose another pound. I'm just tired of thinking about losing weight, or having to lose weight, or dreaming about losing weight. It's become something of a lifelong occupation, one that I'll be glad to be rid of.

In other news, I started Week 2 of the Couch to 5K program today, and it completely kicked my ass. I don't even want to think about next week's even longer run. And in several weeks, when I run for 30 minutes non-stop? Forget about it!

I also signed up for Suite 101, and have thus far written 3 articles for them. I have it on good authority that you can actually make some kind of money doing it, and even if I only make a few bucks a month, I figure I can pay off my credit card/student loan, and learn something about web writing. Which is totally different from print writing. Like this blog? Doing it all wrong.

Next week is picking up, I have some medical improv gigs, as well as a film workshop all next weekend. Then more medical improv the week after. The sucky part is it doesn't pay until about a month after the fact. And I am dragging my ass on getting a job. I seriously cannot face working in someone's office again. Or having to explain to someone in an interview why being in theatre does in fact give me useful skills.

But I think I will save that for next week. Or the week after...

born to run?

Of course, it might be a little early to say that, seeing as how i made it through day 2 of the 5 week program today. And it could be my imagination, but I seem to remember feeling that my lungs were going to explode a little later than last time out. A good sign? Possibly. The only crappy part of the day was getting road tar on my leg. This is one of the few things that nail polish remover will not get rid of. It's been suggested that gasoline or kerosene will remove that gunk from my leg in two shakes, but I'm going to have to do a little research before I head out to the Shell station.

Other news? I have an agent! Which is a complete surprise to me, especially as I was getting the old "fuck you" from the entire canon of agents in this tiny town. Plus, I have a lady agent. Which is kind of cool. And she seems non-crazy, another plus in my book. I'm really hoping this works and I get a little work out of this.

At the moment I am procrastinating writing a proposal for an independent production. I have to turn this proposal in by Sunday. It isn't long, and I already have all the point-form information written out in a little notebook. So why the delay? Sigh.

Last night marked the 4th night in a row that my ability to sleep goes on a temporary hiatus. Yes, between about 2:30 and 5:00 am, it seems like I am incapable of sleeping. Kind of annoying. Plus, I look like I'm exhausted all day. Which I kind of am.

Okay, got to get writing this proposal.

oh sweet zombie jeebus!

how could i forget? following the tour, i made good on my vow to *quit smoking*. today is day 4 heading into day 5. presumably the worst is behind me now. naturally, i have quit numerous times before, last time was for just about a year. i'm hoping to beat that this time around.

this is the time, though, when the nicotine cravings are starting to diminish and my brain does something tricky like saying "you could have just one and be completely fine". i have to resist that until the point where smoking becomes gross to me. right now it just seems like everyone around me smokes and life is completely unfair because i can't have one.

fortunately, there is no way i could imagine running while still smoking.

still alive

bet you thought i was never coming back, right? well i am back. i finished my tour, all ten weeks, and i managed to survive without killing a single person. though there was a day or two when i came close. but now i've been home for just over a week, and i'm trying to make some things happen for myself.

firstly, getting an agent. i finally sent out my new pictures to every single legit agent in town, and have gotten a couple of nibbles, but nothing definite yet. i have a meeting tomorrow with one place, but i am still waiting to hear on the guy who represents *everyone* in town. hopefully the smaller agency will be a good fit for me. plus i have a film workshop that i am somehow going to take and pay for in a couple of weeks, meaning the "film" portion of my resume will no longer be blank.

secondly, trying to get some writing done. currently looking into freelancing online for small sums of cash. better than nothing, and it builds the portfolio. plus i get to write about things i'm actually interested in!

doing a show at the fringe which i have nothing to do with the production/budgeting of. this is kind of a relief, compared to past fringes. all i have to do is show up and act, which sounds fabulous to me!

putting in a proposal to do an independent show (as yet unwritten) next year. realizing after this tour and a couple of auditions i had when i got back that people do in fact know who i am, and might even hire me, were there enough work to support it. so the next best thing i can do is make my own work.

started running. well, today i started running. so i guess i've run once, if we're going to get specific about it. trying the couch to 5k program from cool runnings, and i can't even begin to express what a difference music makes to working out. i don't know why i never made the connection before, but something about running and music goes together like... well, like some food i love and can't eat and a second food i love and can't eat.

trying not to go broke. this is made difficult by my laziness about getting a job, and by a wedding-related excursion up to Canmore to get some cake tasting and venue-photographing done.

trying not to get a job for a while. it looks like my schedule will really only allow temping anyway, but i just can't get all excited about getting dressed in work pants and heading to someone's office 5 days a week. i've been spoiled for the past year, what with not having to get a regular job. and now i have to get a regular job. yes, waah waah, poor me. i've got some medical improv gigs lined up over the next month, hopefully those will take some of the edge off of my credit card.

and i think that's all the news that is the news...

remembering and looking ahead...

Sitting here after a few days off from the show, wondering if I should have spent a little more time with my script. I know it pretty well just sitting here running it, but I have a feeling that once I get up on my feet, it'll totally screw me up. Fortunately we still have two more weeks of rehearsals to sort things out. God forbid the day comes when I have to improvise in French.
That's the actual remembering I've been doing... not just musing over the past in a maudlin manner.

I've realized that I need to recommit to writing more. I always seem to have all these plans and ideas that I somehow put off. I'm hoping that when I'm on the road, I'll have more time to do stuff. But I have to start sooner, instead of procrastinating. Because time goes by no matter what, right? I don't know what I'm afraid of exactly. Success? Failure? Just sucking? Putting in the effort and then... nothing? All of the above?

I've been thinking of trying to get some freelance gigs, I've already got some movie reviews lined up for the month of March. I need to bring in some extra cash, plus I need to get the regular writing thing happening.

Back to my script...

getting geared up...

for rehearsal tomorrow. i'm slightly weirded out by the prospect of going to the first day and not knowing anyone-- i mean, i know the AD and one of the actors, but that's not why i got hired. i'm not "attached" to the project in any way other than that i auditioned for it and got the job.
the SM sent me an email telling me to be there at 9, then sent out the rehearsal schedule saying we were going from 9:30 to 4. so what do i do? show up at 9 and wait around if she meant 9:30? that's my plan. maybe they want me to sign contracts or something before the day begins. or maybe i'll just end up waiting around for half an hour, making polite French conversation with the SM.
it's also scary to think about doing the first read in front of designers, etc. in a second language. somehow that puts more pressure on the whole thing. pressure to pronounce everything correctly, for one.
apart from that, today was a pretty lazy day. watched the inauguration, got my hair done, did some groceries, took a nap. worried about my french pronunciation briefly.
at least worrying about my pronunciation will take away from worrying about singing!

before i head out to rehearsal...

Just a quick update. I heard back from the AD yesterday, and we are in fact starting rehearsals next week! And I know someone in the cast! Just hearing that was a huge relief, now I have someone to ask how to pronounce things without fear of mockery!

Today I'm rehearsing for some play readings that go up tomorrow night. I might actually start feeling like acting is my job or something...

On the wedding front, we are oh so close to booking a photographer. And a block of hotel rooms for people (a cheap, simple hotel with decent continental breakfast included). And I tried on dresses yesterday and am now thoroughly confused. All of the major things that are left are: cake, justice of the peace, and... well, things like planning the actual ceremony, the menu, etc. All the details. But once I've assembled all the puzzle pieces, I can make them work together to create something. That's the general plan, anyway.

AND today, of course, is weigh-in day. And I'm down 1.5 pounds! Go me! Now I have to figure out how to break the dreaded plateau of this particular weight.

Off to rehearsal.

snow day

it's not really a snow day. but it is snowing. today i elected to hang around inside, finish a sewing project, and do some actual wedding work.

i almost forgot how much i like making stuff-- it was really satisfying to finish sewing my little purse. so much so, that i wanted to start something else right away! it just sucks that i have to wait till spring to use my purse. but it's not exactly winter weight fabric.

still haven't heard anything about contracts... should I be nervous? should i be making excuses for them? should i be realizing that not everyone sees my employment as the earth-shatteringly-important matter that i do?

i made an appointment to try on some dresses on thursday, right after my semi-annual arthritis checkup. hmmm maybe i should tell them that at the salon so i can seem like even MORE of an old lady.

i still have like 25 weekly points left on WW, my weigh-in being friday. i suppose i could have eaten more this week, but it seems like it'd be hard to use up more points than i already get, and still be healthy. maybe it's the vegetarian thing? lower point values or something? of course, maybe all those people who get more points are just wayyyy more active than me and are actually burning calories.

speaking of burning calories, i tried my yoga dvd today. it was pretty dumbed down-- no specific poses mentioned or anything, so i think it might be a little too introductory. plus, it wasn't much of a workout for a "yoga for weight loss" routine. but the good news is-- no ruptured discs as of yet! and my spine didn't punch through my scar when i bent over!

who said i have an overactive imagination?

state of the sunday

nothing much new to report... spent the afternoon getting my sew on, making a bag that a friend sent me the pattern for. i think it's going to be super cute, despite my having put the internal pockets on sideways. oops! but my bag will have a tall pocket that's perfect for storing pens and pencils in.
J is heading back to rehearsals tomorrow, meaning that i'll have the whole house to myself during the day. i think i'm going to try my yoga dvd. my friend Sarah has inspired me to be more vigilant about weight watchers, and i've been tracking points since last week. today... not such a stellar day, but not a disaster. sadly, even veggie dogs add up after a while!
realizing i'm going to be on tour for a couple of months also makes me realize that i need to get my shit together re: wedding stuff. so i vow to go and try on some damn dresses already! then i'm going to check out the seamstress who has a bridal shop near my singing teacher's house. hopefully we can agree on price, and i can get something custom done to my specifications. i was thinking about trying etsy, but i'm nervous about buying something i can't see... especially when it comes to a wedding dress. not that i want a big bedazzled cupcake dress, but still. or maybe i'll even find something in my price range around here that i can just order.
once i hear for sure about the wedding website domain, i'll be able to order save-the-dates. and make a wedding website. and decide on what kind of flowers to make to bring some craft stuff on the road with me.
did i say i didn't have much to do with the wedding for a while?

booked it!

That's right, you read it correctly, I BOOKED IT! And what, you may be asking, is it? Why, a school tour en francais, January 26 to April 24. Making the big bucks, with per diem and everything. And, ironically, I get to open the show SINGING. Apparently the universe has a sense of humor about forcing me to confront my pathos.
The audition was a little surreal-- the theatre is under construction, and the AD and I were yelling at each other over the construction noise, me trying to make polite conversation in my somewhat rudimentary french, then switching to my franglais about a minute in. Since the theatre wasn't exactly conducive to creating theatrical magic due to decibel levels, we ended up doing the audition in a dressing room, which was... intimate, to say the least. Fortunately the weirdness of the situation led to a decent audition, and when songtime arrived, I just belted it out and didn't embarrass myself too much. At which point the AD offered me the job. So I suppose I must have done the opposite of embarrassing myself, if you think about it.
I haven't given my final yes yet, because J is also doing a school tour this year, and we have to figure out who will observe our fat cat Smudge if we end up being out of town at the same time.
I am scared and happy at the same time. Happy because it's a new experience for me to actually get an audition AND be offered a job. Scared because I have to do the dreaded talkback en francais. Apparently french immersion schools love it when an anglophone from a french immersion program ends up in a show, because it shows the students that french immersion isn't pointless. Or something. And the AD assured me that I have great french, and that all their tours have had a mixed cast. Still, it's a little intimidating to think about being the only one there who's an anglophone.
What if I'm the only person who brings a dictionary to rehearsal?
Eeek!

tonight

I am sitting here, well, lying here, really, wondering what the hell I was thinking accepting this audition-- I mean, seriously. Conversing in French? Acting in English? Singing in any form? It's not helping that I seem to have come down with a bit of the flu. Not the real flu, just that sicky two day thing that we call the flu. Should I have gotten a flu shot this year? Probably. But too late to complain about it now.
I really like to think of things in the number of hours until they are done. For example, 15 hours from now, the audition will be over, whether it went badly or fantastically. Somehow that makes me feel slightly better. 15 hours and counting. Then I can come home and be sick all I want. 15 hours.
Procrastinating writing once more-- I seem to have overstepped my depth in making changes without real thought. But the danger comes from wanting to "think about it" longer. The only way to start is to start, right?
Going to take a shower, print out an updated resume to go with my shiny new photos, take some Gravol, and go to bed.
Please wish me french poop and/or broken legs tomorrow!

song anxiety

who would have thought I was capable of writing two posts in one day?

I did manage to get some work done on the play, ploughed through the first couple of scenes. Unfortunately, changing something major in the play means... well, making major changes throughout. Which I hadn't given a lot of practical thought to. I mean, I'd decided on the changes, but actually going over what I've written, changing it, thinking about how the changes affect the whole structure, all the little references I have to change-- well, rewriting is a skill I have yet to master. On the up side, it's almost like writing a whole new play. It's strange to get excited about the first act again, I was so bored with it, I was veering towards extreme hatred for it. Like, wanting to punch it in the face, as well as anyone who brought up the play.

I want to write something new. Something quick and dirty. I'm tired of lingering over my precious ideas for so long, like I'm standing vigil in some idea hospital or something, waiting to see if the play will survive. I want to write something new. I'm thinking about a solo show. I have a feeling that's where I may live, in the land of the solo show. In that "fuck everyone else" way. Not the way that makes you bitter, the one that makes you a strong person.

and as far as the preparation for ye olde audition goes, well, that's the title of the post. song anxiety. more specifically, singing anxiety. Always had it. Loved to sing, always hated singing. And it seems like the more training I had, the more disastrous my singing became for me. Not that I had bad training, just that the act of singing somehow seemed to grow my neurosis about it. I can't explain it. But the monologue is easy, the singing is hard. But why? And why do I keep coming back to it? A friend of mine told me that her daughter's piano teacher refused to take adult students, that adults returning to music was always because they were trying to resolve some sort of deep-seated childhood issue. I don't know if I agree with that. I do love music. But at the same time, I can't deny that I have some sort of issue with it. And it's not that I'm tone deaf, or I have a terrible voice, or any other reason that would make perfect sense about freaking out over singing. I feel like I have a real voice, a good voice, which is somehow buried under a bunch of crap, and I don't know how to let it out. And I hate touchy-feely "set your inner self free" statements like nobody's business. But that's what it seems to be.

Anyway, I have a couple more days to steel my confidence. Although it feels like someone has stolen my confidence.

now I'm all set

I finally got a new day timer today, now I feel slightly more in control of my world. Rather than just scribbling things down on random pieces of paper, I can actually schedule and plan things!
I must confess, this is just my warmup for today's writing. Because, obviously, this counts as writing. Or, at the very least, typing. Going to try and write something every day, because the most painful part is sitting down to actually write something. Or is the most painful part the writing? The feeling of "oh god, why am I doing this, why does anyone do this, can't I just go in the next room and watch Dr. Phil or Celebrity Rehab or something?". The good news is that goes away after the first half hour or so. The bad news is that it always returns the next time I sit down to write. It's a bit like going to the gym, something I haven't done in quite a while, either.
I want to try my new yoga dvd, but I'm paranoid about my back. I mean, if I can walk around and shovel snow and carry groceries and stuff, I'm not in much danger of blowing another disc. Besides, thanks to surgical intervention, there's really not much disc left to blow, to my understanding. But I'm still paranoid about destroying my back before this audition. As if I didn't have real considersations to worry about, I have to find imaginary possibilities to worry about, too! But perhaps I will reward myself for an audition well done by doing a little yoga-for-weight-loss action.
In other news, I had a tooth filled and an old filling filed down this morning, and despite my inexplicable fear of dentistry, not a single tear was shed. Which is quite an accomplishment, getting my first filling a couple of years ago was traumatic for both me and my dentist. Not because I'm the type who punches and kicks at dentists randomly, but because I get so anxious I just start crying. I think going for super-regular cleanings have helped quite a bit in this regard. Hopefully they'll help me not have to get more fillings!
Well, now that I've shared the boring random parts of my life with an audience, I'm off to write the good stuff in private.

in the new year

Greetings all from the year 2009! Things are pretty much the same so far as they were in 2008, except it's pretty effing cold here, -35C last night. I'm trying to prepare for an audition on Thursday, an audition in which I not only have to converse with the AD in FRENCH, but do a cold read in FRENCH, and also sing. Fortunately, my monologue gets to be in English, which can only be considered a good thing. Hopefully our pitiful franglais emails back and forth have adequately prepared the AD for my out-of-practice conversational skills.
Also, I booked an acting gig this month, just a couple days' work for a reading, but it's nice that someone else recognizes my mad acting skillz.
Spent some time visiting the family this giftmas, which was useful in its giving me staggering insights into how my parents shaped my current personal neuroses. Fortunately, the end product of these insights was the realization that not only am I not solely responsible for my relationship with my parents, but also that how my parents choose to treat me has nothing to do with whether or not I am a good/adequate person. Match that with a side of realizing how living with intensely critical people could indeed cause me to constantly doubt myself, and I feel like I've done several year's worth of therapy over the holiday season!

Coming up this year for me:
1) Making myself heard. This vague-sounding resolution has a lot of personal resonance for me, whether it means actually pursuing singing further, writing my solo show, getting my work out there, and generally standing up more for my thoughts and beliefs.
2) Losing another 25 pounds. Which, I might add, I am NOT doing solely for the wedding.
3) Being more positive. Growing up with people who are instantly critical of the world at large has really normalized the rejection of new and exciting things for me. Which, in my line of work, is not optimal. This year, I will try to see the positive before looking for the negative.
4) Writing more. Writing every day, if need be. Doing nothing but bitch isn't really career-advancing.

Annnnd I think that's all the news that is the news so far this year. I'm just going to go work on my french, my monologue, my song, and then curl up with some tea to watch bad television.

full of pea soup and musings

The pea soup was delicious, if a bit filling. It was kind of like eating really runny mashed potatoes. Fortunately, we had herb olive bread to help out. Of course, this is the kind of meal that tends to expand in your stomach, well after you've finished eating. One bowl was more than enough for me, and now I have lots and lots of soup to freeze.

Nano is going well-- I hit 40K today, surprisingly. Once I realize I only have to hit 1600 or so words a day, I tend to have trouble writing more than that... maybe I'm just the kind of person who needs to hit a goal amount every day. Although today I managed to get out close to 4000 words, possibly because I was actually interested in what I was writing. Still not planning to reread it once November is done, though. :)

Tonight I'm going to book our greyhound tickets and hotel for our Canmore trip-- the first of a series of adventures in which we go visit places and leave them with substantial portions of our savings accounts. Plus I am still searching for interesting, non-churchy places to hold the ceremony... right now I've got my eye on an art gallery and a museum, both of which I will probably go and see once we're there. The community theatre is out, sadly, because as much as I would love my rental fee to go towards supporting local arts, I cannot get this guy to email me back for the life of me. And if I'm having this much trouble now... well, I don't really need the stress of dealing with non-contact all year.

I cannot force myself to try on wedding dresses. I mean, I guess I will have to force myself to try on some dresses. Am I in denial? Is it because I am a bad bride who didn't do her excel sheet yet? At least we came up with an invite list... I believe the numbers sit at around 125, including us. But I expect we may have trouble hitting 60, since we are so very out of town for... well, everyone. And 60 is just fine by me!

Can't decide if I should get my pics printed in colour, black and white, or some of each. This is of course, a busywork type of worry, because ultimately, no one is going to reject me because I sent them a colour photo, or vice-versa. Or because my staple is in the wrong place or something like that. I should really try and limit my worrying to things that I can actually change and that matter.

Hopefully in December I will be doing a redraft of Laws of Thermodynamics (my play, not the actual laws), and perhaps starting a solo project. Of course, I have no idea how to write a solo project, the art form that is at perhaps the greatest risk for wankitude or fontrum. But I suppose I could take a Nano approach to it-- if it sucks, continue to write. If it stil sucks, write something else.

Going to go book some tickets and... well, I was going to say start my spreadsheet, but I will probably watch the Colbert Christmas Special instead.

ps - did I ever mention that two of my secret dreams are to record a christmas album and to have a super-lame cheesy christmas special?

Procrastination

Today I am procrastinating. Specifically, I am actively procrastinating-- making lists of things to do without actually having to do anything. Sure, I got out and ran some errands today, managed to resist getting one of the Safeway veggie sandwiches that I love so much, yet are decidedly not on Weight Watchers. I checked the wedding planning list on the Knot (god help me), to assess how far behind I may actually be on doing things. I thought about Christmas, and what everyone should get. I should really be working on my guest list, or getting my Nano-ing out of the way for today.
And yet, I am doing nothing.
It could be that I actually need a mental break from doing things, or worrying about what I'm not doing. It's a strange combination of loneliness and indulgence, being here by myself for the week while J is on tour. But if anything, I'm also reminded that the world continues to move at the same speed, whether I want things to slow down or not.
But it's oddly comforting to have so many things to do that I need to make a list. Which gives me the sense of accomplishing something without really making any decisions or taking action. Obviously, the wedding stuff will sort itself out, once we get down there to see some venues and start spending money (yikes, says my bank account). I just proofed my new headshots, so I should be able to send them out right around the same time I send out my Christmas cards.
As for writing, I'm torn. Start a new project, rewrite old project and send it out into the world? Possible to do both at once?
Fortunately, there are so many medical improv gigs lately, I can't possibly feel like a complete bum.
Still, I should probably start actually checking things off my list, before I start adding more.

oh, poor neglected blog!

I have been away, and busy. At the moment, I'm still planning a wedding, writing a nano-novel (that's nanowrimo, not a very very tiny novel), trying to get my career together. Did I mention that I finally finished that play? I did. My reading was hilariously underattended (as in about 4 people showed up. including me.), yet numerous people I know have said "Oh, I heard your reading went really well!"

Which begs the question: who have you heard this from? And I suggest that the answer is: no one. It is part of the highly sophisticated social code we artists operate under... when you say something like "I heard your reading went really well!", the subtext is often: "I didn't attend your event, but don't want you to feel that I am rejecting you, in case we need favours from each other one day." Or something similar.
Or who knows, maybe the word on the street is that I'm brilliant, and it hasn't gotten back to me yet.

I also picked a photo-- waiting to get the proofs back for my headshot. At which point the plan is to get a shitload of them printed, and to send them out to theatre companies and film agents here in town, with a nice letter saying "Here is my resume and new photo for your files, please hire me/sign me" as the case may be. I like doing administrative work-- I feel confident with it. So at least in this area, the mass mail-out, I can really shine.

Speaking of administration, I finally get to live the day that every little girl dreams of: creating my wedding planning excel spreadsheet. My skills with excel aren't exactly stellar. But I need something to keep track of the budget/guest list/vendors/seating plan for the thing that I'm telling myself is exactly like planning an opening night reception.

While J is on tour, I've also committed to going back on weight watchers. It's not like I've been completely unhealthy lately, but there have been a few things I've let slide. Lack tracking my food. And losing weight. So I'm trying to get back on track before the chocolate season is fully upon us. Which means I reinstated my gym membership (it's been on medical suspension since just before my surgery) and I fully intend to go tomorrow. Even though I find the gym totally intimidating. See what I'm doing there? Already trying to talk myself out of it.

The nano novel is... well, it's really just a writing exercise. I won Nano two years ago, and never looked at my script again. I fully intend to use the same strategy with this one. Surfing the forums, I find it strange to see all the posts from people with "My characters won't do what I want!" or "I saw something online that was discouraging to writers and now I can't write!" or "I've decided to write a novel about alcohol rehab, can anyone tell me what goes on in alcohol rehab?"
OK, I'm being a bit of a jerk here, I mean, maybe this is the only thing some of these folks will write all year. Hell, maybe this is the only major project some of them have ever written. But there's a real syndrome of putting the cart before the horse over there. Like asking about publishing and agents when you're still struggling to get the first 10,000 words out. Or being completely unable to write crap and worry about reading it back and editing later. If Nano reaffirms anything to me, it's that the process itself is not magic. Ideas and inspiration may be a bit magical, but the process itself is pretty straightforward:

You write.
You write a lot of crap.
You write a lot of crap and worry about it later.
Once in a while, things will magically come together through a crazy synchronicity that you should try not to overanalyze.
And, if you don't know much about your subject, either do some research, or make some stuff up. You can always fix it later.

Is that all the news that is the news? I think so. I will try to update once more before the end of the month.

sundry things

Like Cathy, I say "AAAAAACK!" when I realize I haven't updated my blog in a long, long time. Suffice it to say that I am well on the road to a full spinal recovery after my surgery in June, I have finally finished the first draft of my play, and I'm engaged.
So, that's pretty much a recap of the summer and fall right there!

I realized the other day that I own a lot of makeup. But I buy it without a plan-- just picking up a random item here and there, getting it home, and realizing that I have no idea of how to use any of it. My mother doesn't really wear makeup, or do much with her hair, so I didn't really learn any of that at home. And you know how it is in high school/junior high-- some girls just seem to come to it instinctively (besides, those big curling ironed bangs and turquoise eyeliner were in STYLE then). But I just end up feeling like I have the wrong hair, the wrong features, the wrong skin, etc.

I suppose it's a nice change from worrying about what my body looks like. Now I can just concentrate on my FACE and its various flaws. Getting new headshots done will do that to you-- staring into the proofs of 200 nearly-identical photos of your cold, dead eyes.

Fortunately, I do have a bit more of a career plan for myself now, and am working on putting it into action. Well, when I'm not obsessively looking at wedding things. Or trying to write a grant proposal when my collaborator has seriously flaked out on me.

OK I have a few more things to accomplish. See you in another four months! Or more. Or less?

once bitten...

i've never been someone to just get back on the horse. always been a little shy of getting burned the second time, in a variety of situations. but i have to watch myself-- sometimes this attitude can lead to not getting on the horse at all.
classic example-- career anxiety about people not calling me back. yes, this has continued to happen as of late, and with a few people, some of whom surprise me, since i kinda know them in person and all that. and a couple of months ago, i started pursuing representation with an agent. left him a message, no reply. fine, he's busy, whatever. called again, spoke with him, he asked me to send photo/resume. did so. nothing. sent a pleasant follow-up. nothing.
now, wise words say his loss, besides, do you want an agent who can't be bothered to call you? just move on, there's a few shops in town. but now, there's that "what if none of them want me either" vibe running through my head. stupid, i know. but what if none of them do? i mean, i suppose i could move on to agents in c-town, for whatever that's worth. i could keep writing and do my own thing and make other people want to hire me so much that someone would sign me, eventually. i mean, there are options. options that are hard to see when you're faced with the blaring internal FAIL siren.
i really need to practice saying "who cares? who gives a shit?" more.
remind me to practice that.

do you ever find yourself thinking something about yourself, like one of those automatic thoughts like "oh, i'm not good at sports", or "i suck at math", or "i'm socially awkward" or "i can't dance" or whatever, and suddenly realizing "Why do I think that, anyway?" one of those statements that you realize can be traced back to something someone said to you 20 years ago that you for some reason chose not only to believe at the time, but hold on to for the rest of your life? so it just became something about yourself that you accept, regardless as to whether or not that is actually true?

this has been happening to me, as of late. examining the internal dialogue. and thinking "why did i choose to believe that? and why do i still?" i mean, maybe i am good at sports. or math. or socializing. or whatever. just how do i get rid of the crap that i have chosen to internalize?

still trying to figure that one out.

i am still alive

that is the most important piece of news. i had back surgery 3 weeks ago today, which seems to have gone really well. my tape-stitchy things finally dissolved today, and it's nice not to have them still stuck to me. frankly, they were starting to look a little worse for wear. and i have a strange, intermittently numb bum side-cheek, but my doctor tells me this is normal during recovery. and what do i know about orthopedic surgery? nothing, that's what. so immediate plans include mucho rest, many recuperative walks, and physio in a few weeks.
oh, and did i mention i might be doing a dance show next year? so rest up while you can, L4/L5 vertebrae!

apart from that, still working at home, loving that part of it. i love being my own boss and scheduling my own day. and if i feel like working extra hard so i can have an extra day off, then that's cool, because I AM MY BOSS. well, truly my boss is my boss. i suppose I AM MY OWN MIDDLE MANAGEMENT. which is good enough for me.

i admit to having fallen off the weight watchers wagon a bit since the surgery. at first i thought i could let things slide since i was horribly ill and barfy for a few days. not eating much means i can treat myself when i feel better, right? but i have to get back on track. though i realized today if there's one thing that WW has taught me, it must be that i can eat some cake, or some french fries, or chips, or a slurpee on a hot day. i just should not eat them all in one day. that being said, only marginally following the program, i've still lost about 4 pounds since surgery, and i expect it to keep going now that i can actually exercise. and, of course, eat properly. i'm hoping to be about 20 pounds down from my start weight for the fringe, which is totally doable.

but enough about my weight insecurities! let's talk about my career insecurities! which, for once, are in no way related to my weight insecurities!
i'm at this point where i'm trying to strike out on my own, and be more pro-active and all that good crap, putting myself out there, being open to new things (dance show? hmmm?). and i feel like people just ignore me. or don't reply to me. and i realize people are busy, and i'm hardly the only one asking for their time. but i also know that i don't sound like a completely rude idiot on the phone or via email. so why no replies? is it just easier to say nothing than to say "no, thanks"? or am i suffering from a case of "don't you know who i am?" syndrome, which runs rampant in my profession?

sigh. continuing to focus on the positive...

finally, news!

went to see the surgeon today, and it looks like ye olde back will soon be operated on. which is great news! i was so worried that he would say "nope, sorry, nothing i can do", and then i'd be stuck with some damn crap hell leg pain. i don't have any dates yet, but the nurse assured me that since i'm young and my operation is a short one, it should be quite easy to fit me in. so at least i'm young somewhere! personally, i hope that it's scheduled before the end of june, for the obvious reasons of not being in pain any longer than i have to, and because it looks like i'll be doing a fringe show this year. so i need to heal up in time for rehearsals.
a fringe show? me, who is chronically fringe-unemployed, and even contemplating leaving the biz a short time ago?
strange how things work out, no?
i suppose i'm trying to find a way of satisfying myself with my work. it's hard not to feel like the kid picked last, or to feel like i'm being ignored by the community. because generally i'm being ignored, i think. not because my work sucks, but because the nature of the beast is to be self-centered. which goes for me, too. so the only way to be happy is to make myself happy and define success for myself. this just occurred to me as i was hearing all these details about the readings i'm a part of, how one of my actors dropped out, how i don't know who's directing, how there are apparently contracts that no one has contacted me about.... and so on. i guess in a way i don't really care any more. it'll be nice, and probably inspiring to hear it read in rehearsal, but i don't expect much from the read itself. the read is really being done out of obligation, i think, and i'll take it for the resume credit, but i'm not putting my life on the line for it.
good god, american idol is terrible this year. that creepy younger david is going to make the worst albums. i mean, album.
yikes!

tomorrow is today

so. things are looking slightly better today. things really haven't changed, but i'm feeling slightly less melty-downy about everything.
it's raining here. i did have to leave work early due to back issues (specifically, a disc that felt like it was about to explode out of my spine), so i did the rest of my work from the comfort of a firm flat surface. it looks like it may be an evening of lying flat and not moving too much. but another shot at acupuncture tomorrow, hopefully it makes things better for the weekend.
only a week and a half till i see the surgeon.
i'm itching to start some new knitting. i'm thinking a pair of socks, one of the many i have stored on ravelry. although i do have the wool for SNB's Fairly Easy Fair Isle. nothing like a nice wooly cardigan to start the summer off right!
i also want to buy a keyboard. the piano kind, not the typing kind. i don't know how fancy to go. my ideal is to have something full-sized with weighted keys, but i have a feeling that would be out of my price range. whatever it is, it will be an early birthday present/treat for being a good girl and making lots of cash this summer. along with all the other things i will treat myself to.
maybe i should start working on LOTD on my morning commute? force myself to write on the bus?
hmmph.

> or = fail?

today has been a real pisser of a day. they say it's the little things that add up, but sometimes the big things add up, too.
i have a mystery eye problem. just a really sore, red eye. at first i thought i had conjunctivitis, (btw, unless you really, really need to know, you should never search for "eye problems" or any related search online. i can't even fathom what would have happened had i used Google Images.) but it's really on one side of one eye. it seems to be slowly getting better, but if it's not really improved by tomorrow, i shall be heading to the medicentre.
en tout cas.
so i have kind of a squidgy looking eye, and i have to wear my glasses (well, i elected to wear them, since i thought it would be kinder to my poor eyeball), which i kind of hate doing. and i dragged my ass to work this morning, where i discovered that since i had to leave early and needed to get my work done quickly, that my keyboard had lost its mind. like when you type, it randomly skips back to the beginning of lines, inserts characters, toggles in and out of caps lock and numeric lock. it's like the keys have been... switched around, somehow. except not consistently. needless to say, i didn't get a lot done.
so i headed to acupuncture, which ... didn't really work today. which sucks. and i have to say i'm tired of talking about my back and how it's going, and do i think i'll need surgery, and how much it must suck, and how other people are sad that it isn't getting better, etc, etc, etc.
came home, prepared to do some work, and just realized that i feel like i'm pretty disappointing to a lot of people. not because of my eye, not because of my keyboard, or acupuncture. but i just feel like a big disappointment. to myself, especially. and i feel like i'm incapable of expressing myself (hilarious, if you think about how much bitching i do here. and that's just on the internet!).
i feel like i have potential, like all i am is potential, sometimes. but eventually, you really need to get to the actual. or actualizing.
something like that. is it that i'm not accomplishing enough? is it that i need to be happy with said accomplishments? do i really just need to chill?
Yes...?
but it's all been building up and i'm feeling frustrated and blocked and all those other things that i'm sure will be somewhat more manageable once tomorrow gets here.
back to watching the primary results. ew, hillary.

I would just like to say...

that in re-reading old posts, i have discovered two things: one, i used to be a lot cooler. at least on my blog. i made more of an effort. i should get back to doing that again.

two:
here is something i wrote nearly FOUR YEARS ago, which is a far more eloquent expression of some of the things in LOTD than I have achieved as of late:
{snipped blathering on about how the world may end, various theories, etc.}

"there are theories that suggest that all possible outcomes may happen, may have happened, in several times, in parallel dimensions. where every possible choice we could have made is being made. where the world is ending, has ended, is just beginning.

in these dimensions, these other times, these phantom lives, if they exist, the universe still continues to expand in its own time, with all its components drifting farther and farther apart. a yearning, rootless state, we are constant travellers all, satellites without orbit, forever trying to bring order to a world that slips through our grasp as quickly as we can attempt to comprehend it."


WHAT?

WHAT?
part of me says "YES. All things are happening, have happened, will happen. Farewell, hello, farewell, hello, and so on."
Part of me is enamored with the idea of phantom lives, and us as rootless, constant travellers.

A smaller part of me says "Secretly, you have always wanted to rip off Possible Worlds".

And some other part of me says "This is and is not your play."

But isn't it strange how this very theme has been floating through my mind for so long?
I could almost get excited about this again...

Fun on a Wednesday night.

Well, J. is in Ottawa for the day, doing some gig that pays lots o cash and also gets you flown to Ottawa and put up in a hotel. Me, I'm sitting here in a quiet house, exhausted from doing my list of all the little things I had been putting off, and wishing to God there was something on television. I mean, seriously. Every single thing on television tonight is a repeat. Like "Shopping Bags" everything (it was the yoga ball testing episode, btw). I'm seeking refuge from sitting in front of the computer editing things. Yet here I am, surfing the net. Something I never do during the day anymore. Which is hilarious, because at my last job I was constantly checking my email and updating facebook. I guess that's what happens when people ask me to use my thinker.
The job is going well, I think. There was a day of failure when I got many, many notes on my dialogue, but I seem to be living up to expectations once again. But it's going to be really, really hard work getting stuff done on deadline. A punishing schedule, in fact. Fortunately, the free food and no dress code make up for that. Not to mention getting to do some work at home.
What are the things I should be doing?

Writing a play: I don't know anymore if it's cowardice, lack of creativity, or mere lack of time that's preventing me from coming up with the ending to LOTD. The great thing is that I have a workshop and reading coming up at the end of May, and I'm getting a little pressure to request funding for extra workshop hours from another source. I don't know if this is so the actors can get paid for full days, or what, but seeing as how I'm not going to have time for rewrites between days, I don't see the sense in reading the same 40 pages over and over for a full day. I'm really in it for the public reading... and if only three people come to this reading, attendance of this play will be up 300% from the last time! Now that's a statistic I can put on my resume!
I'll get around to it. If nothing else, editing dialogue has already got me thinking about how to tighten up my own.

Setting up my sewing machine and sewing something: this is pretty self-explanatory. I just need to thread the machine. And then make something. Anything.

Meal planning: WW is a little difficult if you don't plan what you're going to eat. Or at least for me, it is. I need to be a little more prepared than I've been this week. That way I won't get all grouchy and low-blood-sugary.

Have I mentioned I hate being a grown-up? I realized this as I paid all my bills, filed my taxes, AND paid my taxes today.
Seriously. An infomercial I haven't seen 4000 times before. Anything. Give me a break, television!

speaking of vegetarian...

i became a little sad tonight realizing that i won't be eating any of those coke-bottle-gummies any more. i mean, not that i'm allergic to said gummies, or that bad men are preventing me from eating them. but they contain gelatin, clearly not vegetarian, and thus i will choose not to eat them.
they were my very favourite of all the gummy products, though. i hadn't thought of them until J bought a giant vat of said gummies. they're sitting on top of the fridge, next to an enormous box of junior mints (another gelatin product, i'm sad to say).
of course, the food obsession could be due to my joining WW and my subsequent resistance of treats over the last couple of weeks.
could i have become treat-resistant?

the requisite update

so i'm not so good at the daily blog yet. but there are new things, and some things that are not so new, but are still with me.
the newest of the new is that i have a wondrous new gig, editing dialogue for voice-over for a video game company. which is fabulous and perplexing and a little scary. but also lucrative and temporary. so i've decided that due to extraordinary opportunity, i will put off the rest of my grant time until september, when i can resume my regular schedule, and then be happily unemployed until 2009.
fortunately, i get to do a lot of my work at home because i am so gimped out with my back, so i plan to work in some writing and crafting time as part of a balanced mental life.
speaking of my back, i am feeling very stuck and frustrated with it. i hate having to plan my daily excursions. i hate not being able to do things like just randomly go shopping, because i can't walk around long enough to do any browsing. i hate losing sleep and walking like an old lady.
not that i feel overjoyed at the prospect of back surgery, mind you. but it seems like all signs are pointing to "yes" in that regard. i'll know more when i visit the surgeon in May.
maybe because i'm feeling so stuck in general, my "change your life completely" fantasies are taking hold. go back to school for something unrelated? why not? consider becoming a cabaret singer? sure! masters in history? couldn't be any less useful than my undergrad! how about nursing school? or becoming a flight attendant?
and so on. i don't think it's just the prospect of success and accomplishing something that makes my mind wander in this direction. i've always been one to fantasize about having a bunch of different careers. maybe that's why acting and writing works out after all, since i get to have enough of a taste of many different worlds. and the taste is the interesting part of those worlds. none of the annoying, petty, unrewarding parts of any of my imaginary alternate careers.
in other good news? well, i do keep up with the morning pages pretty well. it's really astonishing the volume of pages that get written just by committing to doing it every day.
i've started taking vitamins. okay, i've bought some vitamins, and fully intend to start taking them this weekend.
still vegetarian, which is awesome and keeps me somewhat creative in the kitchen.
i'm thinking of writing a solo show. except that i have no idea of how to do it. and i have this nagging feeling that i should really finish writing LOTD before starting something new. but that's a whole other kettle of worms that i won't bitch about here.
i feel like this post is just me blathering on in a somewhat disorganized fashion. let's chalk it up to the lateness of the hour, my lack of sleep, and what is surely some sort of vitamin deficiency, shall we?
cheers,
u/v

life in limbo

did i say i was going to be updating regularly?
basically, my mantra at the start of each day has been "don't get down on yourself, it's only day of this project." i seem to be fooling myself into having it work so far. i've been doing the morning pages from artist's way quite regularly over the last month or so, and am surprised to find how much it helps. one of these days i'll get around to getting the actual book and doing the rest of it, but small steps, etcetera.
had a lovely meeting with kevin kerr today, the lee playwright in residence at the u of a. he digs my play in progress, known as "The Laws of Thermodynamics". and he had some good ideas about process and approaching act two. some of the usual "don't get down on your writing" stuff, and some more practical stuff, in the sense of "start from the end and work backwards and forwards through the act, rather than start at the beginning". a sort of slide rule approach to the play. of course, my understanding of a slide rule is a cool thing that slides back and forth on a horizontal axis. so don't get the impression that i've suddenly gotten all math-friendly here.
but the suggestion immediately clicked for me-- why not start at the moment i know (the ending) and figure out what happened immediately before? (to those of you who have also read the excellent dramaturgy text "Backwards and Forwards", this will seem elementary to you).
and it was that moment of WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?
which are always excellent moments, because it means that a puzzle piece has clunked into place in my mind. and it seems like it's always the most obvious pieces that take the longest to fit.
also, kevin seemed to understand my completely inarticulate approach to discussing my work. i swear, if i could just barf out some polaroids, this would be much easier for me.
in other news?
let's see, apparently i'm going to an orthopedic surgeon instead of a neurosurgeon, but no word on when that will be. soon, i hope. i needs to get back to walking around again! and shopping!
AND, i am contemplating joining an er... organized weight loss program. rhymes with "Blate Blotchers". but just online. i've heard good things, and i figure i can give it a shot for 3 months and see if it works. yes, it's money. but i think spending some cash could give me the impetus to actually stick with something. cheapskate that i am. in fact, i've gone so far as to transfer the money i would spend to my credit card. now i just need to actually do it.
and as soon as i remember to write the email, i'm dropping the fringe this year. i am number 23 on the waiting list, which could be hopeful, but could mean nothing. i'm interested to see the fringe this year, to see if it's a repeat (or an expansion) of the hot mess it was last year. but i'm not sure i should observe said mess whilst worrying about box office and such. so i will continue to do some work.
fortunately, upcoming projects mean i have an excuse to watch some delicious film noir. any suggestions are welcome.

checking in

so here i am, checking in. i just found out that my meeting for tomorrow is cancelled, which is the latest in a series of annoying roadblocks. nothing that i can't overcome, but aggravating nonetheless. i'm struggling with the notion of the fairness of life, meaning that it is inherently unfair, yet i can't quite subdue my raging sense that things should be equal. rather a kindergarten approach to life, i know. am i ever going to get my foot in the door? will i ever get anyone to listen to me? at this point, people aren't even rejecting me or my work. they're just not seeing me/returning my calls/emails at all.
but i am getting things done, whether it's organizational stuff like cleaning out my closets and getting rid of all the clothes that look dumb/are falling apart, and also some preliminary writing stuff done, too. not to mention all the exciting medical improvs that come at this time of year.
in real life health news, still no word about a neurosurgeon appointment. waiting for a call back in that department as well.
i keep thinking i'm taking action in life, but not seeing the equal and opposite reaction promised to me by physics class!

back on track

i'm sure no one is even bothering to check this anymore, my apologies for my lack of posting. but the good news is that i'm currently unemployed, which is what lead me to blogging in the first place. so now with all my free time, i'm sure to be posting update after pointless update as an aid to procrastination!
why am i so excited to be unemployed, you may be asking? i suppose i'm not technically unemployed, more correctly, i'm self-employed-- i got a grant which will pay for my living expenses for the next 5 months or so while i do nothing but write and create theatre stuff. which is exciting and overwhelming at the same time.
my "official" start date is tomorrow, it being the first of the month. i have a lot of ideas, and not a lot of thought on how to organize myself. but it's supposed to be about discovering a process that works for me, so let the discovering begin...? something like that.
i'm trying really hard to keep a positive attitude. as in, not being insanely jealous of others to the point where it impacts my own work. trying not to let my own insecurities play into things. trying to redirect my energy for positive steps forward, rather than focusing on the negative. hopefully i'll discover some kind of process to keep those nagging, neurotic insecurities in line, too.
in other news, i just got back from the doctor about my mri results-- i've been having back problems for what seems like forever, and in january i found out that i have some pretty impressive arthritis damage in my spine-- apparently pretty rare for someone of my age, and my doc sent me to get more scans. it turns out that my sciatica (sounds like an old person's disease, i know) is likely caused by a super-bulging-out disc in my lumbar spine. the upshot of this is that i get an appointment with a neurosurgeon to discuss options.
which is a little eek. but on the other hand, not being able to walk for more than about 10 minutes at a time is negatively impacting my life. to say the least. and like my doc said, i can at least wait to get a surgical opinion while trying other things, so if i get better waiting for the consult, then bonus for me. so i'm going to continue on with ye olde acupuncture and herbs and physio and whatever else i can come up with before i let someone get an up-close view of my spine.
now that i have time for me, i'm anticipating having more time to do some cooking and crafting as well. so maybe some pics will find their way here.
i think that's all the news that is the news. today i'm sorting out some financial stuff, and waiting for my last paycheque to come in so i can take care of bills. and i have to buy a new cell phone, my phone finally broke into several pieces. i never thought i would miss it so much, but i do.
so, off to roam the city and do some banking.

some thoughts on why we do what we do

i'm doing a show right now. well, not right now, right now i'm at home lazing around and resting up the old spine to do a show tonight. our first since saturday night, so it may be a bumpy ride.
the show might gently be described as "a broad comedy", and as such, i predicted early on that "theatre people" wouldn't dig it that much. or wouldn't want to admit it, anyway. no lessons to be learned, no deep pondering on the meta-ness of existence. or any of those things that we sometimes think that theatre is supposed to bring us to. really, it's just funny and goofy and a little original. entertainment.
opening night-- two of the glitterati of our theatre community came out for opening. i was fascinated talking to them after. the he, (a comic book fan) i think generally got what we were trying to do. the she, well, it was strange. she said with completely sincere insincerity "oh, good work." except i'm pretty sure she didn't like it at all. and she knew i knew she didn't like it. yet we were talking in the regular code that you probably don't want to get me started on.
in any case, we've gotten some good reviews, great exposure on cbc, since peter b. apparently loved the show... he interviewed us yesterday, and they're probably going to play the scene we did for them a few more times this week. which hopefully will boost ticket sales.
and we've been averaging really good houses. for an independent production right after christmas, we're doing great houses. i'm beginning to have hope that we'll come close to breaking even with this one. so "regular people", if you'll pardon the expression, genuinely like the show. "theatre people" sometimes seem to think they're too good for it. so what's more important? is it peer recognition? because don't i spend plenty of time complaining about how we all sit around patting each other on the back constantly? am i a hypocrite because i still want to be part of the in crowd?
or isn't general public recognition, dollars-and-sense-bums-in-seats recongnition most important? i mean, the people in the audience are people that i have no idea who they are. isn't that the greatest? people i don't know and have no connection to are paying money to see us.
sadly, none of those people will buy us drinks at the bar.
yet.

what the?

hey! it's 2008! and i'm updating my blog!
it will be a brief update, since i am at work and there is much filing to attend to.
Amaze-o-nauts previewed last night, which means opening tonight. I think we've really reached the point of media saturation, with articles in all four papers, and a few different mentions on CBC. So all that remains to be seen is whether or not people will come to the show. I sincerely hope that at least 275 people come and pay me their money, as that way we can pay everyone we owe money to. And perhaps even pay some of the people who worked on it.
At this point, I am pretty exhausted. To say nothing of the sore throat and earache I woke up with this morning, which I'm sure will develop into absolutely nothing. I was looking forward to going home at noon and having a nap before the show, but then realized that I have to do the programs. And by "do the programs", I mean I have to figure out how to lay out the programs to print properly, then email it to the printer, go there before they close, and fold programs for the last hour leading up to my call.
It's always at opening that I get so ridiculously nervous as to be wondering "Why do I do this?" and, more commonly "What are my lines?"
Hopefully tonight goes smoothly. This afternoon I will curl up on the couch and watch my stories as I whip out a program. Then tomorrow (my day off), I am going to the gym and buying lots of vegetarian food. Good Lord, I am craving vegetables. No voice lesson tomorrow, which is probably for the best. And then, once I get through Saturday's 2 show day, I have two glorious days off from the show, which I think has not happened since... October?
Wishing myself a big merde!
c

hello, 2008

well, it's been a year of neglect on the blog front. but i had a novel thought: new year, new resolutions to improve myself. perhaps it isn't a novel thought at all, but i thought i'd jot down a few things i want to accomplish this year:

1. go veg for the month of january, and then see where it leads
2. finish my current plays, specifically The Laws of Thermodynamics
3. start some new plays, make good use of my big fat grant
4. get an agent. do some film/tv work.
5. lose 40 lbs. yikes. it would be nice to have a year that this wasn't on the list.
6. schedule time to write on a regular basis, then follow up
7. work out 6 days a week. mix it up.
8. build and use my idea machine. more on this to follow.
9. BLOG. on a regular basis.
10. do a show of my own.
11. look into musical opportunities and be brave about it.
12. get my etsy store up and running

twelve months, twelve resolutions.

so they say, anway

i read this weekend that people with a lot of unfinished projects are holding onto the past in some subconscious way. naturally, i read this upon googling "how to finish what you start" or something like that, finishing things being a concern as of late. i have a pile of knitting done all but for the blocking, a cardigan that's complete but in pieces, scripts lying around in various states of unfinishedness, and yet, i can't help but look eagerly for new things to start. all the while skipping the last essential step to all other projects. am i holding onto the past? perhaps it's more accurate to say i'm resisting the future a little.
i've never been a terribly adventurous person. another google search (i firmly believe that google searches can solve all personal problems) led me to an article in which the writer was taking an improv class. the article stated that people are of two types: those who are most likely to say "yes" and those who are most likely to say "no". i find myself slipping into the latter category as of late, although the article assured me that folks of either type can be taught to do the opposite of their inclination. it didn't mention if improv classes were necessary.
of course, i realize that the only way to put these things behind me is to finish them once and for all, however they turn out, and then move on to exciting new projects in the future.
the problem is, the finishing is so BORING, sometimes. the idea is the exciting bit. unfortunately, i carry the guilt of not finishing until i man up and do it.
guess what i'm doing when i get home tonight?

continuing to give teh poops

yesterday involved some scary phone call making (i have terrible phone phobia at times, in fact, i am often content to just not answer and pretend not to be home) and some scarier email sending. none of which should truly be scary, but i have grown complacent and afraid of change. but i am crossing things off of the ever-present list, which is good. now most of the things left involve writing of some sort, which is, of course, the easiest thing to procrastinate. i find the secret of a good to-do list is to include some fun things that you don't need to be reminded to do, or things that would make you happy to check off (for example, making cookies is a great thing to "have" to do). the trick is to make sure you don't do all the fun stuff first.
in other news, i am disappointed in the safeway near our house. true, the grocery carts are only $0.25, but they have a distinct lack of ingredients i am looking for. soy cheese? no way! nori sheets? take a hike! tahini? shut the front door!
i'm looking forward to going back to save-on tomorrow to pick up the rest of dinners for the week.
and, 'tis the season for fringe to begin again... after this year's debacle, it will be interesting to see if the major players put their money where their mouths were this summer. what will happen if people just refuse to put shows in? or if the much-lauded "alternative to the alternative" actually happens? should i put in for edmonton? should i just try for saskatoon and winnipeg? and finish off with a lazy weekend in athabasca or somewhere? should i treat edmonton like so much tahini and tell it to bug off?

long time no post!

i'll be honest, i am only posting because i made a to-do list for this week and vowed to myself that i would post on my blog again. i'm going to try and be more faithful to posting. and posting pics. it should be easier now, i'm only working half-days at my crappy job, and i should have lots of time to muse on teh internetz. of course, i should be spending that time writing, or pursuing other things that will make me money and still allow me to remain independent. so as of late, i've been picking up little writing gigs, typing gigs, pretending to be sick for student doctor gigs. hopefully all the money will add up.
of course, i'm sure no one is still reading this.
i pledge to be better in the future!
wait, that sounds awfully familiar...

so how's it going?

am i actually giving a shit these days?
well, yes and no.
at my day job, i got a whole bunch of new responsibilites, which is stressing me out to no end. basically, things they said i wouldn't have to deal with during the first year of training (!) are all being piled on my desk right NOW. i've developed a charming little eyelash twitch that i can only attribute to stress. so when i go home, i basically just want to crash and be brainless. not the optimum writing mentality. i do get some stuff done, and i'm knitting my piece for the knitting show (which hopefully we will hear back about soon). but it's been rough going so far. i've decided to try and use my lunch hours to do some writing, not only to make my deadline, but also to make use of when i still have reasonable brain function during the day.
other than that, things are per normal around here. getting settled into the new house, still having to unpack the scores of books. i haven't even unpacked my cookbooks yet, leaving dinners around here to be pretty boring. i'm hoping this weekend to get some of that taken care of. i always work better in an organized environment.

Dear Global Morning News

Just to let you know, although it may be the Dalai Lama's birthday, he has probably heard the "Hello Dalai" joke. also, he is more than "Richard Gere's best friend". But I don't mean in a "more than friends" way, like your mention of Sarah Bernhard's theatrical pursuits.
Keep up the great editorializing of the news,

Catherine

whining on monday morning

i refuse to become unmotivated, but it is hard not to lapse into laziness. perhaps because it's monday, perhaps it's because i got bitten on the face by a huge mosquito this morning on my way to work. maybe it's just that everything is so hot and muggy and gross here and no thunderstorms are in sight.
i know i've written about this before, but every so often, i get tired of the whole social-friendy-friend game. realizing that i have a lingering insecurity from a childhood of nerdiness and outcastation, i find myself wondering how many friends i really have.
not that it's a numbers thing or anything. and i don't know if it's unique to the theatre community. but it seems more than other social groupings to have a huge element of clique-ness about it. i know, quelle surprise. or maybe everyone else is best friends with each other but me. could that be it?
i mean, it's not even about how many friends i have. because i have some great friends, a small circle, and that's how i like it. but every so often i think to myself "i really need to be more social", and i try reaching out to people, and am met sometimes with politeness, often with vagueness or nothing at all.
is it wrong, since i'm trying to not care what people think of me, to wonder if people think of me at all? is this just ego-driven spiral into madness?
i mean, i know a fair number of people. i think most of them like me. but i don't think most of them know (or are terribly interested) in what's going on in my life. they wouldn't help me move. or come trim my christmas tree. or visit me in the hospital. or come to me for help in any way.or any number of activities that constitute friendship.
i shouldn't focus on the unfulfilling superficialities. like i said, i have great friends. but i was kind of hoping social games like that would end with high school. now i see it was just a kind of training ground for the rest of life.

the official kickoff!

yes, here i am, really and truly giving a shit about things. i kicked off the year last night by at the very last moment deciding to finish writing and actually submit the dramatic monologue i was piddling with for the alberta anthology competition for cbc. perhaps it will mean an additional $500 and a radio credit, but for now it means i finished something to deadline and sent it to someone to read.
today's project involves some work on my headshot and resume, and sending it off to some people for their files. not exactly stressful, but a good start.
this month's projects include:

*finishing act one of my play for the reading at the end of the month
*doing a synopsis and 15 page script excerpt for the Petro-Can Stage One Series
*going back to the gym
*eating more fruit and vegetables
*trying to grow out my nails
*submitting resume and scripts to folks

and, as always, writing makes it to the top of the list of things i have to do this month. although it really should be things i WILL do this month.

i am so jealous. my sister went to portland for her honeymoon and they got to go to Voodoo Doughnuts.
so jealous!

TYIAGAS

I realize that I've been neglecting my blog for a long, long time. No more funny pictures, none of the witty quips we've all come to expect from teh internets.
But the truth is, I've been feeling ambivalent. Unaccomplished, even. Creatively frustrated. And it makes the mind wander. It also makes the mind wonder "Is this what I should be doing?" Or "What if I actually suck, even though I'm pretty sure I don't, but what if I suck more in the future and I've actually hit my peak right now and am doing nothing about it?"
And the like. It's the kind of thinking that really makes you want to poop or get off the pot. And boy, do I want to poop! Well, metaphorically speaking, that is.
I realize that I will be starting things right away, but for recording purposes, let June 1, 2007 to May 31, 2008 be forever reknowned as THE YEAR I ACTUALLY GAVE A SHIT.
That's right, I'm going to test this theory of mine. That being, if one is content to sit around and bitch about what everyone else is doing, pretending it doesn't matter, it's relatively easy to fall into inertia and let life (and its ensuing opportunities) pass on by. But I wonder, what would happen if I really, really tried? Like, if this year was a big game of "Yes, let's!" So no more mooning over things I wish I could do. The simpler and more direct solution is to just do things.

So now I've written it down. Ergo, I have to do it, right? A one-year commitment to really, really trying and working hard. At my career, creative things, just life in general. No more of this half-assing and bitching and moaning. Perhaps I will have more adventures and be less wallflower-y. Perhaps it will jumpstart great things for me. Perhaps I will realize that this was a horrible idea and decide to go to law school in a year. Who knows?

Please join me in welcoming THE YEAR I ACTUALLY GAVE A SHIT.

I like that it being in June nicely bookends the year with my birthday, too.

home, sweet home

well, not quite.
there is much unpacking left to do. and, in spite returning to the old place this morning to scrape revolting gunk off of the stove burners (not to mention a strange encrusted ectoplasm on the bottom of the spice cabinet), a shortage of paper towels has caused me to decide to return tomorrow to finish up washing the floors. note to self: do a massive clean more often than once a year in new house.
but, i am quite proud for FINALLY figuring out what was up with the internet connection. so now i'm happily sitting in front of the tv, perusing Crackbook.
hopefully this will mean more frequent updates. but i always say that, don't i?

maybe it's just me...

but is it possible that school shootings might at least be discouraged if the perpetrators weren't quite so glorified in the media? i mean, this morning the headlines about the VA Tech shootings read "Satan's Manifesto" and "Portrait of a Killer". plus CNN and everyone else is showing clips of this guy's press kit 29 hours a day.
i can't help feeling that this is giving him exactly what he wanted. a way to be famous (well, infamous), and go out in a blaze of glory and have everyone talking about him for days on end. picture flashed on the news, on the front of the newspaper, and i'm sure on a whole lot of magazine covers next week.
wouldn't it be great if we didn't glorify stuff like this. or instead of reporting things that sound like movie titles, if Dateline opened with:
"I'm Stone Phillips, and tonight we are profiling the ultimate douchebag..."
or for a magazine article:
"Small-dicked guy proves himself to be total tool."
i know it won't happen.
but i really think that we shouldn't show any pictures of this guy. or anyone like him. why make him famous? screw people's "curiosity".
and don't even get me started on how "artistic" is becoming the new trenchcoat mafia.

5 calls and counting

all to move my telephone.
so far, they have done the wrong thing, corrected it for the wrong date, and now are insistent on moving my phone on friday, despite that i keep asking for monday. the first girl who called me back assured me that they were "putting a rush" on it to be moved friday. then, the guy i spoke with last said he would "try" to move it for monday instead, and that he'd let whoever was in charge of correcting such things know that it was "kind of a hurry thing" that it be changed from friday to monday.

i can't quite believe i used to work for these people.
also, what i would have done would have been to cancel the whole order and reissue it correctly. hence the customer not having to call back 234 times.
fortunately, this has decided me-- i am keeping my isp the same after i move and not changing to the evil Smelus.

as far as the move goes, i can't quite believe it's coming up on saturday. instead of being at work, i would rather be home having 3,465 panic attacks about moving. but instead i must wait out my time here and then go home and pack.

i am going crazy at my job. if the lady sitting next to me says "aw, shoot" or "aw,shucks" one more time, i may scream.
tomorrow i will try and keep a count of these utterances, just so you can all imagine what it's like to work here.

what a terrible blogger am i!

it's really true.
at the moment, i am working. packing. cleaning. getting ready to move into a new house soon, with all the fun that entails.
i am being boring. and fooling around instead of writing.
fear not, change is on the way.
also, i'm looking for a new email addy, since i'm dumping my current isp at the end of the month.
but all the good ones are taken!
any suggestions for snazzy new nicks will be welcomed.
anyway, back to the grind, and then it's back to the dentist to let him grind my teeth.
i will post more frequently, more amusingly.
when i'm not on facebook.
this is my resolution to you, the internetz!

excerpts of a conversation between two guys on my bus, who i later discovered live in my building

"you know what it should be called--it should be called the Institute for Wild Pasts and Morally Reprehensible Decisions"

"That's where your drunk friend comes in."

"And then dude bites me on the shoulderblade."

"It's not like we're in officially committed relationships. Not really."

"So... do we shake it or glaze it?"

how to get paid without really trying

i work in an office. that's probably enough said right there. but let me continue. i do payroll. i get a lot of comments on how i'm really quiet, and how i'm "so relaxed". i think this is in reference to the fact that people keep coming up to me and saying "do you want some more time sheets to enter?", and i always say "yeah, sure." i mean, face it: this job is an endless stream of incoming paper to process. there will always be more. even when we finish this week's cheques, more will come in next week. so of course i'm going to say "yeah, sure." it gives me something to do.
besides, i'm nosey. you can speculate a lot about how peoples' lives are going by their time sheets. so there i sit, mindlessly typing and making up stories about people i don't know based on how many dentist's appointments they had last month.
it's a living.
we have special leave for going to a funeral, and when people use this code, they always have to make a note about why they left. not in terms of why they chose to go to that particular funeral (thought that might make even more interesting speculation), but who the funeral was for. usually, anyway. today i ran into a spate of folks who put the time they left, and in brackets, "(mourner)". like there's a lot of different roles they could be playing at the funeral. i suppose they could put "minister" or "eulogist" or even "caterer". but "mourner"? i mean, i assume if you're going to the funeral, you qualify as a mourner. there's really only two classifications here: "mourner", and "the departed". i haven't seen anyone put that in yet.
imagine, getting paid for being at your own funeral?
that's the life for me.

an update

well, the job is pretty much what i expected-- very, very boring and mathematical. i finally decided to stick it out, with the hopes of getting my student loan under $5000 by the end of the year, and my credit card paid off to boot. it's going to be a very lean year for me.
writing is... research at the moment. i'm trying to stay away from very mathematical books, since i'm not writing a treatise on quantum physics here, just trying to get some ideas and inspiration so i know what i'm talking about. already, people think i'm a bit strange at work for spending my lunch hour reading "the universe next door". perhaps i should have started with "physics for dummies" (don't laugh, it's sitting on my coffee table even now).
the good thing is that work is educational! for example, i learned about the titanic today.
a woman who sits across from me is fascinated by the titanic. she was talking about this, and the woman next to her says "i remember a line from a movie... 'this boat is so incredible that not even god himself could sink it'... some people believe that's the REAL reason the titanic sank."
and all this time i thought it was an iceberg. but apparently god took up the challenge and drove that thing to the bottom of the ocean. of course, i suppose god could be working through icebergs.
perhaps tomorrow i'll mention how fascinated i am by dinosaurs and see what kind of response i get.

progress

a wise, wise friend of mine recently told me "just figure out what you want, specifically, and line up things in your life to get there."
so i suppose i am making progress towards those ends...
yes, 4 to 6pm today is my writing time. i decided before i got out of bed that i was just going to write a scene and see what happens. an experiment, if you will. that, and i won't have to give up any precious sunday evening cartoons while fretting about not having written enough yet.
also, i bought some lunch things for work this week. (i can't believe i am working starting tomorrow). salad, whole wheat turkey/cream cheese wraps and carrot sticks. and healthy granola bars. of course, i may not be able to eat them with my bento's chopsticks, but that's beside the point.
plus, i even bought myself some work clothes.
less progress in the smoking department, but i have managed to cut down quite a bit.
also, i have an idea that could have improved snakes on a plane immeasurably. it could have been done with the same script, same everything (well, i would have preferred fewer CGI snakes), but it would have been awesome to have the various people who were attacked and instantly died (how fun would it have been to shoot people's death-by-snake scenes day after day?) to be celebrity cameos. like, we suddenly realize that the person with a snake sticking out of their EYE is BETTY WHITE! or LIZA MINELLI! but then we never see them again. that would truly have been awesome.
and, please stop watching Masters of Horror, until they start making good ones again. i actually have an idea for one, but it must remain secret...

a day of being a grownup

today was a day of taking care of things that i prefer to push aside. i don't know if it's this %$#& insomnia, or if it's the state of hanging out at home all day, but i've been slightly grumpy. smoking again. biting my nails down to the quick. procrastinating. not picking up the Standard British Dialect cd waiting for me at the library. (hey, maybe my new hobby could be learning various accents! hello one woman show on the complete history of europe!)
so today, i sucked it up. called the job i was unsure about, and told them i'd accept. so i can look forward to 10 months of mind-numbing data entry and payroll files. but on the plus side, i will have money. and we can find a new, cheaper apartment. and i can pay my credit card and my student loan. and perhaps save to do a play of my very own next fall, screw people if they don't come. so these are all good things.
i am going to stop buying cigarettes after i finish this pack. made harder by the fact that j is still smoking, but a giant bag of lollipops costs less than cigarettes. and the money i save from cigarettes, i can plow into singing lessons and student loan payments equally. multitasking and goal accomplishment!
the other bonus of the job is it seems i will have BENEFITS. say it with me, folks. really roll your tongue around it. luxuriate in it. BEEEEEENNNNNNNEEEEFFFFFIIIITTTTSSSSSS. and those will pay for the dentist appointment i finally made today. and as stressed as i am about going to the dentist, it can be in no way as stressful as making the appointment. not due to anxiety, just being put on hold by various receptionists searching for an appointment before may 4.
and i'm going to get my hair cut and coloured tomorrow. perhaps i will buy some grown-up work clothes on thursday. and then, on monday, i begin work again.
it's a little hard to jump back in feet first to the land of grown-ups. but i have my $115 cell phone bill to propel me.