Dazed and confused

I've been feeling lost, as of late. Actually, I think I've been feeling lost for a while.

I was thinking the other night, how a few short years ago, I took this workshop, and during the workshop I created this neat little solo piece that was a little weird, a little creepy, but very me. (On another note, I realize that I seem to write a lot about people's interaction with inanimate objects, and them imbuing them with human personality traits-- is that called anthropomorphizing?) Anyway, I later took that piece and performed it at a solo festival in another city. Like, a city in which I didn't live, just traveled down there by myself and had a bunch of strangers show up to see my work. Then later that same year, I wrote a show that was produced at the Fringe. Another kind of weird, kind of creepy, kind of very me show. And the sad thing is that I have no idea now how I had the courage to do either of those things. I mean, it gives me heart palpitations just to imagine it.

Somewhere along the way, I seem to have gotten very caught up in worrying what other people will think, that I'm somehow going to fail. Or getting very jealous of what other people are doing, and how they're so much more successful than me, and feeling inferior. And again, feeling that I have failed, am failing, will fail. And I want to quit.

I don't know if wanting to quit is really wanting to quit in a real sense, I can't really imagine any kind of plan B. And at the same time, I feel like I haven't tried hard enough to quit yet. Like quitting would be failing, but trying is not, whether it gets me any further or not.

So I'm feeling a little trapped at the moment. Not sure how to get out from under the thumb of insecurity, not really sure how "fake it till you make it" is actually going to help in this instance. I'm trying to have a burst of productivity-- submitting plays, networking about acting opportunities, looking into producing my own little webisodes. Trying to find indie film auditions. Stuff like that.

I'm trying to make a list of "you can't quit until..." things. Things that I absolutely feel I have to try before I can quit in good conscience. Because I have a feeling I don't really want to quit. I have a feeling that I might just be feeling defeated right now, and quitting altogether would be doing myself a disservice. So please don't comment with the "if you're having any doubts, you should just quit the biz, because it's only going to get harder" bullshit. Everyone has doubts. The biz by its very nature attracts people who are vulnerable, insecure, sometimes a little hyperdramatic about their lives. The nature of the beast, as it were.

Here's what I have so far. Don't laugh. Actually, laugh if you want, because I'm going to do it anyway.
1) Write and produce a solo show.
2) Put together and perform a cabaret.
3) Make a short film.
4) Write a screenplay.
5) Get some webisodes out there.

Any suggestions? I'll try to add to the list as I come up with more.