Come On, Get Down With The Sickness...

Last night, between work and Value Village, I remember thinking "Hmmm. My throat is a little sore." Sometime between then and going to bed, I got the mother of all sore throats, a cough, some stomach ickiness, and so on.
Of course, this morning, I woke up with absolutely no voice. Curses! So I called in sick to Job #2, and hung out in bed all day, desperately willing the scarf I'm wearing to have a curative effect beyond the psychological. Oh, and trying to memorize my sides for tomorrow. And hemming a pair of pants, and making an adjustment to the top I bought last night.
And weighing in.
Yes, I did it. And while I was (as always)outraged that I wasn't suddenly 10 lbs lighter without doing anything, I am going to consider this my new starting number.
175.
Could this be pre-special-woman-time weight? Maybe. Does that matter? It shouldn't, especially if I'm going to stop playing mind games with myself about it. And it's a far cry from my all-time adult high of 235 (which I was also outraged to find out about, especially after catching sight of myself in a store window and not recognizing myself. "Why didn't anyone tell me?" I raged to myself.)

Tomorrow after my audition (send good vibes at around noon MST, please!), I'm going for some gluten-free goodness at the grocery store. It's funny how that five to seven minute slot really weighs over my whole day. I mean, it's what I really want to be doing, it is. I've gone through the whole examining-my-pathos career stuff. And I keep coming to the conclusion that I'm a creative person, specifically a performer and writer. And somehow I've just gotten it in my head that I shouldn't put myself out there, because I'm not... something.

So begone, doubts! And laryngitis! Tomorrow I get to act for some people. If only for five to seven minutes.

Back to real life, and Audition #2

So here I am, back at work (Job #2, to be specific), and it's cold and a little snowy outside. I'm just beginning to discover that my house does not, in fact, have a swim-up bar or a buffet. And I'm back to getting up early and slogging to work.

While I was leisurely perusing my emails yesterday (still haven't managed to escape the email lists of all the wedding vendors), I noticed that an email my agent had sent me had an attachment that didn't look like an attachment. And what I mean by this is: sometimes for non-union or non-paying gigs (something you'd do for resume credit and experience), she'll send out breakdowns for us to submit ourselves to. Usually stuff like student films and the like. Which is what I thought this particular email was. But when I clicked the unnoticed attachment, I saw that it was actually a schedule for Saturday, with my name smack in the middle of the day.

It seems she'd submitted me for an industrial, and they've asked to see me. Unfortunately, Job #1 had scheduled me all day Saturday. Much frantic facebooking later, I managed to find someone to cover my shift, and now I have two more things on my list of things to do:

1) head to Value Village on my way home to find something smart and businesslike in camera-friendly colours (all my work-ish clothes are black or crazy patterns, a no-no for camera)
2) memorize my sides for Saturday morning

See? Just when I start giving up, life throws me a bone. Thanks, life!

It just so happens that last night I was reading The Actor's Voice, which is a terrific weekly column by Bonnie Gillespie--she's an actor turned casting director, and she has great perspective for actors. This week's column is about doubt, and she poses the question "What would you do if you knew you could not fail?"

Which is a simple enough, hippie-granola-ish question. But I know that my list of things would probably be quite long. The threat of failure is an embarrassingly huge influence in my life. And Bonnie suggests that I consider letting my doubts go, whether I'm using them to protect myself, using them as an excuse to not really go for it, whatever. I don't even know what I doubt, exactly. Something I'll have to examine further, I suppose.

OK, finishing some work, planning some menus, and hoping some other size 12/14 woman has discarded the perfect outfit!

Choosing differently...?

Hello friends and neighbours!
Thanks to all who've commented on previous posts lately-- I love knowing that someone's reading.
Jamaica was fabulous and relaxing and lazy. We had a great time not doing anything. I do have some rather boring pictures of the resort and the ocean, which I will eventually perhaps even post.
I must confess-- I'm not a huge picture taker. I think it may come from growing up before digital cameras, but taking pictures isn't something that immediately occurs to me. Which is strange, because I'd say I'm a very visual person. I'm going to try to get better at documenting things with pictures. Which brings me to the subject of this post...

choosing to do things differently.

I'm a creature of habit, I freely admit. I like getting stuck in my little comfortable ruts, and I get anxious about change. About trying and failing, about doing things wrong. But eventually the rut gets more tedious than comforting, and I'm confronted with the fact that for things to change, I have to make different choices in life. Possibly scarier, choices. Taking risks. And so on.

I'm excited to start my cleanse on Monday, heading out to get some vegan essentials this weekend. (And gluten-free--- eek!) But I know that to achieve what I want, I have to actually step up and claim it. Like change how I eat, commit to exercising, get those new headshots, put myself out there. I feel like I'm surrounded by so many fearless people, it gets me down sometimes. Or maybe they're not fearless at all, but they've figured out how to get out and do it anyway.

How does that happen? Do you train yourself to be brave? Just do stuff before your brain gets in the way? Is it an innate ability, or something you can learn?

Speaking of, in a roundabout way, I actually sang in a piano bar in Jamaica. And it wasn't as bad as I thought. Mind you, i was a little bit drunk at the time, so that probably helped. A little.

PS- I haven't weighed yet. I figure I'm going to let things settle down for a couple of days (not drinking a lot of rum-based girly drinks may help) and weigh in on my usual Friday.

Ba da da da da da da... feelin' pudgy...

It's kind of like feelin' groovy, only less pleasant.
Well, today I weighed in. And the news is not good, my friends. Today I am at 174. 174! How is it possible to gain 5 pounds in a week? I haven't been eating THAT much. I didn't think so, anyway. I mean, realistically, that's 3500 calories per pound... umm... 17,500 calories over and above the calories I need just to maintain? That's a lot of food. Could it be the massive amounts of salt I've been eating? Not enough water? Hormonal stuff? Not enough fibre?

Many, many possibilities here. And so, friends and neighbors, we come to a subject that is known to weight strugglers, but perhaps not to the lifelong skinnies. It's a terrible world of mathematics and rationalization (and irrationality) and it's known as

REAL WEIGHT vs. NOT-REAL WEIGHT.

At the risk of sounding crazy, let me explain. Real weight is... well, real weight. You gain it from eating too much food, usually over a longer period of time than a couple of day. Not-real weight is the water weight, the special-ladies'-moontime bloat. I could sit down and try and assign the weight gain (1 lb to real weight, 2 lbs to water weight, etc.), and believe me, there have been times I've obsessed over stuff like that. If you don't already obsess about that stuff, don't start. It will make you crazy and a little miserable with yourself.

Of course, I'm going on an all-inclusive, buffet-laden, booze-ridden holiday next week. And it's going to be hot, so I'm going to have to wear some summer clothes, and a bathing suit. I'm going to try and eat light until we leave Tuesday, and have fun but not pig out next week. And then get back on track when I get back to real life.

Off to drink some more water now...

Well, that was anti-climactic...

So I went down to the blood donor clinic after work today... everyone was super nice, and I answered all the questions and sat in the chair squeezing the little rubber ball... and then... BLAMMO! the nurse totally missed my vein. Which sucked. And they couldn't find another one in my other arm. So they sent me home.
Lame!
I guess I could have taken a cookie anyway, but I didn't. The good news is that there's only a couple of places to visit in Jamaica that would preclude you from donating blood, so I'm going to load up on water and try again when I get back.

I was all set to write this meaningful post about food and vegetarianism, but instead this is a short, meaningless post about my crappy veins.

Oh, but speaking of vegetarianism, I did find out that I'm not anemic. Not that the two go hand in hand (I've actually known plenty of anemic meat-eaters), but I was a little curious about whether I actually eat enough iron.

Most boring post ever!

Another Blog Post For January!

I know! I'm on a roll here. I'm going to count this as writing, if only because it clears my brain of all the crap that clutters it up.

So I'm assuming a no go on that film. Which is-- well, it's whatever, because you never know why someone didn't hire you. It could be that I looked too old, or too fat, or they found an asian lady to play the grandmother part, or they decided to give the part to their friend after all. Them's the breaks, as the saying goes.

But I've been thinking a lot about my mere 25 pounds to go (or possibly a mere 30 pounds, depending on how 25 pounds from now looks). What's so hard about 25 pounds? I mean, I checked out Biggest Loser tonight, and there were people who needed to lose 200, 300 pounds to get to their goal. In the grand scheme of things, 25 pounds (or 30 pounds, as the case may be) isn't that much. But the thing I wonder is: Am I more afraid of succeeding than failing? Because let's face it, I know how to be overweight. I know how to be pleasantly plump, a little chubby, a two-sandwich girl, I even know how to be obese. And I know how handy an excuse it can be.

They would have cast me if I was 20 pounds lighter.

I'd be more successful if I wore a size 8.

I'd be braver if I was thinner.

But what if that isn't true? What if I do reach goal, and nothing changes? Still not booking auditions, still not brave enough to put my own stuff out there, still spending a season being ignored?

What if it isn't my weight? What if they just don't want me?
And that, my friends, is a little scary. Because what if I let my best excuse go, and I have to face up to not being good enough (or castable, or successful, or what have you) for no good reason?

And yes, "good enough" is a bad way of putting it. I don't base my value, my self-worth on my career. Or not that much, anyway. But I think some of you will know what I mean.

Because as much as my weight probably hinders me, it protects me, too.
So am I willing to give up my big defense?
I hope so.

In other news, I realized that once I go to Jamaica, I'll be restricted from giving blood for a while. So I figured that I should just get it out of the way before I go. So I'm going to donate blood for the first time tomorrow! Fear of needles be damned, they can have my sweet, sweet b-negative blood!

That's a lot of exclamation points.
!!!

Ho-Hum Monday...

Just when I was getting used to being lazy (and catching up on daytime TV), I find myself back at work. Both jobs today, before heading home to cook up a tofurkey feast that I was going to have yesterday, but then had an emotional meltdown, so I decided it was best not to cook. Emotional meltdown does have lingering aftereffects, but none I want to whine about on teh internetz. Suffice it to say-- who knew nicotine was what was keeping me sane and level?

Yes, I am trying ONCE AGAIN to quit my on-again, off-again affair with cigarettes. Today is day 2.5, and I am looking forward to not wanting to constantly eat eat eat. I don't want to dwell on it at length, perhaps I'll write more once I have some real distance between myself and my quit date.

I postponed tomorrow's voice lesson until after we get back-- sometimes it's good to go work through these things, and sometimes it's best to let things blow over on their own. I think this is one of those "have a pity party for a couple of days" times. Meanwhile, I'm trying to formulate a plan of attack for script submissions. Lunchbox Theatre in Calgary is holding their annual new play submission, and this is the year I will submit! I actually got shortlisted for the Petro Can New Plays program a few years ago, and have had an idea since then that I think would be perfectly commercial and darkly funny. So all I have to do is write the first 15 pages, send it, then live in hope/fear that they ask to see more.

I'm also trying to come up with a list of theatres to submit a couple of plays to-- looking for US and Canada here, people, so please send along any suggestions of theatres you know that produce new plays!

I realized yesterday, in my state of mope-i-tude, that I spend an awful lot of time, energy, and sometimes money on things that just aren't appreciated by their target audience. Somehow I always manage to put myself last, putting off things I really want to do or accomplish for later. I don't know if it's a woman thing, a wanting-to-be-liked thing, or just a lame thing. But I want to stop doing that, in favor of doing things I really want to do! Because, as the hair colour commercial says, I'm worth it!

Some things on my list-- head on down to fabricland, get a membership, some fabric, and make something nice for myself with my poor lonely sewing machine. Donate blood, although I am scared of it. (That's not really doing something for myself, but it's easy to put off inevitably). Buy some new clothes. Get a massage.

If only I could win the lottery for myself, this would make accomplishing this stuff easier!

Welcome, 2010!

Finally, a whole new decade! We had a pretty fun NYE, drinking cocktails from a vintage recipe book, and having an 80's karaoke party in the living room. Basically we got hammered while singing Duran Duran, since we didn't actually get around to having dinner till after midnight. Yesterday was spent being hung over and sleeping. Today was slightly more productive, since I tried to clean up leftover wedding stuff and Christmas stuff-- I always get a little bummed about taking down the Christmas tree, I feel like the wedding really sucked up all my energy this year, and Christmas was suddenly just THERE.

I am looking forward to going to JAMAICA next week, though... sporting my retro pinup girl style bathing suit! Who would have thought I'd get excited to wear a bathing suit?

Speaking of, I have gained a couple of pounds. Well, like 2. And I blame some of it on Special Ladies' Moontime. But the official starting weight this year is 169. There. I said it! I'd like to get down to about 145 before re-evaluating. I think my lowest adult weight was around 130, which I seem to remember being hard to maintain. Of course, I never really exercised during those days, it was more a combination of Slim-Fast shakes and salads. So maybe getting a little yoga in once in a while would get everything a little more toned, and then who cares what the number is?

This may seem counter-productive, but I decided to cancel my online Weight Watchers membership before the next billing. Really, I can follow the Simply Filling/Core program without needing to look stuff up that often. And I can't really afford it, especially since I've been in the same 5-lb plateau for months and months. I think a change is in order. I've heard good things about SparkPeople, and it's also free, which will take a little $ pressure off me.

No gym membership, no WW-- what will become of me? I'm trying not to get stressed about food and stuff before next week-- really, I won't pig out while we're there (though I'm excited that there should be local veggie food!), but I won't sit around counting calories, either. I'm just going to go and have fun, knowing that I'm going to have a good detox once I get back.

Haven't heard back about the film-- giving it one more day before I put it in the "oh well" file.

Script writing is going painfully slowly-- hopefully we'll get a good draft in the can by the end of the month.

That's all the news that is the news! I'm off to make a green curry for dinner. Yum!

Audition #1

So I'm a little early for 2010, but I thought I'd count this one anyway. Had an audition tonight for a student film, which was cool because the director seemed more nervous to direct me than I was to be there. See, I suffer from something I call CAMERA PANIC. As soon as I'm aware that a camera is pointed at me, either still photo or moving pictures, I start to feel... awkward and weird. You know that episode of 30 Rock where Jack is going to be in a sketch and he holds 1 coffee mug in each hand doing this "natural" robotic walk? That's how I feel. Particularly in the facial area.

However, the only way out is through, and that means practice, practice, practice. Because I think I'm actually pretty decent on camera (thank you, freakishly big buggy eyes!), I just have to not be self-conscious.

Come to think of it, a lot of aspects of my life would probably improve if I wasn't self-conscious. But of course if you concentrate on NOT being self-conscious, it only exacerbates the situation. Working on it!

I've been writing every day this week-- although I am rusty and it is painful, I get that horrible guilt feeling if I don't write every day. Although I'm thinking of re-titling this "Exposed: An Expose Wherein Dr. Exposition Explains Everything That Has Happened Up Until This Point". Seriously, this is the most boring play ever. Rewrites are in order. But I can't think about that now, because if I convince myself this is stupid, then I won't finish it. And we're already committed to producing it in May, so... you see how self-consciousness works against me?

I don't know if I got the film or not. They did ask for my availability, but that could mean nothing. Or something. Or nothing.

New Year, New...?

I've never been a huge fan of New Year's for the partying aspect-- but as a solid lover of "to-do" lists, I really dig making plans and resolutions. I know, I know, every day is a chance for a new beginning, but there's something "official" about New Year's-- getting a new daytimer, for example-- that makes it a fresh start.
2009 was a good year for me--hey, I got married and did a school tour, what's to complain about? But I want 2010 to be even better. I want 2010 to be the year that I actually committed to doing stuff. And by stuff I mean:

• finally lose that last 25 pounds
  
• make at least one submission a week (acting or writing-- writing will be focused on out of town submissions)
  
• sing, publicly
  
• book a film/tv job
  
• write more
  
• make a short film. youtube style
  
• blog more
  

See, I could go on and on making a list of things I want to do. But I have plans, big plans for 2010. Once we get back from Jamaica (I think it's a fool's errand to try and lose weight at an all-inclusive), I'm planning to try Kathy Freston's Quantum Wellness Cleanse, and blog about it. Basically, it's 21 days of eating gluten-free vegan, steering clear of refined sugars. I don't know if it's weight-loss friendly, but I think it would really get me back in the groove of eating healthy, and planning out things like protein. Though I do love my gluten. But there's a plan of meditations and such as well, it's all very Oprah. So look out for 21 blog posts from me in the new year.

As far as submissions go, I realized that while I live in a hideously small market for acting, writing basically means you can live anywhere. And a few comments from people recently have made me realize that I write good plays. I've just gotten down on them because I feel like I'm stagnating here. And even if you only submit once a week, at the end of the year, that's 52 submissions. Law of averages, baby! I have a feeling many of those will be play submissions, but I'll try to keep up on acting submissions as well.

Singing? Argh, the great struggle. My teacher is planning a recital for all his theatre-types, many of whom are actors scared of public singing. So at the very least, I'll be singing in front of like-minded people.

It all seems very career-oriented, doesn't it? I guess I could throw out the idea of paying down some debt this year...
I do love resolving, now I have to learn to love putting plans into action.
Happy happy and merry merry, guys!

progress...?

Well, last week I was down three pounds-- gotta love the first week of weight watchers for getting rid of water weight. This week-- no change. Going to keep working the program, I guess, and try to be happy that I'm maintaining. Just cooked up a big batch of tofu scramble for my lunches this week. I tend to get into self-imposed food ruts, eating the same thing for days at a time, for breakfast and lunch. It gets a little boring, but I'm lazy. Also, working two jobs at the moment doesn't leave me with a lot of time or energy to plan fancy-pants lunches.

I took a trip to value village today-- right now I'm a 14, bordering on a 12 in some things. But all the good clothes are in an 8 or 10. Sizes over that are pretty slim pickings-- don't bigger ladies ever get rid of their clothes? Or do skinnier people just buy clothes every week because they're so easy to find? I'm going to have an awesome, cheap wardrobe a few pounds from now.

I've been reading "The War of Art" by Stephen Pressfield, which I would highly recommend to anyone in a creative field, especially anyone who's struggling (and who doesn't struggle from time to time?). It's an easy read, very concise and to the point. He talks a lot about resistance, and there are a couple of concepts that really stuck with me. He talks about the amateur and the professional, not so much in a training/money-making sense, but in the sense of commitment. The basic difference is that the professional is fully committed to the work, not the end product, not defining themselves by their art form, not taking things so personally. But the main difference he defines is that the amateur believes that "if I could just overcome my fear, everything will be fine". Whereas the professional knows that the fear is always there, can never be vanquished completely, but you just have to feel the fear and do it anyway. Which has definitely been a point of contention for me lately.

The other thing that struck me was when he tells a story of writing a screenplay that he really believed in, it being made into a movie he really believed in, only to have it panned and fail. He was feeling depressed, dejected, and negative, when someone told him to stop it, because criticism and potential failure "is the risk you take for being in the arena and not in the stands". Which really hit home for me.

I want to be in the arena. Because I feel like I've been hovering in the stands for a while now.

Anyway, off to tupperware some tofu for tomorrow...

You've got to aaaaaaaccentuate the postive...

Just a quick update for today:
Still working both jobs, though my schedule has gotten a little bit less hectic as of late... fewer 12 hours days, I can handle!

The audition-- I'm pretty sure it was a big NO THANK YOU. But not because I sucked. I thought I did pretty well in my monologue, and decently in the singing (hey, no one stopped me after we passed the "I'ma let you sing long enough to avoid damaging your self-esteem" politeness zone). But I got the distinct feeling that I was not in fact what he was looking for.

It looks like we're going to be taking our honeymoon in January in sunny Jamaica! So looking forward to just relaxing and having drinks for a week. It can't come soon enough as far as I'm concerned.

On the career front... about the same. I applied to Banff, and now just have to wait to hear back from them. I've had interest from another agent, and I'm not sure if I should make the move or not. Like, am I not getting hired because it's me, because it's my agent, because there's kind of nothing happening here right now? Too many variables in the equation.

On that front (and with an impending beach holiday), I'm re-committing to weight watchers. I have about 25 pounds to go to my goal, and I think dropping a couple will make me a lot more marketable. Plus healthier, more confidence, all that good stuff. I'm pretty sure I can't lose 25 in two months, but I'm hoping to be about 10 down by the time we get to the beach. Doable, even during the holiday season?

So I'm trying to remain positive. That includes re-framing my seemingly endless, snide and slightly bitter inner monologue. Why is it so hard to remain positive?

There's a woman who works at the coffee shop I go to before work in the morning who prides herself in remembering her customers' names. Except, she can't remember mine to save her life. Every single day, she guesses a completely wrong name. And it irritates me to no end. I think that it really just triggers some insecurity about being ignored, never being recognized, etc. And, of course... it's just annoying! I've been thinking about giving her a different name every time she asks, since mine never seems to stick. Maybe go through the 90210 roster-- old school, of course. Brenda, Kelly, Donna, Awwwwndrea, Valerie, Emily... even Dylan. Is that mean?

Once I assume the coffee-identity of all the 90210 characters, I can start up Degrassi Jr. High names. All the way with Stephanie Kaye!

The Start of a 60 Hour Week

So I have two jobs-- my customer service job, and a temporary gig editing scripts for a video game. I'm excited to be editing again, although it came about so suddenly that I wasn't able to get out of my csr shifts this week. Hence I am working 12 hours a day pretty much every day this week... hooray? This is the time when a car would definitely come in handy. Fortunately the paycheck will come in handy to pay off wedding bills, regular bills, next term's singing lessons, and quite possibly go toward a beater car.

On the career front, I went to see a play reading yesterday-- cast of 7 men, 1 woman. Isn't that just the way of theatre these days? So many plays about men, directed by men, starring men. I liked the first half, not so much the second half. Which of course, gave me time to think-- I always find that ideas will come to me when I'm watching theatre-- specifically theatre that I don't care for.

I feel like I get fired up easily, but I need to channel that into action. Like get angry at feeling passed over and do something about it, make something happen, rather than getting mopey and bitter about it. The thing is, I'm pretty good at being mopey and bitter-- I need to improve on the action plan part.

So I'm going to apply to the Banff Colony. I'm planning to submit my application on Wednesday, which is my one night off before the deadline. I also made a list of other Canadian theatres which accept script submissions and who have the mandate/budget to do a production of my play. It's clearly time to start looking out of town, starting with Canada, and moving on to the US and other countries if every Canadian theatre company rejects me. Hopefully they won't, but at least I have a plan if they do.

Acting wise, I don't know. I've submitted for a couple of things, but I think I may have to use the out-of-town approach for that,too. I'm trying to think of little, cheap ideas that I can self-produce, to get myself out there. Because ultimately I care less about a select group of people thinking I'm cool than I do about getting my work out there to the public.

Sadly, it's the select group of people who can hire me to do their shows, but since when do I like other people being the boss of me?

brand recognition

Apparently this is something I need to focus on. My brand, that is. After last weekend of extended members of my family telling me about how I'm a stage manager (which I retired from years ago), and the registry lady this morning saying she'd seen my husband in numerous shows and had heard of me... I'm a designer, right? Stage manager? Something else? It becomes clear to me that I need to somehow let people know what I do. I mean, it's great that they've heard of me. But they never seem to know why.

I run into this a lot, actually. My name is familiar to theatregoers, but no one can quite place what I do. Doesn't help that J spent a couple of seasons being quite the darling of the scene here. Everyone's heard of J and his playwriting buddies, but I'm more of a... vague memory somehow.

I suppose I need to get out there. I thought I was trying to, maybe I need to try harder. Or maybe there's only so hard you can try here, maybe I need to try and make a splash in a bigger market.

In any case, self-promotion. Branding. How do I do that, exactly...?

teh guiltz about posting

I have non-posting guilt! I'm sorry for anyone who checked back faithfully, hoping that one day I would return. But I'm back. Again! Does it seem like my blog is continually me making a fresh start and promising to do better? Not that that would be a pattern indicative of other parts of my life, noooo sir.
Well, maybe.
But I have an excuse-- I got married! Last Saturday, in fact, so I'm still high on the fact that I will never have to plan a wedding again! The day was great, and people seemed to appreciate all the little details. A few hiccups, but that's what happens when you throw yourself a ridiculous and expensive party.
But I am so happy to get back to my real life! And that I can walk through malls without having to go through my mental checklist of things-I-still-have-to-buy-for-the-4000-diy-projects-i-thought-would-be-fun-and-romantic-last-year.
Phew!

Upcoming for me:
going back on weight watchers. Yes, I really let that go in the last couple of months. My dress fit perfectly, thankyouverymuch, but now I think I need to get back on track and lose that last 20 lbs or so. so close!

working on my script. Yes, that one. That script that's been floating around town for about a year or so, the one that no one here seems very interested in. But my plan... well, my plan is to get another draft out of that sucker, and to send it out. As in, out of town. To other people and companies, to whom I will no doubt be more interesting, since I will be from out of town. From their perspective.

working on a new script. That's right, we have a production of a play coming up in May, a play that currently exists as a series of images in my mind. best get to stepping on that one, methinks.

solo show? I don't know, it's been in my mind that I should do some sort of cabaret show. All sing-y and such. I know, I know, I'm terrified of singing in public and have only in the very recent past begun to discover my voice again. yet it keeps coming up in my mind. So we'll see where that goes.

Of course, Fringe applications are once again coming up... not sure how I feel about that. The lottery beats me every time, it seems. Plus, there's the question of money... can my credit card withstand another swipe? I feel like I'm just one swipe away from it bursting into flames!

jobs and things

hey again!
doing my best to keep things updated. i've been submitting plays where i can. keeping an eye out for film stuff i could submit to, but things are a little slow here out on the prairies. hopefully it picks up soon, but i'm trying to keep busy and work on other stuff, so i'll at least be in a state of readiness when something starts happening.

i got a job! i'm working part time at the box office for the symphony. everyone is really nice, and for a change, understanding about needing time off to do gigs, since all the box office folk are musicians and dancers and actors. i also may have an opportunity to go back to writing video games, though it's a long shot. my previous editing work there seems to have opened a potential door for a full-time gig there. although getting the job will be another kettle of fish, because there's a huge submission that i have to put together.

i'm doing that film workshop this weekend, had the first session tonight-- kind of a weird vibe in the room, i have to say. a few negative people can really change the tone of any gathering. and, of course, there is the standard hate on for theatre actors. i have no problem discussing the difference between theatre and film acting (they are incredibly different), but when people who don't know the first thing about stage acting start dissing the entire profession... well, i had to say something about that. of course theatre acting looks terrible on film, but believe you me, film acting on stage is just grim death to watch.

i'm going to try to stay positive and forget about the negative folks in class. i mean, i can let the fear of being judged block me, but the truth is, if people are going to judge me, they'll judge me, no matter what i do. i have no control over what other people think. yet, anyway.

off to learn my scene...

Joe Job

So at the moment, I'm unemployed. At first it was a kind of planned unemployment, I was coming off a tour, had some money in my bank account. I intended to luxuriate in my free time, not staying in hotel rooms, not eating Tim Horton's food in the truck, and just relax for about a month. Because I have some mad office skillz, you see, so I figured it would be pretty easy to pick up some office work when I was good and ready.

Not so much, apparently.

You see, contrary to popular beliefs, most actor/writer/artist types aren't raking in the cash from government grants, we don't get paid tons of money even when we are working. We tend to live by picking up little freelance gigs piecemeal, by waiting tables, by typing memos for people and answering their phone. Hence, the Joe Job. The "Real Job" if you're feeling a little less kind.

I've had a lot of joe jobs, mostly in offices. I may be one of the only actors in the world who has never waited tables or worked in food service. Because I somehow got sucked into working in offices right after university, and I highly recommend temping to anyone who asks. No responsibility, a finite time limit that you'll be expected to be there, and people are always impressed when you know the alphabet. The way it works is pretty simple. You sign up with a temp agency. Then someone at the agency, your temp pimp as it were, sends you out on jobs. You show up, do some kind of menial work, and collect a paycheck. Easy peasy!

But not anymore. I went back to my temp agency, and my temp pimp was super excited about it, and I have worked for exactly 5 days in the past month. Things have gotten slow here in oil country. So slow that it's getting hard to get any kind of job. Jobs at malls, fast food jobs, everyone is taking anything they can, because suddenly it's looking pretty bleak.

So where does this leave me? I'd planned to get a second job to pay off some debt and some upcoming wedding debt, even though the prospect of working 7 days a week wasn't exactly thrilling. But right now I'd be happy with any income. Being a supermarket checkout girl, pouring coffee, flipping burgers. And yet, I have also been rejected by all these jobs. Because even though a ton of office jobs look impressive on the resume, people assume that I have no other skills, or they just don't believe I actually want to scoop ice cream for a living.

Actually, scooping ice cream or working at Value Village sound a lot better to me than going to office potlucks, but that could just be me.

In other news, I have been accomplishing some things. Writing some online content articles that are actually going to give me a paycheck this month. Taking the second half of that film class in a couple of weeks. Submitting plays to places. Doing some freelance-y little things. So I can't say that I don't enjoy being my own boss and having free time. I just can't help feeling more and more anxious about my dwindling finances.

Dazed and confused

I've been feeling lost, as of late. Actually, I think I've been feeling lost for a while.

I was thinking the other night, how a few short years ago, I took this workshop, and during the workshop I created this neat little solo piece that was a little weird, a little creepy, but very me. (On another note, I realize that I seem to write a lot about people's interaction with inanimate objects, and them imbuing them with human personality traits-- is that called anthropomorphizing?) Anyway, I later took that piece and performed it at a solo festival in another city. Like, a city in which I didn't live, just traveled down there by myself and had a bunch of strangers show up to see my work. Then later that same year, I wrote a show that was produced at the Fringe. Another kind of weird, kind of creepy, kind of very me show. And the sad thing is that I have no idea now how I had the courage to do either of those things. I mean, it gives me heart palpitations just to imagine it.

Somewhere along the way, I seem to have gotten very caught up in worrying what other people will think, that I'm somehow going to fail. Or getting very jealous of what other people are doing, and how they're so much more successful than me, and feeling inferior. And again, feeling that I have failed, am failing, will fail. And I want to quit.

I don't know if wanting to quit is really wanting to quit in a real sense, I can't really imagine any kind of plan B. And at the same time, I feel like I haven't tried hard enough to quit yet. Like quitting would be failing, but trying is not, whether it gets me any further or not.

So I'm feeling a little trapped at the moment. Not sure how to get out from under the thumb of insecurity, not really sure how "fake it till you make it" is actually going to help in this instance. I'm trying to have a burst of productivity-- submitting plays, networking about acting opportunities, looking into producing my own little webisodes. Trying to find indie film auditions. Stuff like that.

I'm trying to make a list of "you can't quit until..." things. Things that I absolutely feel I have to try before I can quit in good conscience. Because I have a feeling I don't really want to quit. I have a feeling that I might just be feeling defeated right now, and quitting altogether would be doing myself a disservice. So please don't comment with the "if you're having any doubts, you should just quit the biz, because it's only going to get harder" bullshit. Everyone has doubts. The biz by its very nature attracts people who are vulnerable, insecure, sometimes a little hyperdramatic about their lives. The nature of the beast, as it were.

Here's what I have so far. Don't laugh. Actually, laugh if you want, because I'm going to do it anyway.
1) Write and produce a solo show.
2) Put together and perform a cabaret.
3) Make a short film.
4) Write a screenplay.
5) Get some webisodes out there.

Any suggestions? I'll try to add to the list as I come up with more.

another of those posts where i say i'm going to try harder

I know, I know. I leave the blog dangling for weeks/months/years at a time and then I return all full of resolve to do stuff and try at life and be a success and overcome my fears, and then... nothing.
But this time... I really mean it?
Let me repunctuate that: I really mean it.

The precipitating event: well, not so much one event as a series of events, a general wave of malaise and anxiety that has overtaken my life the last couple of weeks. Going for job interviews and being roundly rejected. Watching my bank account hemmorhage money with nothing coming in. Freaking out because I'm rapidly going broke. Agreeing to take a 3-day temp job that is an hour and a half on the bus each way because I need the cash.

And then: the audition. Now, there was an audition for an indie film yesterday, an audition that a couple of friends of mine had asked if I was going to. Now, I already have something in my calendar for the shoot dates, and I don't know about going to auditions just "for the experience". I mean, if they offer you the job, they expect you to take it. Because why else would you be there? So I was hemming and hawwing over the whole thing, and my friends had both decided not to do it, and then on the spur of the moment one of them went because she would have regretted it otherwise.

The question in my mind being: did I really skip it because I have something else to do (something I could cancel for the opportunity at resume credit), or because I was afraid to do it? The more I think about it, the more I'm leaning towards the second option. And I always do that. Don't do things (the stupidest things, btw) because I'm too afraid to do them.

I was reading another blog the other day that put forth the theory that fear of failure isn't really fear of failure at all, just fear of criticism. And boy howdy, do I have a whopping big fear of criticism. And probably a fear of success, since it will lead to people saying "what's next?" and me saying "ummmm" and people saying "FAIL" and then blamm-o! CRITICISM.

I mean, WTF? I'm an adult woman. I should really have a better handle on my life by this point.

Said blog post also suggested that reframing how one looks at fear is helpful-- as in, all people feel fear. People who are courageous aren't people who don't have fears, they just faced them down. Feel the fear and do it anyway, and all that good stuff from inspirational posters.

Anyway, the point is I'm tired of talking myself out of doing things, of not experiencing things because I'm afraid of being criticized or failing or sucking at things. I need to try harder. I don't have any choice but to actually try harder. Because this is getting old pretty fast.

Grrr.

On another note, I actually dragged myself out of bed to go for a run today, even though it's hot and I look stupid while running. And I have been dragging myself outside to run thrice weekly for the past four weeks. So that's something!

Do you put yourself out there? Take risks? Are you afraid like me? How do you deal?

Setting Goals vs. Achieving Goals

Yes, I'm starting to realize there is a difference. I am one of those people who *loves* to set goals and make lists, yet has a problem following through. So what's a girl to do? Besides set more goals, that is. :)

Still plugging away at WW, trying to keep on program, do some running, all that good stuff. Determined to lose some pounds this summer. I'm going to move on to the next week of the couch to 5k program this week, which is a little terrifying-- all that running! Who knows, either I'll eventually get to 5k and love it and do it forever, or I'll be "This is so over!" and never do it again. But I should probably focus on achieving week 3 first.

I've been experimenting writing for Suite 101, because a friend of mine is actually making money from it, and I'm pleased to say that one of my articles is actually on the first page of Google when you search "tea length wedding dress". And there is ad revenue coming in, even with only a few articles up. I'm hoping to get enough for a payout for the end of this month, and then keep adding content. I'd like to eventually be able to make my student loan payments from web writing revenue, but that's a distant dream for the moment.

I took a film workshop a couple of weeks ago, which was eye opening and challenging and interesting-- very different from stage acting. It did make me think differently about how other people perceive me and how I should and could be marketing myself. And since I now have an agent, I'm hoping to get some auditions, at least.

I was reading a blog post about setting goals for your career, over a 12 month period, and to break them down into smaller and smaller sub-goals, until you finally have sub-goals that you can achieve in a day. So even if you only do one of them per day, you're still advancing your career, step by step. Here's a few I've been thinking of:

1. Lose that last 25 pounds. Maybe even 30.
2. Book a film job.
3. Get a production for Laws of Thermodynamics.
4. Write and produce that solo show.
5. ?

Guess I'd better get back to work on that 5th thing. Instinct says it should be something to do with music, because I have a feeling that letting go and being self-accepting in that department could really help everything else out. And conveniently, I have a singing lesson tomorrow, first one since I left for the tour. Wish me luck!

I also need luck in finding a job, because they are getting pretty scarce in these parts. Even temp jobs. Eek!