Fun on a Wednesday night.

Well, J. is in Ottawa for the day, doing some gig that pays lots o cash and also gets you flown to Ottawa and put up in a hotel. Me, I'm sitting here in a quiet house, exhausted from doing my list of all the little things I had been putting off, and wishing to God there was something on television. I mean, seriously. Every single thing on television tonight is a repeat. Like "Shopping Bags" everything (it was the yoga ball testing episode, btw). I'm seeking refuge from sitting in front of the computer editing things. Yet here I am, surfing the net. Something I never do during the day anymore. Which is hilarious, because at my last job I was constantly checking my email and updating facebook. I guess that's what happens when people ask me to use my thinker.
The job is going well, I think. There was a day of failure when I got many, many notes on my dialogue, but I seem to be living up to expectations once again. But it's going to be really, really hard work getting stuff done on deadline. A punishing schedule, in fact. Fortunately, the free food and no dress code make up for that. Not to mention getting to do some work at home.
What are the things I should be doing?

Writing a play: I don't know anymore if it's cowardice, lack of creativity, or mere lack of time that's preventing me from coming up with the ending to LOTD. The great thing is that I have a workshop and reading coming up at the end of May, and I'm getting a little pressure to request funding for extra workshop hours from another source. I don't know if this is so the actors can get paid for full days, or what, but seeing as how I'm not going to have time for rewrites between days, I don't see the sense in reading the same 40 pages over and over for a full day. I'm really in it for the public reading... and if only three people come to this reading, attendance of this play will be up 300% from the last time! Now that's a statistic I can put on my resume!
I'll get around to it. If nothing else, editing dialogue has already got me thinking about how to tighten up my own.

Setting up my sewing machine and sewing something: this is pretty self-explanatory. I just need to thread the machine. And then make something. Anything.

Meal planning: WW is a little difficult if you don't plan what you're going to eat. Or at least for me, it is. I need to be a little more prepared than I've been this week. That way I won't get all grouchy and low-blood-sugary.

Have I mentioned I hate being a grown-up? I realized this as I paid all my bills, filed my taxes, AND paid my taxes today.
Seriously. An infomercial I haven't seen 4000 times before. Anything. Give me a break, television!

speaking of vegetarian...

i became a little sad tonight realizing that i won't be eating any of those coke-bottle-gummies any more. i mean, not that i'm allergic to said gummies, or that bad men are preventing me from eating them. but they contain gelatin, clearly not vegetarian, and thus i will choose not to eat them.
they were my very favourite of all the gummy products, though. i hadn't thought of them until J bought a giant vat of said gummies. they're sitting on top of the fridge, next to an enormous box of junior mints (another gelatin product, i'm sad to say).
of course, the food obsession could be due to my joining WW and my subsequent resistance of treats over the last couple of weeks.
could i have become treat-resistant?

the requisite update

so i'm not so good at the daily blog yet. but there are new things, and some things that are not so new, but are still with me.
the newest of the new is that i have a wondrous new gig, editing dialogue for voice-over for a video game company. which is fabulous and perplexing and a little scary. but also lucrative and temporary. so i've decided that due to extraordinary opportunity, i will put off the rest of my grant time until september, when i can resume my regular schedule, and then be happily unemployed until 2009.
fortunately, i get to do a lot of my work at home because i am so gimped out with my back, so i plan to work in some writing and crafting time as part of a balanced mental life.
speaking of my back, i am feeling very stuck and frustrated with it. i hate having to plan my daily excursions. i hate not being able to do things like just randomly go shopping, because i can't walk around long enough to do any browsing. i hate losing sleep and walking like an old lady.
not that i feel overjoyed at the prospect of back surgery, mind you. but it seems like all signs are pointing to "yes" in that regard. i'll know more when i visit the surgeon in May.
maybe because i'm feeling so stuck in general, my "change your life completely" fantasies are taking hold. go back to school for something unrelated? why not? consider becoming a cabaret singer? sure! masters in history? couldn't be any less useful than my undergrad! how about nursing school? or becoming a flight attendant?
and so on. i don't think it's just the prospect of success and accomplishing something that makes my mind wander in this direction. i've always been one to fantasize about having a bunch of different careers. maybe that's why acting and writing works out after all, since i get to have enough of a taste of many different worlds. and the taste is the interesting part of those worlds. none of the annoying, petty, unrewarding parts of any of my imaginary alternate careers.
in other good news? well, i do keep up with the morning pages pretty well. it's really astonishing the volume of pages that get written just by committing to doing it every day.
i've started taking vitamins. okay, i've bought some vitamins, and fully intend to start taking them this weekend.
still vegetarian, which is awesome and keeps me somewhat creative in the kitchen.
i'm thinking of writing a solo show. except that i have no idea of how to do it. and i have this nagging feeling that i should really finish writing LOTD before starting something new. but that's a whole other kettle of worms that i won't bitch about here.
i feel like this post is just me blathering on in a somewhat disorganized fashion. let's chalk it up to the lateness of the hour, my lack of sleep, and what is surely some sort of vitamin deficiency, shall we?
cheers,
u/v

life in limbo

did i say i was going to be updating regularly?
basically, my mantra at the start of each day has been "don't get down on yourself, it's only day of this project." i seem to be fooling myself into having it work so far. i've been doing the morning pages from artist's way quite regularly over the last month or so, and am surprised to find how much it helps. one of these days i'll get around to getting the actual book and doing the rest of it, but small steps, etcetera.
had a lovely meeting with kevin kerr today, the lee playwright in residence at the u of a. he digs my play in progress, known as "The Laws of Thermodynamics". and he had some good ideas about process and approaching act two. some of the usual "don't get down on your writing" stuff, and some more practical stuff, in the sense of "start from the end and work backwards and forwards through the act, rather than start at the beginning". a sort of slide rule approach to the play. of course, my understanding of a slide rule is a cool thing that slides back and forth on a horizontal axis. so don't get the impression that i've suddenly gotten all math-friendly here.
but the suggestion immediately clicked for me-- why not start at the moment i know (the ending) and figure out what happened immediately before? (to those of you who have also read the excellent dramaturgy text "Backwards and Forwards", this will seem elementary to you).
and it was that moment of WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?
which are always excellent moments, because it means that a puzzle piece has clunked into place in my mind. and it seems like it's always the most obvious pieces that take the longest to fit.
also, kevin seemed to understand my completely inarticulate approach to discussing my work. i swear, if i could just barf out some polaroids, this would be much easier for me.
in other news?
let's see, apparently i'm going to an orthopedic surgeon instead of a neurosurgeon, but no word on when that will be. soon, i hope. i needs to get back to walking around again! and shopping!
AND, i am contemplating joining an er... organized weight loss program. rhymes with "Blate Blotchers". but just online. i've heard good things, and i figure i can give it a shot for 3 months and see if it works. yes, it's money. but i think spending some cash could give me the impetus to actually stick with something. cheapskate that i am. in fact, i've gone so far as to transfer the money i would spend to my credit card. now i just need to actually do it.
and as soon as i remember to write the email, i'm dropping the fringe this year. i am number 23 on the waiting list, which could be hopeful, but could mean nothing. i'm interested to see the fringe this year, to see if it's a repeat (or an expansion) of the hot mess it was last year. but i'm not sure i should observe said mess whilst worrying about box office and such. so i will continue to do some work.
fortunately, upcoming projects mean i have an excuse to watch some delicious film noir. any suggestions are welcome.

checking in

so here i am, checking in. i just found out that my meeting for tomorrow is cancelled, which is the latest in a series of annoying roadblocks. nothing that i can't overcome, but aggravating nonetheless. i'm struggling with the notion of the fairness of life, meaning that it is inherently unfair, yet i can't quite subdue my raging sense that things should be equal. rather a kindergarten approach to life, i know. am i ever going to get my foot in the door? will i ever get anyone to listen to me? at this point, people aren't even rejecting me or my work. they're just not seeing me/returning my calls/emails at all.
but i am getting things done, whether it's organizational stuff like cleaning out my closets and getting rid of all the clothes that look dumb/are falling apart, and also some preliminary writing stuff done, too. not to mention all the exciting medical improvs that come at this time of year.
in real life health news, still no word about a neurosurgeon appointment. waiting for a call back in that department as well.
i keep thinking i'm taking action in life, but not seeing the equal and opposite reaction promised to me by physics class!

back on track

i'm sure no one is even bothering to check this anymore, my apologies for my lack of posting. but the good news is that i'm currently unemployed, which is what lead me to blogging in the first place. so now with all my free time, i'm sure to be posting update after pointless update as an aid to procrastination!
why am i so excited to be unemployed, you may be asking? i suppose i'm not technically unemployed, more correctly, i'm self-employed-- i got a grant which will pay for my living expenses for the next 5 months or so while i do nothing but write and create theatre stuff. which is exciting and overwhelming at the same time.
my "official" start date is tomorrow, it being the first of the month. i have a lot of ideas, and not a lot of thought on how to organize myself. but it's supposed to be about discovering a process that works for me, so let the discovering begin...? something like that.
i'm trying really hard to keep a positive attitude. as in, not being insanely jealous of others to the point where it impacts my own work. trying not to let my own insecurities play into things. trying to redirect my energy for positive steps forward, rather than focusing on the negative. hopefully i'll discover some kind of process to keep those nagging, neurotic insecurities in line, too.
in other news, i just got back from the doctor about my mri results-- i've been having back problems for what seems like forever, and in january i found out that i have some pretty impressive arthritis damage in my spine-- apparently pretty rare for someone of my age, and my doc sent me to get more scans. it turns out that my sciatica (sounds like an old person's disease, i know) is likely caused by a super-bulging-out disc in my lumbar spine. the upshot of this is that i get an appointment with a neurosurgeon to discuss options.
which is a little eek. but on the other hand, not being able to walk for more than about 10 minutes at a time is negatively impacting my life. to say the least. and like my doc said, i can at least wait to get a surgical opinion while trying other things, so if i get better waiting for the consult, then bonus for me. so i'm going to continue on with ye olde acupuncture and herbs and physio and whatever else i can come up with before i let someone get an up-close view of my spine.
now that i have time for me, i'm anticipating having more time to do some cooking and crafting as well. so maybe some pics will find their way here.
i think that's all the news that is the news. today i'm sorting out some financial stuff, and waiting for my last paycheque to come in so i can take care of bills. and i have to buy a new cell phone, my phone finally broke into several pieces. i never thought i would miss it so much, but i do.
so, off to roam the city and do some banking.

some thoughts on why we do what we do

i'm doing a show right now. well, not right now, right now i'm at home lazing around and resting up the old spine to do a show tonight. our first since saturday night, so it may be a bumpy ride.
the show might gently be described as "a broad comedy", and as such, i predicted early on that "theatre people" wouldn't dig it that much. or wouldn't want to admit it, anyway. no lessons to be learned, no deep pondering on the meta-ness of existence. or any of those things that we sometimes think that theatre is supposed to bring us to. really, it's just funny and goofy and a little original. entertainment.
opening night-- two of the glitterati of our theatre community came out for opening. i was fascinated talking to them after. the he, (a comic book fan) i think generally got what we were trying to do. the she, well, it was strange. she said with completely sincere insincerity "oh, good work." except i'm pretty sure she didn't like it at all. and she knew i knew she didn't like it. yet we were talking in the regular code that you probably don't want to get me started on.
in any case, we've gotten some good reviews, great exposure on cbc, since peter b. apparently loved the show... he interviewed us yesterday, and they're probably going to play the scene we did for them a few more times this week. which hopefully will boost ticket sales.
and we've been averaging really good houses. for an independent production right after christmas, we're doing great houses. i'm beginning to have hope that we'll come close to breaking even with this one. so "regular people", if you'll pardon the expression, genuinely like the show. "theatre people" sometimes seem to think they're too good for it. so what's more important? is it peer recognition? because don't i spend plenty of time complaining about how we all sit around patting each other on the back constantly? am i a hypocrite because i still want to be part of the in crowd?
or isn't general public recognition, dollars-and-sense-bums-in-seats recongnition most important? i mean, the people in the audience are people that i have no idea who they are. isn't that the greatest? people i don't know and have no connection to are paying money to see us.
sadly, none of those people will buy us drinks at the bar.
yet.

what the?

hey! it's 2008! and i'm updating my blog!
it will be a brief update, since i am at work and there is much filing to attend to.
Amaze-o-nauts previewed last night, which means opening tonight. I think we've really reached the point of media saturation, with articles in all four papers, and a few different mentions on CBC. So all that remains to be seen is whether or not people will come to the show. I sincerely hope that at least 275 people come and pay me their money, as that way we can pay everyone we owe money to. And perhaps even pay some of the people who worked on it.
At this point, I am pretty exhausted. To say nothing of the sore throat and earache I woke up with this morning, which I'm sure will develop into absolutely nothing. I was looking forward to going home at noon and having a nap before the show, but then realized that I have to do the programs. And by "do the programs", I mean I have to figure out how to lay out the programs to print properly, then email it to the printer, go there before they close, and fold programs for the last hour leading up to my call.
It's always at opening that I get so ridiculously nervous as to be wondering "Why do I do this?" and, more commonly "What are my lines?"
Hopefully tonight goes smoothly. This afternoon I will curl up on the couch and watch my stories as I whip out a program. Then tomorrow (my day off), I am going to the gym and buying lots of vegetarian food. Good Lord, I am craving vegetables. No voice lesson tomorrow, which is probably for the best. And then, once I get through Saturday's 2 show day, I have two glorious days off from the show, which I think has not happened since... October?
Wishing myself a big merde!
c

hello, 2008

well, it's been a year of neglect on the blog front. but i had a novel thought: new year, new resolutions to improve myself. perhaps it isn't a novel thought at all, but i thought i'd jot down a few things i want to accomplish this year:

1. go veg for the month of january, and then see where it leads
2. finish my current plays, specifically The Laws of Thermodynamics
3. start some new plays, make good use of my big fat grant
4. get an agent. do some film/tv work.
5. lose 40 lbs. yikes. it would be nice to have a year that this wasn't on the list.
6. schedule time to write on a regular basis, then follow up
7. work out 6 days a week. mix it up.
8. build and use my idea machine. more on this to follow.
9. BLOG. on a regular basis.
10. do a show of my own.
11. look into musical opportunities and be brave about it.
12. get my etsy store up and running

twelve months, twelve resolutions.

so they say, anway

i read this weekend that people with a lot of unfinished projects are holding onto the past in some subconscious way. naturally, i read this upon googling "how to finish what you start" or something like that, finishing things being a concern as of late. i have a pile of knitting done all but for the blocking, a cardigan that's complete but in pieces, scripts lying around in various states of unfinishedness, and yet, i can't help but look eagerly for new things to start. all the while skipping the last essential step to all other projects. am i holding onto the past? perhaps it's more accurate to say i'm resisting the future a little.
i've never been a terribly adventurous person. another google search (i firmly believe that google searches can solve all personal problems) led me to an article in which the writer was taking an improv class. the article stated that people are of two types: those who are most likely to say "yes" and those who are most likely to say "no". i find myself slipping into the latter category as of late, although the article assured me that folks of either type can be taught to do the opposite of their inclination. it didn't mention if improv classes were necessary.
of course, i realize that the only way to put these things behind me is to finish them once and for all, however they turn out, and then move on to exciting new projects in the future.
the problem is, the finishing is so BORING, sometimes. the idea is the exciting bit. unfortunately, i carry the guilt of not finishing until i man up and do it.
guess what i'm doing when i get home tonight?

continuing to give teh poops

yesterday involved some scary phone call making (i have terrible phone phobia at times, in fact, i am often content to just not answer and pretend not to be home) and some scarier email sending. none of which should truly be scary, but i have grown complacent and afraid of change. but i am crossing things off of the ever-present list, which is good. now most of the things left involve writing of some sort, which is, of course, the easiest thing to procrastinate. i find the secret of a good to-do list is to include some fun things that you don't need to be reminded to do, or things that would make you happy to check off (for example, making cookies is a great thing to "have" to do). the trick is to make sure you don't do all the fun stuff first.
in other news, i am disappointed in the safeway near our house. true, the grocery carts are only $0.25, but they have a distinct lack of ingredients i am looking for. soy cheese? no way! nori sheets? take a hike! tahini? shut the front door!
i'm looking forward to going back to save-on tomorrow to pick up the rest of dinners for the week.
and, 'tis the season for fringe to begin again... after this year's debacle, it will be interesting to see if the major players put their money where their mouths were this summer. what will happen if people just refuse to put shows in? or if the much-lauded "alternative to the alternative" actually happens? should i put in for edmonton? should i just try for saskatoon and winnipeg? and finish off with a lazy weekend in athabasca or somewhere? should i treat edmonton like so much tahini and tell it to bug off?

long time no post!

i'll be honest, i am only posting because i made a to-do list for this week and vowed to myself that i would post on my blog again. i'm going to try and be more faithful to posting. and posting pics. it should be easier now, i'm only working half-days at my crappy job, and i should have lots of time to muse on teh internetz. of course, i should be spending that time writing, or pursuing other things that will make me money and still allow me to remain independent. so as of late, i've been picking up little writing gigs, typing gigs, pretending to be sick for student doctor gigs. hopefully all the money will add up.
of course, i'm sure no one is still reading this.
i pledge to be better in the future!
wait, that sounds awfully familiar...

so how's it going?

am i actually giving a shit these days?
well, yes and no.
at my day job, i got a whole bunch of new responsibilites, which is stressing me out to no end. basically, things they said i wouldn't have to deal with during the first year of training (!) are all being piled on my desk right NOW. i've developed a charming little eyelash twitch that i can only attribute to stress. so when i go home, i basically just want to crash and be brainless. not the optimum writing mentality. i do get some stuff done, and i'm knitting my piece for the knitting show (which hopefully we will hear back about soon). but it's been rough going so far. i've decided to try and use my lunch hours to do some writing, not only to make my deadline, but also to make use of when i still have reasonable brain function during the day.
other than that, things are per normal around here. getting settled into the new house, still having to unpack the scores of books. i haven't even unpacked my cookbooks yet, leaving dinners around here to be pretty boring. i'm hoping this weekend to get some of that taken care of. i always work better in an organized environment.

Dear Global Morning News

Just to let you know, although it may be the Dalai Lama's birthday, he has probably heard the "Hello Dalai" joke. also, he is more than "Richard Gere's best friend". But I don't mean in a "more than friends" way, like your mention of Sarah Bernhard's theatrical pursuits.
Keep up the great editorializing of the news,

Catherine

whining on monday morning

i refuse to become unmotivated, but it is hard not to lapse into laziness. perhaps because it's monday, perhaps it's because i got bitten on the face by a huge mosquito this morning on my way to work. maybe it's just that everything is so hot and muggy and gross here and no thunderstorms are in sight.
i know i've written about this before, but every so often, i get tired of the whole social-friendy-friend game. realizing that i have a lingering insecurity from a childhood of nerdiness and outcastation, i find myself wondering how many friends i really have.
not that it's a numbers thing or anything. and i don't know if it's unique to the theatre community. but it seems more than other social groupings to have a huge element of clique-ness about it. i know, quelle surprise. or maybe everyone else is best friends with each other but me. could that be it?
i mean, it's not even about how many friends i have. because i have some great friends, a small circle, and that's how i like it. but every so often i think to myself "i really need to be more social", and i try reaching out to people, and am met sometimes with politeness, often with vagueness or nothing at all.
is it wrong, since i'm trying to not care what people think of me, to wonder if people think of me at all? is this just ego-driven spiral into madness?
i mean, i know a fair number of people. i think most of them like me. but i don't think most of them know (or are terribly interested) in what's going on in my life. they wouldn't help me move. or come trim my christmas tree. or visit me in the hospital. or come to me for help in any way.or any number of activities that constitute friendship.
i shouldn't focus on the unfulfilling superficialities. like i said, i have great friends. but i was kind of hoping social games like that would end with high school. now i see it was just a kind of training ground for the rest of life.

the official kickoff!

yes, here i am, really and truly giving a shit about things. i kicked off the year last night by at the very last moment deciding to finish writing and actually submit the dramatic monologue i was piddling with for the alberta anthology competition for cbc. perhaps it will mean an additional $500 and a radio credit, but for now it means i finished something to deadline and sent it to someone to read.
today's project involves some work on my headshot and resume, and sending it off to some people for their files. not exactly stressful, but a good start.
this month's projects include:

*finishing act one of my play for the reading at the end of the month
*doing a synopsis and 15 page script excerpt for the Petro-Can Stage One Series
*going back to the gym
*eating more fruit and vegetables
*trying to grow out my nails
*submitting resume and scripts to folks

and, as always, writing makes it to the top of the list of things i have to do this month. although it really should be things i WILL do this month.

i am so jealous. my sister went to portland for her honeymoon and they got to go to Voodoo Doughnuts.
so jealous!

TYIAGAS

I realize that I've been neglecting my blog for a long, long time. No more funny pictures, none of the witty quips we've all come to expect from teh internets.
But the truth is, I've been feeling ambivalent. Unaccomplished, even. Creatively frustrated. And it makes the mind wander. It also makes the mind wonder "Is this what I should be doing?" Or "What if I actually suck, even though I'm pretty sure I don't, but what if I suck more in the future and I've actually hit my peak right now and am doing nothing about it?"
And the like. It's the kind of thinking that really makes you want to poop or get off the pot. And boy, do I want to poop! Well, metaphorically speaking, that is.
I realize that I will be starting things right away, but for recording purposes, let June 1, 2007 to May 31, 2008 be forever reknowned as THE YEAR I ACTUALLY GAVE A SHIT.
That's right, I'm going to test this theory of mine. That being, if one is content to sit around and bitch about what everyone else is doing, pretending it doesn't matter, it's relatively easy to fall into inertia and let life (and its ensuing opportunities) pass on by. But I wonder, what would happen if I really, really tried? Like, if this year was a big game of "Yes, let's!" So no more mooning over things I wish I could do. The simpler and more direct solution is to just do things.

So now I've written it down. Ergo, I have to do it, right? A one-year commitment to really, really trying and working hard. At my career, creative things, just life in general. No more of this half-assing and bitching and moaning. Perhaps I will have more adventures and be less wallflower-y. Perhaps it will jumpstart great things for me. Perhaps I will realize that this was a horrible idea and decide to go to law school in a year. Who knows?

Please join me in welcoming THE YEAR I ACTUALLY GAVE A SHIT.

I like that it being in June nicely bookends the year with my birthday, too.

home, sweet home

well, not quite.
there is much unpacking left to do. and, in spite returning to the old place this morning to scrape revolting gunk off of the stove burners (not to mention a strange encrusted ectoplasm on the bottom of the spice cabinet), a shortage of paper towels has caused me to decide to return tomorrow to finish up washing the floors. note to self: do a massive clean more often than once a year in new house.
but, i am quite proud for FINALLY figuring out what was up with the internet connection. so now i'm happily sitting in front of the tv, perusing Crackbook.
hopefully this will mean more frequent updates. but i always say that, don't i?

maybe it's just me...

but is it possible that school shootings might at least be discouraged if the perpetrators weren't quite so glorified in the media? i mean, this morning the headlines about the VA Tech shootings read "Satan's Manifesto" and "Portrait of a Killer". plus CNN and everyone else is showing clips of this guy's press kit 29 hours a day.
i can't help feeling that this is giving him exactly what he wanted. a way to be famous (well, infamous), and go out in a blaze of glory and have everyone talking about him for days on end. picture flashed on the news, on the front of the newspaper, and i'm sure on a whole lot of magazine covers next week.
wouldn't it be great if we didn't glorify stuff like this. or instead of reporting things that sound like movie titles, if Dateline opened with:
"I'm Stone Phillips, and tonight we are profiling the ultimate douchebag..."
or for a magazine article:
"Small-dicked guy proves himself to be total tool."
i know it won't happen.
but i really think that we shouldn't show any pictures of this guy. or anyone like him. why make him famous? screw people's "curiosity".
and don't even get me started on how "artistic" is becoming the new trenchcoat mafia.

5 calls and counting

all to move my telephone.
so far, they have done the wrong thing, corrected it for the wrong date, and now are insistent on moving my phone on friday, despite that i keep asking for monday. the first girl who called me back assured me that they were "putting a rush" on it to be moved friday. then, the guy i spoke with last said he would "try" to move it for monday instead, and that he'd let whoever was in charge of correcting such things know that it was "kind of a hurry thing" that it be changed from friday to monday.

i can't quite believe i used to work for these people.
also, what i would have done would have been to cancel the whole order and reissue it correctly. hence the customer not having to call back 234 times.
fortunately, this has decided me-- i am keeping my isp the same after i move and not changing to the evil Smelus.

as far as the move goes, i can't quite believe it's coming up on saturday. instead of being at work, i would rather be home having 3,465 panic attacks about moving. but instead i must wait out my time here and then go home and pack.

i am going crazy at my job. if the lady sitting next to me says "aw, shoot" or "aw,shucks" one more time, i may scream.
tomorrow i will try and keep a count of these utterances, just so you can all imagine what it's like to work here.

what a terrible blogger am i!

it's really true.
at the moment, i am working. packing. cleaning. getting ready to move into a new house soon, with all the fun that entails.
i am being boring. and fooling around instead of writing.
fear not, change is on the way.
also, i'm looking for a new email addy, since i'm dumping my current isp at the end of the month.
but all the good ones are taken!
any suggestions for snazzy new nicks will be welcomed.
anyway, back to the grind, and then it's back to the dentist to let him grind my teeth.
i will post more frequently, more amusingly.
when i'm not on facebook.
this is my resolution to you, the internetz!

excerpts of a conversation between two guys on my bus, who i later discovered live in my building

"you know what it should be called--it should be called the Institute for Wild Pasts and Morally Reprehensible Decisions"

"That's where your drunk friend comes in."

"And then dude bites me on the shoulderblade."

"It's not like we're in officially committed relationships. Not really."

"So... do we shake it or glaze it?"

how to get paid without really trying

i work in an office. that's probably enough said right there. but let me continue. i do payroll. i get a lot of comments on how i'm really quiet, and how i'm "so relaxed". i think this is in reference to the fact that people keep coming up to me and saying "do you want some more time sheets to enter?", and i always say "yeah, sure." i mean, face it: this job is an endless stream of incoming paper to process. there will always be more. even when we finish this week's cheques, more will come in next week. so of course i'm going to say "yeah, sure." it gives me something to do.
besides, i'm nosey. you can speculate a lot about how peoples' lives are going by their time sheets. so there i sit, mindlessly typing and making up stories about people i don't know based on how many dentist's appointments they had last month.
it's a living.
we have special leave for going to a funeral, and when people use this code, they always have to make a note about why they left. not in terms of why they chose to go to that particular funeral (thought that might make even more interesting speculation), but who the funeral was for. usually, anyway. today i ran into a spate of folks who put the time they left, and in brackets, "(mourner)". like there's a lot of different roles they could be playing at the funeral. i suppose they could put "minister" or "eulogist" or even "caterer". but "mourner"? i mean, i assume if you're going to the funeral, you qualify as a mourner. there's really only two classifications here: "mourner", and "the departed". i haven't seen anyone put that in yet.
imagine, getting paid for being at your own funeral?
that's the life for me.

an update

well, the job is pretty much what i expected-- very, very boring and mathematical. i finally decided to stick it out, with the hopes of getting my student loan under $5000 by the end of the year, and my credit card paid off to boot. it's going to be a very lean year for me.
writing is... research at the moment. i'm trying to stay away from very mathematical books, since i'm not writing a treatise on quantum physics here, just trying to get some ideas and inspiration so i know what i'm talking about. already, people think i'm a bit strange at work for spending my lunch hour reading "the universe next door". perhaps i should have started with "physics for dummies" (don't laugh, it's sitting on my coffee table even now).
the good thing is that work is educational! for example, i learned about the titanic today.
a woman who sits across from me is fascinated by the titanic. she was talking about this, and the woman next to her says "i remember a line from a movie... 'this boat is so incredible that not even god himself could sink it'... some people believe that's the REAL reason the titanic sank."
and all this time i thought it was an iceberg. but apparently god took up the challenge and drove that thing to the bottom of the ocean. of course, i suppose god could be working through icebergs.
perhaps tomorrow i'll mention how fascinated i am by dinosaurs and see what kind of response i get.

progress

a wise, wise friend of mine recently told me "just figure out what you want, specifically, and line up things in your life to get there."
so i suppose i am making progress towards those ends...
yes, 4 to 6pm today is my writing time. i decided before i got out of bed that i was just going to write a scene and see what happens. an experiment, if you will. that, and i won't have to give up any precious sunday evening cartoons while fretting about not having written enough yet.
also, i bought some lunch things for work this week. (i can't believe i am working starting tomorrow). salad, whole wheat turkey/cream cheese wraps and carrot sticks. and healthy granola bars. of course, i may not be able to eat them with my bento's chopsticks, but that's beside the point.
plus, i even bought myself some work clothes.
less progress in the smoking department, but i have managed to cut down quite a bit.
also, i have an idea that could have improved snakes on a plane immeasurably. it could have been done with the same script, same everything (well, i would have preferred fewer CGI snakes), but it would have been awesome to have the various people who were attacked and instantly died (how fun would it have been to shoot people's death-by-snake scenes day after day?) to be celebrity cameos. like, we suddenly realize that the person with a snake sticking out of their EYE is BETTY WHITE! or LIZA MINELLI! but then we never see them again. that would truly have been awesome.
and, please stop watching Masters of Horror, until they start making good ones again. i actually have an idea for one, but it must remain secret...

a day of being a grownup

today was a day of taking care of things that i prefer to push aside. i don't know if it's this %$#& insomnia, or if it's the state of hanging out at home all day, but i've been slightly grumpy. smoking again. biting my nails down to the quick. procrastinating. not picking up the Standard British Dialect cd waiting for me at the library. (hey, maybe my new hobby could be learning various accents! hello one woman show on the complete history of europe!)
so today, i sucked it up. called the job i was unsure about, and told them i'd accept. so i can look forward to 10 months of mind-numbing data entry and payroll files. but on the plus side, i will have money. and we can find a new, cheaper apartment. and i can pay my credit card and my student loan. and perhaps save to do a play of my very own next fall, screw people if they don't come. so these are all good things.
i am going to stop buying cigarettes after i finish this pack. made harder by the fact that j is still smoking, but a giant bag of lollipops costs less than cigarettes. and the money i save from cigarettes, i can plow into singing lessons and student loan payments equally. multitasking and goal accomplishment!
the other bonus of the job is it seems i will have BENEFITS. say it with me, folks. really roll your tongue around it. luxuriate in it. BEEEEEENNNNNNNEEEEFFFFFIIIITTTTSSSSSS. and those will pay for the dentist appointment i finally made today. and as stressed as i am about going to the dentist, it can be in no way as stressful as making the appointment. not due to anxiety, just being put on hold by various receptionists searching for an appointment before may 4.
and i'm going to get my hair cut and coloured tomorrow. perhaps i will buy some grown-up work clothes on thursday. and then, on monday, i begin work again.
it's a little hard to jump back in feet first to the land of grown-ups. but i have my $115 cell phone bill to propel me.

everyone go do this now

seriously. you need to drop what you're doing and head to the 7-11 or any groceteria nearby and pick up some ingredients:
phyllo pastry - $2 or so will buy you endless possibilities of yummy, flaky desserts
2 bananas - this will count as a fruit serving
peanut butter - this is the protein portion of your meal
chocolate chips - i bought milk chocolate, so i count it as dairy. if you buy dark chocolate, console yourself with the thought of all those lovely antioxidants.

preheat your oven to 425F. get 3 or 4 sheets of phyllo, and brush each one with melted butter/margarine. spread the bananas generously with peanut butter. now put those puppies along the long side of the phyllo, leaving yourself enough room to fold up the bottom over the bananas. but wait! before you start folding, sprinkle the bananas with chocolate chips. now, fold up the bottom over the bananas, fold the sides in, and roll the whole think up. brush with butter, and sprinkle the whole thing with sugar. stick it on a greased cookie sheet in the oven for about 10 minutes or so.
it will blow your mind with its warm, gooey, banana goodness.

on the other hand, if you're craving french onion soup, do not chop a bunch of onions and sautee them endlessly, then pouring veggie broth over them. save yourself the trouble and get a mix. this is a good way to avoid having an endless supply of cooked onions with little or no liquid left.

trust me on this.

on writer's block, and the new blogger

well, a new year, a new blogger. i just made the leap to the new version, and we will see how it goes. of course, this means my html skills will continue to decline, but i'm sure there are new and more fascinating web programs for me not to learn, either.
i have read (and probably posted before) that writer's block stems from the inability to make a decision on things. so, you end up paralyzed and unable to melt the ice block that your brain has become. i'm sure experiencing feelings like that at the moment. as i always say, where there is no external pressure, i will apply it internally.
and of course, the same old songs running through my head... that classic "What if I never write again?" and the torch standard "You suck, you suck, you suck". or the punk breakout "Oi! All your ideas are wanky!" and so on.
i know from personal experience that this is normal. that all creative folks go through periods like this, whether they admit it or not. i bet even robert lepage has had an evening of self-doubt and loathing in his lifetime.
of course, i just realized today that i have a week more than i thought to turn in something (and believe me, i'm not looking for brilliance. i'm looking for a page with words printed on it that can be legally attributed to me), and it's something of a reprieve. at least, i'm looking at it as a reprieve, and not an extra week's sentence.
ironically, a girl on a message board i read was looking for story ideas today, and i rattled off quite a few off the top of my head. all with a beginning, a middle, and an end. and, that delicious additive/preservative, CONFLICT. so not only can it be done, I CAN DO IT. usually about inconsequential things that i'm not responsible for, but that's beside the point.
so. this should pass.
in other news, i stumbled upon a site that lets you create your own wiki for projects such as writing grocery lists, doing your marketing project, planning a trip, and, oh, say, writing a play. i'm kind of intrigued by it... the idea of having all my "stuff" organized in one, easy-to-access linkable page titillates the obsessive-compulsive part of my brain. although i can't quite see going to the trouble of creating a wiki for your grocery list.
but such is life.

truly, a scent epic

you know that "scent story" product?
you know the one, where you put a little cd into a box, seemingly like the plastic records and turntable i used to play with as a child, but instead of music, it sends various smells into your home? supposedly these smells are calibrated in such a way that it takes you on a smelly journey. like you take a walk on the beach, and then you go home and bake cookies, and then you take a bubble bath. or something like that. i find it hard to believe that these combined smells wouldn't end up lingering in your living room and creating a stinky, unlivable atmosphere, but i suppose science is making all kinds of advances these days.
in any case, i began to wonder if i couldn't patent the "scent story" that plays out for FREE each time i enter my apartment building. this is how i imagine it to be...

once upon the time, there was a man, a man who'd spent the past 46 hours drinking cheap rye and chewing on cigarette butts. one of these had given him a rather unmentionable digestive problem, and he wandered through the lobby of my apartment, emitting tiny puffs of intense... ambiance. he found his way to the elevator (where earlier, a 19 year old dog with bladder control issues had ridden down with his owner, a 91 year old with bladder control issues of his own), and found himself taken ill. after finishing his business, he realized that the elevator wasn't moving fast enough, and that he would have to relieve himself, fortunately in the same spot where the aforementioned man and his dog had been standing. (get it? the layering of scent in this story is complex)
upon reaching the 13th floor, which, coincidentally, is the very same floor i live on, this unfortunate man staggered out of the elevator, where he was overcome by the fumes of yet another smell catastrophe: the self-taught plumber who "works" in the building. he seems to wander the complex, randomly pouring chemicals down people's drains, and creating clouds of sulfur-stinking fumes which drift and linger throughout the building.
it is at this point that the man in question, realizes he's in the wrong building, and is so overcome by this, that he passes out in the hallway. eventually, he will move on, but he's left his mark, a little concentrated scent exclamation to cap off our story.
or at least, that's how i imagine the scent story of my apartment building would play out. except on one random day of the week, when everyone simultaneously decides to fry fish and onions. perhaps there's a building discount i don't know about.
really, i can't imagine how layering some apple pie and beach smells on top of that wouldn't improve things.

and in the shadow of success...

abject failure!
after my perfect little cookies i made the other day, i decided to make some of the jell-o we have in the cupboard. so i followed the instructions. i mean, how hard is it to make jell-o?
but here's the thing: IT DIDN'T WORK. 24 hours later, the jell-o still has not set. and i believe it's not going to.
how did i screw up jell-o? could i have gotten a bad batch? what could be bad about it? is there some horrible chemical in my water which is slowly killing me, and i am ignoring the early warning signs of non-sett-able jell-o? is this going to be a real life episode of house, where they send someone to search my apartment and have their a-ha moment when they see the jell-o box in the garbage?
it's probably just a bad batch.
but weird.

the perfect storm...?

seriously, people here were going nuts about "the worst blizzard in 20 years". on the morning news yesterday, they were recommending that people get child care for today, or start thinking about taking the day off work. because last night, the cold and snowy wrath of god was to descend on us. empires would collapse. cannibalism would run rampant. the only thing that would erase the chill would be the blazing fires set by rioters, driven mad and snowblind by this, the blizzard of the century.
all in all, it's been a pretty disappointing blizzard. certainly not something that ctv will make movies about, or that the tragically hip might write a song about. we got some snow, and it's really, really, REALLY cold now. like -35 cold. apparently the guys working on the ice sculpture festival were still going at it today, building their ice hotel, or ice lavatories, or whatever it is that they're using those chainsaws for. i myself did not venture outside today. instead, i made cookies and looked for a job.
and both have come to fruition! my cookies somehow turned out in perfect uniform little circles. and i have some job interviews coming up. unfortunately, one is tomorrow morning, and it's still going to be -30. and i used the last egg today, so i will have to stop and purchase more if i want to make more cookies. not that i should, but if i should want, i will probably require eggs.
the good news is next week it will be +3. so i guess that's not too good for the ice festival, but what can you do?

and... take two

ok, so after a two week "relapse" into smoking, brought on by the hellhole unpleasantness that was Air Canada and Calgary, i am now once again smoke free. as of one hour ago. one hour down, the rest of my life to go.
oh god. let me advise you, if you are ever quitting something, don't think about it in terms of "well, no more of this FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE." just don't. it won't make things any easier.
so that should make the diet easier.
or not.

if i can't lose any weight...

then perhaps i should gain myspace friends. i feel jealous of people who have 4000 friends. why don't i have that many friends? even pretend friends? i had thought about trying to make a new myspace friend for each day of the year, but that seems like too lame a project. or perhaps i should reward myself for each pound lost by gaining a myspace friend. of course demonstrating internetically how i will clearly become a better and more likeable person the thinner i get. ok, that seems like too psycho a project.
should i just start randomly friending people? or should i try to friend collections of people, like, say, all the winners of survivor plus the all-stars? or do it alphabetically, unable to move on to the next letter until i friend someone with the previous letter?
then again, i could try to make real friends.
nah. got plenty. i need an imaginary posse on the side.

into each soup...

a ladybug must fall.
tonight i tried out one of my new cookbooks and made vegan potato-leek soup for dinner. so yummy. i would have taken a picture to class up the blog a bit, but i ate it instead.
j said it was delicious "except for this" and showed me a ladybug on the rim of his bowl. i, of course, immediately chalked this up to one of my numerous kitchen snafus, and was mortified. except the ladybug was moving. covered in potato leek goo, but moving. so while this begs the question "does a living bug in the soup make it non-vegan?", i realized that not even i could have washed the leeks as ineffectually as to have a ladybug survive the ensuing sauteeing, boiling, and pureeing to make it through to the other side. so we let the little guy go outside, even though i'm sure his potato-covered ass didn't make it much farther than the balcony. hey, i'm not running a bug hostel here, lucky or not.
j mentioned that this was the second one he'd seen this week. could we be on the verge of an infestation? an infestation of luck and cuteness?
i have a feeling that they won't be quite as cute en masse.
tomorrow is roasted cherry tomato pasta with soy cheese. hopefully insect-free.

... and a happy new year

well, i am back, and it is a whole new year already.
needless to say, i did finally make it out of calgary. while waiting for my cab, i nodded at the prostitute making a quick exit stage right from the lobby. and, of course, when i got to the airport, i found out that once again, my flight had been cancelled. but i made it home. exhausted, and covered in stress-induced hives, i made it home!
the post-christmas depression is upon me, with nothing more around me than christmas decorations my cat has torn down, and a host of candies and treats left over to eat. except that i should be on my newly-resolved diet. but that's another story, and one that is too shameful to be told.
speaking of shameful stories, i had a bizarre experience at a party last night. upon our introduction, my host's companion immediately asked me if i was from ottawa. cautiously, i replied i was. he then informed me that we'd gone to high school together, although we were barely acquaintances. later on, he made mention of his memories of me, which involve surly, uber-emo behaviour that was typical of me at around 17 or so. horrors! i have no recollection of any of our interactions. yet i had the impulse to apologize for my behaviour lo these many years ago. and a kind of nervous turmoil inside of not only being reminded of my past transgressions, but of there being actual physical evidence, in the form of this tall man in a tie. which i suppose just goes to show that no matter how far away you go, some things you can't leave behind.
unless you move to vancouver.
yeah, no one knows me there.

planes trains and... suckitude

well, i'm writing this from the exotic days in calgary south, after a day of suckitude. after several hours' pleasant drive to toronto (hey, gotta love saving $200 in airfare), i got stuck in the MIDDLE seat all the way to calgary. when we landed, i went to make my connecting flight... and saw the dreaded word CANCELLED on the board. naturally, air canada had neglected to mention this, or to have anyone waiting at the gate to deal with passengers. as a matter of fact, they seemed generally unconcerned. which, as i discovered, was to be the theme for the rest of the evening. when i finally located a staff member to ask about my mild concerns regarding this situation, they told me "just go to the gate where you would have caught your connection. i'm sure they'll deal with it there."
hmmmph.
so, to make a long story short, air canada remained unconcerned, told me that all flights out of calgary were cancelled due to weather, and since it was an act of god, they had no responsibility in helping me pay for accomodations. naturally. they did give me a number to a service that would "book me an available room at a discount".
hmmmmph.
and they instructed me to go get my luggage from the piles of luggage amassing in the arrivals terminal. calling the number they gave me, i was informed that there were currently no hotels in calgary, and i would have to call back later. visions of spending the night sleeping in the luggage carousel danced through my brain. i bummed a cigarette from a complete stranger. then, i took a deep breath and called them back. they told me i had a room at the DAYS INN CALGARY SOUTH, but also told me "we can't really tell you where it is."
hmmmph.
fortunately, my cab driver told me it was a mere 30 minutes away from the airport, and $40 later, here i am, in my $90 room. adding in the $40 back to the airport tomorrow morning (because the calgary airport shuttle went bankrupt, don't you know), i can really see the value in the money i saved travelling to and from toronto.
but it continues! i got here, and they had never heard of me, or of any of the other travellers slogging their way in from the airport. when i finally got it sorted out, i found myself staying in the biggest scarea in calgary. it seems to be in the auto body shop/adult boutique district. there was a dirty sock outside my room and the hallway reeks of drakkar noir. and to top it all off, my phone doesn't work. this makes the wake up call issue a little dicey. currently i'm waiting for a gentleman by the name of "wayne" who is supposedly going to come up here and confirm that my phone is indeed not working.
in the meantime, i'm keeping the door triple locked. there are strange sounds in the hallway, and there was a kerfuffle at the front desk regarding a guest who had just called 911.
hopefully, i'll see edmonton tomorrow morning.
i hope.

joyeux petit noel!

well, petit noel 2006 has finally arrived. and santa was very, very good to us...




but guess what gift could make me make this face?



you know it! my brand new IPOD!



we also added a couple of members to the crisis on infinite earths family:


robot brainiac and anti-monitor, to be exact.



plus one of the most exciting gifts of the holidays:
the pasta express! how awesome is this? we're going to test it out later on some kraft dinner.









well, i have many more photos, but i am off to make christmas cookies for tonight's party, so perhaps i will update later. but i will be busy doing laundry and updating my ipod for the next couple of days. then, return to the east!

petit noel preview 2006

in spite of the crushing failure of hufurky, i've decided to continue on as best i can with the holiday traditions. and this weekend, the last weekend before i head back east, is LE PETIT NOEL DEUX. in fact, today is le petit noel eve. or the veille de petit noel, if you want to get particular. and i think it's shaping up to be awesome.
as i mentioned, we took a trip to the dollar store to get some decorations to spruce up the place.









that, combined with my grade 3 level crafting ability, has managed to make things pretty spiffy:







and the piece de resistance is we've added a tree to the traditional decor:


trust me, if you squint, it's even more beautiful. and the "ornaments" are real tin foil!



so now all that's left is to kick back, relax in front of Log, and wait for santa's visit...

goodwill is gone, but dollarama lives on!

and needless to say, it rocks the proverbial casbah.
yes, i was saddened when the goodwill closed. it was a good source of strange microwave recipe books, and t-shirts that say "i love sheep" on the front, and "sheep love me" on the back. but i was incredibly excited to see a dollarama moving into the vacant store.
because it's not one of those dollar stores where some things are a dollar, some things are $1.50, and so on.
no.
everything in the store is one dollar. the only drawback is that they never take debit, so you have to curb your spending to cash on hand. anyway, we went to get some decorations for le petit noel (more on this later), and decided to get The Smudge an early present:


the cat toy glove! could there be a smarter invention? from each finger dangles a tantalizing cat toy!


at first it seemed like he loved it. but within seconds, the mice were tangled, and there was an early casualty:








since then, i've found him dragging the entire tangled mess into the bathroom, and chewing on the broken string.

who will join me for dinner?

i had a thought today...

what if i took the great taste of HUFU:



(that's a human-flavoured soy product, kids)











and made it into TOFURKY?


(see vegweb.com for recipes)

what would that become?
you know it, it's all-new HUFURKY!

and just in time for the holidays!
who will bring the cranberry sauce?

up all night studying for my cholesterol test...

that was last night. man, i felt like i was totally unprepared for my cholesterol and glucose tests this morning. i mean, it's not like i didn't know i was going to be tested, i guess i just put off studying until the last minute. when i got there, i was afraid i'd be the first one finished and have to pretend to be writing for a while so it wouldn't be obvious to everyone that i'd blown it. or even worse, being the last one writing up until time was up. and looking woefully unprepared. but when i took the test, it was a lot easier than i thought it would be. i guess i must have absorbed something subliminally, i just can't explain it. i hope i passed, and i swear that next semester i'm going to buckle down and do better. so when the cholesterol/glucose final comes up, i'll be first in the class.
if only my prof wasn't such a bitch.

in more serious news, i got home and my doctor had called me-- well, not my doctor so much as my doctor's half-witted assistant. and she left a message saying "the doctor wants to see you to discuss your x-rays. but it's not urgent." WTF? when i called back, i got the assistant who holds the other half of the shared brain, and i didn't bother pursuing any further info, since she was right up front with the statement "i really don't know anything about it". so i had hip and spine x-rays last week, and now we're going to have a non-urgent discussion about them. i suppose i can assume that it's not a contagious thing, or a fractured thing. which i kind of already knew. perhaps she's found a vestigial tail. or perhaps one of my vertebrae looks like the virgin Mary. maybe she just misses me.
maybe she's throwing me a surprise party to congratulate me on passing my glucose and cholesterol tests!

things i have noticed

i think the second most annoying song in the christmas repertoire (and by repertoire, i mean the stuff that easy listening radio plays in december) is that "marshmallow world" song. i don't even know what it's called. but i heard the holly cole version in the second cup after i went to the gym, and i wanted to jam stir sticks into my ears.
the most annoying song is "little toy train". again i have no idea who sings it, and i'm sure there are many incarnations of it. but it's freaking creepy. there's a version that they used to play on the station i listened to at work, and it sounded like it was covered by some creepy paper-skinned man who hides in closets and watches children. i suppose that would be PIN. if Pin covered this song, then that's just wrong.
i've also been thinking about pitching an MTV reality show that would basically just be me filming the people who work at my gym. it seems to be kind of like Laguna Beach or Real World behind the reception desk. always some kind of cool kid drama going on, that disappears to the back office just when it gets interesting. also, i never see any of the staff working out, but i do see them sucking back super mega lattes with syrup. or something of the like.
i've noticed that i really haven't had a lot of luck with the scene that's supposed to follow my pitch for this weekend. i have noticed that the time between now and the deadline of midnight tomorrow night isn't getting any shorter. i've noticed that i need to get off my ass and get this thing done. can't discuss any further, as one of the judges reads these ramblings.
but mostly i've noticed how awesome the DDR going on behind me in the living room is, and how i should really get some work done so i can join in the fun.

blog of triumph, blog of... er, triumph?

who can believe i did this? with an astounding 50,459 words of boring, grotesque, clumsy writing!
today, i rock.

in other news, it is bone-marrow freezingly cold out. and i had to go to the doctor this morning for my annual physical. the problem with my doctor is that she's always running extra late. like, you'll be escorted into the exam room and instructed by her hobbit-like assistant (i mean she seems likely to have hairy feet, not that she's neccessarily all that short) to get undressed and put on one of those weird paper gowns. and then you'll sit there in said weird paper gown for about thrity-five minutes, freezing your ass off. and eventually the doctor will make it in just as you're about to chuck it and get at least partially dressed so you can dash out and pee.
plus i guess i have to start worrying about cholesterol and bone density. god, i feel ancient. or i did, until i had to go and get some x-rays done. and everyone in the waiting room was about 142 years old. and the lady who did the x-rays was about 120. needless to say, i'm going to run out and get the calcium-added orange juice as soon as it's a little warmer out.

blog of anger, blog of shame part II

ok, i'm still pretty steamed and dismayed. watch out for whining ahead, folks. but can i just observe how astoundingly unfair life can be? how astoundingly aggravating it is that i feel so inadequate, and how no one cares about my inadequacy? and how somehow that makes me feel more inadequate?
so i'm thinking of going to winnipeg instead. and, failing that, saskatoon. i think the closing dates for those are pretty much separated enough that i can find out about one before having to submit for the other.
but, the inevitable doubt creeps in. i'll have to take a different show, and have no idea what that would be. it seems like i might be doing it largely by myself, which is scary. and no one here will care. which is astoundingly aggravating.
isn't it odd the thing that drives me crazy in others (the short-sightedness of yearning for local fame while ignoring the bigger picture) is so prevalent in me? still wanting to be in the cool crowd?
oooooh i just feel so INADEQUATE.

blog of anger, blog of shame

ok, so i just returned from the frozen outside after spending a delightful 90 minutes at the fringe lottery. suffice it to say that i was drawn at number 42 ON THE WAITING LIST. so, barring some horrible bus accident or multiple lightening strike, i'm not going to be doing the fringe. again.
and it pisses me off. as 2 years of not doing anything for the fringe has shown me, my phone isn't exactly going to be ringing off the hook with offers. i'm guaranteed not to work unless i cast myself.
well, that may be a little melodramatic.
but i am feeling self-pitying and have caught a cold from my many travel adventures today. so i'm entitled. also, i missed the doctor phil heroin house because i was at the lottery.
i could always do a byov, i suppose. but those seem like a lot of trouble for very little payoff.
hmmmph.

how cold is it?

it's easily -4000000 degrees outside at the moment. that, or approaching 0 Kelvin (hahaha wink wink nudge nudge to all you science nerds out there). currently i can't see out my window due to what i can only assume is (a)yet another snowstorm, or (b)radioactive death fog that will mutate all who breathe it in. one of those.
so, i am at 45000 words now, feeling pretty damn comfortable with that. and tonight heading out to see part deux of the lamest theatre community controversy ever. i had to correspond with the big B last night, and i innocently asked if i would see him there. who knows who will show up? maybe no one will show up. maybe everyone will show up to sneer. in any case, some kind of shit better go down. or else i should get picked to move on to the next round. because it's waaaaaaaay too cold to venture out without some kind of payoff, be it gossip or glory.
so i have a job interview tomorrow. which is somewhat laughable. do i want to work at the mall? as in, be an administrator who works at the mall? the engineering secretary or whatever it is? one of those behind-the-scenes people who bring the mall to you? one of those things i applied for on the spur of the moment, yet do not want. yet, my eagerness to impress perfect strangers makes it difficult for me to throw an interview.
also, i joined a book club. eep. will this be a fiasco a la columbia house tape club? (curse you, soup dragons cassette i did not order!) i couldn't resist. it was free cookbooks. and then they send you a catalogue of more cookbook. and then you just have to avoid having them send you their monthly selection. so easy! so yummy! i have baking books coming!
mmmm french toast is almost ready.
ETA: i almost forgot the thing that is bugging me the most. my mouse has now officially crapped out. well, perhaps unofficially, because it still does a half-assed job if you repeatedly slam it down on the pad and yell at it. but you have to watch the swearing, because that seems to cause the bottom to fall out, and the little ball inside to roll away. i can't say i ever realized that a mouse is supposed to come apart like that. nor did i realize that some will spend upwards of $150 on a new mouse. not me. i'm looking in the $14-25 range. nothing but the best for my computer.

so this is my writing warmup

strange how the closer i get to my goal, the less motivated i feel... oh, i'm sure an analyst would have a field day with that one. anyway, this is my writing warmup as i attempt to close the gap between me and 42K words tonight. I'm already at 41K, so i'm not anticipating too many problems. plus i've applied to the fringe, sent in my pitch to wwt, and have a lame job interview on monday. i've paid my bills, i got my roots touched up. i treated myself to a massage. i bought some new jeans. i feel so... productive. i've even been to the gym this week. so things are really on track. except that it's minus 1 billion degrees here, things are going swimmingly.
there's no way that my "novel" will be actually finished when i hit 50,000 words. it's one of those things that is randomly smashed together and has no real end. so i suppose it will be finished when i type "the end".
now all i have to do is some christmas shopping. (speaking of ambivalence...)
okay, off to hit 42K. sorry the blog just isn't very interesting as of late. i promise more excitement when the new year begins.
maybe.

i liked it better when i looked like hugh laurie...

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i'm feeling like a bit of a lazy bum...

not that i'm sitting around watching tv all day. although i do like my stories, can't forget to watch days of our lives every day. or every other day. or even every six months, trust me, you'll still be able to follow the story. (if there are any old-school days people reading, you should tune in... as many of the original actors are back once more, they've been running flashback scenes from the early 80's, which is truly hilarious. also, perhaps you can explain why steve remembered that deaf kid he took care of, but fails to remember kayla. does anyone remember that deaf kid? the kid that forced the actors to learn sign language, and so after that, many, many characters on days were temporarily deaf? oh, i could go on.)
anyway, today i am at 27K words on my novel, hoping to get to 30 by tomorrow. and i'm probably going to start on a pair of (hopefully) kick-ass yoga pants made out of a t-shirt i bought at the value village 50% off sale. (madness, do not go, as you will be shoved by many angry ladies who bear a passing resemblance to the michelin man).
i do feel lazy, however, as i have not gone to the gym in some time. the past couple of days i can pass it off on my stupid knee, which currently resembles a large red bocce ball in the middle of my leg. but, it's not like i'm bedridden. well, perhaps mentally.
but today is DAY FOUR of nonsmoking. i have to say that i am not constantly thinking about how much i would love to have a ciggie anymore. although, i do find myself reaching for them without thinking about it. if memory serves me correctly, this is about when the guilty smoking dreams should start.
that is about all that's new. doing lots of things, but accomplishing relatively little.

who's down with OPP?

and by OPP, of course i mean the Oriental Party Pack of frozen hors d'oeuvres, available at your local Safeway. not only is the OPP a cornucopia of asian Oriental delicacies, the ease of preparation will surely leave you in a lip-smacking, salt-induced grease coma for days to come. and when you wake up, you'll be sure to have a friend in gut rot.
of course, this is all a part of my grand tradition of making a meal out of canapes, going all the way back to the bacon-wrapped cheese sausages that will surely make my arteries the talk of the cardiology unit.
as you can see, i haven't updated in a while. i suppose i've stopped procrastinating and have been hard at work on what some would loosely define as a novel for Nano. and today i am proud to announce that i'm up to the 20,000+ mark! astounding!
the other news of the day is that we just purchased Spongebob Monopoly, as there were no Simpsons games available at crappy Bonnie Doon any of the fine stores we visited. we think this will stave off nicotine-deprived violence while we attempt to quit smoking forever... this particular project begins tomorrow. negotiations are still underway to determine whether or not the "last" cigarette is to be consumed at midnight tonight or first thing tomorrow.
we had started to play a game tonight, but it's just been ruined by a giant cat invading the town and destroying my slowly growing empire.
oh, the humanity.

don't you hate it when...

you go to a halloween party where you don't really know anyone, and even if you did know people they're all wearing fantastical masks and makeup, and it's really hard to recognize people? and then you hang out with some people you do know in a back room, and you get mildly high from all the pot smoke? and then you make your way through the drunk people carrying pumpkins and yelling about scotch, and get home safely only to find that when you wake up you have a horribly misshapen eye, possibly due to some random skin allergy and the cheap drugstore false eyelashes you were wearing? and then you start your nanowrimo novel and you get about 1800 words into it, before realizing that writing fiction is HARD and you seem to have adapted to writing only dialogue and you've forgotten how to DESCRIBE?
don't you hate that?
also, when you haven't figured out the direction your blog should go in, so you continue its ongoing theme about whining about your life?
don't you hate that?
i do, however have to say... 1800 words! in only 1.5 hours?! WTF?
it's a little easier when you realize that you're the only one who never has to read it.

just find your genre

so i've been thinking... perhaps my blog is in need of a theme. you know, like those foodie types who cook through some book and post pictures. or knitters who post about their projects. i think due to my lack of attention span, the theme would have to change every month. but perhaps i could devote a month to eating something with lemons in it every day. or maybe finding weird shit on ebay every day. or trying to read war and peace and posting my thoughts about it. EVERY DAY!
well, i am half serious. i think it would be a fun project. i mean, somebody must read this stuff? anyone?

in other news, i had yet another dream that my teeth were screwed into my jaw, and i kept accidentally popping them out. of course, at the time i thought "that's weird", and continued about my business, not realizing that i was loosing several teeth every minute. there was even one tooth that came out that was the size of my fist. i examined it, then realized it was a plastic tooth-shaped case of enormous proportions, in which was contained my plain old normal-sized molar. with a screw in the bottom.
by the time i realized "holy shit, i have 3 teeth left in my head" i was already involved in some intrigue with a fugitive from a tour bus, and having to reunite him with his lover. also, calling my dentist every few minutes.

perhaps i should focus my blog on my continuing concerns with my dental health.

but that would just be gross.

an open letter to gowan

dear gowan (or should i call you larry?),
i can't help but notice that it has been over a week since i asked you to be one of my myspace friends. this is a select honour, as i am virtually friendless in all aspects of my life. sure, i could have searched out glass tiger, or chilliwack, or frozen ghost, or any of the other greats of canadian music, but i chose you. perhaps it was your great hits like "cosmetic", or "strange animal" that drew me. if you'd bothered to view my profile, you would notice that i have chosen to share your masterpiece "criminal mind" with those who visit my page.
well gowan, i've just about had it. i'm tired of being greeted by the message that i am *still* waiting for your approval. i've got half a mind to cancel my request and search out gino vanelli instead. perhaps, like black cars, my profile would "look better in the shade". and then you'd be s.o.l, gowan.
still, i can't help but wonder if tomorrow your approval will shine down on me like so much sunshine after a long, gloomy rainstorm. only then will my friends list be truly complete.
so won't you please take a moment to approve my request? i think you'll find that i'm a kind, considerate, loyal friend. need to talk about the problems recording your latest single? i'm there. depressed about your thinning hair? let's go for coffee. need to know that i won't desert you for the friendship of alfie zappacosta? just check out your friends list. i'll be there for good.
hopefully this has cleared a few things up. i look forward to a long, long, internet friendship.
yours truly,
uberviolet

life in the big city

so here in stabby, stabby e-town, crime is a fact of life.
i was walking through the mall downtown, coming down the escalator outside of winners when i saw 2 guys steal a bunch of stuff. it was pretty well planned, for a shoplifting. one of them left the store with a group of people, his merch setting off the alarm. then, in the confusion of old ladies standing around looking through their bags to see what still had tags on it, the other guy took a flying leap through the exit. the two guys took off through the mall, dropping their bounty and stopping to pick it up, then body checking some poor guy into a door in their haste to get out.
oddly, there was no one in hot pursuit. everyone in winners (staff) just stood around looking confused. perhaps this happens all the time.
later, when i was on the bus going home, i saw two guys standing outside the entrance to the mall, the very same that the shoplifters had run out of. they were wearing the same kind of jackets (all that stuff you hear about eyewitnesses being fairly unreliable is totally true, all i saw were puffy jackets and that they were guys). i wondered if this might be the same young jd's. one of them seemed pretty proud of an unopened package of blistex (do they even sell that at winners? perhaps they were on a mall crime spree), and the other one was chowing down on a full pack of twizzlers. maybe it wasn't those two guys. maybe the shoplifters were long gone, and these guys just had chapped lips, a sugar craving, and happened to be somewhat shady looking.
if i were going to shoplift, it probably wouldn't be from winners. although, seeing their low, low security response, perhaps i would re-evaluate. but why shoplift when i can take advantage of their low, low prices? and more stock arriving every day!
plus, i can't think of too much in winners that i would want to steal. ill-fitting, off-size "designer" brands? strange foamy shoes? last year's day timers?
now, if we were in home outfitters, i would be sure to wear something with extra pockets. or something roomy, so i could fake a mixmaster pregnancy.

group discourse and the denigration of art

interesting what happens when you get a bunch of artists in one room.something in their instincts kick in. i don't know if it's the inherent insecurity of those in the arts, something that makes us want to appear better or less scared than we are to others in our field. i don't know what it is. but as soon as you have a lot of artists together, this real bitterness seems to form and hang in the air.
i try not to be bitter. i make a conscious effort. i believe that specific brand of bitterness comes from a sense of entitlement, like "i deserve to be produced" or "dammit, why won't anyone publish me?" or "person X has 8 productions and numerous awards, why the fuck are they so hard done by?"
that's the crux of it to me. everyone has this sense of entitlement, like they should be recognized just by virtue of putting stuff out there. i wish everyone's work could be recognized, i really do. but it's not like someone's holding a gun to my head, or holding my cat hostage and forcing me to pursue an artistic career. i can walk away any time i want. i can get a real job and have a real savings account, and try to forget that i ever wanted to do this. sometimes i wonder if it would make me happier.
i doubt it would. i stay in this because i want to. i want to do something, and that has nothing to do with being published, or getting awards, or even getting scads of money for my work. money is great, though. i really love money, don't get me wrong. but i don't think i have any right to get angry about others not recognizing what i am choosing to do. i mean, i'm not curing cancer here. i write. i act. i do some other stuff.
i'm sure everyone else gets just as scared as i do. like "what if this really sucks?" or "what if this person really is better than me?" everyone else has just as much insecurity. but i don't want to dwell on it, let it consume me. i want to use that to work harder, to try something different. to be brave enough to believe in what i'm doing, no matter what anyone else thinks.
is that lame? probably.
but it's true, too.

discover your jack-o-lantern face @ quiz me

the end of an era

so today, realizing that i have no money (due to mailbox STILL being broken), and recognizing a shopping trip we took to futureshop yesterday, we decided to do a little budget grocery shopping. now our cupboards are stocked with the deliciousness of kraft dinner and cup-a-soup. but when we left, i decided i wanted some rice noodle rolls. so we stopped in at the chinese superstore.
and discovered it is CLOSING! my source of cheap tofu, cheap and mysterious candy, bizarre noodle products is GONE! today they had their closing out sale, but all that was left were some humorous etchings of "Pete Pickerel" and "Pearl the Oyster". i was hoping to at least score some bargain-basement-priced pocky, but that too was gone.
as far as the mailbox goes, i don't know what to do. it was broken into September 9, and is still not fixed. Canada Post is sometimes leaving letters in the clearly destroyed mailbox, sometimes giving our mail to the building manager, sometimes returning it to sender, sometimes holding it at the post office for pickup. however, no amount of stern phone calls can make them admit they are doing anything but delivering our mail safely. and i can't even say i'm taking my business elsewhere, since there is but one postal service.
apparently our mailboxes are manufactured in exotic quebec, where they are on back order. also, there is some kind of delay with the people who install mail boxes in apartment buildings.
the upshot of all this is that i have yet to receive my last paycheque from work.
hence the need for rice rolls, kraft dinner, and cup-a-soup.
in the good news department, i have not yet begun to turn blue. i am, however eagerly awaiting the side effect of hair and eye colour changes.

i have a golden ticket...

so this morning i went to a doctor, who gave me a prescription. and when i went to fill out the prescription, i expected to have the normal pharmacist-explains-the-side-effects conversation. instead the pharmacist said:
"one of the side effects is... it might make you turn blue."
i'm not sure what my facial expression was, but the pharmacist then clarified:
"well, blue-ish."
now, since my halloween costume is blue, i thought this could save me some coin in the makeup department. but when i questioned further:
"turning a little blue is normal. but more than a little blue, call your doctor."

needless to say, the first thing that popped into my mind was a willy wonkaesque scenario in which i would turn a horrible colour to pay for my misdeeds.
i'm kind of excited to see what will happen. will i instantaneously turn completely blue? will i notice a gradual shading of blue that deepens as the days go by?

How will i know the difference between being too blue and just blue enough?

like fish in a barrel

doing a little extracurricular writing today, working on the "plot" of my "novel" for NaNoWriMo. not ashamed to say i'm working on a collection of zombie-themed short stories. because you know what's easy to come up with? zombie-related plots. what's so non-threatening about this? i don't know. maybe my genre is zombies. maybe it's just completely non-threatening because it doesn't have to be good. do i think i could write 50000 words about zombies and humans affected by them? damn straight.
of course, we'll see how confident i am once november 1 hits.
so far i have 28 zombie story plots.
each one more awesome than the next.

at this rate...

i will accomplish something before 2007!
having completed another page of my play (one a day being better than none a day), i was watching a little telly. there was a fellow on there who had a phobia about the gym, because everyone who goes to the gym looks amazing and is incredibly intimidating. (obviously, he hasn't seen my gym. people there look scary-intimidating, not neccessarily amazing-intimidating). so he decided to take up bikram yoga instead.
now i will say, if you're concerned about being around amazing-looking people, yoga class may NOT be for you. i can drag my fat ass to the gym and tune out all the good looking people, but yoga class? everyone i've ever seen in yoga classes looks incredible. even the 80-year olds look like they could kick my ass repeatedly.
plus, i get grossed out by bikram. all the sweat flying everywhere. my sweat, the sweat of an 80-year old ass-kicking man, all the other sweat just trickling off of everyone. potentially evaporating in the heat and being breathed in by me. my lungs becoming a cabana party for the sweat of those around me.
ick ick ick.

medical training is not required to diagnose hiccups

that is a quote from emedicine.com, a favourite site of mine as a pessimist and hypochondriac. i learned this piece of information when i looked up "hiccups" after having had them on and off for... oh, about 4 hours now.
and these aren't your average "oops i ate peanut butter too fast, better hold my breath" hiccups. these are LOUD. and painful. and, convinced that i was about to end up as a case study on "untold stories of the er" or something, i decided to look them up.
apparently, hiccups are really not anything serious. unless, of course, as i learned from emedicine.com, you have them for 60 years. which is possible, but far more likely in men.
good to know.
so far i have tried: being upside down, eating sugar, holding my breath, drinking water, being scared. the hiccups continue to come and go according to some mysterious cosmic schedule.
any suggestions, quotes from The Doctor's Book of Home Remedies would be greatly appreciated.

i don't want to cause a stampede...

but guess who just wrote the FIRST PAGE OF A NEW PLAY? the first page of a play with a plot, characters, a beginning, middle and end?
this guy.
naturally, i was so overwhelmed with my success that i had to come on over here and brag about it.
this morning when i went to get my coffee, i was standing in line in front of two honest-to-god edmonchuk theatre celebrities. i was wearing my lovely cat toque, and, coincidentally, carrying a grocery bag full of cat food.
i'm not going to build this up. i said nothing. partially because i couldn't think of anything to say after "hey, how's it going?". the anticipation of the awkward pause to follow was too much to bear in my mind. also because i don't really know them at all.
also because it did look suspiciously like i was going to go home and eat a big honking bowl of kibble.

let it snow...

yes, it's snowing here.
after staying awake until about 3:30 getting some work done, i staggered to the alarm clock and turned it off. then went back to sleep until 11.
so i didn't make it to the gym today. oops.
must work on being able to commit to 2 things at once.

learning something new every day

so here i am, up in the middle of the night, trying to determine if time of day has something to do with when i'm at my best with creating. naturally, the temptation to use the internet (damn you, myspace!) overcame me almost immediately. and just randomly looking up subjects... for example... "writer's block" (totally at random, mind you), i stumbled upon a startling theory.
many people believe that writer's block does not in fact exist. all it is is the name we give to the inability to commit and make a decision.
naturally, this did not in any way seem familiar to me. lack of confidence? fear of not producing something perfect?
how could these possibly apply to my life?
yes, it's true. doing writing exercises has been feeling good and all, but i can't get PRODUCT out of my mind. reaching the finish line. moving on to something else.
so, it stands to reason, that i have a hard time getting started.
the fabulous Dr. Matt and i were once having a discussion about random numbers, specifically, the lottery. i argued that numbers i especially chose (my cat's birthday, my anniversary, etc.) would have LESS chance of being chosen, since these numbers had a specific significance to me, and what would the odds of that be? naturally, this influenced my strategy to always go with QuickPick. but, Dr. Matt eloquently argued, the numbers that the computer generated for me would immediately take on a special significance to me, as they were my lottery numbers. (am i getting this right?). hence, either sequence has an equal chance of being drawn.
this is how i feel about ideas... i'm trying to let something i don't care about sneak up on me, so i can get something out of the way and accomplish it. but, as soon as i have an idea, it immediately has a special significance to me. i care. perhaps because it could be my NEXT GREAT IDEA. perhaps it's because i feel like a slacker next to YOUNGER, MORE ACCOMPLISHED ARTISTS. perhaps i'm afraid of failure. or success. or all of the above.
bleah. sorry about the supah-emo whiny brain dump. but isn't that what the internet is for?

can i get a witness...

to how much microsoft picture it! sucks?
just doing a little reorganizing of stuff on the computer, decided to finally upload my pictures from vegas... such as they are. here are a couple of them:



as you can see, vegas is a very dangerous place.





but one full of exciting opportunities!



and terrible frustrations...











and just a lot of stuff that doesn't really go together.

it's better than bad, it's good!

well, the tv channel i adore is back... that's right, LOG is back on tv for a very special thanksgiving edition.
for those of you not familiar with LOG, it's basically a fireplace on your tv. usually scored with the elevator-grooving sounds of symphonic christmas music, it plays here during the holiday season, relaxing the viewer with its crackling warmth.
the thanksgiving edition of LOG is a little sadder.
basically it's a cheery fireplace, with a blazing fire going. however, on the hearth is placed a juicy turkey with all the trimmings. just sitting there in front of the fire. sitting there, alone. no hands reaching in to carve the bird, or, god forbid, offer you a plate. which i assume you are in desperate need of, if you're watching a turkey sit in front of a fireplace on thanksgiving day.
since there are no thanksgiving songs to speak of, it's just a tuneless meld of orchestral music, mocking you with a turkey you can never taste.

i, on the other hand, never want to eat turkey again, having enjoyed not one, but two full-on turkey dinners yesterday.
and there are still plentiful leftovers in the fridge.

well, it's here.

yes, all that time i spent mentioning "i'm going to take a couple of months off to write" has finally come back to bite me in the ass. it's here. my time. to write. i said i was going to take a couple of days to relish the luxuries that come with unemployment, and it's been a week. i find myself googling things like "perfectionism" and "fear of writing". faithfully going to some "research" websites i have bookmarked. reading them. and... nothing.
it's not like i don't have ideas. i have lots of ideas. lots of projects planned. some with deadlines. deadlines in the far-flung future, but real deadlines, nonetheless.
i was thinking to myself last night, as i was trying to sleep, "why can't i just commit to this? do i really want to commit to this (and by this i mean an artistic career)? the answer is yes. so i just have to commit myself to doing this or go find something else to do.
i watched "the weatherman" last night, and there was this monologue about how you imagine what you're going to be like when you grow up, all these accomplishments, all these qualities you think you're going to have. and gradually, these things, these possibilities get narrowed down. all these potential lives you have imagined for yourself get narrowed down to what you are.
i spend far too much time thinking about past possibliities that won't be realized. and far too much time thinking about the future without doing anything about it now. in short, i would be a bad buddhist.
yesterday i found myself looking for another stupid secretarial job, more out of boredom than anything else. and i had to make a conscious decision to stop myself. to try this. to try now, instead of buying time for myself while decomposing behind some random desk.
it should start with a word. this will all start with a few words. and it won't matter if i suck, because no one will ever have to read it.
i will keep telling myself that. and i will stay away, far away from my resume.

too soon...

today i saw a christmas tree in the window of army & navy. as if that wasn't bad enough, i saw both egg nog and soy "noel nog" on the grocery store.
i haven't even figured out my halloween costume yet! so far it's down to three choices... little dead riding hood, a my little pony, or an "i don't care bear". i'm leaning towards the latter two, as they will essentially have the same base. meaning one of those godawful velour track suits in a pastel colour. i think i'm innately drawn to the mlp costume, just because of its inherent glamour. i want big shiny drag queen eyelashes and stick on rhinestones! i may, however, opt for the funnier one.