truly, a scent epic

you know that "scent story" product?
you know the one, where you put a little cd into a box, seemingly like the plastic records and turntable i used to play with as a child, but instead of music, it sends various smells into your home? supposedly these smells are calibrated in such a way that it takes you on a smelly journey. like you take a walk on the beach, and then you go home and bake cookies, and then you take a bubble bath. or something like that. i find it hard to believe that these combined smells wouldn't end up lingering in your living room and creating a stinky, unlivable atmosphere, but i suppose science is making all kinds of advances these days.
in any case, i began to wonder if i couldn't patent the "scent story" that plays out for FREE each time i enter my apartment building. this is how i imagine it to be...

once upon the time, there was a man, a man who'd spent the past 46 hours drinking cheap rye and chewing on cigarette butts. one of these had given him a rather unmentionable digestive problem, and he wandered through the lobby of my apartment, emitting tiny puffs of intense... ambiance. he found his way to the elevator (where earlier, a 19 year old dog with bladder control issues had ridden down with his owner, a 91 year old with bladder control issues of his own), and found himself taken ill. after finishing his business, he realized that the elevator wasn't moving fast enough, and that he would have to relieve himself, fortunately in the same spot where the aforementioned man and his dog had been standing. (get it? the layering of scent in this story is complex)
upon reaching the 13th floor, which, coincidentally, is the very same floor i live on, this unfortunate man staggered out of the elevator, where he was overcome by the fumes of yet another smell catastrophe: the self-taught plumber who "works" in the building. he seems to wander the complex, randomly pouring chemicals down people's drains, and creating clouds of sulfur-stinking fumes which drift and linger throughout the building.
it is at this point that the man in question, realizes he's in the wrong building, and is so overcome by this, that he passes out in the hallway. eventually, he will move on, but he's left his mark, a little concentrated scent exclamation to cap off our story.
or at least, that's how i imagine the scent story of my apartment building would play out. except on one random day of the week, when everyone simultaneously decides to fry fish and onions. perhaps there's a building discount i don't know about.
really, i can't imagine how layering some apple pie and beach smells on top of that wouldn't improve things.