WW Slacker

Yes, that is exactly what I am. A weight watchers slacker. When I eat, I fleetingly think of the points values of everything, and it's like they just sail through my head. In one ear and out the other, as it were. So I am up a couple of pounds. Three to be exact. Of course, that's also following a mini-vacation/wedding business trip, in which I not only tasted several kinds of cake (and took seconds and thirds, just to be "sure"), but I also had to eat out all the time.

I think doing the tour and not having to worry so much about what I was eating (hello, two load ins and load outs a day, not to mention the very physical clown show. AND lots of time in small towns with few veggie options), I got very lazy. I rediscovered my love of french fries. I stopped counting. I'm going to have to count again, because I am determined to be in the 150's by my birthday. Leaving me a nice long while to get into the 140 district for the wedding. Not that I'm losing weight for the wedding. In fact, I'm not. I think I will look perfectly lovely even if I don't lose another pound. I'm just tired of thinking about losing weight, or having to lose weight, or dreaming about losing weight. It's become something of a lifelong occupation, one that I'll be glad to be rid of.

In other news, I started Week 2 of the Couch to 5K program today, and it completely kicked my ass. I don't even want to think about next week's even longer run. And in several weeks, when I run for 30 minutes non-stop? Forget about it!

I also signed up for Suite 101, and have thus far written 3 articles for them. I have it on good authority that you can actually make some kind of money doing it, and even if I only make a few bucks a month, I figure I can pay off my credit card/student loan, and learn something about web writing. Which is totally different from print writing. Like this blog? Doing it all wrong.

Next week is picking up, I have some medical improv gigs, as well as a film workshop all next weekend. Then more medical improv the week after. The sucky part is it doesn't pay until about a month after the fact. And I am dragging my ass on getting a job. I seriously cannot face working in someone's office again. Or having to explain to someone in an interview why being in theatre does in fact give me useful skills.

But I think I will save that for next week. Or the week after...

born to run?

Of course, it might be a little early to say that, seeing as how i made it through day 2 of the 5 week program today. And it could be my imagination, but I seem to remember feeling that my lungs were going to explode a little later than last time out. A good sign? Possibly. The only crappy part of the day was getting road tar on my leg. This is one of the few things that nail polish remover will not get rid of. It's been suggested that gasoline or kerosene will remove that gunk from my leg in two shakes, but I'm going to have to do a little research before I head out to the Shell station.

Other news? I have an agent! Which is a complete surprise to me, especially as I was getting the old "fuck you" from the entire canon of agents in this tiny town. Plus, I have a lady agent. Which is kind of cool. And she seems non-crazy, another plus in my book. I'm really hoping this works and I get a little work out of this.

At the moment I am procrastinating writing a proposal for an independent production. I have to turn this proposal in by Sunday. It isn't long, and I already have all the point-form information written out in a little notebook. So why the delay? Sigh.

Last night marked the 4th night in a row that my ability to sleep goes on a temporary hiatus. Yes, between about 2:30 and 5:00 am, it seems like I am incapable of sleeping. Kind of annoying. Plus, I look like I'm exhausted all day. Which I kind of am.

Okay, got to get writing this proposal.

oh sweet zombie jeebus!

how could i forget? following the tour, i made good on my vow to *quit smoking*. today is day 4 heading into day 5. presumably the worst is behind me now. naturally, i have quit numerous times before, last time was for just about a year. i'm hoping to beat that this time around.

this is the time, though, when the nicotine cravings are starting to diminish and my brain does something tricky like saying "you could have just one and be completely fine". i have to resist that until the point where smoking becomes gross to me. right now it just seems like everyone around me smokes and life is completely unfair because i can't have one.

fortunately, there is no way i could imagine running while still smoking.

still alive

bet you thought i was never coming back, right? well i am back. i finished my tour, all ten weeks, and i managed to survive without killing a single person. though there was a day or two when i came close. but now i've been home for just over a week, and i'm trying to make some things happen for myself.

firstly, getting an agent. i finally sent out my new pictures to every single legit agent in town, and have gotten a couple of nibbles, but nothing definite yet. i have a meeting tomorrow with one place, but i am still waiting to hear on the guy who represents *everyone* in town. hopefully the smaller agency will be a good fit for me. plus i have a film workshop that i am somehow going to take and pay for in a couple of weeks, meaning the "film" portion of my resume will no longer be blank.

secondly, trying to get some writing done. currently looking into freelancing online for small sums of cash. better than nothing, and it builds the portfolio. plus i get to write about things i'm actually interested in!

doing a show at the fringe which i have nothing to do with the production/budgeting of. this is kind of a relief, compared to past fringes. all i have to do is show up and act, which sounds fabulous to me!

putting in a proposal to do an independent show (as yet unwritten) next year. realizing after this tour and a couple of auditions i had when i got back that people do in fact know who i am, and might even hire me, were there enough work to support it. so the next best thing i can do is make my own work.

started running. well, today i started running. so i guess i've run once, if we're going to get specific about it. trying the couch to 5k program from cool runnings, and i can't even begin to express what a difference music makes to working out. i don't know why i never made the connection before, but something about running and music goes together like... well, like some food i love and can't eat and a second food i love and can't eat.

trying not to go broke. this is made difficult by my laziness about getting a job, and by a wedding-related excursion up to Canmore to get some cake tasting and venue-photographing done.

trying not to get a job for a while. it looks like my schedule will really only allow temping anyway, but i just can't get all excited about getting dressed in work pants and heading to someone's office 5 days a week. i've been spoiled for the past year, what with not having to get a regular job. and now i have to get a regular job. yes, waah waah, poor me. i've got some medical improv gigs lined up over the next month, hopefully those will take some of the edge off of my credit card.

and i think that's all the news that is the news...

remembering and looking ahead...

Sitting here after a few days off from the show, wondering if I should have spent a little more time with my script. I know it pretty well just sitting here running it, but I have a feeling that once I get up on my feet, it'll totally screw me up. Fortunately we still have two more weeks of rehearsals to sort things out. God forbid the day comes when I have to improvise in French.
That's the actual remembering I've been doing... not just musing over the past in a maudlin manner.

I've realized that I need to recommit to writing more. I always seem to have all these plans and ideas that I somehow put off. I'm hoping that when I'm on the road, I'll have more time to do stuff. But I have to start sooner, instead of procrastinating. Because time goes by no matter what, right? I don't know what I'm afraid of exactly. Success? Failure? Just sucking? Putting in the effort and then... nothing? All of the above?

I've been thinking of trying to get some freelance gigs, I've already got some movie reviews lined up for the month of March. I need to bring in some extra cash, plus I need to get the regular writing thing happening.

Back to my script...

getting geared up...

for rehearsal tomorrow. i'm slightly weirded out by the prospect of going to the first day and not knowing anyone-- i mean, i know the AD and one of the actors, but that's not why i got hired. i'm not "attached" to the project in any way other than that i auditioned for it and got the job.
the SM sent me an email telling me to be there at 9, then sent out the rehearsal schedule saying we were going from 9:30 to 4. so what do i do? show up at 9 and wait around if she meant 9:30? that's my plan. maybe they want me to sign contracts or something before the day begins. or maybe i'll just end up waiting around for half an hour, making polite French conversation with the SM.
it's also scary to think about doing the first read in front of designers, etc. in a second language. somehow that puts more pressure on the whole thing. pressure to pronounce everything correctly, for one.
apart from that, today was a pretty lazy day. watched the inauguration, got my hair done, did some groceries, took a nap. worried about my french pronunciation briefly.
at least worrying about my pronunciation will take away from worrying about singing!

before i head out to rehearsal...

Just a quick update. I heard back from the AD yesterday, and we are in fact starting rehearsals next week! And I know someone in the cast! Just hearing that was a huge relief, now I have someone to ask how to pronounce things without fear of mockery!

Today I'm rehearsing for some play readings that go up tomorrow night. I might actually start feeling like acting is my job or something...

On the wedding front, we are oh so close to booking a photographer. And a block of hotel rooms for people (a cheap, simple hotel with decent continental breakfast included). And I tried on dresses yesterday and am now thoroughly confused. All of the major things that are left are: cake, justice of the peace, and... well, things like planning the actual ceremony, the menu, etc. All the details. But once I've assembled all the puzzle pieces, I can make them work together to create something. That's the general plan, anyway.

AND today, of course, is weigh-in day. And I'm down 1.5 pounds! Go me! Now I have to figure out how to break the dreaded plateau of this particular weight.

Off to rehearsal.

snow day

it's not really a snow day. but it is snowing. today i elected to hang around inside, finish a sewing project, and do some actual wedding work.

i almost forgot how much i like making stuff-- it was really satisfying to finish sewing my little purse. so much so, that i wanted to start something else right away! it just sucks that i have to wait till spring to use my purse. but it's not exactly winter weight fabric.

still haven't heard anything about contracts... should I be nervous? should i be making excuses for them? should i be realizing that not everyone sees my employment as the earth-shatteringly-important matter that i do?

i made an appointment to try on some dresses on thursday, right after my semi-annual arthritis checkup. hmmm maybe i should tell them that at the salon so i can seem like even MORE of an old lady.

i still have like 25 weekly points left on WW, my weigh-in being friday. i suppose i could have eaten more this week, but it seems like it'd be hard to use up more points than i already get, and still be healthy. maybe it's the vegetarian thing? lower point values or something? of course, maybe all those people who get more points are just wayyyy more active than me and are actually burning calories.

speaking of burning calories, i tried my yoga dvd today. it was pretty dumbed down-- no specific poses mentioned or anything, so i think it might be a little too introductory. plus, it wasn't much of a workout for a "yoga for weight loss" routine. but the good news is-- no ruptured discs as of yet! and my spine didn't punch through my scar when i bent over!

who said i have an overactive imagination?

state of the sunday

nothing much new to report... spent the afternoon getting my sew on, making a bag that a friend sent me the pattern for. i think it's going to be super cute, despite my having put the internal pockets on sideways. oops! but my bag will have a tall pocket that's perfect for storing pens and pencils in.
J is heading back to rehearsals tomorrow, meaning that i'll have the whole house to myself during the day. i think i'm going to try my yoga dvd. my friend Sarah has inspired me to be more vigilant about weight watchers, and i've been tracking points since last week. today... not such a stellar day, but not a disaster. sadly, even veggie dogs add up after a while!
realizing i'm going to be on tour for a couple of months also makes me realize that i need to get my shit together re: wedding stuff. so i vow to go and try on some damn dresses already! then i'm going to check out the seamstress who has a bridal shop near my singing teacher's house. hopefully we can agree on price, and i can get something custom done to my specifications. i was thinking about trying etsy, but i'm nervous about buying something i can't see... especially when it comes to a wedding dress. not that i want a big bedazzled cupcake dress, but still. or maybe i'll even find something in my price range around here that i can just order.
once i hear for sure about the wedding website domain, i'll be able to order save-the-dates. and make a wedding website. and decide on what kind of flowers to make to bring some craft stuff on the road with me.
did i say i didn't have much to do with the wedding for a while?

booked it!

That's right, you read it correctly, I BOOKED IT! And what, you may be asking, is it? Why, a school tour en francais, January 26 to April 24. Making the big bucks, with per diem and everything. And, ironically, I get to open the show SINGING. Apparently the universe has a sense of humor about forcing me to confront my pathos.
The audition was a little surreal-- the theatre is under construction, and the AD and I were yelling at each other over the construction noise, me trying to make polite conversation in my somewhat rudimentary french, then switching to my franglais about a minute in. Since the theatre wasn't exactly conducive to creating theatrical magic due to decibel levels, we ended up doing the audition in a dressing room, which was... intimate, to say the least. Fortunately the weirdness of the situation led to a decent audition, and when songtime arrived, I just belted it out and didn't embarrass myself too much. At which point the AD offered me the job. So I suppose I must have done the opposite of embarrassing myself, if you think about it.
I haven't given my final yes yet, because J is also doing a school tour this year, and we have to figure out who will observe our fat cat Smudge if we end up being out of town at the same time.
I am scared and happy at the same time. Happy because it's a new experience for me to actually get an audition AND be offered a job. Scared because I have to do the dreaded talkback en francais. Apparently french immersion schools love it when an anglophone from a french immersion program ends up in a show, because it shows the students that french immersion isn't pointless. Or something. And the AD assured me that I have great french, and that all their tours have had a mixed cast. Still, it's a little intimidating to think about being the only one there who's an anglophone.
What if I'm the only person who brings a dictionary to rehearsal?
Eeek!

tonight

I am sitting here, well, lying here, really, wondering what the hell I was thinking accepting this audition-- I mean, seriously. Conversing in French? Acting in English? Singing in any form? It's not helping that I seem to have come down with a bit of the flu. Not the real flu, just that sicky two day thing that we call the flu. Should I have gotten a flu shot this year? Probably. But too late to complain about it now.
I really like to think of things in the number of hours until they are done. For example, 15 hours from now, the audition will be over, whether it went badly or fantastically. Somehow that makes me feel slightly better. 15 hours and counting. Then I can come home and be sick all I want. 15 hours.
Procrastinating writing once more-- I seem to have overstepped my depth in making changes without real thought. But the danger comes from wanting to "think about it" longer. The only way to start is to start, right?
Going to take a shower, print out an updated resume to go with my shiny new photos, take some Gravol, and go to bed.
Please wish me french poop and/or broken legs tomorrow!

song anxiety

who would have thought I was capable of writing two posts in one day?

I did manage to get some work done on the play, ploughed through the first couple of scenes. Unfortunately, changing something major in the play means... well, making major changes throughout. Which I hadn't given a lot of practical thought to. I mean, I'd decided on the changes, but actually going over what I've written, changing it, thinking about how the changes affect the whole structure, all the little references I have to change-- well, rewriting is a skill I have yet to master. On the up side, it's almost like writing a whole new play. It's strange to get excited about the first act again, I was so bored with it, I was veering towards extreme hatred for it. Like, wanting to punch it in the face, as well as anyone who brought up the play.

I want to write something new. Something quick and dirty. I'm tired of lingering over my precious ideas for so long, like I'm standing vigil in some idea hospital or something, waiting to see if the play will survive. I want to write something new. I'm thinking about a solo show. I have a feeling that's where I may live, in the land of the solo show. In that "fuck everyone else" way. Not the way that makes you bitter, the one that makes you a strong person.

and as far as the preparation for ye olde audition goes, well, that's the title of the post. song anxiety. more specifically, singing anxiety. Always had it. Loved to sing, always hated singing. And it seems like the more training I had, the more disastrous my singing became for me. Not that I had bad training, just that the act of singing somehow seemed to grow my neurosis about it. I can't explain it. But the monologue is easy, the singing is hard. But why? And why do I keep coming back to it? A friend of mine told me that her daughter's piano teacher refused to take adult students, that adults returning to music was always because they were trying to resolve some sort of deep-seated childhood issue. I don't know if I agree with that. I do love music. But at the same time, I can't deny that I have some sort of issue with it. And it's not that I'm tone deaf, or I have a terrible voice, or any other reason that would make perfect sense about freaking out over singing. I feel like I have a real voice, a good voice, which is somehow buried under a bunch of crap, and I don't know how to let it out. And I hate touchy-feely "set your inner self free" statements like nobody's business. But that's what it seems to be.

Anyway, I have a couple more days to steel my confidence. Although it feels like someone has stolen my confidence.

now I'm all set

I finally got a new day timer today, now I feel slightly more in control of my world. Rather than just scribbling things down on random pieces of paper, I can actually schedule and plan things!
I must confess, this is just my warmup for today's writing. Because, obviously, this counts as writing. Or, at the very least, typing. Going to try and write something every day, because the most painful part is sitting down to actually write something. Or is the most painful part the writing? The feeling of "oh god, why am I doing this, why does anyone do this, can't I just go in the next room and watch Dr. Phil or Celebrity Rehab or something?". The good news is that goes away after the first half hour or so. The bad news is that it always returns the next time I sit down to write. It's a bit like going to the gym, something I haven't done in quite a while, either.
I want to try my new yoga dvd, but I'm paranoid about my back. I mean, if I can walk around and shovel snow and carry groceries and stuff, I'm not in much danger of blowing another disc. Besides, thanks to surgical intervention, there's really not much disc left to blow, to my understanding. But I'm still paranoid about destroying my back before this audition. As if I didn't have real considersations to worry about, I have to find imaginary possibilities to worry about, too! But perhaps I will reward myself for an audition well done by doing a little yoga-for-weight-loss action.
In other news, I had a tooth filled and an old filling filed down this morning, and despite my inexplicable fear of dentistry, not a single tear was shed. Which is quite an accomplishment, getting my first filling a couple of years ago was traumatic for both me and my dentist. Not because I'm the type who punches and kicks at dentists randomly, but because I get so anxious I just start crying. I think going for super-regular cleanings have helped quite a bit in this regard. Hopefully they'll help me not have to get more fillings!
Well, now that I've shared the boring random parts of my life with an audience, I'm off to write the good stuff in private.

in the new year

Greetings all from the year 2009! Things are pretty much the same so far as they were in 2008, except it's pretty effing cold here, -35C last night. I'm trying to prepare for an audition on Thursday, an audition in which I not only have to converse with the AD in FRENCH, but do a cold read in FRENCH, and also sing. Fortunately, my monologue gets to be in English, which can only be considered a good thing. Hopefully our pitiful franglais emails back and forth have adequately prepared the AD for my out-of-practice conversational skills.
Also, I booked an acting gig this month, just a couple days' work for a reading, but it's nice that someone else recognizes my mad acting skillz.
Spent some time visiting the family this giftmas, which was useful in its giving me staggering insights into how my parents shaped my current personal neuroses. Fortunately, the end product of these insights was the realization that not only am I not solely responsible for my relationship with my parents, but also that how my parents choose to treat me has nothing to do with whether or not I am a good/adequate person. Match that with a side of realizing how living with intensely critical people could indeed cause me to constantly doubt myself, and I feel like I've done several year's worth of therapy over the holiday season!

Coming up this year for me:
1) Making myself heard. This vague-sounding resolution has a lot of personal resonance for me, whether it means actually pursuing singing further, writing my solo show, getting my work out there, and generally standing up more for my thoughts and beliefs.
2) Losing another 25 pounds. Which, I might add, I am NOT doing solely for the wedding.
3) Being more positive. Growing up with people who are instantly critical of the world at large has really normalized the rejection of new and exciting things for me. Which, in my line of work, is not optimal. This year, I will try to see the positive before looking for the negative.
4) Writing more. Writing every day, if need be. Doing nothing but bitch isn't really career-advancing.

Annnnd I think that's all the news that is the news so far this year. I'm just going to go work on my french, my monologue, my song, and then curl up with some tea to watch bad television.

full of pea soup and musings

The pea soup was delicious, if a bit filling. It was kind of like eating really runny mashed potatoes. Fortunately, we had herb olive bread to help out. Of course, this is the kind of meal that tends to expand in your stomach, well after you've finished eating. One bowl was more than enough for me, and now I have lots and lots of soup to freeze.

Nano is going well-- I hit 40K today, surprisingly. Once I realize I only have to hit 1600 or so words a day, I tend to have trouble writing more than that... maybe I'm just the kind of person who needs to hit a goal amount every day. Although today I managed to get out close to 4000 words, possibly because I was actually interested in what I was writing. Still not planning to reread it once November is done, though. :)

Tonight I'm going to book our greyhound tickets and hotel for our Canmore trip-- the first of a series of adventures in which we go visit places and leave them with substantial portions of our savings accounts. Plus I am still searching for interesting, non-churchy places to hold the ceremony... right now I've got my eye on an art gallery and a museum, both of which I will probably go and see once we're there. The community theatre is out, sadly, because as much as I would love my rental fee to go towards supporting local arts, I cannot get this guy to email me back for the life of me. And if I'm having this much trouble now... well, I don't really need the stress of dealing with non-contact all year.

I cannot force myself to try on wedding dresses. I mean, I guess I will have to force myself to try on some dresses. Am I in denial? Is it because I am a bad bride who didn't do her excel sheet yet? At least we came up with an invite list... I believe the numbers sit at around 125, including us. But I expect we may have trouble hitting 60, since we are so very out of town for... well, everyone. And 60 is just fine by me!

Can't decide if I should get my pics printed in colour, black and white, or some of each. This is of course, a busywork type of worry, because ultimately, no one is going to reject me because I sent them a colour photo, or vice-versa. Or because my staple is in the wrong place or something like that. I should really try and limit my worrying to things that I can actually change and that matter.

Hopefully in December I will be doing a redraft of Laws of Thermodynamics (my play, not the actual laws), and perhaps starting a solo project. Of course, I have no idea how to write a solo project, the art form that is at perhaps the greatest risk for wankitude or fontrum. But I suppose I could take a Nano approach to it-- if it sucks, continue to write. If it stil sucks, write something else.

Going to go book some tickets and... well, I was going to say start my spreadsheet, but I will probably watch the Colbert Christmas Special instead.

ps - did I ever mention that two of my secret dreams are to record a christmas album and to have a super-lame cheesy christmas special?

Procrastination

Today I am procrastinating. Specifically, I am actively procrastinating-- making lists of things to do without actually having to do anything. Sure, I got out and ran some errands today, managed to resist getting one of the Safeway veggie sandwiches that I love so much, yet are decidedly not on Weight Watchers. I checked the wedding planning list on the Knot (god help me), to assess how far behind I may actually be on doing things. I thought about Christmas, and what everyone should get. I should really be working on my guest list, or getting my Nano-ing out of the way for today.
And yet, I am doing nothing.
It could be that I actually need a mental break from doing things, or worrying about what I'm not doing. It's a strange combination of loneliness and indulgence, being here by myself for the week while J is on tour. But if anything, I'm also reminded that the world continues to move at the same speed, whether I want things to slow down or not.
But it's oddly comforting to have so many things to do that I need to make a list. Which gives me the sense of accomplishing something without really making any decisions or taking action. Obviously, the wedding stuff will sort itself out, once we get down there to see some venues and start spending money (yikes, says my bank account). I just proofed my new headshots, so I should be able to send them out right around the same time I send out my Christmas cards.
As for writing, I'm torn. Start a new project, rewrite old project and send it out into the world? Possible to do both at once?
Fortunately, there are so many medical improv gigs lately, I can't possibly feel like a complete bum.
Still, I should probably start actually checking things off my list, before I start adding more.

oh, poor neglected blog!

I have been away, and busy. At the moment, I'm still planning a wedding, writing a nano-novel (that's nanowrimo, not a very very tiny novel), trying to get my career together. Did I mention that I finally finished that play? I did. My reading was hilariously underattended (as in about 4 people showed up. including me.), yet numerous people I know have said "Oh, I heard your reading went really well!"

Which begs the question: who have you heard this from? And I suggest that the answer is: no one. It is part of the highly sophisticated social code we artists operate under... when you say something like "I heard your reading went really well!", the subtext is often: "I didn't attend your event, but don't want you to feel that I am rejecting you, in case we need favours from each other one day." Or something similar.
Or who knows, maybe the word on the street is that I'm brilliant, and it hasn't gotten back to me yet.

I also picked a photo-- waiting to get the proofs back for my headshot. At which point the plan is to get a shitload of them printed, and to send them out to theatre companies and film agents here in town, with a nice letter saying "Here is my resume and new photo for your files, please hire me/sign me" as the case may be. I like doing administrative work-- I feel confident with it. So at least in this area, the mass mail-out, I can really shine.

Speaking of administration, I finally get to live the day that every little girl dreams of: creating my wedding planning excel spreadsheet. My skills with excel aren't exactly stellar. But I need something to keep track of the budget/guest list/vendors/seating plan for the thing that I'm telling myself is exactly like planning an opening night reception.

While J is on tour, I've also committed to going back on weight watchers. It's not like I've been completely unhealthy lately, but there have been a few things I've let slide. Lack tracking my food. And losing weight. So I'm trying to get back on track before the chocolate season is fully upon us. Which means I reinstated my gym membership (it's been on medical suspension since just before my surgery) and I fully intend to go tomorrow. Even though I find the gym totally intimidating. See what I'm doing there? Already trying to talk myself out of it.

The nano novel is... well, it's really just a writing exercise. I won Nano two years ago, and never looked at my script again. I fully intend to use the same strategy with this one. Surfing the forums, I find it strange to see all the posts from people with "My characters won't do what I want!" or "I saw something online that was discouraging to writers and now I can't write!" or "I've decided to write a novel about alcohol rehab, can anyone tell me what goes on in alcohol rehab?"
OK, I'm being a bit of a jerk here, I mean, maybe this is the only thing some of these folks will write all year. Hell, maybe this is the only major project some of them have ever written. But there's a real syndrome of putting the cart before the horse over there. Like asking about publishing and agents when you're still struggling to get the first 10,000 words out. Or being completely unable to write crap and worry about reading it back and editing later. If Nano reaffirms anything to me, it's that the process itself is not magic. Ideas and inspiration may be a bit magical, but the process itself is pretty straightforward:

You write.
You write a lot of crap.
You write a lot of crap and worry about it later.
Once in a while, things will magically come together through a crazy synchronicity that you should try not to overanalyze.
And, if you don't know much about your subject, either do some research, or make some stuff up. You can always fix it later.

Is that all the news that is the news? I think so. I will try to update once more before the end of the month.

sundry things

Like Cathy, I say "AAAAAACK!" when I realize I haven't updated my blog in a long, long time. Suffice it to say that I am well on the road to a full spinal recovery after my surgery in June, I have finally finished the first draft of my play, and I'm engaged.
So, that's pretty much a recap of the summer and fall right there!

I realized the other day that I own a lot of makeup. But I buy it without a plan-- just picking up a random item here and there, getting it home, and realizing that I have no idea of how to use any of it. My mother doesn't really wear makeup, or do much with her hair, so I didn't really learn any of that at home. And you know how it is in high school/junior high-- some girls just seem to come to it instinctively (besides, those big curling ironed bangs and turquoise eyeliner were in STYLE then). But I just end up feeling like I have the wrong hair, the wrong features, the wrong skin, etc.

I suppose it's a nice change from worrying about what my body looks like. Now I can just concentrate on my FACE and its various flaws. Getting new headshots done will do that to you-- staring into the proofs of 200 nearly-identical photos of your cold, dead eyes.

Fortunately, I do have a bit more of a career plan for myself now, and am working on putting it into action. Well, when I'm not obsessively looking at wedding things. Or trying to write a grant proposal when my collaborator has seriously flaked out on me.

OK I have a few more things to accomplish. See you in another four months! Or more. Or less?

once bitten...

i've never been someone to just get back on the horse. always been a little shy of getting burned the second time, in a variety of situations. but i have to watch myself-- sometimes this attitude can lead to not getting on the horse at all.
classic example-- career anxiety about people not calling me back. yes, this has continued to happen as of late, and with a few people, some of whom surprise me, since i kinda know them in person and all that. and a couple of months ago, i started pursuing representation with an agent. left him a message, no reply. fine, he's busy, whatever. called again, spoke with him, he asked me to send photo/resume. did so. nothing. sent a pleasant follow-up. nothing.
now, wise words say his loss, besides, do you want an agent who can't be bothered to call you? just move on, there's a few shops in town. but now, there's that "what if none of them want me either" vibe running through my head. stupid, i know. but what if none of them do? i mean, i suppose i could move on to agents in c-town, for whatever that's worth. i could keep writing and do my own thing and make other people want to hire me so much that someone would sign me, eventually. i mean, there are options. options that are hard to see when you're faced with the blaring internal FAIL siren.
i really need to practice saying "who cares? who gives a shit?" more.
remind me to practice that.

do you ever find yourself thinking something about yourself, like one of those automatic thoughts like "oh, i'm not good at sports", or "i suck at math", or "i'm socially awkward" or "i can't dance" or whatever, and suddenly realizing "Why do I think that, anyway?" one of those statements that you realize can be traced back to something someone said to you 20 years ago that you for some reason chose not only to believe at the time, but hold on to for the rest of your life? so it just became something about yourself that you accept, regardless as to whether or not that is actually true?

this has been happening to me, as of late. examining the internal dialogue. and thinking "why did i choose to believe that? and why do i still?" i mean, maybe i am good at sports. or math. or socializing. or whatever. just how do i get rid of the crap that i have chosen to internalize?

still trying to figure that one out.

i am still alive

that is the most important piece of news. i had back surgery 3 weeks ago today, which seems to have gone really well. my tape-stitchy things finally dissolved today, and it's nice not to have them still stuck to me. frankly, they were starting to look a little worse for wear. and i have a strange, intermittently numb bum side-cheek, but my doctor tells me this is normal during recovery. and what do i know about orthopedic surgery? nothing, that's what. so immediate plans include mucho rest, many recuperative walks, and physio in a few weeks.
oh, and did i mention i might be doing a dance show next year? so rest up while you can, L4/L5 vertebrae!

apart from that, still working at home, loving that part of it. i love being my own boss and scheduling my own day. and if i feel like working extra hard so i can have an extra day off, then that's cool, because I AM MY BOSS. well, truly my boss is my boss. i suppose I AM MY OWN MIDDLE MANAGEMENT. which is good enough for me.

i admit to having fallen off the weight watchers wagon a bit since the surgery. at first i thought i could let things slide since i was horribly ill and barfy for a few days. not eating much means i can treat myself when i feel better, right? but i have to get back on track. though i realized today if there's one thing that WW has taught me, it must be that i can eat some cake, or some french fries, or chips, or a slurpee on a hot day. i just should not eat them all in one day. that being said, only marginally following the program, i've still lost about 4 pounds since surgery, and i expect it to keep going now that i can actually exercise. and, of course, eat properly. i'm hoping to be about 20 pounds down from my start weight for the fringe, which is totally doable.

but enough about my weight insecurities! let's talk about my career insecurities! which, for once, are in no way related to my weight insecurities!
i'm at this point where i'm trying to strike out on my own, and be more pro-active and all that good crap, putting myself out there, being open to new things (dance show? hmmm?). and i feel like people just ignore me. or don't reply to me. and i realize people are busy, and i'm hardly the only one asking for their time. but i also know that i don't sound like a completely rude idiot on the phone or via email. so why no replies? is it just easier to say nothing than to say "no, thanks"? or am i suffering from a case of "don't you know who i am?" syndrome, which runs rampant in my profession?

sigh. continuing to focus on the positive...