Survey says...

The workshop went great--I got a ton of work done on the play (an entire new draft, actually), and the actors all really loved the show. We also had a set designer come in and come up with a design concept and groundplan, that we used to put some scenes on their feet. It was pretty amazing to see it in three dimensions, and also to think about the play in terms of another person's interpretation of the visuals.

The reading also was great! I just wish a few more people had seen it. I mean, I asked a lot of people to come, and I know they aren't all doing shows/going to a friend's birthday party/staying home washing their hair. And I know that if I were someone more "important", they would come. And I guess I'm speaking about the people in the theatre community, rather than the general public at large. I think I need to stop putting so much stock into the opinions of other people (or at least those particular people, because I get disappointed so often.

To be honest sometimes it feels like I'm going to have to convince every single person in the world of the value of my work, one by one. Okay, that sounds wanky. But do you know what I mean? Sometimes it feels like such a ridiculously arduous slog to get anyone to even look at my work, I start to question if it will ever be worth it.

My job is definitely not helping. Interestingly, I learned today that the "budget overage" that meant our department was accused of spending double the usual amount on staff wages and of mismanaging our whole budget by a ridiculous sum... was not a "budget overage" at all. It's either some kind of accounting error, or something someone forgot to label, or something that got charged to our budget by mistake. But this is the reason we weren't allowed to hire new staff (leaving us seriously understaffed), that ultimately caused my boss to quit suddenly in June. And those two things were what caused my other boss to go on stress leave, leaving moi in charge of the whole operation.

But it turns out it was just an "oops". An oops that, had it not happened, could have made my life significantly different for the last 4-5 months. An oops that, had it been addressed rationally rather than accusatorily could have meant a LOT less stress.

Oops.

I still haven't decided if I will wait to give my notice until December 1, or if I will do it sooner. I think it might be a relief to have it out in the open.

I'm excited to start thinking of all the things I'll do in January--my goal is to have that month mostly off, even if I don't get the grant.

Workshop Week

Today was rehearsal day two of workshop week, and I have to say I'm not always sure what my role is... I mean obviously, my role is to learn about the play and improve it--to make sure that any group of actors and production team members would come to largely the same conclusions about what the play is about, whether or not they ever have access to me to explain things.

But I think I miss being able to really dig into a script and discuss it the way the actors get to. Part of it is that I've been working on this play for five years. I've had quite a few workshops, I've heard a lot of people read it. Some parts of the play haven't changed substantially for a long time... because they're right and don't need to be changed. But there are parts of the play that I am SO TIRED of hearing. Is that terrible to say? I'm ready for the next phase, which is to see people on their feet with it.

Work is work... the miracle of today was that this crazy lady who'd threatened to call and impart her crazy on me apparently called her crazy sister who brought the crazy down in person. All while I wasn't there. I am toying with the idea of telling them now that I won't be back after Christmas. I don't want to screw over my boss, who's done nothing to screw me personally. I don't know what to do there. I don't want a big drawn-out production about me quitting, which is what I think it would turn into if I gave my notice now.

I think I'm going to table thinking about it until after the reading on Saturday. Tomorrow they should get on their feet a bit, which will be pretty exciting.

Tomorrow...

..is my first real voice lesson in about a year and a half. I'm excited and a bit nervous. I've studied with this teacher before, she had moved out of town and is now back. I think she and I are on the same page about a lot of things, so I'm hoping working together again will be fruitful. Even so, it's always scary to sing in someone's studio for the first time!

I've just told work "I have a commitment on Friday and I'll be gone for 2 hours", which, considering Friday is the second of 4 10-hour days in a row, they can hardly say no to. I was just thinking yesterday about how this job used to help me be an artist, and now it seems to be blocking me, just through the sheer amount of energy I'm expected to put into it. Too many hours, not enough brain time left for creative things at the end of the day.

Also: MEETINGS. I have 4 hours of meetings scheduled for tomorrow. What is with that? I want to actually get work done, not talk about the work I'm supposed to be doing.

My play reading is a week from Saturday. I just got the email confirming the time and place of rehearsals--I suppose I will know if my rewrite was enough soon enough.

Still two more hours before I can go home!

Too late to say yes?

Howdy, y'all. 55 days left at my job, in case you're counting. It's Thanksgiving weekend up here in Canadia, and I am so thankful I don't have to go back to work until Tuesday!

Lately I've been doing that thing where you look back over previous decisions you've made and try to figure out where things could have gone differently... and I've realized that there have been more than a couple of times when I've said no to things... to offers of gigs, to workshops, to stuff like that... I think mostly because I was afraid.

Afraid of what? I don't know. Of sucking. Of not knowing what I'm doing. All those pesky insecurities. And of course, now I'm complaining that my career isn't where I want it to be, and maybe that's because I said no to things before. So now I have to start saying yes to things, consciously saying yes and not letting myself back down because of fear.

But I wonder... is it too late to say yes to things? What if I said no too many times and I used up my offers?

I'm really hoping that doesn't happen. I mean, I've been guilty of being angry at the universe for not being fair, which I know it isn't, but still...

In exciting news, I'm now starting week 4 of Couch to 5K. I was feeling pretty triumphant yesterday at the gym, until, that is,I got lapped by a speed walker. An older gentleman speedwalking. Who didn't even seem to be working that hard.

Coincidence? Or lesson in humility from the universe?