I Got In!

To one of the workshops I was applying to--a totally amazing opportunity to learn about performance creation from an amazing artist. In the gorgeous, fabulous mountains. In one month!

I'm so thrilled! I'm a little bit eeeeek about how I'm going to pay for it, but it's going to be so worth it. I just got paid for some of my gigs, which can go toward it, and then I will have to installment-plan myself to pay it off without running up a ton of debt.

I also spent last night sending personal facebook messages/a nicely worded group email to invite folks to my play reading--and I have actually been getting responses. I think some people may actually show up!

2012, you are MINE!

In summary...

There is nothing worse than writing summaries of your own play. Nothing.

I either have to get better at summarizing, or start writing plays that are more easily summarized.

I am writing an email to invite people to a reading of one of my plays next Monday. As a dear friend pointed out, it's important to promote your work, because no one else is going to do it for you. So although I feel a bit "Really? Me?" about sending out such emails, I am trying to just sound like a normal human who happens to be a professional theatre artist, and whose work you would naturally want to see and take seriously. I decided against a Facebook event, because I kind of feel like no one takes them terribly seriously, and an email at least suggests that I am personally inviting YOU to come, rather than just clicking the names of everyone I know.

Who would have thought email would be a more old-fashioned way to invite people to things?

Today

It is -30C, but feels like -44C with the windchill. Today my hair froze to my eyelashes, which also froze a little bit to the top of my scarf, and when I got on the bus all the little ice crystals abruptly melted, causing my eye makeup to dissolve and run down my face.

It's that kind of day. But I finished and submitted all that editing work, despite technical problems, and I don't have any more shows to see until Sunday. I am looking forward to going to the gym and then going HOME. Where I will unashamedly relax in my leopard-print Snuggie.

There has been no response from my agent. But I did read a terrific blog post that reminded me there are many things I can do to get creative. I'm looking for new monologues to work on... not because I have any auditions scheduled, just--well, just because. I mean, yes I will be ready when audition season rolls around, but I think I sort of forgot that you can work on things just to work on them, without having a reason. Just to practice your craft, to explore, and to get better.

And yes, I feel like a bit of an idiot for having lost sight of that. I get so focused on having something lined up, some specific goal to work toward, so focused on what everyone else is doing/achieving that I forgot it's ok (and neccessary) just to work on craft. Because I love it, because I need practice, because it will make me ready when the time comes.

I wish there were more opportunities to do real scene-study class here. For now, I'm going to organize my own personal class.

I hope your day is going warmly!

Am I expecting too much here?

Last week I sent a "What's up/Here's what I've been doing" email to my agent, since I realized we hadn't actually chatted in a while. I haven't heard back yet. I realize that she has other stuff going on/other clients, but am I wrong in expecting at least a brief reply within a couple of days?

I have been putting off getting a new agent because (a) I have really been focused more on writing stuff than acting stuff lately, (b) There isn't a ton of choice as far as agents go where I am, and (c) I totally dread any kind of confrontation.

Though it is beginning to seem like I should just SUCK IT UP and start shopping for agents.

In other news, I am a little overscheduled with editing work, which is due much sooner than I think I can actually get it done. I spent the weekend either working at my day job or working at my freelance job, and I can't wait until I have a weekend where I have no scheduled commitments. That doesn't look like it will be happening any time soon, though.

What is with this compulsion to always be doing something useful? Why do I feel guilty if I have free time?

On that note, I did just pick up some craft books from the library with some adorable projects in them. I'm thinking something small will be a good foray back into sewing.

Back to work!

Happy New Year!

Is everyone still happy about the new year? I myself have a little bit of a combination of "I miss Christmas" and "for the love of God, stop blasting Christmas music in the mall".

I decided to get my resolutions rocking a little bit early and got my hair chopped off (with bangs!) on New Year's Eve Eve (known to the rest of the world as December 30), and to donate blood on the 31st. Which was a bit of a gong show, the blood I mean, not the hair, which is cute.

I had tried to donate once before, but it was very anticlimactic, since they tried to get a vein twice, missed both times, and then said it still counted, so come back in 56 days. Which I didn't, I let it go for about a year and decided to try again, full of fluids and eagerness to give my blood to the blood needy.

It was all going quite well--I don't really like needles (but who does?), but I'm not squeamish about medical stuff/blood. In fact, I find it all quite fascinating. I was chatting with the nurse, who had told me to mention if I felt unwell, when it sudden occurred to me that I was feeling quite unwell--sort of dizzy and nauseous. And I casually mentioned it, and it suddenly became Trauma Centre or something--she immediately yelled "Can I get some help here?" and there were literally 4 people on me, tilting my chair back, putting ice packs on the back of my neck, compresses on my forehead, and sliding a garbage bag in front of me in case I needed to throw up. It was all quite surprising and a little intense, which one of the ice-pack people assured me "it's perfectly normal to feel emotional when this happens", which was good because I felt very emotional. And a little embarrassed, just because.

But they did tell me that my blood would be used, and that it sometimes happens to people when they give blood, but it didn't mean I would feel like that every time and please come back at the end of February and give more. Which I am thinking about. Perhaps the third time is the charm?

Anyway, I am working hard to be positive and get stuff done this year, and I'm looking forward to voice lessons starting again next week.

How is 2012 treating you?

Some more things to work on in the new year...

30 Things To Stop Doing To Yourself

I thought this was just terrific... I know there's more than a couple of things on that list that I need to work on in 2012.

Happy happy and merry merry, friends and neighbours!

The Year In Review and The Year Ahead...

Hello, friends and neighbours! I hope you all had a spectacular holiday weekend, however you celebrate. I had a great Christmas, in fact I didn't leave my house from Saturday morning to this morning, which was perfectly cozy. I got some great loot and didn't indulge TOO much, although I find it challenging to get back to healthier habits... especially with all this chocolate and wine lying around! And getting back to the gym today after some time off for an injury... eep!

I am so happy to have this week off, although I know it will go by too quickly and I'll be back at my day job before I know it. I am one of those annoying people who really enjoy making resolutions (it's a side effect of loving lists), and I always love the idea of the new year--so full of potential and possibilities. Thought I'd do a quick year in review and list some of the things I'm looking forward to doing this coming year...

In 2011: I lost 30 lbs, really started becoming comfortable with my writing voice and process, auditioned more, shot some commercials and industrials, saw a lot of great theatre, joined a gym, found a fabulous voice teacher, sang in front of other humans, quit smoking, developed a plan for us to take care of our debt and finances, rediscovered my love of knitting, traveled (Ontario still counts!), made some delicious food, wrote some plays, submitted, submitted, submitted.

in 2012 I'm planning to:

1) Losing the next 30 lbs.
2) Write a solo play
3) Knit more
4) Sing more
5) Audition more
6) Defy my fear of failure/insecurities and take more risks
7) Sew more.
8) Donate blood
9) Improve my French
10) Have more fun with personal style/improve my wardrobe/find more glamour in everyday life
11) Finish reading the Time Magazine Top 100 novels
12) Get my work out there, that is submit, submit, submit!

I'm looking forward to 2012 being a creative, fulfilling year for me--and hopefully I'll be blogging about it on a regular basis.

What are some of your resolutions?

The Gift of Grant

Oh you guys, today was a great day of hanging out at home, not talking to anyone and listening to Christmas music. I also decided to tackle cleaning behind the fridge, where many half-full containers of cat treats have fallen, and discovered about 20,000 bug carcasses. So gross. Seriously, it was like a Hoarders moment or something. Please don't think less of me, even though I'm sure you all clean behind your fridges every weekend as part of your regular chore rotation.

I actually meant to clean between the dishwasher and the fridge (we have one of those roll-out dishwashers that we only use as extra counter space), and then my perfectionist tendencies took over. I also did many loads of laundry of random clothes that have been sitting around for a while, which led me to realize that I must do a closet purge very soon.

But I digress--I had some good news today. Some great news, actually--the grant we had applied for to do a workshop of my show came through! We get some money to pay actors and a designer and a director, and ME to do some rewrites.

!!!

So, two workshops to look forward to in the new year. Of two different plays.
Take that Christmas rejection!

Countdown to Christmas

Hello again, friends and neighbours! Today I am feeling old and decrepit and sore, due to performing the Holiday Bathroom Cleanse. While this may sound like the latest diet trend, I assure you, it involves nothing more than heavily scrubbing all bathroom tiles in a futile attempt to get them Clean Enough for in-law inspection. It's discouraging, because our house is older and wasn't terribly well cared for by previous tenants. Hence, my quest to make our (strangely pink) bathroom Hotel Clean is an exercise in futility. Yesterday we tackled the living room and the bathroom; today we may deal with the kitchen, including such highlights as Annual Fridge Cleaning (sob), and Moving The Stove To Clean While Guessing Whether We Will Be Surprised By A Mouse, Either Living Or Dead.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS! Am I right? Fortunately, this will leave only the back room (aka Hoarder Room, Room of Shame)to tidy, although the fact that it has a door invites procrastination, and the mud room, which really, people only pass through on their way into our house, so perhaps a quick tidy is all that's in order there.

It looks like my planned dinner may be falling through, so I may have to cook something rather than relying on store-bought loaf. J has helpfully suggested I have veggie chicken fingers, which somehow doesn't seem suitably fancy. And my shopping is done, (with the exception of the 4,351 forgotten items I will surely need to get on Christmas Eve), cards are mailed, tree is up.

Which gives me time to sulk about the latest rejection email received yesterday. It's Christmas, people! Why not reject me during that dark, disappointing time between Christmas and New Year's and let it strengthen my resolve to make 2012 MY GREATEST YEAR. Instead of pooping in my stocking?

And yes, I am thinking of resolutions and changes and all that stuff that New Year's tends to bring out. I can't help it. I love lists.

Really making it happen

I had a rather long conversation with myself last night--long story short, I had a realization that my craving for validation from other people is what sends me down ye olde insecurity spiral. And the funny thing is, I don't need EVERYONE to validate me. Just certain people. People who for one reason or another I have deemed it is IMPORTANT to think that I am good, that I am talented, that I am hireable, that I am... well, you get the picture. One of those things that makes me spend all my time worrying and wishing rather than doing.

Well, after long conversation with self, I felt sufficiently annoyed with myself for continually giving away power to people who don't even care, and some of whom I don't even like, that I am determined to stop doing that.

Seriously, how many times can I say that? The only way to do things is... to do them. Big revelation, I know. Accept that by doing I could also be failing, and be cool with that, and put myself out there and just... do it.

I have to stop wondering if I am any good, wondering what people think of me. I keep listing to myself all the times I was validated: getting cast, getting callbacks, getting good feedback, and trying to ignore the immediate "Oh, but that's only because..." that pops up in my head.

How do you get rid of that Ohbut, anyway? He's getting pretty freaking annoying.

Is this another case of "fake it till you make it?"

How are you?

Yes, I have been absent once again. But I have been busy, plugging away at submissions, still trying to get stuff happen. Still wishing that stuff would just happen without me having to put so much work into it. Still realizing that as hard as I think I'm pushing it, I could be doing so much more.

Yesterday I posted on facebook that never hearing at all is much worse than hearing "no". Which is true. A lot of people like to say "Oh, you get so much rejection in this business", but to me it seems like you're lucky to even get rejected. Most of the time, you just don't hear back one way or the other. I usually try to give myself a drop dead date for projects I'm really hoping for--after that date, I must agree to let all hope die, and put it out of my mind.

That sounds harsh and depressing. It's not, really. It just helps me keep moving on to the next thing.

In other news, I am almost finished Christmas shopping, which is great, and nowhere near finished figuring out the Christmas dinner we are hosting, which is less great. I'm finishing my last submission for a couple of weeks today, but then realized that I promised a director a rewrite for mid-December. Oops! I am also not nearly finished my Christmas knitting, which is something I should go plug away at right now.

But you. How are you?

Taking Yourself Seriously

Hello, friends...
I'm here at work where we are having a rather shitty day due to all technological systems epically failing. Prior to that, I was at the dentist (did I mention I have severe dentist anxiety? Going regularly has actually helped.) where I made it through the whole cleaning and they were like "let's just get the dentist to check this one spot" and it turned out to be a brand new tiny cavity, and they said "hey, let's just fill this right now, no anesthetic needed!" and before I knew it, I was getting a surprise dental filling. Surprise!

But I digress... I've been thinking about how to learn to take myself seriously. A serious topic, no?

In my voice lesson on Saturday (with my lovely and amazing new teacher), she kept reminding me to "find my singer"--which essentially is shorthand for standing up like a human and using breath support--and I realized that I was not-so-secretly thinking to myself that no one would take me seriously. That if I just over-casualize things, I'll be at no risk of people thinking I'm actually trying to do something.

Because... I don't deserve to be heard?
Because... it's safer than taking a risk of possibly failing?
Because...?

Which is kind of a random realization to come to. A bit of a heavy realization, really, if one suddenly understands that this applies to many aspects of one's life.

"Oh, don't mind me, I'm just kind of goofing off, don't even look, because I'm not really trying to do anything."

Right? No possibility of success, no possibility of failure. Which is rather lame, since I DO want to do things, and be taken seriously, and apparently a major issue may be to convince myself that I have as much right to be here doing my thing as anyone else. What if I've just been lamenting that no one takes me seriously, when I've been sabotaging things by not taking myself seriously?

Does this even make sense? I may come back and clarify when I'm no longer in a post-dentist-adrenalin surge.

ETA: I did come and clean this up a little. So there!

Good Things, Bad Things

Of course, I recovered from my overly dramatized insomnia. And along with Daylight Savings Time comes the flip side of getting to sleep in an extra hour--darkness by 5:30. In my particular corner of the world, we are fortunate enough to have some kind of daylight from 5am to 11pm in the summer, but the other side of the coin involves December--when it's dark when you arrive at work, and dark when you leave. Incredibly depressing. The ridiculously frigid temperatures don't help much, either.

All this talk of the flip side is bringing me back to my youth--that song "Living On The B Side" or whatever it was called. Does anyone besides me remember that?

Good things about this weekend:
I started my play. I am 10 pages in (mostly monologue, so it's a lot of writing), and still managing to outrun the "this is crap" thoughts and just write. I have promised myself that if it will be an utter embarrassment, I won't submit it to the thing whose deadline I am forcing myself to write toward. We'll see if I am qualified to judge that.

I got asked "Are you skinny?" today by a good friend who hadn't seen me in a while. Apparently I am looking quite a bit skinnier, even to a boy who is usually unobservant about these things.

Our awesome jar system seems to be working well for our finances. Tons of healthy groceries purchased, and some money left for the rest of the week.

I got a flu shot.

I finally got some more copies of one of my other scripts printed to send out to the companies who don't do electronic submissions.


Bad (or Less Good) Things About This Weekend:

I haven't been to the gym in almost 2 weeks. I was legitimately sick for about a week, and then circumstances/lack of motivation conspired to keep me away from the elliptical. Oops. The many mini chocolate bars at my disposal were not allies, either.

I managed to take two whole days off and spend them working. Not on my day job, which I'm trying to get a little distance from, but on my editing gig (we can really use the extra cash for the holidays), and this stupid play that may not really be a play. I have this thing where I feel restless and guilty about "not doing anything", but feel frazzled and overworked when I allow myself to do as much shit as possible and get everything accomplished in my free time.

Although I now have the money (or at least, thrift store money) to get some new pants, I didn't manage to squeeze clothes shopping in this weekend. Must do that this week, since my work clothes look silly.

Have not practiced singing nearly enough.

This week, I have a lot of things to do: send out at least one script, keep working on that elusive first draft, get some new pants, get some singing happening. And get back to the gym! Snow is supposed to start happening this week, which is ick, although we're already 3 weeks behind schedule.

What are you doing this week?

Insomnia

Insomnia is the absolute worst thing. I know they say to get out of bed and go do something rather than just lying there not sleeping, but I'm too tired to do anything besides read the internet. And I feel like I'm running out of internet to read. Plus there's the anxiety that the clock inches ever closer to the time I need to get up for work tomorrow morning. Ever have that "OK, if I go to sleep RIGHT NOW, I will get 5 hours of sleep. If I go to sleep RIGHT NOW, I will still get over 4 and a half hours of sleep. OK, I'll go to sleep NOW. No, NOW." And so on.

Insomnia always gets me a little maudlin, as well. All that time alone with your thoughts to contemplate what you've done wrong in your life, or even better, what you're probably doing wrong RIGHT NOW and don't even realize it yet--it won't become apparent until some insomniac night several years from now.

OK, insomnia may make me a little overdramatic. It's not life or death stuff. Mostly I'm thinking about how it's still so painful to try and make friends with people and be rejected. I blame this on four things: elementary school, junior high, high school, and facebook. I think I may have a special sensitivity to this issue, having not been terribly good at making friends in my formative years. I had that great combination of being a little shy and a lot sensitive, which made me bully bait, which made me socially awkward, which made me bully bait, which made me... well, you get the picture. But even now, I'm sooooo sensitive to rejection of the personal nature. I get that not everyone has to like me or want to be my friend. But it still hurts to be outright rejected, or, somehow worse, ignored.

It's funny, rejection professionally is frustrating and sadness-making, but it just doesn't hit me in the same place. I guess I feel more confident in my artistic abilities than I am in my person-abilities?

Argh, clearly contemplating these kinds of issues are not going to help me with my sleep problem. Going to go try and catch some zeds, friends.

On awaiting responses...

A friend and fellow playwright wrote something to this effect on facebook the other day:

"Along with every script sent out goes a little bit of hope, which must be forgotten."

Which I thought described exactly what it's like to send out scripts.

Sending out scripts isn't terribly difficult. You don't need to "know" people (although it can help). All you need to do is some research--what companies are developing/producing new work? Of those companies, which of them do seasons which could possibly include your play? How do they like their submissions--first 10 pages and a summary, or full script, or only on recommendation of someone they know? Really, you just have to be organized, have a strong summary and a good query letter. And copies of your script, for those companies that aren't accepting electronic submissions.

Sending them out is a little bit fun--there's possibility attached to each one, one more of those magic if's that we are so fond of in theatre. And you know, they say you have to have a thick skin to deal with all the rejection in the arts, but the truth of it is, a lot of times the only response you get is no response at all.

Same goes for auditions--if you hear nothing, it means that someone else must have gotten it, and no one is going to tell you how good you were, or what you could do to improve. No news is their final answer.

I have some scripts that have been out for close to a year, with no response. I always struggle in terms of follow up, especially with utter strangers--people I don't know, and with whom my friends didn't put in a good word for me.

I don't think about it a lot--I figure the more people I get to read my scripts, the better my chances are of finding someone who's excited about them and wants to develop them further. All you can do is keep moving forward, because seriously, you could be waiting forever and never hear a word.

Do You Have A Creative Motto?

Well, I guess it's more of an inspirational quote than a motto, strictly speaking, but this year I've found a lot of strength from this particular quotation:

Still and all, why bother? Here's my answer. Many people need desperately to receive this message: 'I feel and think much as you do, care about many of the things you care about, although most people do not care about them. You are not alone.'
Kurt Vonnegut

That kick in the ass...

Don't we all need one, sometimes?

I have a great job--an arts-adjacent job where it's understood that this is NOT where I want to be for the rest of my life, and that it's expected that I will take time off to do gigs here and there, or go to playwriting workshops, or what have you. They bank my time, so I get paid when I'm not here. They're flexible with my hours. My co-workers are divine. The rest of the organization... well, thankfully I don't have a lot of contact with them.

However, yesterday, I had to get involved in a multi-departmental situation, and to stand up for myself and my department after getting a rather dismissive email smackdown. I agonized while sending my response, thought about it and thought about what I should have said while I was leaving work. And then, at the gym, the machines with little tv's attached were full. I know, you don't work quite as hard while watching tv, but it was my guilty pleasure and a good way to pass the time. So I was forced to just listen to my ipod the whole time.

Which was great, because I realized that I was getting worked up over whether people would still like me, or if I would be successful in my job, or feeling like I didn't belong in my job, when it suddenly hit me:

I don't belong in this job.

I mean, I am mostly good (even very good) at my job, but was I born to deal with administrative issues and spreadsheets and resolving customer disputes? No. No, that's really not what I'm cut out to do. So all my wishing that I was in a rehearsal hall, or in my studio at home, or writing in some coffee shop--all that stuff is what I'm made to do. To make things, to be creative.

So why should I lose sleep and get my stomach in knots over a job that I should be working towards eventually not needing? Shouldn't I focus my energy on getting some more gigs, on writing more, on getting myself out there so I can spend my time doing the thing I really like?

It's hard. I'm an over-achiever. I like to be good at everything. I need to please people. I need to stop doing that so much. I need to stop making excuses--and isn't "I'm too worried about work which is eating all my brain time anyway" an excuse?

I am starting a new play--the one that I'm not sure if it's a play or a personal demon. I have a feeling I won't know until I get there. Starting makes me nervous. Not starting makes me crazy. It's time, people!

So that was my kick in the ass for the week. What was yours?

Readings and Writings (but no 'Rithmetic)

Just a quick update--I am doing a 10-minute reading from my latest play this weekend, which I'm excited and a little nervous about. It was one of those things that initially made me think "Aaaah! I can't do this!", which immediately made me think "Then I should say I'll do it." I've never done a reading of my own work, so there's all the fussy little details of how to differentiate between characters while reading, and what section to choose that is relatively self-contained but still entertaining.

I've also been plugging away at my submissions--I'm submitting to a couple of festivals this week that would take me to other cities. Which is exciting! But I'm not getting my hopes up too high. Yet.

I had coffee with my old singing teacher yesterday, and we had a brief chat about all the shenanigans with my current teacher, who I guess has also become my old teacher, because I just kind of took a break, which turned into an extended leave.

Which has been good, ultimately. Although it seems like it could be awkward, but neither of us have tried to contact the other re: more lessons, so I think it's best that the two of us continue down our separate paths.

I'm already in the planning stages of another workshop in January (the same play I'm reading from on Saturday), and I probably have to find a different director due to scheduling issues. I'm not exactly thrilled or bursting with ideas at the moment about this. I suppose I would say I'm open, but choosy.

And I think that's all the news that is the news. I have a vague feeling that I should be starting a new writing project soon, but I don't know if it's a "should because isn't that what I ought to be doing" or a "should because I am ready to begin a new project".

I guess we'll see.

Support

Well, the grant is in, and now all we have to do is wait. In the meantime, I read the letters of support that went along with the grant--I was humbled. These people said incredible things about my work and my play, and I just feel--well, humbled.

It's so easy to feel alone in this business--it's easy to feel like you're being passed over, or everyone else is doing amazing things while you're being left behind, or that you're just not accomplishing things fast enough. But I felt so good that so many people were so into the project, and so excited to be a part of it. And that, eventually, finally I will get to see this play in production somewhere in the next few seasons.

So. I sent out some submissions that I've been sitting on for a while, just out of--I don't know, laziness? Inertia? But it felt good to get off my ass and actually do something proactive. I think everyone has those pity-parties once in a while. How couldn't you? But it's not how many times you fall, it's how many times you get back up.

Isn't it funny when cheesy things are true?

Whew!

Today I am rejoicing in two things, one a little more narcissistic than the other:
1) I got my first weight-loss compliment from a stranger (well, my boss, but from someone who is not related to/married to me)
2) Today is a grant deadline and I have a fantastic grant application winging its way to the powers that be!

With regards to (1), I think I probably whine about my chub quite enough on the blog, but it seems like something is finally working. I am now down almost 20 lbs from the start of the year, which is sloooooooow, but I'll take it!

With regards to (2), well, a local director with a respected and established independent theatre company approached me last weekend and said "Hey, I've been thinking--I'd like us to apply for a grant to do a large-scale workshop of your play. Only trouble is the deadline is Thursday. Do you think we can do it?"

Well, obviously we can! So I have spent the last few days writing synopses, artist statements, and helping to assemble a crack team of artists to work on this project, should it actually get some funding. I'm excited! And kind of blown away when said director told me the names of the people who were writing letters of support for our application. Some crazy important people are very supportive of me and my work. Which sounds like bragging, but I'm kind of in awe about it.

I really hope this goes through! Now, to sit back and wait for the next 5 months... no, just kidding. I've got to keep the momentum going, right?

Fight inertia!