I'm engaged in a battle of wills with a chocolate bar.

I'm trying to eat healthier, y'all. Trying to prevent the diabeetus, drop a few pounds, that kind of thing. And I work in an environment where there is always some kind of treat/snack out for communal consumption. Today's treat: fun-sized Coffee Crisp chocolate bars. This of course follows yesterday's mental statement "I'm going to make it one week without eating crap at work!" Followed hard upon by another mental statement: "I will try to make it 3 days without eating crap at work." Followed by today's rebuttal from the bowl of chocolate bars: "Come ON! We're fun-sized! FUN-SIZED!" Clearly I'm a living embodiment of a Cathy cartoon. I'm also out of my healthy snacks. But I only have to be here for 2 more hours, then heading to the gym, and even though my co-worker has been on a mail run for about four times as long as usual and no one would even see me eat the chocolate bar, I am not going to break. Oh, my play? How's that going? Well, as you can see, I've already written a couple of paragraphs on my blog so far. So I've written something. And I have the script open on my desktop, so it's, you know, open and ready to receive my creative musings and whimsies. The secret is really in getting the writing to coincide with the open document. It's tricky like that.

Customer service would be great if it weren't for all the customers...

That pretty much sums it up. I'm feeling a bit burnt out by the entitlement, the yelling, the unreasonableness, the fact that people are going this mental over TICKETS. For concerts! It's not like I purposely destroyed your last vial of insulin, people! I also woke up this morning to a blanket of snow. For reals. It's really being a bit of an ugh day. When it seemed like the weather might actually be appropriate for the season, I was thinking about trying my hand at container gardening. For vegetables. Historically, I've never been someone who was into gardening. The bugs, the sun, the outdoorsiness of it... these are not things I am great with. But I do love eating stuff fresh from the garden. I remember my grandparents' garden (my grandfather was a farmer in the old country, but his family had to sell the land due to the dastardly acts of a distant cousin named Hannibal--I know, right?) was always amazing. My mom gardened for a while as well, until she realized that the railway ties she'd been using for her raised bed gardens were probably surreptitiously poisoning us. So I'm thinking that I'll try a couple of plants--just basics. I'm thinking cherry tomatoes, cucumbers, and maybe some lettuce. Oh, and perhaps some hot peppers, just because. But that's it. I'm sure I can handle 4 pots of plants, right? I do have a history of getting overly ambitious with projects like this. Today: I am going to write something on my play, dammit. I hate when people complain that writing is HARRRRRDDDD and consider that their writing time. But writing is HARRRRRRDDDDD, y'all! I am also going to brave the snow/rain/sleet/plague of frogs to see a play tonight. Hopefully that will be the last time I have to wear my winter boots this year!

Tuesday

So I'm gradually chipping away at that 3-month plan I keep vaguely mentioning. I think I've found a fantastic new monologue that is slightly terrifying to start approaching... it's both Canadian and contemporary, which kills two birds with one stone for many audition requirements. And I'm narrowing it down in new Shakespeare land. Now I need to find a song. I have some ideas. But. My voice teacher, who's one of those fantastic songbirds who was just always encouraged to sing, always enjoyed singing, and is just plain megatalented asked me "why do you think singing is so nervewracking to so many people". And I said "Because if I'm getting up there and singing for someone, I'm implying that I think I'm good." I suppose it's the same for anything you agree to get up and do in front of people--from a job interview to a whistling contest to being an auctioneer.... you are in some way saying "Yeah, I can do this" just from the sheer act of saying "Let me show you this". It's audition season. I've pledged to submit to as many things as I can and see who will take me. I'm also going to start writing a play. I've decided to startle myself into doing it. Essentially, when I was at the Big Important Writing Workshop in the Mountains a couple of months ago, I was given an assignment to have a first draft done by May 15. At which point I am to email the Big Important Writer and let him know whether or not I did it. This has been hanging over my head since the beginning of March, and while I've been noodling about with it, I haven't really sat down to tackle it in a major way. But I've resolved. I've come up with a kooky idea. And I will be bold and possible bad. I will potentially suck at writing this. This could be a HUGE MESS, folks. But I have to start writing it this week. Coincidentally, my boss, who sits in a position directly behind me where she can see my screen, is going on a 2-week vacation tomorrow. Could it be the universe giving me the green light?

Perhaps I should have been a plumber...

For a variety of reasons, not the least of which is our success with DIY fixing the toilet last weekend. Plus, I think that plumbers make crazy amounts of money! And some of them start ghost hunting services in their free time! AND our shower is now broken. I have a feeling that the expiration date on our house may be fast approaching--everything seems to be falling apart. Take last night, when I went to take a shower, pulled up the little knob, and it wouldn't pull. And wouldn't pull. And I asked my husband to give it a try, and the little knob pulled off right in his hand. Oops. Internet research tells us that this may be a cheap, relatively easy fix, but we have to take the faucet off. And since we have one of those weird hand-held shower things, I'm not sure if we have to replace the whole thing, or can just do parts, and do they still have parts from eleventy-billion years ago when the house was built? I think we may need to call an expert in on this one. A professional, expensive expert. So there's that. Then this morning I had a dentist appointment, got to work late, then got in shit from a client for something they think is my mistake, but the error was really in their assumption. Well, and possibly my mistake, a little. I did things the normal way, not realizing that for several years said client has been a special snowflake and has come to consider that the norm. In any case, it will be fixed, but it hasn't been a great start to my day. I think I have a case of the Mondays, amirite people? How has your week started off?

Everything's coming up Milhouse!

Well, at least in the home appliance department--I've just found out that we are getting a BRAND NEW washer this Saturday! Our old washer died a gruesome death about a month ago, after J tried to wash an ill-advisedly large load. This means that we will finally be able to have CLEAN CLOTHES again (apologies to my ancestors, but my hand-washing skills are decidedly not up to par), rather than wandering the earth looking for quarters for the laundromat, or kindly friends who have in-suite laundry themselves.

Of course, the price of clean clothes means that we will have to clean the basement before the blessed machine's arrival, or suffer the judgement of the delivery men. Also the judgement of our landlady's son, which we will never stop hearing about. It's quite amazing that an area of the house we never use can become so hoard-y so quickly. It's not quite so fun to clean, as I am always hypervigilant to the possibility of spiders/other random creepy crawlies.

Winter is here again?

That is one of the downsides of living in ye olde prairies--apart from the urge to vote even more conservatively when people think the government needs changing, there is the changeable weather. While I read on facebook that my friends across the country are enjoying unseasonably warm weather, I often come home and think "the snow has FINALLY melted" and wake up the next morning to find my lawn has been blanketed anew. No snow in the forecast today, but it's just above the freezing mark. I don't know how to dress in the morning. It's tragic, I know. Since I haven't had the chance or the finance to hit up Valoo Village for some spring/summer work clothes that fit, it's probably just as well that the cooler weather hangs out a little longer.

Some updates: J's mom is extremely ill, and he will likely be reducing his work hours to spend more time with his family, as the situation is... not good. This means that I'll more than likely need to take up the financial slack, as we're on quite a tight budget already. My contract gig says they'll be coming through with a new offer/contract sometime today, but of course that's no guarantee of what kind of work will be available, or how much. I've kind of slacked off on the shitty part-time job search, but I may have to step up my efforts, depending on what my new contract looks like. We are gradually chipping away at our debt, and I would surely like to keep at it.

Waiting to read a script for the show I'm doing this summer--I've worked with the playwright before, so it should be good fun, and a sweet little paycheck in September.

My efforts to include other creative work besides writing/singing/acting in my life include making a pile of new recipes this week. Yes, it's Jamaican Week at our house, which goes so nicely with the weather. I've also returned to my poor half-finished sock I started many months ago--I am boring and prefer to make plain socks, but I decided to branch out into a more challenging pattern. I can't say I'm a fan. I like to watch tv while I knit, without the distraction of remembering how many repeats I've done, or if this is the double increase or does this look wonky because I did the pattern for round 4 when I should have done round 7?

I know, there's just no satisfying me.

I can't stand the rain...

Mostly because our basement is in grave danger of flooding--there is a leak in our old house, and every spring we are faced with a depressing couple of days of shop-vac-ing out water for hours at a time.

In other watery news, we are going to attempt to fix our toilet today. Nothing like a little diy plumbing to start off the weekend! I am confident in our combined mechanical abilities, as well as the helping powers of the internet. I can't imagine how people must have screwed up their home repairs without the internet. Of course, the internet basically says it's dead easy to do this kind of stuff yourself, so perhaps it has resulted in more disasters overall.

In exciting news, I just got asked to do a show this summer! And as much as I am trying NOT to focus on outside validation, I must confess, it is awfully nice to be validated. It sounds like a funny script, and the folks involved are good eggs all around. This is a classic example of how you say one thing ("No one is EVER going to call me for anything!") and the universe thwarts you two days later by doing just that.

Thanks, universe!

Small bits of progress

I am still feeling like le poop, but am working to keep on keeping on. I've started trying to figure out some new monologues, Shakespeare being my current challenge. It seems like the majority of Shakespeare's women are either 18 or 60, which is a bit problematic for those of us in between. And, of course, you want to avoid the ones that get done a lot, or the ones from the play that has recently been done by the theatre in question. I do think that if you truly kick ass at a piece, you shouldn't worry about it being overdone, but it's nice to have something a little more rare, all the same.

I'm leaning toward some of the goodies in Henry VI, Part 3, which I have never read. And I should probably read parts 1 and 2 as well. I am a little overwhelmed by the complexity of the history, but I guess I'll just have to get over that.

Last night I actually did some mending. Even though we're horribly poor at the moment, there's just no reason for us to look like hobos (or hobettes, or whatever the female version of a hobo might be). Just a Werner Herzog documentary on Netflix, tacos, and mending. Ah, this frugal life.

I've also started applying for that second job I've so been looking forward to. On one hand, it will be so great to have a little money left over at the end of the month. On the other hand, I'm feeling a bit ugh about the prospect of leaving my current job at the end of the day to go pour coffee or check out groceries or whatever I end up doing.

I still have that play to write. And baking to do. And all the other ands on my list of stuff to do in the next three months.

But my taxes are done! Praise be to the gods for House Hunters International marathons for giving me the boost to get all those receipts sorted. Every year, I vow to change my receipt-storing habits, and every year I find myself sorting through various pieces of paper.

And how is your Wednesday?

I'm having a real "Hulk Smash" kind of day...

Which has improved by the news that I have won a free bottle of salad dressing from Safeway! Apparently, that's the reward I get for finally dumping the accumulated receipts from my wallet. For this year, mind you. I have been putting off dealing with last year's receipts, which may or may not be in a huge pile in my office.

My day job is turning into quite a toxic environment, which is not news, but sometimes it is either more toxic or my tolerance is lower, or both. I have four hours left today, not that I'm counting.

I am off to a bit of a slow start with the 3 month plan, but I am not giving up! I am currently looking for a new Shakespeare monologue, as well as new contemporary monologues. And a couple of good songs to add to my book. This month's extracurricular creative activity is "Bake Something". I have my eye on the mustache cookie cutters I got for Christmas--I think some chocolate roll-out mustaches may be in my future soon.

In mentally-interesting news, I have already switched medications once, and the new one is better but gives me crazy, intense, epic dreams. Like, multi-layered, multi-part dreams that seem to span years in dreamtime and leave me feeling a bit exhausted when I wake up. Also, one of the side effects is weight gain--not from metabolism, but from the appetite increase... which I am starting to feel the effects of today.

In writing news, a fellow from Germany requested to read one of my scripts this weekend. I'm preparing to be rejected on the continent as well as in the colonies.

And in achievement news, I can now do 30 girlie pushups!

How is your day going?

Third time's the... charm?

In a truly shocking turn of events, I had a third audition this week--yes, three auditions in a month's time! I really didn't want to go, because I was full of self-doubt and such, but I'm trying to get better about saying "yes" to things, and not letting that fear/doubt/angst control my decisions. So I went, and of course they were running almost an hour behind, and there were all kinds of skinny blonde types there, but it ended up being a really great experience.

For one thing, I had one of those moments of realization--I knew a few people who were also auditioning (for a tv pilot being produced locally), and chatting with them I realized that I always assume people will think I don't belong there, acting-wise, I mean.

"What is she doing here? Who does she think she is? Does she actually think she deserves to be here?"

Because obviously I'm not only psychic, but everyone is thinking about me ALL the time, right? Anyhoo, I realized "Hey, these people aren't questioning whether I can act/should be here/whatever negative thing I impose on them. They accept that I am here because... I'm here."

So... I spend all this time worrying about not being validated by others, when in reality the person who isn't validating me is--me.

Oops.

But I digress. Not only was I having all these staggering personal revelations, but I actually did a really kick-ass audition. I mean, I totally killed it. I made them laugh, I did great with redirects. I heard the director comment "Excellent" on my way out of the room. I was so glad I went.

Even though I didn't book it, I did an awesome job. And it was FUN, which is something I can't always say about auditions. It was fun because I totally forgot about trying to impress anyone (I'm not really suitable age or physical type wise for what I think they're looking for) and just acted.

In other news: I have a three-month plan. Of things I can do to work on craft, vocal technique, writing, this whole creative life thing. Small steps, totally doable, totally changeable if I wish.

Annnnnnd it is looking like I can no longer avoid getting a second job. Freelance gig is not coming through as they promised, and things are getting a little strapped all up in here. Will it be retail? Food service? Toilet cleaning?

Who can say?

400 Posts!

Friends, Romans, countrymen... I have not forsaken you. I suppose I wanted to save post #400 for something special, then realized I might be waiting a long, long time. Since my last post, I have had a couple of auditions--one somewhat disastrous, and one quite good--both directors went with someone else, though. I got rejected from a big fancy playwriting retreat in the mountains, and am still waiting to hear back from several places about a couple of plays. My freelance editing gig has left me somewhat in limbo. I have done countless medical improvs where I pretended to be a sick person for the benefit of medical students.

I have to admit, I could really use a "yes" right now. I am feeling a bit beaten down at the moment. I admit that I have had fleeting (and not so fleeting) thoughts about quitting. I have a feeling that these are just escapist fantasies--the idea of running off and doing something totally different and starting over is vaguely appealing. I think these are just fleeting thoughts and fantasies, though. Really, I have just been feeling like le poop for a couple of months, so much so that I have elected once more to seek chemical assistance for it from my new MD. Life has been a little rough on all fronts--money, sick family members, toxic day job environment. It's fairly easy to get buried in all that, not to mention my usual struggles of being soincrediblyjealous of others (a habit I am trying hard to break).

HOWEVER, I read a great post on another artist's blog today, about the benfits of being grateful. Yes, it sounds quite Oprah-ish, but the post was about how being grateful for what you have is sometimes the best way to get to where you want to be. And I do have a lot to be grateful for.

So, no exciting news after the first 400 posts, folks--I will just keep on keeping on for the next 400. I would like to post a bit more about creative stuff over the next 400, maybe about creative process (because who doesn't like to hear artists wax eloquent about their creative process?), but I promise not to be wanky about it. Or maybe I'll post some not-related-to-theatre creativity, like knitting and sewing and baking.

I need a bit of a fresh perspective, I think. Just in time for the change of season.

Be well, friends and neighbours!

Back

I am back from my workshop--suffice it to say, it was a very intense time. There is something about Banff that really seems to amplify whatever is going on creatively and emotionally. I know I'm not the only person who's experienced that. I don't know if I came away with a new play I'm excited about, which was a little disappointing. But I think I got something more valuable--I was forced to confront some of my feelings about my need for validation, about giving away my power, about how I need to make my own place. A whole bunch of stuff. Plus I met a really terrific and talented group of people who are supportive and excited about each other's projects.

I think I'm in a better place about my feelings of failure/non-achievement. I think I may even be in a better place about figuring out how to move forward and get some stuff done.

A good place to start--I have a commercial audition tomorrow. It involves playing a mom, so I have a feeling a lot of the casting will be determined by how much I may look like the kid they end up casting.

Glad to be back and moving forward.

I made it!

After a long day of travel, I am here.
I had to wait for my room to be ready. But when it was, I found out I am in the same room as when I was here a year and a half ago.
It's a strangely comforting coincidence.

I was going to think of something clever and self-deprecating to write, but then I couldn't. But happy pancakes,everyone!

Today I am working till 1pm, then I have a voice coaching, then some errands, then seeing a show, then packing, then going to bed so I can head off to my class in the mountains tomorrow.

I am nervous. Nervous to the point where part of my brain thinks "Gosh, I kind of wish I didn't have to do this", which is ridiculous, and not at all indicative of what I really want. Just the nerves talking. So I am excited and nervous.

I realize sometimes how much I crave validation, which is an ugly thing to realize about yourself. And creative work that comes from a validation-seeking place just isn't...grounded? Authentic? I don't know, it just isn't truthful somehow. I suppose realizing ugly things about yourself is the first step towards changing those things.

But still.

Also, I am only going away for 5 days. Also, the class is only 3 days long. Also, contrary to what my anxiety tells me, I am in fact talented, deserving, and likeable. And adventurous, even though I think I'm not.

How do you get to the point where you don't have to consciously remind yourself of those things? Or do you have to keep reminding yourself until it becomes autmatic and you don't think about it as reminders at all?

Anyhoo, here's to new adventures!
And mountains!
And pancakes!

Ce soir...

I had a franglais conversation (that's a mixture of French and English) with a real live francophone tonight... he was a playwright whose reading I was at, and we got to chatting about theatre and Montreal, and we were just switching back and forth. Usually I am too self-conscious about my French to use it with a native speaker--I'm so aware that I'm probably making silly mistakes, or that it's so much more of an effort to THINK of the words I want to use. But why not go for it? What did I do all those years of French immersion for if not to speak the language?

Actually, I was pretty pleased with myself for being socially... well, socially competent tonight. Usually I'm content just to nod and smile and listen to everyone else, but tonight I actually made the effort to not just give in to shyness.

This is great, because I have been feeling a bit defeated by life this week... some crap happened that has changed our financial situation a bit, and it was just one of those times when all the little things sort of piled up to make life much more difficult. I need to get into a better frame of mind before next week's workshop.

Onward and upward!

Why have I never realized....

That I can just wear Spanx? Seriously, I saw both my actors putting them on the other night. And they are people with lovely shapes who just wanted to smooth things out a little bit.

Although in my case, it might be the off-brand, cheap version until I can save up to purchase actual Spanx, which I think are pricy.

None of this nonsense of layering several pairs of Spanx, though. I call shenanigans on that. That sounds (a)uncomfortable to the extreme, and (b) like it would put me at risk for some kind of flesh explosion somewhere. I don't want to spend my time on constant alert for that quiet tearing sound that results in bulge-mageddon.

The reading and other updates

So I had my play reading, which went really well--out of the 80 people invited, roughly 20 showed up, which, sadly, is a pretty standard turnout. Based on responses, I do think emailing people or contacting them personally on Facebook was the way to go--a lot of folks were in rehearsal/otherwise engaged, but they seemed to appreciate the fact that I'd thought of them. There were a couple of people who emailed me to say they'd for sure for sure be there and they were so jazzed about it who didn't show up, which is... well, what it is. The workshop itself was pretty intense (I've discovered that people enjoy discussing the issues presented in the play, to the point where they really want to make things more complicated than neccessary. Maybe that needs to be clearer writing on my part, maybe it just means some additional notes up front. I haven't decided.)

I got a mysterious email from a certain Artistic Director, with whom I had Some Very Big Drama a while back. Apparently he's still interested in my plays, and while I do not wish for him to direct my plays, I did float the idea by of a co-pro with a different director. We'll see if that goes anywhere.

Yesterday I found out that my awesome, amazing doctor is giving up her family practice and I have to find a new doctor... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Although Canadian healthcare isn't the dying-in-the-waiting-room-over-four-days mess that certain media outlets and anti-socialized-medicine types would have it seem to be, where I live, it's hard to find a family doctor accepting new patients. So there's that. My doctor did suggest someone in her same clinic, so I guess I will go meet him and see how it goes.

Also in doctor news, I am STILL GAINING WEIGHT. Seriously, on 1200-1400 calories a day and workouts 4-5 times a week. WTF? So off to the thyroid test I go once more. I think it was approaching borderline last time, so I am almost hoping that it has nudged over the edge. I mean, not that I want to have a thyroid condition, but at this point it would be almost relieving to know that there was SOMETHING going on and I wasn't just some metabolic weirdo.

I am contemplating doing a giving-up-sugar thing for a month or so to see if that helps. This will be very hard, because I loves me my sugar.

Annnd I think that's it. It was rough coming back to my regular job after time away doing the thing I actually want to do. I suppose I should take it as a reminder of where I should be aiming to be, and all that.

Oh, and my agent never did respond, if anyone's keeping track. I think it's time to make a move on that front.

I Got In!

To one of the workshops I was applying to--a totally amazing opportunity to learn about performance creation from an amazing artist. In the gorgeous, fabulous mountains. In one month!

I'm so thrilled! I'm a little bit eeeeek about how I'm going to pay for it, but it's going to be so worth it. I just got paid for some of my gigs, which can go toward it, and then I will have to installment-plan myself to pay it off without running up a ton of debt.

I also spent last night sending personal facebook messages/a nicely worded group email to invite folks to my play reading--and I have actually been getting responses. I think some people may actually show up!

2012, you are MINE!

In summary...

There is nothing worse than writing summaries of your own play. Nothing.

I either have to get better at summarizing, or start writing plays that are more easily summarized.

I am writing an email to invite people to a reading of one of my plays next Monday. As a dear friend pointed out, it's important to promote your work, because no one else is going to do it for you. So although I feel a bit "Really? Me?" about sending out such emails, I am trying to just sound like a normal human who happens to be a professional theatre artist, and whose work you would naturally want to see and take seriously. I decided against a Facebook event, because I kind of feel like no one takes them terribly seriously, and an email at least suggests that I am personally inviting YOU to come, rather than just clicking the names of everyone I know.

Who would have thought email would be a more old-fashioned way to invite people to things?

Today

It is -30C, but feels like -44C with the windchill. Today my hair froze to my eyelashes, which also froze a little bit to the top of my scarf, and when I got on the bus all the little ice crystals abruptly melted, causing my eye makeup to dissolve and run down my face.

It's that kind of day. But I finished and submitted all that editing work, despite technical problems, and I don't have any more shows to see until Sunday. I am looking forward to going to the gym and then going HOME. Where I will unashamedly relax in my leopard-print Snuggie.

There has been no response from my agent. But I did read a terrific blog post that reminded me there are many things I can do to get creative. I'm looking for new monologues to work on... not because I have any auditions scheduled, just--well, just because. I mean, yes I will be ready when audition season rolls around, but I think I sort of forgot that you can work on things just to work on them, without having a reason. Just to practice your craft, to explore, and to get better.

And yes, I feel like a bit of an idiot for having lost sight of that. I get so focused on having something lined up, some specific goal to work toward, so focused on what everyone else is doing/achieving that I forgot it's ok (and neccessary) just to work on craft. Because I love it, because I need practice, because it will make me ready when the time comes.

I wish there were more opportunities to do real scene-study class here. For now, I'm going to organize my own personal class.

I hope your day is going warmly!