Third time's the... charm?

In a truly shocking turn of events, I had a third audition this week--yes, three auditions in a month's time! I really didn't want to go, because I was full of self-doubt and such, but I'm trying to get better about saying "yes" to things, and not letting that fear/doubt/angst control my decisions. So I went, and of course they were running almost an hour behind, and there were all kinds of skinny blonde types there, but it ended up being a really great experience.

For one thing, I had one of those moments of realization--I knew a few people who were also auditioning (for a tv pilot being produced locally), and chatting with them I realized that I always assume people will think I don't belong there, acting-wise, I mean.

"What is she doing here? Who does she think she is? Does she actually think she deserves to be here?"

Because obviously I'm not only psychic, but everyone is thinking about me ALL the time, right? Anyhoo, I realized "Hey, these people aren't questioning whether I can act/should be here/whatever negative thing I impose on them. They accept that I am here because... I'm here."

So... I spend all this time worrying about not being validated by others, when in reality the person who isn't validating me is--me.

Oops.

But I digress. Not only was I having all these staggering personal revelations, but I actually did a really kick-ass audition. I mean, I totally killed it. I made them laugh, I did great with redirects. I heard the director comment "Excellent" on my way out of the room. I was so glad I went.

Even though I didn't book it, I did an awesome job. And it was FUN, which is something I can't always say about auditions. It was fun because I totally forgot about trying to impress anyone (I'm not really suitable age or physical type wise for what I think they're looking for) and just acted.

In other news: I have a three-month plan. Of things I can do to work on craft, vocal technique, writing, this whole creative life thing. Small steps, totally doable, totally changeable if I wish.

Annnnnnd it is looking like I can no longer avoid getting a second job. Freelance gig is not coming through as they promised, and things are getting a little strapped all up in here. Will it be retail? Food service? Toilet cleaning?

Who can say?