the requisite update

so i'm not so good at the daily blog yet. but there are new things, and some things that are not so new, but are still with me.
the newest of the new is that i have a wondrous new gig, editing dialogue for voice-over for a video game company. which is fabulous and perplexing and a little scary. but also lucrative and temporary. so i've decided that due to extraordinary opportunity, i will put off the rest of my grant time until september, when i can resume my regular schedule, and then be happily unemployed until 2009.
fortunately, i get to do a lot of my work at home because i am so gimped out with my back, so i plan to work in some writing and crafting time as part of a balanced mental life.
speaking of my back, i am feeling very stuck and frustrated with it. i hate having to plan my daily excursions. i hate not being able to do things like just randomly go shopping, because i can't walk around long enough to do any browsing. i hate losing sleep and walking like an old lady.
not that i feel overjoyed at the prospect of back surgery, mind you. but it seems like all signs are pointing to "yes" in that regard. i'll know more when i visit the surgeon in May.
maybe because i'm feeling so stuck in general, my "change your life completely" fantasies are taking hold. go back to school for something unrelated? why not? consider becoming a cabaret singer? sure! masters in history? couldn't be any less useful than my undergrad! how about nursing school? or becoming a flight attendant?
and so on. i don't think it's just the prospect of success and accomplishing something that makes my mind wander in this direction. i've always been one to fantasize about having a bunch of different careers. maybe that's why acting and writing works out after all, since i get to have enough of a taste of many different worlds. and the taste is the interesting part of those worlds. none of the annoying, petty, unrewarding parts of any of my imaginary alternate careers.
in other good news? well, i do keep up with the morning pages pretty well. it's really astonishing the volume of pages that get written just by committing to doing it every day.
i've started taking vitamins. okay, i've bought some vitamins, and fully intend to start taking them this weekend.
still vegetarian, which is awesome and keeps me somewhat creative in the kitchen.
i'm thinking of writing a solo show. except that i have no idea of how to do it. and i have this nagging feeling that i should really finish writing LOTD before starting something new. but that's a whole other kettle of worms that i won't bitch about here.
i feel like this post is just me blathering on in a somewhat disorganized fashion. let's chalk it up to the lateness of the hour, my lack of sleep, and what is surely some sort of vitamin deficiency, shall we?
cheers,
u/v

life in limbo

did i say i was going to be updating regularly?
basically, my mantra at the start of each day has been "don't get down on yourself, it's only day of this project." i seem to be fooling myself into having it work so far. i've been doing the morning pages from artist's way quite regularly over the last month or so, and am surprised to find how much it helps. one of these days i'll get around to getting the actual book and doing the rest of it, but small steps, etcetera.
had a lovely meeting with kevin kerr today, the lee playwright in residence at the u of a. he digs my play in progress, known as "The Laws of Thermodynamics". and he had some good ideas about process and approaching act two. some of the usual "don't get down on your writing" stuff, and some more practical stuff, in the sense of "start from the end and work backwards and forwards through the act, rather than start at the beginning". a sort of slide rule approach to the play. of course, my understanding of a slide rule is a cool thing that slides back and forth on a horizontal axis. so don't get the impression that i've suddenly gotten all math-friendly here.
but the suggestion immediately clicked for me-- why not start at the moment i know (the ending) and figure out what happened immediately before? (to those of you who have also read the excellent dramaturgy text "Backwards and Forwards", this will seem elementary to you).
and it was that moment of WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?
which are always excellent moments, because it means that a puzzle piece has clunked into place in my mind. and it seems like it's always the most obvious pieces that take the longest to fit.
also, kevin seemed to understand my completely inarticulate approach to discussing my work. i swear, if i could just barf out some polaroids, this would be much easier for me.
in other news?
let's see, apparently i'm going to an orthopedic surgeon instead of a neurosurgeon, but no word on when that will be. soon, i hope. i needs to get back to walking around again! and shopping!
AND, i am contemplating joining an er... organized weight loss program. rhymes with "Blate Blotchers". but just online. i've heard good things, and i figure i can give it a shot for 3 months and see if it works. yes, it's money. but i think spending some cash could give me the impetus to actually stick with something. cheapskate that i am. in fact, i've gone so far as to transfer the money i would spend to my credit card. now i just need to actually do it.
and as soon as i remember to write the email, i'm dropping the fringe this year. i am number 23 on the waiting list, which could be hopeful, but could mean nothing. i'm interested to see the fringe this year, to see if it's a repeat (or an expansion) of the hot mess it was last year. but i'm not sure i should observe said mess whilst worrying about box office and such. so i will continue to do some work.
fortunately, upcoming projects mean i have an excuse to watch some delicious film noir. any suggestions are welcome.

checking in

so here i am, checking in. i just found out that my meeting for tomorrow is cancelled, which is the latest in a series of annoying roadblocks. nothing that i can't overcome, but aggravating nonetheless. i'm struggling with the notion of the fairness of life, meaning that it is inherently unfair, yet i can't quite subdue my raging sense that things should be equal. rather a kindergarten approach to life, i know. am i ever going to get my foot in the door? will i ever get anyone to listen to me? at this point, people aren't even rejecting me or my work. they're just not seeing me/returning my calls/emails at all.
but i am getting things done, whether it's organizational stuff like cleaning out my closets and getting rid of all the clothes that look dumb/are falling apart, and also some preliminary writing stuff done, too. not to mention all the exciting medical improvs that come at this time of year.
in real life health news, still no word about a neurosurgeon appointment. waiting for a call back in that department as well.
i keep thinking i'm taking action in life, but not seeing the equal and opposite reaction promised to me by physics class!

back on track

i'm sure no one is even bothering to check this anymore, my apologies for my lack of posting. but the good news is that i'm currently unemployed, which is what lead me to blogging in the first place. so now with all my free time, i'm sure to be posting update after pointless update as an aid to procrastination!
why am i so excited to be unemployed, you may be asking? i suppose i'm not technically unemployed, more correctly, i'm self-employed-- i got a grant which will pay for my living expenses for the next 5 months or so while i do nothing but write and create theatre stuff. which is exciting and overwhelming at the same time.
my "official" start date is tomorrow, it being the first of the month. i have a lot of ideas, and not a lot of thought on how to organize myself. but it's supposed to be about discovering a process that works for me, so let the discovering begin...? something like that.
i'm trying really hard to keep a positive attitude. as in, not being insanely jealous of others to the point where it impacts my own work. trying not to let my own insecurities play into things. trying to redirect my energy for positive steps forward, rather than focusing on the negative. hopefully i'll discover some kind of process to keep those nagging, neurotic insecurities in line, too.
in other news, i just got back from the doctor about my mri results-- i've been having back problems for what seems like forever, and in january i found out that i have some pretty impressive arthritis damage in my spine-- apparently pretty rare for someone of my age, and my doc sent me to get more scans. it turns out that my sciatica (sounds like an old person's disease, i know) is likely caused by a super-bulging-out disc in my lumbar spine. the upshot of this is that i get an appointment with a neurosurgeon to discuss options.
which is a little eek. but on the other hand, not being able to walk for more than about 10 minutes at a time is negatively impacting my life. to say the least. and like my doc said, i can at least wait to get a surgical opinion while trying other things, so if i get better waiting for the consult, then bonus for me. so i'm going to continue on with ye olde acupuncture and herbs and physio and whatever else i can come up with before i let someone get an up-close view of my spine.
now that i have time for me, i'm anticipating having more time to do some cooking and crafting as well. so maybe some pics will find their way here.
i think that's all the news that is the news. today i'm sorting out some financial stuff, and waiting for my last paycheque to come in so i can take care of bills. and i have to buy a new cell phone, my phone finally broke into several pieces. i never thought i would miss it so much, but i do.
so, off to roam the city and do some banking.

some thoughts on why we do what we do

i'm doing a show right now. well, not right now, right now i'm at home lazing around and resting up the old spine to do a show tonight. our first since saturday night, so it may be a bumpy ride.
the show might gently be described as "a broad comedy", and as such, i predicted early on that "theatre people" wouldn't dig it that much. or wouldn't want to admit it, anyway. no lessons to be learned, no deep pondering on the meta-ness of existence. or any of those things that we sometimes think that theatre is supposed to bring us to. really, it's just funny and goofy and a little original. entertainment.
opening night-- two of the glitterati of our theatre community came out for opening. i was fascinated talking to them after. the he, (a comic book fan) i think generally got what we were trying to do. the she, well, it was strange. she said with completely sincere insincerity "oh, good work." except i'm pretty sure she didn't like it at all. and she knew i knew she didn't like it. yet we were talking in the regular code that you probably don't want to get me started on.
in any case, we've gotten some good reviews, great exposure on cbc, since peter b. apparently loved the show... he interviewed us yesterday, and they're probably going to play the scene we did for them a few more times this week. which hopefully will boost ticket sales.
and we've been averaging really good houses. for an independent production right after christmas, we're doing great houses. i'm beginning to have hope that we'll come close to breaking even with this one. so "regular people", if you'll pardon the expression, genuinely like the show. "theatre people" sometimes seem to think they're too good for it. so what's more important? is it peer recognition? because don't i spend plenty of time complaining about how we all sit around patting each other on the back constantly? am i a hypocrite because i still want to be part of the in crowd?
or isn't general public recognition, dollars-and-sense-bums-in-seats recongnition most important? i mean, the people in the audience are people that i have no idea who they are. isn't that the greatest? people i don't know and have no connection to are paying money to see us.
sadly, none of those people will buy us drinks at the bar.
yet.

what the?

hey! it's 2008! and i'm updating my blog!
it will be a brief update, since i am at work and there is much filing to attend to.
Amaze-o-nauts previewed last night, which means opening tonight. I think we've really reached the point of media saturation, with articles in all four papers, and a few different mentions on CBC. So all that remains to be seen is whether or not people will come to the show. I sincerely hope that at least 275 people come and pay me their money, as that way we can pay everyone we owe money to. And perhaps even pay some of the people who worked on it.
At this point, I am pretty exhausted. To say nothing of the sore throat and earache I woke up with this morning, which I'm sure will develop into absolutely nothing. I was looking forward to going home at noon and having a nap before the show, but then realized that I have to do the programs. And by "do the programs", I mean I have to figure out how to lay out the programs to print properly, then email it to the printer, go there before they close, and fold programs for the last hour leading up to my call.
It's always at opening that I get so ridiculously nervous as to be wondering "Why do I do this?" and, more commonly "What are my lines?"
Hopefully tonight goes smoothly. This afternoon I will curl up on the couch and watch my stories as I whip out a program. Then tomorrow (my day off), I am going to the gym and buying lots of vegetarian food. Good Lord, I am craving vegetables. No voice lesson tomorrow, which is probably for the best. And then, once I get through Saturday's 2 show day, I have two glorious days off from the show, which I think has not happened since... October?
Wishing myself a big merde!
c

hello, 2008

well, it's been a year of neglect on the blog front. but i had a novel thought: new year, new resolutions to improve myself. perhaps it isn't a novel thought at all, but i thought i'd jot down a few things i want to accomplish this year:

1. go veg for the month of january, and then see where it leads
2. finish my current plays, specifically The Laws of Thermodynamics
3. start some new plays, make good use of my big fat grant
4. get an agent. do some film/tv work.
5. lose 40 lbs. yikes. it would be nice to have a year that this wasn't on the list.
6. schedule time to write on a regular basis, then follow up
7. work out 6 days a week. mix it up.
8. build and use my idea machine. more on this to follow.
9. BLOG. on a regular basis.
10. do a show of my own.
11. look into musical opportunities and be brave about it.
12. get my etsy store up and running

twelve months, twelve resolutions.

so they say, anway

i read this weekend that people with a lot of unfinished projects are holding onto the past in some subconscious way. naturally, i read this upon googling "how to finish what you start" or something like that, finishing things being a concern as of late. i have a pile of knitting done all but for the blocking, a cardigan that's complete but in pieces, scripts lying around in various states of unfinishedness, and yet, i can't help but look eagerly for new things to start. all the while skipping the last essential step to all other projects. am i holding onto the past? perhaps it's more accurate to say i'm resisting the future a little.
i've never been a terribly adventurous person. another google search (i firmly believe that google searches can solve all personal problems) led me to an article in which the writer was taking an improv class. the article stated that people are of two types: those who are most likely to say "yes" and those who are most likely to say "no". i find myself slipping into the latter category as of late, although the article assured me that folks of either type can be taught to do the opposite of their inclination. it didn't mention if improv classes were necessary.
of course, i realize that the only way to put these things behind me is to finish them once and for all, however they turn out, and then move on to exciting new projects in the future.
the problem is, the finishing is so BORING, sometimes. the idea is the exciting bit. unfortunately, i carry the guilt of not finishing until i man up and do it.
guess what i'm doing when i get home tonight?

continuing to give teh poops

yesterday involved some scary phone call making (i have terrible phone phobia at times, in fact, i am often content to just not answer and pretend not to be home) and some scarier email sending. none of which should truly be scary, but i have grown complacent and afraid of change. but i am crossing things off of the ever-present list, which is good. now most of the things left involve writing of some sort, which is, of course, the easiest thing to procrastinate. i find the secret of a good to-do list is to include some fun things that you don't need to be reminded to do, or things that would make you happy to check off (for example, making cookies is a great thing to "have" to do). the trick is to make sure you don't do all the fun stuff first.
in other news, i am disappointed in the safeway near our house. true, the grocery carts are only $0.25, but they have a distinct lack of ingredients i am looking for. soy cheese? no way! nori sheets? take a hike! tahini? shut the front door!
i'm looking forward to going back to save-on tomorrow to pick up the rest of dinners for the week.
and, 'tis the season for fringe to begin again... after this year's debacle, it will be interesting to see if the major players put their money where their mouths were this summer. what will happen if people just refuse to put shows in? or if the much-lauded "alternative to the alternative" actually happens? should i put in for edmonton? should i just try for saskatoon and winnipeg? and finish off with a lazy weekend in athabasca or somewhere? should i treat edmonton like so much tahini and tell it to bug off?

long time no post!

i'll be honest, i am only posting because i made a to-do list for this week and vowed to myself that i would post on my blog again. i'm going to try and be more faithful to posting. and posting pics. it should be easier now, i'm only working half-days at my crappy job, and i should have lots of time to muse on teh internetz. of course, i should be spending that time writing, or pursuing other things that will make me money and still allow me to remain independent. so as of late, i've been picking up little writing gigs, typing gigs, pretending to be sick for student doctor gigs. hopefully all the money will add up.
of course, i'm sure no one is still reading this.
i pledge to be better in the future!
wait, that sounds awfully familiar...

so how's it going?

am i actually giving a shit these days?
well, yes and no.
at my day job, i got a whole bunch of new responsibilites, which is stressing me out to no end. basically, things they said i wouldn't have to deal with during the first year of training (!) are all being piled on my desk right NOW. i've developed a charming little eyelash twitch that i can only attribute to stress. so when i go home, i basically just want to crash and be brainless. not the optimum writing mentality. i do get some stuff done, and i'm knitting my piece for the knitting show (which hopefully we will hear back about soon). but it's been rough going so far. i've decided to try and use my lunch hours to do some writing, not only to make my deadline, but also to make use of when i still have reasonable brain function during the day.
other than that, things are per normal around here. getting settled into the new house, still having to unpack the scores of books. i haven't even unpacked my cookbooks yet, leaving dinners around here to be pretty boring. i'm hoping this weekend to get some of that taken care of. i always work better in an organized environment.

Dear Global Morning News

Just to let you know, although it may be the Dalai Lama's birthday, he has probably heard the "Hello Dalai" joke. also, he is more than "Richard Gere's best friend". But I don't mean in a "more than friends" way, like your mention of Sarah Bernhard's theatrical pursuits.
Keep up the great editorializing of the news,

Catherine

whining on monday morning

i refuse to become unmotivated, but it is hard not to lapse into laziness. perhaps because it's monday, perhaps it's because i got bitten on the face by a huge mosquito this morning on my way to work. maybe it's just that everything is so hot and muggy and gross here and no thunderstorms are in sight.
i know i've written about this before, but every so often, i get tired of the whole social-friendy-friend game. realizing that i have a lingering insecurity from a childhood of nerdiness and outcastation, i find myself wondering how many friends i really have.
not that it's a numbers thing or anything. and i don't know if it's unique to the theatre community. but it seems more than other social groupings to have a huge element of clique-ness about it. i know, quelle surprise. or maybe everyone else is best friends with each other but me. could that be it?
i mean, it's not even about how many friends i have. because i have some great friends, a small circle, and that's how i like it. but every so often i think to myself "i really need to be more social", and i try reaching out to people, and am met sometimes with politeness, often with vagueness or nothing at all.
is it wrong, since i'm trying to not care what people think of me, to wonder if people think of me at all? is this just ego-driven spiral into madness?
i mean, i know a fair number of people. i think most of them like me. but i don't think most of them know (or are terribly interested) in what's going on in my life. they wouldn't help me move. or come trim my christmas tree. or visit me in the hospital. or come to me for help in any way.or any number of activities that constitute friendship.
i shouldn't focus on the unfulfilling superficialities. like i said, i have great friends. but i was kind of hoping social games like that would end with high school. now i see it was just a kind of training ground for the rest of life.

the official kickoff!

yes, here i am, really and truly giving a shit about things. i kicked off the year last night by at the very last moment deciding to finish writing and actually submit the dramatic monologue i was piddling with for the alberta anthology competition for cbc. perhaps it will mean an additional $500 and a radio credit, but for now it means i finished something to deadline and sent it to someone to read.
today's project involves some work on my headshot and resume, and sending it off to some people for their files. not exactly stressful, but a good start.
this month's projects include:

*finishing act one of my play for the reading at the end of the month
*doing a synopsis and 15 page script excerpt for the Petro-Can Stage One Series
*going back to the gym
*eating more fruit and vegetables
*trying to grow out my nails
*submitting resume and scripts to folks

and, as always, writing makes it to the top of the list of things i have to do this month. although it really should be things i WILL do this month.

i am so jealous. my sister went to portland for her honeymoon and they got to go to Voodoo Doughnuts.
so jealous!

TYIAGAS

I realize that I've been neglecting my blog for a long, long time. No more funny pictures, none of the witty quips we've all come to expect from teh internets.
But the truth is, I've been feeling ambivalent. Unaccomplished, even. Creatively frustrated. And it makes the mind wander. It also makes the mind wonder "Is this what I should be doing?" Or "What if I actually suck, even though I'm pretty sure I don't, but what if I suck more in the future and I've actually hit my peak right now and am doing nothing about it?"
And the like. It's the kind of thinking that really makes you want to poop or get off the pot. And boy, do I want to poop! Well, metaphorically speaking, that is.
I realize that I will be starting things right away, but for recording purposes, let June 1, 2007 to May 31, 2008 be forever reknowned as THE YEAR I ACTUALLY GAVE A SHIT.
That's right, I'm going to test this theory of mine. That being, if one is content to sit around and bitch about what everyone else is doing, pretending it doesn't matter, it's relatively easy to fall into inertia and let life (and its ensuing opportunities) pass on by. But I wonder, what would happen if I really, really tried? Like, if this year was a big game of "Yes, let's!" So no more mooning over things I wish I could do. The simpler and more direct solution is to just do things.

So now I've written it down. Ergo, I have to do it, right? A one-year commitment to really, really trying and working hard. At my career, creative things, just life in general. No more of this half-assing and bitching and moaning. Perhaps I will have more adventures and be less wallflower-y. Perhaps it will jumpstart great things for me. Perhaps I will realize that this was a horrible idea and decide to go to law school in a year. Who knows?

Please join me in welcoming THE YEAR I ACTUALLY GAVE A SHIT.

I like that it being in June nicely bookends the year with my birthday, too.

home, sweet home

well, not quite.
there is much unpacking left to do. and, in spite returning to the old place this morning to scrape revolting gunk off of the stove burners (not to mention a strange encrusted ectoplasm on the bottom of the spice cabinet), a shortage of paper towels has caused me to decide to return tomorrow to finish up washing the floors. note to self: do a massive clean more often than once a year in new house.
but, i am quite proud for FINALLY figuring out what was up with the internet connection. so now i'm happily sitting in front of the tv, perusing Crackbook.
hopefully this will mean more frequent updates. but i always say that, don't i?

maybe it's just me...

but is it possible that school shootings might at least be discouraged if the perpetrators weren't quite so glorified in the media? i mean, this morning the headlines about the VA Tech shootings read "Satan's Manifesto" and "Portrait of a Killer". plus CNN and everyone else is showing clips of this guy's press kit 29 hours a day.
i can't help feeling that this is giving him exactly what he wanted. a way to be famous (well, infamous), and go out in a blaze of glory and have everyone talking about him for days on end. picture flashed on the news, on the front of the newspaper, and i'm sure on a whole lot of magazine covers next week.
wouldn't it be great if we didn't glorify stuff like this. or instead of reporting things that sound like movie titles, if Dateline opened with:
"I'm Stone Phillips, and tonight we are profiling the ultimate douchebag..."
or for a magazine article:
"Small-dicked guy proves himself to be total tool."
i know it won't happen.
but i really think that we shouldn't show any pictures of this guy. or anyone like him. why make him famous? screw people's "curiosity".
and don't even get me started on how "artistic" is becoming the new trenchcoat mafia.

5 calls and counting

all to move my telephone.
so far, they have done the wrong thing, corrected it for the wrong date, and now are insistent on moving my phone on friday, despite that i keep asking for monday. the first girl who called me back assured me that they were "putting a rush" on it to be moved friday. then, the guy i spoke with last said he would "try" to move it for monday instead, and that he'd let whoever was in charge of correcting such things know that it was "kind of a hurry thing" that it be changed from friday to monday.

i can't quite believe i used to work for these people.
also, what i would have done would have been to cancel the whole order and reissue it correctly. hence the customer not having to call back 234 times.
fortunately, this has decided me-- i am keeping my isp the same after i move and not changing to the evil Smelus.

as far as the move goes, i can't quite believe it's coming up on saturday. instead of being at work, i would rather be home having 3,465 panic attacks about moving. but instead i must wait out my time here and then go home and pack.

i am going crazy at my job. if the lady sitting next to me says "aw, shoot" or "aw,shucks" one more time, i may scream.
tomorrow i will try and keep a count of these utterances, just so you can all imagine what it's like to work here.

what a terrible blogger am i!

it's really true.
at the moment, i am working. packing. cleaning. getting ready to move into a new house soon, with all the fun that entails.
i am being boring. and fooling around instead of writing.
fear not, change is on the way.
also, i'm looking for a new email addy, since i'm dumping my current isp at the end of the month.
but all the good ones are taken!
any suggestions for snazzy new nicks will be welcomed.
anyway, back to the grind, and then it's back to the dentist to let him grind my teeth.
i will post more frequently, more amusingly.
when i'm not on facebook.
this is my resolution to you, the internetz!

excerpts of a conversation between two guys on my bus, who i later discovered live in my building

"you know what it should be called--it should be called the Institute for Wild Pasts and Morally Reprehensible Decisions"

"That's where your drunk friend comes in."

"And then dude bites me on the shoulderblade."

"It's not like we're in officially committed relationships. Not really."

"So... do we shake it or glaze it?"