I'm every woman...

So,what's been happening? I had a birthday. My boss quit--on my birthday, since I had the day off. My other boss is on vacation. For the last week I've been doing the jobs of 4 people, and having to have some pretty crappy conversations with the staff about the situation, about how everything's up in the air, what's going to happen next. I haven't been sleeping, I have headaches and stress tummy all the time. Not cool. I'm so, so glad this week is over. I have no idea what's going to happen next week.

The other supervisor may very well quit. And then, my friends, I will have some decisions to make. I had already been considering leaving at the end of December. But seeing how the organization has handled the situation, and feeling pretty certain we're going to lose more staff,I'm not sure how much longer I'll last. One of my friends at work said "The work you do outside of here is FAR more important than the work you do here. Don't change yourself for this place."

Speaking of which, I was supposed to start Draft Six this week, but all I want to do when I get home is sleep, eat, and drink, not necessarily in that order. To top it off, I actually had several pages of notes that I'd typed up about revisions I want to make, and I clearly remember putting them in a safe place. The exact place, however, is somewhat hazy at best. Another reason to house clean.

I have a three day weekend to think about work. My second job, mercifully, didn't have any edits for me this week, which is great. But also a reminder that the gig isn't steady work... I'd still need to temp a couple of weeks a month. But that sounds pretty good right now--having time to get up and go to the gym when it's not crowded, do some writing during the day, be able to socialize with friends, maybe get to go out on more auditions and work on projects. Sounds pretty good, if you ask me.

Update

Oh, you guys. Work is just miserable. Like, the most toxic, depressing environment miserable. I found out today my colleagues (we have a tight little alliance in my department that works really well) are fairly confident that they will be fired/made so miserable they will just quit by the end of the summer. And once the house is cleaned, they think I'll be asked to be "the saviour" and be in charge of all these things I don't know/care about and work and stress until I die. The crazy thing is: even though that sounds completely insane, I can absolutely see that happening. Well, maybe not literally working till I die, but something approximating a living death of SELLING ALL THE TICKETS.

I don't know what to do. The thought of getting another job is a bit overwhelming at the moment. I think I could tide myself over on my part time gig for a month or two, so I'm not terribly worried. I'm more worried about everyone else quitting/getting fired and then being asked to run things and having to quit. It's a complicated situation. It's like, junior high complicated, people. And that shit is COMPLICATED.

I am feeling old. I'm not THAT old, realistically, it's just that I can't shake this feeling that I have missed my shot, that all opportunities have passed me by and I HAVE FAILED. This is all unrealistic, I know. Probably related to the fact that my birthday is coming up on Moday. I got a rejection email today, and I am trying to remember that it was very nice of them to send me a note and not just never get back to me like many companies would. Always look on the bright side, and all that.

Wednesday

Hello, chums! I cannot wait for my day off... Saturday. And for once I have the entire weekend off! That seems to happen so rarely, I feel like I should do something decadent in celebration. I have found a way to do some stealth editing for my bonus job during the downtime of my primary job, which leaves me much more free time in the evenings. Perhaps that's not entirely kosher, but I'm struggling with my job at the moment. It's just such a negative environment, and I'm tired of all the bitching and backbiting and drama. Even theatre doesn't have that much consistent drama.

I am going to try and get back into knitting--I have a few friends who are expecting little ones, and I do love to knit some tiny socks and hats. As well, that Christmas present I never finished last year awaits. I got a little too ambitious with what I thought I could accomplish in a limited amount of time... sound familiar?

I didn't hear back from that big audition for a callback, so I'm trying to put it out of my mind. I haven't heard from anyone else that they got a callback, so I don't know if they've done them or not, but there's really only so long it's healthy to keep hope alive. If I stop putting anxiety towards it and I do hear back from it, great. If not, then I can move on to bigger and better things... whatever those are. I've also already decided my gym days for next week, working under that popular theory that if you schedule time in your calendar for healthy living, you will just do it. I have tested that theory before, to varying degrees of success. Happy Wednesday!

Surviving Saturday

Well, that last post was certainly a downer. I am feeling a bit less stressed out and anxious today, yet still frustrated. I think some of this comes from working every single day of the week, and being broke. Some of it is coming from a weird doubting place, where I think I just realized for literally the first time in my life "Maybe I won't be successful at this art thing." I know, that sounds weird, because the arts are such an unstable, uncertain endeavor. But I always knew "I am going to be successful." That doesn't neccessarily mean being wealthy, or famous, but other markers of success: getting produced. Getting to perform. Getting recognized for my work. I'm having a hard time believing that will happen lately. Is this what everyone I knew who quit to do something else felt like? Is this a sign I should quit and do something else? I think I may need to take a break from the theatrical world at large and focus on my own projects, and on the people who are supportive of me. Screw the haters and all that. Or perhaps I need to engage in some other creative pursuits: I've been having a hankering for some baking and sewing time lately. Maybe I just need to recharge. Or quit worrying so much about everyone else and how well they're doing. Or some combination of both. What do you do when you need to recharge?

Complaining Wednesday

I was going to call this "Bitching Wednesday", but I was afraid you'd assume that my Wednesday was... BITCHEN'! Which it most certainly is not. Here is my list of petty complaints: * my job is becoming increasingly unpleasant to work at. There are many power struggles within my organization, some hours cutbacks, and general increasing tension. I am rapidly reaching the point where the crap I am forced to put up with is exceeding the amount I'm being paid. * theatrical award nominations for my community came out this week, and they are disheartening. It's clear that the folks on the jury and I (also on the jury) have very divergent tastes. And some of the stuff that is nominated was just... not very good. It makes me sad that this is what people in the community think is the best we can do. It makes me sad that what's rewarded is so different than what I do. * I'm not writing anything new. I need to be writing something new to submit to some residency opportunities. But I'm not. * I feel like I'm basically getting up in the morning, going to one job, going home, doing chores, working my other job and going to bed every day. * We are still miserably broke. * A good friend of mine who's a very talented writer is having great success--winning competitions, getting productions, etc. I am proud of him, and a bit jealous. * I am having a case of the wallows... where I think the word that will best describe my career is "ALMOST" Ugh. Here's to this day being over as soon as possible.

The Big One Down!

So I thought I should post an update as to how my big day went on Friday... the workshop was great. It was a bit difficult to get back in the mindset of this play, especially because I can't help thinking of it as "the play that everyone likes but no one wants". But we had some great actors and a lively discussion, and I have some good ideas for what will happen next. My next workshop is scheduled for July 20, so that's about a month to get a new draft done. Scary! The audtion... well, I don't know how that went exactly. The chat portion was very positive--I was honest about why I wanted to be in the program, and they seemed impressed that I'd put so much thought in it. The acting/singing portion could have gone better. I dried in the middle of my Shakespeare (a very obvious dry... one of those pauses that is clearly not an acting pause, but the pause of an actor suddenly forgetting their lines), but I soldiered on. It happens to everyone once in a while, but it sucks to have it happen in an audition situation. The contemporary monlogue went quite well (according to me), but I got no re-direct on either. Does that mean something? I don't know. And the song... was not the greatest. It wasn't the worst, but I did get some comments from the music director about things I had written in my music, and how maybe those weren't the best choices, and how maybe we'd have the opportunity to discuss those further. I was so relieved to be done with the stress when it was done, I totally busted out in tears in front of a couple of friends. Which is SUPER EMBARRASSING. Just because a) I don't usually cry in front of others and b) I'm not a person who cries about auditions generally, and I don't want to seem... I don't know... frivolous? I was super-depressed about the whole thing for the rest of the day. Anyway, they are auditioning in 2 other cities, for several days in each, so I'm assuming a lot of non-locals will be chosen. I'm giving myself this week to hope to hear for a callback, and then I'm giving up. This afternoon I'm acting in a new works festival--rehearsal this afternoon, performance tonight, which I'm looking forward to. As well as the tiny paycheque! I'm so glad that all the stress is over with... for now, anyway.

One down, one to go...

So yesterday, I had the first of two auditions this week--this was the lower stress one, although it was a little more awkward than usual due to my being good friends with one of the AD's. I think because you always want your friends to think you're good and talented and so on, it's strange to audition for them. I guess because a friend's opinion matters more than someone I'll never see again. But it went well! The chat portion was good,and my monologues were decent--I did have a bit of that out-of-body experience doing the monolgues, but I think that happens to a lot of people. Particularly because you're not doing it in context, or after a couple of weeks of working together on it. But it was a positive experience, and I'm glad it's over! I had a vocal coaching this morning for my second audition, which also went very well. We talked about the order of my pieces, and I may end up singing first. I usually put off singing, just because I'm the most nervous about it, but it makes sense vocally and thematically to do my sweet love song before the murderous rage and cold revenge. I just keep telling myself that singing is muscle memory... the more I practice doing it with good habits, the more easily they will come to me. In time, of course. I'm nervous! But I'm feeling quite prepared. Another couple of days should solidify that.

Hell Week

Howdy friends, So shit is going down at my day job--long story short, it's possible that either I will be laid off, or I will stay but the new situation will make me so unhappy that I will realize that I can be unappreciated for a lot more money and go elsewhere. Naturally, I will try to stick things out as long as possible, as is my nature. But I have to say I am so tired of not feeling supported by the mucky-mucks in upper management. I feel an exit strategy may be in order. I have an audition tomorrow, which I'm reasonably well-prepared for. It's a little bit extra awkward, since I happen to know one of the artistic directors quite well--it's somehow worse to audition for friends than it is for complete strangers for some reason. Friday, I am supposed to have a half-day workshop of a play I wrote. This was all fitting nicely into my schedule, since I am required to be at work in the morning. Unfortunately, now I have an audition scheduled at a Big Fancy Theatre about 15 minutes after the workshop is supposed to be finished. Since they're across town from each other, this is not ideal. Also, I am preparing new monologues and a new song for said audition. I am FREAKING OUT. I need to reschedule one of these things, but it isn't working so far. I'm also supposed to find out about another audition at a Big Fancy Theatre in the next two days. If the universe smiles upon me, I WILL get called in, and I will NOT be scheduled for Friday. And how is YOUR week looking?

Busy busy bees

Oh you guys. I am so looking forward to a time when I do not have to accomplish so much every single day: going to work, going to shows, working at my freelance job, writing/submission requirements, and various other commitments. I have a tendency to overbook myself. I feel guilty for not being active and accomplishing things 24 hours a day. The side effect is that I tend to burn myself out. This week, on top of my jobs and show commitments, I've also had voice coaching, audition prep, and a first read for a show I'm in later this summer. Next week: 1 audition 1 voice coaching 1 half-day workshop of my play (hopefully the first of many steps on the way to production) Many hours of editing freelance gig (I am trying to do as much as possible because it pays well, and it means our huge debt will be paid down sooner) The week after that, I actually have an acting gig--doing some readings of new works. I love being asked to do things. Especially when I don't have to chase/beg for it. That's rare. That someone actually just thought of me and then asked. I'm going to try and build some momentum to get more of that kind of thing happening. In garden news, all three of my tomato plants have sprouted! And two are already growing their second set of leaves! It's hard to imagine that these tiny little sprouts will one day produce piles (I hope) of tiny tomatoes for my salad. If the weather holds out this week, I'm hoping to plant my lettuce and cucumbers outside this weekend. I do like being busy--I just wish more of my time could be spent doing things I *want* to do, and less time doing things I *have* to do.

Dear Playwright - Part II

So, my cold still lingers. But on Friday night, I did get an email from the very same folks who had sent me the Dear Playwright email the day before. The gist was: they're unable to acknowledge plays individually, but every year they do like to let a handful of folks know that their work was appreciate, and they hope they'll submit again. And my play was one of those. And since the jury for this thing includes a couple of well-known folks, I was a tiny bit thrilled that said well-known folks had mostly likely read and liked my play. This is in the category of the Almost, one of those victories that's difficult to explain to people why it's a victory. Of course, I sent a brief thank you note (always, always be polite kids--whether you are Canadian or not), and didn't even suggest they start using Mail Merge in their rejection emails. One of my tomato plants has started to sprout, I think. It's a tiny sprout, but they are tiny tomatoes, so that makes sense. The seeds were practically invisible, so it stands to reason that it couldn't hold a lot of stuff inside... right? Honestly, I have no idea what I'm doing.

"Dear Playwright"

Is how the email I got this morning reads. Needless to say, it's a rejection. Well, not a rejection, since it was for a competition, but a "you didn't get shortlisted, but these people did!" email. Hmmm, I guess that is a rejection. Not my favourite way to start the day, but it happens. And the finalists' plays do sound interesting. But I had managed to put this particular competition out of my mind, since it was such a long shot, so it wasn't a rejection that I was expecting. I do have an expected rejection whose arrival I am checking my inbox for daily. Who says the creative life isn't glamourous? My cold lingers. The body system that is most affected seems to be the part responsible for motivation--going to the gym, running errands, getting out of bed. The part of my brain that stops me from lying on the couch and taking the tater tot cure is withering.

Wednesday

So despite it not being summer yet, I have a summer cold. And it's the special kind of illness that instead of making you really sick for a day or two, makes you miserable-yet-functional for a week. So I find myself sitting at my desk, feeling wretched, having been oh-so-efficient that I've finished my work for the day, and trying to stealth do other things. Of course, other things are: 1) re-learn 2 old monologues for audition in 3 weeks 2) learn 2 new monologues for an audition I hope is in 4-5 weeks 3) read the Shakespeare play one of the new monologues is attached to 4) finish the stupid first draft of this stupid play I'm supposed to have done for stupid next week. None of these are particularly appealing, but my resistance is strongest when it comes to writing, as always. It's not going well. It never feels like it's going well, but in this case I know I'm going to have to rip out most of what I've written, so why continue? I sort of feel like I should sit on it for a while and figure out what to do. But I made a vow to adhere to this deadline in front of a famous playwright and a room of fellow writers. So I feel kind of obligated, sick or not! What I have has a beginning, middle, and end. It's skeletal, but I think it counts as a first draft. But does it count? Should I be worrying about what other people say "counts" if I'm satisfied?

Value Village Treats

Yesterday, after spending some time searching for the seeds I want to plant (I know I'm a couple of weeks behind schedule, but I'm still hoping the container garden scheme will come to fruition--or is that vegetablition?), I decided to take a trip to Value Village. One of the things I miss about not being on such a tight budget is the ability to go to VV and randomly spend money on random things. I know, it just enables my hoarding tendency, but I am a sucker for vintage kitchenware. And cookbooks. Particulary when I have limited cash resources and should be looking for work pants, cardigans, and nice solid coloured tops I can wear to camera auditions. So it makes sense that I should spend a hard-earned $3 on a Betty Crocker book. Even though I think it's a first edition and not the reissue. And even though it has all those darling and inexplicable drawings, and even more inexplicable food pictures. How can I resist my impulse to know what "Olive Creamed Potatoes" are? Or "Flaming Chicken"? And don't you just want to double-dog-dare me to make the infamous "Sandwich Loaf"?

I am really in love with vintage kitchen stuff, vintage entertaining. So much so that I considered writing a whole blog about it, where of course I would make these recipe experiments, and would make them vegetarian. Or at least make the desserts. Should I do that? I should do that. But it may have to wait until I get a new cell phone (which I know, I know, I will never afford as long as I keep piddling away my money $3 at a time on cookbooks no one needs). It's so disheartening to realize that every single person in the world has a cell phone with a more powerful camera than my crappy camera, which I can't even make phone calls on. Aren't you just dying to know what the green frosting is on the outside of the loaf? Aren't you dying to see pictures of me making and eating said frosting?

Confidence building

I just had a very positive meeting with the 2 facilitators of a playwrights program at a Big Fancy Theatre. It's coming to the end of the 2 years that I've been in the program, and today's discussion was: where does my play go from here? The thing about plays is that they're meant to be produced, to be done, and not just read. That's how you know you have a good play. Well, one way you know, anyway. It looks like with this particular project, independent production is going to be the way to go--getting a production up, getting a decent video of it, and marketing it to festivals, to theatres that may present it, etcetera. A lot of good, hands-on work of the kind that I enjoy doing. And I think the future of Canadian theatre is going to be independently driven. That's the way things seem to be heading. Anyway, I have a lead on a possible space and resources to do this. I'm kind of excited at the idea of having a plan to move things forward. We talked about how I know exactly what has to happen, and it's just a matter of confidence. Confidence, that thing I lack. How exactly do you build confidence? I assume you just have to get out there and make shit happen, and you get some kind of boost from having been able to put something like that together. What's the difference between gaining confidence and looking for validation? Not sure. Perhaps I need a copy of Confidence For Dummies. I don't know if that exists, but the title Self Esteem For Dummies always made me laugh when I saw it in the bookstore. "Hey, Dummy! Feel better about yourself!" Anyone have any hints for confidence for this dummy?

Appropriate or inappropriate?

Those of you who lost sleep over it last night will be pleased to know that I did NOT eat a chocolate bar yesterday. Nor did I eat any of the cookies that I forgot we had at home. And today I have still not eaten a chocolate bar, even though they are still sitting there on the communal treat table. I have an audition at the end of the month. Coincidentally, I'm also learning new monologues, since another place I'm auditioning for has already heard my party pieces last year. But I am in the position where I must ask myself: Is it appropriate to do a monologue about someone deciding to murder their child for a TYA (Theatre for Young Audiences) company? In the pro column: It's a pretty kickass monologue. In the cons: Should I really be talking about killing a child in front of a company that does plays for children? You see how these situations can become awkward. Yesterday I saw an ad on the side of a bus and realized it was the print campaign of a tv ad spot that I auditioned for a couple of months ago.... so I guess I didn't get it! No, I wasn't surprised, but I have to say I was glad that I at least didn't recognize the lucky actress who booked it. OK. Off to pretend to work while writing another scene of the play.

I'm engaged in a battle of wills with a chocolate bar.

I'm trying to eat healthier, y'all. Trying to prevent the diabeetus, drop a few pounds, that kind of thing. And I work in an environment where there is always some kind of treat/snack out for communal consumption. Today's treat: fun-sized Coffee Crisp chocolate bars. This of course follows yesterday's mental statement "I'm going to make it one week without eating crap at work!" Followed hard upon by another mental statement: "I will try to make it 3 days without eating crap at work." Followed by today's rebuttal from the bowl of chocolate bars: "Come ON! We're fun-sized! FUN-SIZED!" Clearly I'm a living embodiment of a Cathy cartoon. I'm also out of my healthy snacks. But I only have to be here for 2 more hours, then heading to the gym, and even though my co-worker has been on a mail run for about four times as long as usual and no one would even see me eat the chocolate bar, I am not going to break. Oh, my play? How's that going? Well, as you can see, I've already written a couple of paragraphs on my blog so far. So I've written something. And I have the script open on my desktop, so it's, you know, open and ready to receive my creative musings and whimsies. The secret is really in getting the writing to coincide with the open document. It's tricky like that.

Customer service would be great if it weren't for all the customers...

That pretty much sums it up. I'm feeling a bit burnt out by the entitlement, the yelling, the unreasonableness, the fact that people are going this mental over TICKETS. For concerts! It's not like I purposely destroyed your last vial of insulin, people! I also woke up this morning to a blanket of snow. For reals. It's really being a bit of an ugh day. When it seemed like the weather might actually be appropriate for the season, I was thinking about trying my hand at container gardening. For vegetables. Historically, I've never been someone who was into gardening. The bugs, the sun, the outdoorsiness of it... these are not things I am great with. But I do love eating stuff fresh from the garden. I remember my grandparents' garden (my grandfather was a farmer in the old country, but his family had to sell the land due to the dastardly acts of a distant cousin named Hannibal--I know, right?) was always amazing. My mom gardened for a while as well, until she realized that the railway ties she'd been using for her raised bed gardens were probably surreptitiously poisoning us. So I'm thinking that I'll try a couple of plants--just basics. I'm thinking cherry tomatoes, cucumbers, and maybe some lettuce. Oh, and perhaps some hot peppers, just because. But that's it. I'm sure I can handle 4 pots of plants, right? I do have a history of getting overly ambitious with projects like this. Today: I am going to write something on my play, dammit. I hate when people complain that writing is HARRRRRDDDD and consider that their writing time. But writing is HARRRRRRDDDDD, y'all! I am also going to brave the snow/rain/sleet/plague of frogs to see a play tonight. Hopefully that will be the last time I have to wear my winter boots this year!

Tuesday

So I'm gradually chipping away at that 3-month plan I keep vaguely mentioning. I think I've found a fantastic new monologue that is slightly terrifying to start approaching... it's both Canadian and contemporary, which kills two birds with one stone for many audition requirements. And I'm narrowing it down in new Shakespeare land. Now I need to find a song. I have some ideas. But. My voice teacher, who's one of those fantastic songbirds who was just always encouraged to sing, always enjoyed singing, and is just plain megatalented asked me "why do you think singing is so nervewracking to so many people". And I said "Because if I'm getting up there and singing for someone, I'm implying that I think I'm good." I suppose it's the same for anything you agree to get up and do in front of people--from a job interview to a whistling contest to being an auctioneer.... you are in some way saying "Yeah, I can do this" just from the sheer act of saying "Let me show you this". It's audition season. I've pledged to submit to as many things as I can and see who will take me. I'm also going to start writing a play. I've decided to startle myself into doing it. Essentially, when I was at the Big Important Writing Workshop in the Mountains a couple of months ago, I was given an assignment to have a first draft done by May 15. At which point I am to email the Big Important Writer and let him know whether or not I did it. This has been hanging over my head since the beginning of March, and while I've been noodling about with it, I haven't really sat down to tackle it in a major way. But I've resolved. I've come up with a kooky idea. And I will be bold and possible bad. I will potentially suck at writing this. This could be a HUGE MESS, folks. But I have to start writing it this week. Coincidentally, my boss, who sits in a position directly behind me where she can see my screen, is going on a 2-week vacation tomorrow. Could it be the universe giving me the green light?

Perhaps I should have been a plumber...

For a variety of reasons, not the least of which is our success with DIY fixing the toilet last weekend. Plus, I think that plumbers make crazy amounts of money! And some of them start ghost hunting services in their free time! AND our shower is now broken. I have a feeling that the expiration date on our house may be fast approaching--everything seems to be falling apart. Take last night, when I went to take a shower, pulled up the little knob, and it wouldn't pull. And wouldn't pull. And I asked my husband to give it a try, and the little knob pulled off right in his hand. Oops. Internet research tells us that this may be a cheap, relatively easy fix, but we have to take the faucet off. And since we have one of those weird hand-held shower things, I'm not sure if we have to replace the whole thing, or can just do parts, and do they still have parts from eleventy-billion years ago when the house was built? I think we may need to call an expert in on this one. A professional, expensive expert. So there's that. Then this morning I had a dentist appointment, got to work late, then got in shit from a client for something they think is my mistake, but the error was really in their assumption. Well, and possibly my mistake, a little. I did things the normal way, not realizing that for several years said client has been a special snowflake and has come to consider that the norm. In any case, it will be fixed, but it hasn't been a great start to my day. I think I have a case of the Mondays, amirite people? How has your week started off?

Everything's coming up Milhouse!

Well, at least in the home appliance department--I've just found out that we are getting a BRAND NEW washer this Saturday! Our old washer died a gruesome death about a month ago, after J tried to wash an ill-advisedly large load. This means that we will finally be able to have CLEAN CLOTHES again (apologies to my ancestors, but my hand-washing skills are decidedly not up to par), rather than wandering the earth looking for quarters for the laundromat, or kindly friends who have in-suite laundry themselves.

Of course, the price of clean clothes means that we will have to clean the basement before the blessed machine's arrival, or suffer the judgement of the delivery men. Also the judgement of our landlady's son, which we will never stop hearing about. It's quite amazing that an area of the house we never use can become so hoard-y so quickly. It's not quite so fun to clean, as I am always hypervigilant to the possibility of spiders/other random creepy crawlies.