well, the nominations came out today-- i myself was not there, but word on the street has it that there weren't very many surprises.
but it got me to thinking-- if Ol' Dirty B (aka comic book guy/the hobbit overlord) can nominate his very own shows to be featured at the fringe holdovers, why then should not a new theatre festival spring forth...
THE HELDBACKS.
yes, my very own slamdance. ALL THE SHOWS THE VARSCONA DIDN'T WANT YOU TO SEE! find a venue and feature the ignored, the lowly, perhaps even the fontrumesque. and maybe, FOR ONE NIGHT ONLY, a performance of one show that desperately tried to get into the fringe but was a lottery loser. an exclusive, as it were.
i would poster it up an down the beer tents. i would make my own announcement, using a bullhorn, standing on a picnic table in the middle of Fried Crap Alley. and i would put on these shows.
it's time for a backlash.
and one day, when i am ever so slightly more popular and powerful, when my actions could only be interpreted as a delightfully witty jibe at the establishment, it shall happen.
The Heldbacks.
keep your eyes peeled for my day-glo posters.
u/v
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Thursday, May 26, 2005
when will i be cool?
when i was younger, i used to fantasize that i would one day be cool. like, during grade 6, i imagined that my whole life would change once i went to junior high. you see, my junior high went from grade 7 all the way to grade 13. and grade 7-- grade 7 would be a place to make my mark, to reinvent myself for the years to come. i imagined that i would be a cheerleader. i used to take out books from the library on cheerleading, which i suppose was significant only in measuring the magnitude of my lameness, not my coolness-to-be. i would be a hottie. i would be POPULAR.
so forget that i managed to make a nerdly pursuit out of cheerleading. forget that i could sing along to the entire cast recording of Phantom of the Opera. forget that i was-- ahem-- somewhat tubby and wore pastel pink and blue clamdiggers on a regular basis, carefully matched to my peacock blue eyeliner.
i knew i was going to be cool. that high school was this magical place where people would see your inner light shining through.
but.
as much as i knew that i was destined to be cool, the cool kids knew that they were destined to STAY cool. and so all the popular kids from all the different feeder schools sort of glommed together into a massive imperial popularity crew conglomerate.
in that way, you know that way how cool/popular people instinctively recognize each other?
coolness was beyond my reach. for the moment.
i began planning for university.
university, incidentally, was very similar to high school, but more anonymous.
what i find strange and fascinating and perhaps worthy of sociological study, is how not only all the cool kids recognize each other, but how we all instinctively recognize the cool kids. still, now, even rolling down the hill to 31, i still recognize that there are cool and not cool people. the ins and the outs.
am i the only one who's still intimidated by the cool, the popular, those super-put-together people who could do the hair shelf thing in high school, and now have perfect ANTM type hairdos?
oh, what a big whine.
it's the diet. i swear, it's the soup diet.
u/v
so forget that i managed to make a nerdly pursuit out of cheerleading. forget that i could sing along to the entire cast recording of Phantom of the Opera. forget that i was-- ahem-- somewhat tubby and wore pastel pink and blue clamdiggers on a regular basis, carefully matched to my peacock blue eyeliner.
i knew i was going to be cool. that high school was this magical place where people would see your inner light shining through.
but.
as much as i knew that i was destined to be cool, the cool kids knew that they were destined to STAY cool. and so all the popular kids from all the different feeder schools sort of glommed together into a massive imperial popularity crew conglomerate.
in that way, you know that way how cool/popular people instinctively recognize each other?
coolness was beyond my reach. for the moment.
i began planning for university.
university, incidentally, was very similar to high school, but more anonymous.
what i find strange and fascinating and perhaps worthy of sociological study, is how not only all the cool kids recognize each other, but how we all instinctively recognize the cool kids. still, now, even rolling down the hill to 31, i still recognize that there are cool and not cool people. the ins and the outs.
am i the only one who's still intimidated by the cool, the popular, those super-put-together people who could do the hair shelf thing in high school, and now have perfect ANTM type hairdos?
oh, what a big whine.
it's the diet. i swear, it's the soup diet.
u/v
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
everyone's a winner baby...
i have news i cannot reveal.
news i have been sworn to secrecy about.
but there are some clues:
1) the dutch play
2) a free trip to the home of the stampede
3) some much-needed cash for my fringe tour fund.
can anyone guess? (i'm talking to YOU, elo.)
i'm not allowed to talk about it, though. not until june 8 or something. so if you can guess, you must not tell anyone.
fortunately i have been stricken down with horrible tara-reid-like laryngitis. a true plus when you're working in a call centre talking to jackasses on the phone all day.
u/v
news i have been sworn to secrecy about.
but there are some clues:
1) the dutch play
2) a free trip to the home of the stampede
3) some much-needed cash for my fringe tour fund.
can anyone guess? (i'm talking to YOU, elo.)
i'm not allowed to talk about it, though. not until june 8 or something. so if you can guess, you must not tell anyone.
fortunately i have been stricken down with horrible tara-reid-like laryngitis. a true plus when you're working in a call centre talking to jackasses on the phone all day.
u/v
Thursday, May 12, 2005
well, i'm home surprisingly early...
strangely, there was no show tonight. or last night. fortunately, my paycheque in no way depends on house size... thank god for contracts.
so i came home and had some yummy greek food and am now watching must see tv.
u/v
so i came home and had some yummy greek food and am now watching must see tv.
u/v
unfortunately there are no links to post...
but the show is getting some of the worst reviews... to those familiar with the edmo community, liz (thanks a lot, liz) accused me and my scene partner of beginning the play in a fury of "grimacing and eye-rolling". like the show begins with some sort of theatrical seizure. which, in a way, it does. but i swear, i was just following orders.
"pretend you're on an episode of three's company..."
famous last words of Herr Direktor.
paul (www.vueweekly.com) apparently just didn't like the plays.
but the very best is the review at www.seemagazine.com that says "if you must see this, take advantage of the fact that it's put on in a bar, and quaff 2 or 3 drinks before the show. this should help take the edge off..."
S-NAP!!!
i swear, some of these reviews are so HILARIOUSLY written, the authors should consider writing plays themselves.... oh, right.
so apparently i am in a sucky play. i personally do not suck (unless you listen to Liz Nicholls, but come on, she starts out her review with "Yikes!". yikes. that's the kind of hard-hitting, well-thought-out journalism that... oh, fuck it, it just sounds like she's conferring with Velma and Shaggy. Zoinks!).
so my self-esteem is somewhat intact.
somewhat.
mostly i just can't wait for it to be over.
ZOINKS!
u/v
"pretend you're on an episode of three's company..."
famous last words of Herr Direktor.
paul (www.vueweekly.com) apparently just didn't like the plays.
but the very best is the review at www.seemagazine.com that says "if you must see this, take advantage of the fact that it's put on in a bar, and quaff 2 or 3 drinks before the show. this should help take the edge off..."
S-NAP!!!
i swear, some of these reviews are so HILARIOUSLY written, the authors should consider writing plays themselves.... oh, right.
so apparently i am in a sucky play. i personally do not suck (unless you listen to Liz Nicholls, but come on, she starts out her review with "Yikes!". yikes. that's the kind of hard-hitting, well-thought-out journalism that... oh, fuck it, it just sounds like she's conferring with Velma and Shaggy. Zoinks!).
so my self-esteem is somewhat intact.
somewhat.
mostly i just can't wait for it to be over.
ZOINKS!
u/v
Thursday, May 05, 2005
why does everyone have my ideas first?
Don't click if you are afraid of Santa
this is what would be hanging over the fireplace when you go into my haunted house.
this is what would be hanging over the fireplace when you go into my haunted house.
how i will make a million dollars
i would like to open a haunted house. not just your typical boring haunted house, but a THEMED haunted house.
a CHRISTMAS THEMED haunted house.
in october, i would have a sign outside that would say "haunted house" or "spookyville", just like everyone else on the block who runs a haunted house. but once people stepped inside, they would be overwhelmed by the mistletoe, and the blood, and the carols, and the crippling despair. perhaps dioramas of people electrocuted while putting up the lights, or who accidentally gassed themselves to death while putting the turkey in the oven. a head suddenly falling out of the chimney and rolling under the tree. you know, a haunted house.
but the best part... the best part would be in december, when i would once again open my haunted house. but this time, i would put out a sign that said "santa's village".
u/v
a CHRISTMAS THEMED haunted house.
in october, i would have a sign outside that would say "haunted house" or "spookyville", just like everyone else on the block who runs a haunted house. but once people stepped inside, they would be overwhelmed by the mistletoe, and the blood, and the carols, and the crippling despair. perhaps dioramas of people electrocuted while putting up the lights, or who accidentally gassed themselves to death while putting the turkey in the oven. a head suddenly falling out of the chimney and rolling under the tree. you know, a haunted house.
but the best part... the best part would be in december, when i would once again open my haunted house. but this time, i would put out a sign that said "santa's village".
u/v
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
Look what smudge broke now
mine was much cooler and i grudgingly accept that no one on ebay likes them either
still, he broke my cool little honey jar. and the lid. it had bees on it.
BEES!
u/v
still, he broke my cool little honey jar. and the lid. it had bees on it.
BEES!
u/v
the end is near
well, opening night looms. my comfort is that i will only have to run the show 11 more times (maximum), counting tonight's dress rehearsal. i have at times the feeling of being in some kind of skit... perhaps it's the track lighting which illuminates the boards we tread, i mean the small platform in the middle of the pub. perhaps i'm insecure about performing on a strangely modified thrust using blocking that was done for a proscenium stage. perhaps it's the fact that i realize that if reviewers do come, it will be very difficult to leave a mention of me out of the review, seeing as how there are only 4 people in the show.
fortunately i have been brushing up with some acting lessons.
in answer to Dr. Matt's question:
i have never been to chicago, but what do vancouver's kits and toronto's annex have in common? ummm they're both trendy, overpriced enclaves of artistic types? who favour funky planters and porch lights?
an interesting key to who you truly are...
u/v
fortunately i have been brushing up with some acting lessons.
in answer to Dr. Matt's question:
i have never been to chicago, but what do vancouver's kits and toronto's annex have in common? ummm they're both trendy, overpriced enclaves of artistic types? who favour funky planters and porch lights?
an interesting key to who you truly are...
u/v
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
the new miracle diet plan...
i was in the convenience store downstairs at work today, about to repeat yesterday's incredible lunch of chocolate milk and cheese, when i realized that not only was the annoying man buying the extra-oxygenated water staring at me with scorn, but that i may have hit upon the greatest diet plan of the century.
i call it the CHomp away your CHunk diet. all you eat are foods beginning with CH. chocolate. cheese. chili. cherries. etcetera.
then i realized it painted a fairly accurate picture of what i actually eat.
speaking of the crappy store downstairs, i noticed that they no longer stock the little cereals i used to buy. now, i used to get those little packs of froot loops or rice krispies or what not, the ones with the peel off foil tops like instant soup, that i thought were actually brilliant. i noticed that they never actually restocked after i bought the last one. they never restocked while i was buying the cereal, either. this was like 8 months ago. maybe they don't even make those cereals anymore.
creepy.
u/v
Monday, April 25, 2005
if david blaine were really magic
wouldn't it be cool if he floated himself over to, say, afghanistan, and was all like, "i've got to tell you something" in his love-child-of-stephen-wright-and-sean-penn-monotone-drone to some people who were just kind of hanging out. "do you believe in magic" and then the people would be all just staring at him blankly, the way the people in his specials do, or the way they might stare at some levitating, droning american, and he would continue in that about-to-pass-out-from-heroin-overdose-can't-keep-eyes-open kind of voice he uses "what would you say if i told you there were some LAND MINES right there? right where you're walking?" and then the ground would just kind of burn away with some really cool-looking colored smoke, and all the land mines would be revealed.
don't you think that would be cooler than just walking around freaking people out?
also, if i thought the doctors in the er were somewhat unsympathetic when i had that ruptured disc, what would they have been like if i had arrived after FREEZING MYSELF IN A BLOCK OF ICE for 62 hours?
i mean, they seemed pretty attentive to david blaine, but i think he practices some kind of mind control.
magic, you know.
u/v
don't you think that would be cooler than just walking around freaking people out?
also, if i thought the doctors in the er were somewhat unsympathetic when i had that ruptured disc, what would they have been like if i had arrived after FREEZING MYSELF IN A BLOCK OF ICE for 62 hours?
i mean, they seemed pretty attentive to david blaine, but i think he practices some kind of mind control.
magic, you know.
u/v
Sunday, April 24, 2005
an unfortunate trip to the vet
due to his recent encounters with kidney stones, j must collect (as some choose to collect coins and butterflies) his pee for 24 hours. he has to collect it in a 3L plastic jug and turn it in somewhere or other tomorrow morning.
needless to say, this is clashing with The Smudge's penchant for knocking over glasses of water. particularly as the collector jug has acid in the bottom of it. i suppose it's medical acid of some sort. but i don't want to have to take The Smudge to the vet and try and explain away his urine-soaked acid burns, medical or otherwise.
"you see, dr. karen, j was quite proud of himself, having already collected 2.5 litres of urine so early in the day..."
The Smudge would probably do it to spite me.
u/v
needless to say, this is clashing with The Smudge's penchant for knocking over glasses of water. particularly as the collector jug has acid in the bottom of it. i suppose it's medical acid of some sort. but i don't want to have to take The Smudge to the vet and try and explain away his urine-soaked acid burns, medical or otherwise.
"you see, dr. karen, j was quite proud of himself, having already collected 2.5 litres of urine so early in the day..."
The Smudge would probably do it to spite me.
u/v
Saturday, April 23, 2005
so where does Battlefield Earth fit in, again?
i was waiting for my bus today, when a jehovah's witness materialized. you know how they seem to be able to do that, just "poof!" and there they are in their nice clean suits, bible in one hand, offer of reading material in the other. just something to read while you're waiting for the bus, you understand. but at the same time, there's the implicit understanding between you that you must not accept the offer of reading material, or you are also accepting a whole other discussion of the material, as well as a discussion of your relationship with jesus, etc.
yet i've always been curious about the reading material. much the same way that i've always wanted to buy that copy of DIANETICS at the sally ann, but i know that i must not read DIANETICS on the bus. nor must i go up to the DIANETICS booth at the fair or the rummage sale, or whatever.
hey, i just want the reading material, not the sales pitch.
does that mean there's something wrong with me? am i closed minded?
example: whenever i think about following my desire to become a buddhist, i get quite hung up on the whole, uh, well, REQUIREMENT of giving up your desires. because i desire a lot of things. not things like cute convertible cars and chic camper shoes. but stuff like fame and success and stuff. and i realize that according to the buddha desire for these things causes suffering, but then for whatever reason (well probably because he's the famous buddhist) i thnk about richard gere and how he's famous, and he seems to be doing ok, but then i think "well, maybe rg doesn't desire fame, maybe it's just thrust upon him". but then i think about how one really shouldn't be thinking about richard gere when contemplating one's spiritual path.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?
u/v
yet i've always been curious about the reading material. much the same way that i've always wanted to buy that copy of DIANETICS at the sally ann, but i know that i must not read DIANETICS on the bus. nor must i go up to the DIANETICS booth at the fair or the rummage sale, or whatever.
hey, i just want the reading material, not the sales pitch.
does that mean there's something wrong with me? am i closed minded?
example: whenever i think about following my desire to become a buddhist, i get quite hung up on the whole, uh, well, REQUIREMENT of giving up your desires. because i desire a lot of things. not things like cute convertible cars and chic camper shoes. but stuff like fame and success and stuff. and i realize that according to the buddha desire for these things causes suffering, but then for whatever reason (well probably because he's the famous buddhist) i thnk about richard gere and how he's famous, and he seems to be doing ok, but then i think "well, maybe rg doesn't desire fame, maybe it's just thrust upon him". but then i think about how one really shouldn't be thinking about richard gere when contemplating one's spiritual path.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?
u/v
Friday, April 22, 2005
Thursday, April 21, 2005
the green-eyed monster
have you ever been incredibly, painfully jealous of someone that you really should be happy for, but after all is said and done, their complaining about their accomplishments just makes you feel hard done by? or like you're trapped on a path to insignificance, having long ago passed the offramp for your own future success?
just wondering.
on the plus side, the haunted stitch ebay guy seems to be doing well and profiting by his experience.
as well, a great pick-me-up is to go to popcap.com and play Typing Shark. Or Psychobabble.
u/v
just wondering.
on the plus side, the haunted stitch ebay guy seems to be doing well and profiting by his experience.
as well, a great pick-me-up is to go to popcap.com and play Typing Shark. Or Psychobabble.
u/v
Thursday, April 07, 2005
Find a way to see this now
BBCi - Cult - Classic TV - Ghostwatch
holy hell this is one of the most frightening movies i have ever seen. it was banned in the UK after only one broadcast, is apparently the only television broadcast ever to have caused post-traumatic stress disorder in children, and was linked by the tabloids to at least one suicide. they showed it here (God bless SCREAM TV) a few weeks ago, and j and i ended up huddled together on the futon hiding our eyes. even though i have no idea who any of these bbc folks really are, it's such a deliciously realistic documentary, over the top ending and all. i need to find this on DVD.
scary!
u/v
holy hell this is one of the most frightening movies i have ever seen. it was banned in the UK after only one broadcast, is apparently the only television broadcast ever to have caused post-traumatic stress disorder in children, and was linked by the tabloids to at least one suicide. they showed it here (God bless SCREAM TV) a few weeks ago, and j and i ended up huddled together on the futon hiding our eyes. even though i have no idea who any of these bbc folks really are, it's such a deliciously realistic documentary, over the top ending and all. i need to find this on DVD.
scary!
u/v
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