the new miracle diet plan...

i was in the convenience store downstairs at work today, about to repeat yesterday's incredible lunch of chocolate milk and cheese, when i realized that not only was the annoying man buying the extra-oxygenated water staring at me with scorn, but that i may have hit upon the greatest diet plan of the century.

i call it the CHomp away your CHunk diet. all you eat are foods beginning with CH. chocolate. cheese. chili. cherries. etcetera.

then i realized it painted a fairly accurate picture of what i actually eat.

speaking of the crappy store downstairs, i noticed that they no longer stock the little cereals i used to buy. now, i used to get those little packs of froot loops or rice krispies or what not, the ones with the peel off foil tops like instant soup, that i thought were actually brilliant. i noticed that they never actually restocked after i bought the last one. they never restocked while i was buying the cereal, either. this was like 8 months ago. maybe they don't even make those cereals anymore.

creepy.

u/v

and wash it all down with... 

chimichanga, anyone? 

lose 10 lbs in 10 years.... 

if david blaine were really magic

wouldn't it be cool if he floated himself over to, say, afghanistan, and was all like, "i've got to tell you something" in his love-child-of-stephen-wright-and-sean-penn-monotone-drone to some people who were just kind of hanging out. "do you believe in magic" and then the people would be all just staring at him blankly, the way the people in his specials do, or the way they might stare at some levitating, droning american, and he would continue in that about-to-pass-out-from-heroin-overdose-can't-keep-eyes-open kind of voice he uses "what would you say if i told you there were some LAND MINES right there? right where you're walking?" and then the ground would just kind of burn away with some really cool-looking colored smoke, and all the land mines would be revealed.

don't you think that would be cooler than just walking around freaking people out?

also, if i thought the doctors in the er were somewhat unsympathetic when i had that ruptured disc, what would they have been like if i had arrived after FREEZING MYSELF IN A BLOCK OF ICE for 62 hours?

i mean, they seemed pretty attentive to david blaine, but i think he practices some kind of mind control.

magic, you know.

u/v

an unfortunate trip to the vet

due to his recent encounters with kidney stones, j must collect (as some choose to collect coins and butterflies) his pee for 24 hours. he has to collect it in a 3L plastic jug and turn it in somewhere or other tomorrow morning.

needless to say, this is clashing with The Smudge's penchant for knocking over glasses of water. particularly as the collector jug has acid in the bottom of it. i suppose it's medical acid of some sort. but i don't want to have to take The Smudge to the vet and try and explain away his urine-soaked acid burns, medical or otherwise.

"you see, dr. karen, j was quite proud of himself, having already collected 2.5 litres of urine so early in the day..."

The Smudge would probably do it to spite me.

u/v

so where does Battlefield Earth fit in, again?

i was waiting for my bus today, when a jehovah's witness materialized. you know how they seem to be able to do that, just "poof!" and there they are in their nice clean suits, bible in one hand, offer of reading material in the other. just something to read while you're waiting for the bus, you understand. but at the same time, there's the implicit understanding between you that you must not accept the offer of reading material, or you are also accepting a whole other discussion of the material, as well as a discussion of your relationship with jesus, etc.

yet i've always been curious about the reading material. much the same way that i've always wanted to buy that copy of DIANETICS at the sally ann, but i know that i must not read DIANETICS on the bus. nor must i go up to the DIANETICS booth at the fair or the rummage sale, or whatever.

hey, i just want the reading material, not the sales pitch.

does that mean there's something wrong with me? am i closed minded?

example: whenever i think about following my desire to become a buddhist, i get quite hung up on the whole, uh, well, REQUIREMENT of giving up your desires. because i desire a lot of things. not things like cute convertible cars and chic camper shoes. but stuff like fame and success and stuff. and i realize that according to the buddha desire for these things causes suffering, but then for whatever reason (well probably because he's the famous buddhist) i thnk about richard gere and how he's famous, and he seems to be doing ok, but then i think "well, maybe rg doesn't desire fame, maybe it's just thrust upon him". but then i think about how one really shouldn't be thinking about richard gere when contemplating one's spiritual path.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?

u/v

guess who?

the green-eyed monster

have you ever been incredibly, painfully jealous of someone that you really should be happy for, but after all is said and done, their complaining about their accomplishments just makes you feel hard done by? or like you're trapped on a path to insignificance, having long ago passed the offramp for your own future success?

just wondering.

on the plus side, the haunted stitch ebay guy seems to be doing well and profiting by his experience.

as well, a great pick-me-up is to go to popcap.com and play Typing Shark. Or Psychobabble.

u/v

Find a way to see this now

BBCi - Cult - Classic TV - Ghostwatch

holy hell this is one of the most frightening movies i have ever seen. it was banned in the UK after only one broadcast, is apparently the only television broadcast ever to have caused post-traumatic stress disorder in children, and was linked by the tabloids to at least one suicide. they showed it here (God bless SCREAM TV) a few weeks ago, and j and i ended up huddled together on the futon hiding our eyes. even though i have no idea who any of these bbc folks really are, it's such a deliciously realistic documentary, over the top ending and all. i need to find this on DVD.

scary!

u/v

who am i anyway?

Bi... Bismuth You scored 81 Mass, 44 Electronegativity, 42 Metal, and 20 Radioactivity!

Ever wonder where the name Pepto-Bismol came from? You. You exist within the gray area between metals and non-metals. Personality-wise you are inflexible in your approach to problems, and you are prone to giving on everything when one thing gets rough... you may give up, but you don't walk away, and eventually you'll try again. You are a social element, but you have the tendency to let entire groups of friends lapse or disintegrate over time only to build them up again later. You might get along pretty well with Mercury or Lead. Of course, you might get along well with something else. You're actually kinda strange... I mean, look at you. Those are some freaky shapes you're forming.

Link: The Which Chemical Element Am I Test written by effataigus on OkCupid Online Dating

The Infinite Cat Project - Cats watching cats watching cats. It's a concept!

The Infinite Cat Project - Cats watching cats watching cats. It's a concept!

this is HILARIOUS. or sad. sad because i flipped through the first 30 or so pictures and was peeing my pants laughing at the cats.

if only i could take a picture of smudge and submit it for posterity.


speaking of smudge, i was making a costume today, and when smudge spotted the tiny safety pins i was using, he jumped up on the couch and started EATING them. eating them like they were the greatest treat ever. and then started biting me when i was trying to get him to spit them out.

so i think the cat ate some safety pins.

i called the vet, and they said not to worry. just to feed him to form a poo cushion around the pins.

but you can see why we might want to set up a pre-emptive memorial...

u/v