i don't want to cause a stampede...

but guess who just wrote the FIRST PAGE OF A NEW PLAY? the first page of a play with a plot, characters, a beginning, middle and end?
this guy.
naturally, i was so overwhelmed with my success that i had to come on over here and brag about it.
this morning when i went to get my coffee, i was standing in line in front of two honest-to-god edmonchuk theatre celebrities. i was wearing my lovely cat toque, and, coincidentally, carrying a grocery bag full of cat food.
i'm not going to build this up. i said nothing. partially because i couldn't think of anything to say after "hey, how's it going?". the anticipation of the awkward pause to follow was too much to bear in my mind. also because i don't really know them at all.
also because it did look suspiciously like i was going to go home and eat a big honking bowl of kibble.

let it snow...

yes, it's snowing here.
after staying awake until about 3:30 getting some work done, i staggered to the alarm clock and turned it off. then went back to sleep until 11.
so i didn't make it to the gym today. oops.
must work on being able to commit to 2 things at once.

learning something new every day

so here i am, up in the middle of the night, trying to determine if time of day has something to do with when i'm at my best with creating. naturally, the temptation to use the internet (damn you, myspace!) overcame me almost immediately. and just randomly looking up subjects... for example... "writer's block" (totally at random, mind you), i stumbled upon a startling theory.
many people believe that writer's block does not in fact exist. all it is is the name we give to the inability to commit and make a decision.
naturally, this did not in any way seem familiar to me. lack of confidence? fear of not producing something perfect?
how could these possibly apply to my life?
yes, it's true. doing writing exercises has been feeling good and all, but i can't get PRODUCT out of my mind. reaching the finish line. moving on to something else.
so, it stands to reason, that i have a hard time getting started.
the fabulous Dr. Matt and i were once having a discussion about random numbers, specifically, the lottery. i argued that numbers i especially chose (my cat's birthday, my anniversary, etc.) would have LESS chance of being chosen, since these numbers had a specific significance to me, and what would the odds of that be? naturally, this influenced my strategy to always go with QuickPick. but, Dr. Matt eloquently argued, the numbers that the computer generated for me would immediately take on a special significance to me, as they were my lottery numbers. (am i getting this right?). hence, either sequence has an equal chance of being drawn.
this is how i feel about ideas... i'm trying to let something i don't care about sneak up on me, so i can get something out of the way and accomplish it. but, as soon as i have an idea, it immediately has a special significance to me. i care. perhaps because it could be my NEXT GREAT IDEA. perhaps it's because i feel like a slacker next to YOUNGER, MORE ACCOMPLISHED ARTISTS. perhaps i'm afraid of failure. or success. or all of the above.
bleah. sorry about the supah-emo whiny brain dump. but isn't that what the internet is for?

can i get a witness...

to how much microsoft picture it! sucks?
just doing a little reorganizing of stuff on the computer, decided to finally upload my pictures from vegas... such as they are. here are a couple of them:



as you can see, vegas is a very dangerous place.





but one full of exciting opportunities!



and terrible frustrations...











and just a lot of stuff that doesn't really go together.

it's better than bad, it's good!

well, the tv channel i adore is back... that's right, LOG is back on tv for a very special thanksgiving edition.
for those of you not familiar with LOG, it's basically a fireplace on your tv. usually scored with the elevator-grooving sounds of symphonic christmas music, it plays here during the holiday season, relaxing the viewer with its crackling warmth.
the thanksgiving edition of LOG is a little sadder.
basically it's a cheery fireplace, with a blazing fire going. however, on the hearth is placed a juicy turkey with all the trimmings. just sitting there in front of the fire. sitting there, alone. no hands reaching in to carve the bird, or, god forbid, offer you a plate. which i assume you are in desperate need of, if you're watching a turkey sit in front of a fireplace on thanksgiving day.
since there are no thanksgiving songs to speak of, it's just a tuneless meld of orchestral music, mocking you with a turkey you can never taste.

i, on the other hand, never want to eat turkey again, having enjoyed not one, but two full-on turkey dinners yesterday.
and there are still plentiful leftovers in the fridge.

well, it's here.

yes, all that time i spent mentioning "i'm going to take a couple of months off to write" has finally come back to bite me in the ass. it's here. my time. to write. i said i was going to take a couple of days to relish the luxuries that come with unemployment, and it's been a week. i find myself googling things like "perfectionism" and "fear of writing". faithfully going to some "research" websites i have bookmarked. reading them. and... nothing.
it's not like i don't have ideas. i have lots of ideas. lots of projects planned. some with deadlines. deadlines in the far-flung future, but real deadlines, nonetheless.
i was thinking to myself last night, as i was trying to sleep, "why can't i just commit to this? do i really want to commit to this (and by this i mean an artistic career)? the answer is yes. so i just have to commit myself to doing this or go find something else to do.
i watched "the weatherman" last night, and there was this monologue about how you imagine what you're going to be like when you grow up, all these accomplishments, all these qualities you think you're going to have. and gradually, these things, these possibilities get narrowed down. all these potential lives you have imagined for yourself get narrowed down to what you are.
i spend far too much time thinking about past possibliities that won't be realized. and far too much time thinking about the future without doing anything about it now. in short, i would be a bad buddhist.
yesterday i found myself looking for another stupid secretarial job, more out of boredom than anything else. and i had to make a conscious decision to stop myself. to try this. to try now, instead of buying time for myself while decomposing behind some random desk.
it should start with a word. this will all start with a few words. and it won't matter if i suck, because no one will ever have to read it.
i will keep telling myself that. and i will stay away, far away from my resume.

too soon...

today i saw a christmas tree in the window of army & navy. as if that wasn't bad enough, i saw both egg nog and soy "noel nog" on the grocery store.
i haven't even figured out my halloween costume yet! so far it's down to three choices... little dead riding hood, a my little pony, or an "i don't care bear". i'm leaning towards the latter two, as they will essentially have the same base. meaning one of those godawful velour track suits in a pastel colour. i think i'm innately drawn to the mlp costume, just because of its inherent glamour. i want big shiny drag queen eyelashes and stick on rhinestones! i may, however, opt for the funnier one.

hey guess what

for some reason, i have extended my contract at work. perhaps it's the lure of greed and money, perhaps it's some dormant math gene rumbling into being. more likely the money though.
but of course, this time next week i will be in beautiful downtown las vegas!!!
not to mention an extended stay at the denver airport. both ways. hopefully it's a good airport with things to do. i'm not hopeful, though.
yes, work is being good to me. despite the fact that Mysterious Medical Ailment has caused me to take numerous days off in the last couple of weeks. despite the fact that i told them i was going to vegas. in fact, i get all this time off paid. sick days! vacation!
why didn't someone tell me working for the government was so damn sweet?
in any case, after my job is done, whenever that is, i have my plans. my screenplay. my project for NaNoWriMo. the show that i somehow sweet talked my way into us doing next spring.
must clear some space on my digital camera for the many, many ironic photos i plan to take.

the big sleep

well, my resolution to keep up with the blog certainly has gone to hell in a handcart.
however.
today, while recovering from Mystery Medical Ailment #458 (see also: ugly giant itchy welts), i took the opportunity to take a couple of benadryls (see also: another drug i'll never get addicted to) and relax while watching my stories. needless to say, mere moments later, i opened my eyes to find it was approaching 7pm. yes, 4 hours of my day off, wasted. consequently, it's 2:23 am and i can't sleep.
in any case, i had the most disturbing dream while i was sleeping. i know it's a common dream, and i've had it before. i dreamt that i was going to start working with a new boss, and that i was going to be late for work. but i kept putting off calling in and mentioning that i was going to be late. while eating something, i felt a familiar SP=ROINGGGGG! (see also: how i lost a tooth on a tootsie roll one fateful halloween) and realized that i had popped out/broken off all my teeth. needless to say, it was distressing. i looked in a mirror and saw that my front teeth were about 1/4 inch long and jagged, some teeth were missing entirely, with a couple of lonley chompers left here and there. so i start screaming to the effect of "oh my god, all my teeth!", and everyone around me just shrugs it off. and then i realize at that point that it's about 4pm and i'm never going to make it to work. plus i am horribly disfigured. but the most disturbing part of the dream, was that in the dream, i was aware that i was wearing someone else's teeth. like i'd borrowed aunt edna's dentures or something and was wearing them around and suddenly destroyed them. i remember desperately searching for my teeth on the ground, and coming up with only fingernail-clipping-like shards. and thinking "oh no! i've ruined her teeth!"
gross.
when i finally woke up, i was hesitant to check and see if my teeth were still there. fortunately, they are.
for now.
i guess the moral of the story is: never lend me your teeth.

deja poo

oh my i have seen this shit before...
yes, i officially am going crazy at my job. it's not so much the job itself as the fact that every other day they completely change every single procedure. and that we're doing shiftwork. and that even though my days off are staggered, i'm apparently supposed to have all my work that comes in on my day off done within 20 minutes of arriving for my next shift.
argh. august 31 cannot come soon enough for me.
at least i have tomorrow (today) off.
my birthday has officially come and gone. so now it's time to make some birthday year resolutions...
1) going back to the gym. starting tomorrow.
2) start having more fun
3) write each and every day
4) start doing some more creative shit. music, decoupage, whatever.

so pretty much the same as usual.
also, the cat's fountain is broken. now he refuses to drink from the affectionately named "big boy cup" because he has a strong disdain for any water that is not 1)running and 2) chilled. i should have it so good. so i have to hunt down an adaptor, or buy the cat a new fountain. perhaps that can be on my list of things to do for tomorrow...

hmmm perhaps resolution number 5 should be to write a better blog. or at least a more regular blog.

i hereby resolve to try and find some interesting content for this thing.
does this count as writing?

i ask you

what could possibly improve spending your ENTIRE saturday doing data entry and payroll reconciliation? is there anything? well, last saturday as i was doing just that, having been called into work for overtime, it was made known to me that mine is the only computer in our section that can play CD's. the only one, in fact, with a cd drive. so my colleague in the next cubicle asked me if it would be ok if she put on some music. to which i thought "yes, that will make the time go by faster". and so she went down the hall to borrow some tunes from her friend.
now, i should have been suspicious at this point, since i clearly remember hearing bryan adam's greatest hits blaring from down the hall the previous weekend. so when d returned with a cd, i put pressed play with the best of intentions.
it was maroon 5.
now i'm as bad as anyone else, i used to bop along to "This Love" when it first came out, but have you ever listened to an entire album of that shit? his voice. his cheesy lyrics. lyrics that appeal to high-school girls, giving them a bizarre ideal of what a relationship is supposed to be like. this is where we get our fucked-up relationships, ladies. it's in the music.
so i did my best to endure it, hey, if there's anything better than doing math on a saturday, it clearly must be doing math while listening to this strung out hoot owl, right?
then d got up to get another cd. she said "hey, are you a jimmy fan?"
now, i ask you. if you were talking about music, who would you think was being referenced here? Jimmy Page? Jimmy Buffet? possibly. personally, i thought she was talking about Jimi Hendrix. of who i am not really a fan, but i was grasping at straws. so i said "sure". cautiously.
i pressed play.
it was fucking James Blunt.
now, to be honest, i actually thought that james blunt and the guy from maroon 5 were the EXACT SAME PERSON. they both have fucked up singing styles, they both write the most pretentious songs ever. they both have one radio hit from a most enshittening album.
but they're not. they are two different people. the main difference is that james blunt seems to make a lot of references to being high. in like every single song.
so d in the next cubicle (who was grooving along to my hell very happily) called out: "Hey did you know that James Blunt's girlfriend dumped him right before his album hit it big?"
"Really." I said. I mean, imagine leaving your whining emo pretentious druggie boyfriend. "What a tool."
Next week i'm bringing in the music.

another hit show

well, now that Commander In Chief has gotten the axe, there's room in the primetime lineup for another show. and why not cash in on the inexplicably continuing reality show craze?
I feel that "Easy Listening Idol" would be a hit. not only would geriatric folks like myself get to play, but we could showcase all the terrific adult contemporary music that's out there. not to mention those smooth easy listening chart-toppers from the past.
but who would be the judges?
it could be that i watched American Idol last night and got thoroughly depressed that they were singing songs from the year they were born. and one girl sang a song from 1988.
WTF? people were BORN in 1988? I was in grade 8!
of course, apparently the year i was born has been declared as one of the worst years in music history. i guess 1974 wasn't a particularly stellar year. all i can think of from that year is "Don't Go Breaking My Heart", which doesn't bode well.

in other news, i have but 4 hours left of indentured servitude to my job. 4 hours tonight, 4 hours tomorrow. and then i am done.

have you got another bit with some hair...?

after much cursing and gnashing of teeth, we finally finished our first attempt at completing a puzzle together:


unfortunately, the only puzzle we have in the house is a gift i bought J. at the antique market:



yes, the official Penthouse erotic jigsaw puzzle. surprisingly, with all the pieces included, as we found out. now i'm not sure if this is meant to be a fun couple's activity, or a titillating way for one to while away the hours in solitary fashion. i just know that every piece is flesh coloured. and with the packaging cleverly censored, there is no guide for assembly.
it was epic. J used his sexth sense to piece together all the naughty bits, i could only manage borders and drapery.
i'm not sure we're a puzzle couple.
but now that it's done, what do we do with it? that's what i've never understood about puzzles. you slave over these things for hours, and then you find yourself saying "oh! it's hot air balloons!". except that you've been staring at the photo of hot air balloons on the puzzle box for the past 3 hours. so some of the big reveal is a bit spoiled in that respect.
J has suggested that we mount it (no pun intended), but i'm really not sure where we would put it.

guess who's back

dr. matt reminded me that i haven't updated in a while. and there is much to update...
ok, maybe not. i finished my show, which went shockingly well. the best part was that i didn't have to go to work for a week and a half. it was the greatest reward. even greater than the money we made. of course, that made it all the more tragic to have to go back.
but, in a surprising turn of events, i was offered another job. a temp job, but a job where i make more money and only have to work 830-330. weekdays. no more weekends, no more late shifts, no more screaming customers. just sweet sweet data entry until 330 and i can turn on my brain again.
needless to say, i walked up to my manager and said:
"i need to talk to you."
Manager: ok
Me: I've been offered another job and I--
Mgr: GREAT!
Me: ... uh... and I guess I'm going to be leaving in two weeks.
(awkward pause)
Mgr: Of course, we'll all miss you.
Me: Of course...

well, that was weird. i at least expected a halfhearted attempt to get me to stay. not that i would have. but keeping up the social pretext would have been nice.
and then, i found out that just about everyone else who has ever given their notice gets kicked out the door with 2 weeks pay. because, you see, once the feeling of really not caring washes over you completely, you tend to get a little lazy with your call times. or maybe not go the extra 4 miles for the customer every time.
but apparently, i have no effect on the organization whatsoever, negative or positive. not enough to even try to get me to stay, not bad enough that they want me off the phones. just content to let me run out the clock.
which is fine. it just pisses me off that i could have had a week off before i started my new job. that and my current schedule for my last week is:
Monday 1215-815 (this is trouble. monday AND the first of the month and late)
Tuesday 415-815
Wednesday 3-8
Thursday 415-815

That's right, my last shift is a shitty four hour late shift. i'm not even sure where to turn in my security pass when i leave for the night forever.

but there's no reason to be bitter. the end is in sight.

i need to change my life

first of all, kudos to Dr. Matt, who has won himself one of these:



but more importantly, i was watching tv today (Project Jay to be frightfully honest) and I realized that i was unbelievably jealous of anyone who got to not go to work in a call center, and was able to pursue their own creative endeavours and just generally be the boss of themselves.

and then i realized.

i need to quit my job.
i need to quit my job and be unemployed for a few months with the objective of writing Strike Too, of finishing and sending off the Dutch play, and of getting to work on various screenplays/tv scripts. also, i can finish losing the rest of the weight and get an agent and be terrifyingly successful.

i have the technology. and besides, i can get another job. right?

but then i worry: see, i have all this money saved up to pay my student loan, and i think "just go halvsies on it... then you can write for a few months." then i have visions of going to the drug store to stock up on shampoo, tp, skin cream, all my other little expenses, so i never have to buy stupid shit that i waste my money on. and going to costco and buying a flat of tuna. and a case of ramen.

because i will surely starve.

but mainly, i will never have to go to my stupid piece of shit job again and be talked down to by people who don't understand the concepts of basic mathematics.

joy!

so now i have to decide how much money i need. and pay off some bills. and...er... face the fact that i will be my own boss.

i may need to hold out until the end of june in order to save up cash. not so bad since i have my "vacation" in a couple of weeks to do the show.

oh this will be sweet...
if i actually do it, that is.

burning a cd

which seems so outdated, since i really should just be compiling ipod playlists...
in any case, i really, really want to make a mix of the greatest epic rock songs. as in, considering "epic rock" a musical category. on the list so far...

"Heat of the Moment" - Asia
"Don't Stop Believing" - Journey
er, that "I'm sailing away..." song, is it Styx? I have no idea.
"Tribute" - Tenacious D

i think you get the picture.
also under consideration: "Paranoid Android", "Baba O'Reilly" and "I Believe in a thing Called Love"
so bring me your deliciously earnest, incredibly long, sublimely overdone rock tunes. i will make the greatest cd ever conceived.

any takers?

howie mandel would be pleased to know...

that someone at work has referred to him as

"did anyone watch deal or no deal? with that boston pizza guy? i'd never seen him before!"

poor howie mandel. hopefully he gets free pizza out of the deal.

friday confidential

even though it's actually saturday.

why can't the internet help me?
i typed in "soul crushing job", and it just gives me witty little "tips" from other people's websites like "cultivate your hatred" and "fake an illness".
this isn't what i need right now.
i know, i need to quit my bitching and moaning.
but i just got slammed with my 3rd? 4th? week of 12-8's.
why not just quit?
well, i really just don't want to go buy any office clothes right now.
i want to pay down some of my student loan.
and, uh, i don't want to deal with possibly being not so unhappy with my life?
no wait, scratch that last one.
i really really want to stick this out until i know if i'm in the fringe or not. that's until may or june. that's all i want. i can finish draft 4 of the script and then just fuck off and type memos for the rest of my life.

how do i stop myself from caring at all? or make myself care more? i'm not sure which i need.

hilariously, i always envisioned that my blog would be witty and well written and just really awesome and literary.

oops!

another request trickles in

yes, another request for my play has come knocking on the door. apparently the Big B has been selling the plays from Calgary in a kind of package of sorts, and now a theatre in kitchener has requested a copy of the script. which is good, although i worry that as they are given to productions of shows the size of Oleanna, that this may be a bit on the large-ish side for them.

production meeting last night. i sure am a-fearful of my work schedule clashing with my rehearsal schedule.

day off from the gym today. honestly, when you lose 16 lbs, don't you think SOMEONE should notice and comment? is it possible that i am so covered in fat that i will have to lose 50 or 60 lbs before it makes a visible difference to the public at large?

interesting study of the food chain last night. we were finishing our meeting, a table of youngish actors and writers, meeting with a successful filmmaker and writer (nominated for a GG, no less), when a certain artistic director entered with a certain former artistic director (boy wunderkind turned aging homeboy turned writing star) and we all started chatting. well, a certain misogynist feminist writer entered with the man who is most certainly not her boyfriend who is currently living in toronto, took one look and snubbed us all. now, is this because she was with another dude, and didn't want to get into it? pissed that j and collin and i were talking with the big boys? fallout from the reading that our filmmaker had directed of her disastrous play?

this is why it's impossible to bring non artists into these situations. the politics are WAY too complex.
my apologies to the fact that this speculation was actually aimed at about 0.01% of people reading this who will know the parties in question.

well, off to a delightful evening of work. i'm thinking of posting a safety statistics sign, except mine will say "Hours without being yelled at". i wonder what it will get up to???

am i still alive?

the answer is yes.

i just suck at posting on my blog, apparently. but never fear, things are still the same here.

i'm giving some serious thought to quitting my job, if only so i can work somewhere where i don't have to be there for 12-8 for 2 weeks straight. plus saturday afternoons. i don't know what it is about those particular hours of the day, well, besides the jerky customers, but i just can't stand it. that and my schedule keeps changing. also, i should be starting rehearsal soon.

is it wrong for me to say that a corporation can't own me? like that i don't owe them something extra? beyond providing my (excellent if i do say so myself) services in exchange for money? isn't that the trade? i work. they pay me. they don't get to have extra dibs on all my time. right?

not to mention that no matter how much $ i get paid, when you're working 12-16 hrs a week, it doesn't matter.

realizing that i could currently make more money flipping burgers for $7/hour really puts things into perspective.

sadly, i must go to work now.

u/v