le petit noel

everything was quiet down at the Gingerbread Crack House...



when suddenly, a miracle happened!

santa came...

and brought us presents!


a hello kitty jewellery box!

that would show me the need for a nose job!


something was in the air...


it was time for a revolution!


A DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION!



and he said with a FLASH as he flew out of sight...


merry christmas to all and let's dance through the night!


and god bless us, every one!

is this thing on?

is this blog finally working once again?
i'm tired of typing just to find that nothing displays.
so, back to work.
it's AWESOME.
if you define awesome as sitting next to a mr. k last name rhymes with "locked in". not to mention that my new team doesn't speak to me. as well as being reindoctrinated into the cult. and as i listen to these people talk, i occasionally find myself nodding my head along with them, lulled into submission and agreement. then, later, when the haze lifts, i find myself thinking "what the hell?"
example, everyone who was in sits around spouting this type of dialogue:
"I'm going to the christmas party"
"Oh i'm totally going to the christmas party."
" Are you going to the christmas party?"
"Damn straight. I have a date to the christmas party."

and so on. and the conversation invariably ends with a smug look over at me, as if to say "we're popular. we're going to the christmas party."

it's quite junior high.

u/v

same old same old

same old same old

i want to be a cowboy...

well, i don't, actually. but i am headed to cowtown in but a few short hours for the play reading tomorrow night. get to stay in a swank hotel and hobnob with... uh... well, i don't really know. and my outfit choices for tomorrow night are either (a) kind of slutty looking, and (b) make me look a little sausage-y. i'm sort of leaning towards slutty, but who knows what my whims will lead me to do tomorrow. and just in case my ego was getting the best of me, i had to call this morning to book a ticket for J., and i went through the whole spiel with the ticket agent, gave my name and everything, and at the end of the call, she was like "how did you hear about this event?". and i was like "... uh... i wrote the play?"
so needless to say, i don't think the paparazzi will be hunting me down just yet.
any of you edmontonians who may be following along, there is a reading nov. 11 at 8pm, trans alta lobby (right where the fringe is, and the farmer's market in strathcona).
i have a ridiculously large suitcase that i'm taking to calgary. it's not even really full. it's just that i only seem to own tiny luggage or gargantuan monstrosities of suitcases. hopefully we're not riding down in a mini or something like that... perhaps a mini with a roof rack would be ok.

i don't know what's going to happen when i get back. my temp job ends. the lockout continues. i think this was the one and only voting situation where i felt my vote actually mattered... i voted "no", and considering that the no's only won by--what, like 56 votes?-- i was glad i did. even though it was horrid and disorganized to do it at the last second by absentee ballot.
i don't know how i feel about going back to the line. i'd like to. but i don't know if i'd be welcomed there. since i've been gone for a while, i feel like people will think i abandoned them, or i left them to stand outside for my job while i went and got a paycheck somewhere else. i'm afraid people will think i've been scabbing. which i haven't.
maybe i should just give up and accept that i'm probably never going to go back to work there again. because i am so broke it is a bit frightening.
anyway, that's for next week.
off to visit e-town's cooler, younger, chick-magnet brother.

u/v

in other news for all you obsessive blogreaders...

did someone say deadbeats?

looks like allthingsbrad is back up and running. from la belle province.

so apparently i'm losing higher brain function...

since my email post went absolutely nowhere. disappeared. into the ether. perhaps i've just randomly posted on someone else's blog.

anyhoo, i just saw some clips on the news about the ratification meeting held today. i myself will be the lucky recipient of an absentee ballot, seeing as how this temp has asked for just a little too much time off as of late. and wouldn't you know it, VFC is down, i can't even get the dish.

i did see a certain mr.david d. on the fringes of the pushy-pushy that they showed on the news. as well as a scab known only as "sally", who i must confess i wonder if she is the same sally who was quoted in the paper as "i thank god every day for telus".

i've never met anyone named sally in real life.

otherwise, i was watching tv tonight and saw that prison break is coming back... and badder than ever! you know, i was thinking... actually, in case no one watches this shit but me...

so there's this Hot Sensitive-Looking Guy. you know, the kind of HSLG who wouldn't last 10 minutes on an actual prison show like Oz. but his brother's in trouble, see. he's in trouble because he's on death row for assasinating--- THE VICE PRESIDENT's BROTHER! naturally, such a high-profile crime (because we can all name and care deeply for Cheney's extended family, right?) gets him an expedited trial, and apparently the appeals that normally hold death row cases up for 14 years or so just don't exist. oh, and he's got some kind of troubled kid who's on his way to becoming a young hood. and, uh, there's this girl (that really terrible chick from The Craft? not the buggy-eyed one, the really bad actor one) who's becoming obsessed with his case because they used to go out or something.
anyway. back to HSLG. he's managed to get himself thrown in jail, coincidentally the same jail his doomed brother is housed in. but, fortunately, he's managed to get a series of intricate tattoos all over his body. tattoos of nemonic devices! and... a map that just could facilitate a PRISON BREAK.
so for reasons i can no longer remember, HSLG pretends to be diabetic so he can spend time in the doctor's office, as well as with the innocent young lady doctor who just can't resist a bad boy. pretending to be diabetic requires a vast manipulation of not only hormones and sugar levels, but also the whole prison gang system. as well as helping the warden build a popsicle stick scale replica of the Taj Mahal.
wait, what's this show about?
right. the PRISON BREAK.
so HSLG is using the map on his body to tunnel his way through the sewers, over to death row, back to the doctor's office, and out to freedom. for some reason, none of this gets started until about 5 days before his brother is supposed to be executed. actually, it's kind of a lame, lame version of 24. but in heaven. because there, a thousand years are like a day. except when you're watching this show, it's the other way around.
so, in the first episode, he pretty much breaks out of prison. (oh, right, SPOILER ALERT!) but of course there are the usual complications with the mafia, white supremacist gangs, shemales, and so forth. not to mention that the warden is about to TRANSFER HIM TO ANOTHER PRISON.
which brings me to my original point.
i thought it would be cool if he did get transferred to another prison. then the rest of the season would be him breaking out of his new prison, then breaking into his old prison, and breaking out again, saving his brother forever.
that way, we'd all get our money's worth! 3 PRISON BREAKS for the price of one!

u/v

well it's that time again...

tomorrow is date day. and i have a brand new haircut and brand new skanky stick-on nails all ready to go!

but, considering the current "unpleasantness" at my company, and considering j is an unemployed actor, i think we need to come up with some cheapo date ideas... even cheaper than last week's bowling extravangza...

here are some many excellent ideas for those of you looking for cheap dates... activities, that is:

* a smell adventure!
that's right, go on a smell adventure. you see dogs do it all the time... just follow your nose down a busy urban street, and create astonishing mental pictures of what might have happened. how did these smells get here? who created them? who else will smell them later today? don't be afraid to get your nose right up into some of those interesting stains.

* attend an AA meeting
where else can you go for (free) coffee, meet some exciting folks, and see the ultimate reality show? sit near the back.

* DIY poetry slam
just start spouting off whatever comes into your head. see if your partner can top it. it's poetry! preferable to do it whilst walking down a busy urban street, perhaps having a rest from your smell adventure

* extreme shoplifting challenge
who says crime doesn't pay? an exciting couples activity, you can challenge each other to steal bigger, pricier, shinier items, all using your FREE five-finger discount! see who can walk out of the store with the most stuff. see who can make the most repeat visits to a single store. handicap each other by sewing pockets shut. a great holiday season activity!

feel free to add your own!

u/v

is spamming the new intimacy?

lately i've been really impressed by the folks reaching out to me on my blog-- offering me helpful links to their own blogs about viagra and home financing, and student loans and the like.
but i want more. i need to connect more with my fellow bloggers.

how can i do this?

first of all, i have this massive student loan to pay off. my student loan isn't just a regular student loan, it's a massive student loan. it even prevents me from getting a mortgage, otherwise known as home financing. i know that a mortgage or home financing is just like a student loan, in terms of the massive debt. i can't wait till i pay it off, then i can get all the viagra, xanax and celexa that i need! maybe i can even pay for some poor man's penis enlargement! that way he can be ready and rockhard extra inches at a moment's notice!

that should get the spambots cooking...

u/v

clearly, i am the worst blogger ever

well, maybe not ever. but i can't believe how long it's been. and do i have news?

well, no.

but tonight i was treated to a delightful sci-fi romp on ye olde pay tv. maybe you've heard of it? it's called: ALIEN VS PREDATOR.

holy hell this was the biggest piece of shit. ever.

now, granted, i have only seen bits of various Alien movies, and have never seen Predator. so i may not have been this film's target audience.

but from what i can gather, Alien (a serpentine parasite) and Predator (uh... a Klingonesque race of hunter-dudes who were royally ripped off in that Matrix sequel. the one with the inexcusably long highway chase) are eons-old enemies. Predator has been hunting Alien for sport, and (oh yes i am serious) were using the ancient civilization of Aztecambodigypticans whose temple is located...

wait for it...

DEEP BENEATH THE FROZEN TUNDRA OF ANTARCTICA.

but the temple has been dormant for many years. until a group of international and attractive (well, except for Lance Henriksen) archeologists are lured to the frozen continent by some sort of.. heat signal? Dopplar radar signal?

whatever. anyhoo, they all go down into the hole and they all get slimed/exploded-stomached/spine removed, etc.

except for our heroine, some sort of environmental technician/ice-climbing chick who Predator accepts as one of his own, and they fight together for the future of the earth.

oh. i guess i should have put a spoiler alert here somewhere.

anyway, there's a really unintentionally hilarious shot of chickie and Predator leaping together to avoid... THE FIREBALL THAT THREATENS TO CONSUME THEM!

as far as the whole AVP thing, well, they just don't ever really fight. but the ending does leave it wide open for a sequel.

u/v

not sitting by the phone...

well, tonight at the beer garden, j approached a certain director and asked if he'd cast all his ladies for a certain shak-spear play... mr. x replied "oh, yeah, i really want to ask ms. x to do it, don't you think she'd be great?"
to which j subtly suggested that he might want to do auditions, and even less subtly suggested he might want to see me for the part in question.
"oh. OH. Ah haha hahaha!"
so what else could i do but join in and say i'd be delighted to audition for him anytime he wanted to see me, ha ha ha.
so, needless to say, this ms. x will not be waiting by the phone.

in other news, i believe i will be accepting a temp office job tomorrow... it won't start for a couple of weeks, have to get a criminal record check done, and such. i have a feeling the... unpleasantness won't be resolved anytime soon, so i suppose i might as well cash in. besides, i've really been missing the blandness of business casual in my wardrobe as of late. can't wait to pick up some khakis and sweater sets at fairweather. time will tell if it's a stirrup-pant friendly environment.

u/v

at last a use for my blog

no, it's not strike lockout related news.
i just want to say that if anyone like me enjoys the guilty pleasure of big brother 6, the dirt slinging has begun. and i have to say that howie's new nickname for bitchy mcbitchalot is never going to get unhilarious.
BUSTO!

CLASSIC!

u/v

on a totally unrelated subject...

well, things are a little up in the air here. and perhaps it's because Buddha or Pan or whoever is telling me that now is the time to get that joe job with the flexible hours and the freedom to do what i want. some kind of part-time gig whose resulting poverty will force me to write some brilliance just to haul myself up out of the gutter.
in the meantime, i'm already gunning up to wind the superpass for naming the 2006 fringe. here are some ideas:

1) Fringeapalooza
2) Fringerrhea (my personal favourite)
3) Fringe-a-Roni
4) Chef Fringeardee
5) Fringe This!
6) Fringe Off!
7) Fringe My Ride
8) Fringitosis (j's idea)
9) Fringe Tibet!
10)A Fringer's Guide to Replacing Words with Fringe (Fringe, fringe)
11) Merry Fringe-mas!
12) The Quick and the Fringe
13) Remembrance of Fringe Past
superpass: you. are. mine.

u/v

you, scab-bot

the laws of scabotics:

1) a scab-bot must not harm the money, or, through inaction, allow the money to come to harm.
2) a scab-bot will obey orders given to it by The Company, even where such orders conflict with the First law
3) a scab-bot will protect its own existence, as long as such existence does not conflict with the First or Second laws.

my life as a teenage deadbeat

sadly, B-Rad has removed the original posting. just imagine it's exactly like my post, except he calls everyone on the line deadbeats.

allthingsbrad: Hectic Days

original poster's comments are referenced above.


Deadbeat Days

It has been quite a hectic life I'm leading lately. I'm putting in my hours on the picket, and then some, because of the lockout going on at my work. That's right, I'm picketing, while people are still crossing the line... I don't believe in crossing a picket line over... ahhhh that's a whole other blog. I just know that I've never been happier to stand up and do the right thing. All of us "deadbeats" (to borrow from the brad) are out on the picket line, while the scabs are scuttling to work still. It's as if I hand-picked the people who I would choose to work mandatory overtime, as if I put together an elite list of the people who were in it solely for the money-- I love it!! And I'm getting my picket pay to boot-- it won't raise me into the next tax bracket, but my money is clean and earned honestly. Not to mention the perks we get-- anytime I feel like it, I can face myself in the mirror, sleep soundly at night, eat food delivered to the line by my brothers and sisters from other unions who are supporting us in our fight. And I just can't believe how much responsibility I'm taking on-- all those folks upstairs entrusting me to walk for their jobs as well as my own. It's almost as good as getting that promotion! And I can walk as much over the required hours as I want-- no enforced overtime here! I've lost seven pounds so far! What an amazing environment!

the do's and don'ts of picketing

yes, friends, i am currently "walking the line". and here, i will share some tips about striking that may help you in future labour disputes:

1) think of neutral conversation topics. suddenly, you find yourself spending hours each day with people who you liked to talk to on your coffee break, but never really wanted to meet in real life.
2) don't be afraid to walk away, walk alone. see above.
3) develop conspiracy theories.
4) trying to break up the monotony of chanting for traffic honks by leading people in a round of "we're here, we're queer, get used to it!" is NOT funny.
5) wear comfortable shoes.
6) keep an eye out for media, remember this is YOUR time to be discovered. tape the news and send a clip reel to potential agents.
7) rewrite Green Day songs with union-relevant lyrics. then, grab the bullhorn and try to force others to join in the singalong.
8) take this opportunity to think of "clever" slogans, puns on the company brand.
9) play honk bingo. big trucks, 5 points. SUV's 4 points. compact cars, 3 pts. motorcycles 1 pt.
10) remember, the people who will heckle you are generally not the noel coward set. be prepared with clever comebacks such as "that's what your mom told me last night".
11) hold on to your sign. it gets windy out there.
12) keep up on the latest gossip. remember, information is currency.
13) don't let the bastards get you down.

Detroit and the Doppler 4000

i never realized how concerned detroitagonians were about their weather until i started getting a time-shifted detroit channel on digital. every single day, i could be sitting here watching dr. phil or whatever, and the screen will go black, and a deep, booming voice will alert me to a "CHANNEL 4 BREAKING WEATHER ALERT!!!". it could be a marine warning, a sudden rain shower, some scattered hail, or even just some sudden cloud cover. but whatever it may be, Channel 4 is there, with images from the Doppler 4000.

not that it ever seems to be an emergency. i mean, they never tell you to prepare to head for the basement, or to grab a flashlight and a transistor radio, or to keep an eye out the window for the nice young men from the national guard coming to evacuate you. hell, we've had tornadoes passing by here that had less tv interruption time.

which is kind of what pisses me off. i mean, i'm watching my stories, and they're just getting down to the shit, when suddenly Sam Mantooth or whatever the hell his name is is there telling me it may be raining on Main Street, yet he still manages to return to scheduled programming in time for THE COMMERCIALS. gotta pay for the Doppler, but still.

and i could understand if Channel 4's target demographic was some cluster of michigan storm chasers with loads of disposable income:







but aren't the people that are sitting in their houses in the middle of the afternoon, fretting about the weather, more like this guy than indiana jones?






u/v

highlights of my day

1) the assmaster customer who called me "useless" while i went out of my way to be sweet and upbeat and help him sort out his phone service

2) rolling my little work filing cabinet over this bump in the carpet at work and causing a wheel to go flying off, throwing the whole thing off balance and causing the whole shebang to collapse to the ground

3) the girl at work who stole my desk and caused me to have to roll my filing cabinet over the bump in the carpet

4) being repeatedly bitten by the cat, who has incidentally developed a mysterious "sticky head" syndrome, i suspect from lying with his head in the garbage.

5) shin splints from running yesterday in the reeboks i have owned since high school

6) pangs of nostalgia for the LA Gear shoes i owned before the reeboks i wore yesterday, which also gave me wicked shin splints

7) not having to sit next to Optimus Prime at work for once

8) discovering that writing down "work on fringe show" in my day timer does not in fact equal a binding contract with myself to do so

9) discovering that Kelly whatsherhead won Dancing With The Stars, being mildly disappointed, then being mildly disheartened that i would be in any way disappointed by the results of a reality show i never watched.

10) od'ing on delicious, delicious sunflower seeds.

popularity

when did it leave me?

i never was one who enjoyed popularity... i spent most of elementary and high school secluded, hiding from bullies. a brief spate of friend-having followed in university, after which i decided to chuck it all and head out west for the open plains.

years passed.

which brings us to a couple of weeks ago. an unspecified birthday. a birthday to which numerous friends and even acquaintances were invited. said friends and acquaintances even said "yes, see you there, can't wait, it will ROCK!"

can you guess what happened?

the horror! every teenage nightmare come true. 4 people came out in total. i now acknowledge these select few as my TRUE FRIENDS. the rest... well, as i've said before, it just goes to show that high school prepares you for life in more ways than one, i suppose. where you spend your time secure in the knowledge that while you are morally and intellectually superior to them, the assholes seem to control the world and are rewarded for it.

i'm sorry, getting older has made me more bitter, apparently.

or it could be the running-induced exhaustion from my new fitness kick. either or.

yes, tom, there is a thorazine

is it physically possible for the once-beloved tom cruise to be any more of an asshole? i realize that he's decided to let it all hang out since firing his publicist and hiring a new girlfriend, but his Today Show appearance was too much. it was vile, nauseating, and all i needed to send me over the edge to a tom cruise boycott.

i mean, even ROSIE denounced her cutie-patootie tommy boy.

but seriously, tom. i understand, tom, that you don't believe in psychiatry. but tom, no, tom, listen to me. tom. we all heard you the first time, tom, that you are very much concerned with learning about history, and culture and so forth. but what i question, tom, is that i just can't believe that if you were really so into world betterment, that you'd be so fired up about making a piece of shit like the impending MI3. seriously, tom. it's just not plausible. it's like a... a pseudo-hypocrisy.

can't someone at universal just tell him to shut the fuck up? or can't we get A&E out there and get spielberg and katie and everyone together and organize some kind of intervention?

i mean, i don't believe that my problems are caused by emotional soul scars left by aliens from a past life, but i don't have to go to matt lauer to spout off about it. but next to that, i have to say that a chemical imbalance doesn't seem quite so improbable.