Small bits of progress

I am still feeling like le poop, but am working to keep on keeping on. I've started trying to figure out some new monologues, Shakespeare being my current challenge. It seems like the majority of Shakespeare's women are either 18 or 60, which is a bit problematic for those of us in between. And, of course, you want to avoid the ones that get done a lot, or the ones from the play that has recently been done by the theatre in question. I do think that if you truly kick ass at a piece, you shouldn't worry about it being overdone, but it's nice to have something a little more rare, all the same.

I'm leaning toward some of the goodies in Henry VI, Part 3, which I have never read. And I should probably read parts 1 and 2 as well. I am a little overwhelmed by the complexity of the history, but I guess I'll just have to get over that.

Last night I actually did some mending. Even though we're horribly poor at the moment, there's just no reason for us to look like hobos (or hobettes, or whatever the female version of a hobo might be). Just a Werner Herzog documentary on Netflix, tacos, and mending. Ah, this frugal life.

I've also started applying for that second job I've so been looking forward to. On one hand, it will be so great to have a little money left over at the end of the month. On the other hand, I'm feeling a bit ugh about the prospect of leaving my current job at the end of the day to go pour coffee or check out groceries or whatever I end up doing.

I still have that play to write. And baking to do. And all the other ands on my list of stuff to do in the next three months.

But my taxes are done! Praise be to the gods for House Hunters International marathons for giving me the boost to get all those receipts sorted. Every year, I vow to change my receipt-storing habits, and every year I find myself sorting through various pieces of paper.

And how is your Wednesday?

I'm having a real "Hulk Smash" kind of day...

Which has improved by the news that I have won a free bottle of salad dressing from Safeway! Apparently, that's the reward I get for finally dumping the accumulated receipts from my wallet. For this year, mind you. I have been putting off dealing with last year's receipts, which may or may not be in a huge pile in my office.

My day job is turning into quite a toxic environment, which is not news, but sometimes it is either more toxic or my tolerance is lower, or both. I have four hours left today, not that I'm counting.

I am off to a bit of a slow start with the 3 month plan, but I am not giving up! I am currently looking for a new Shakespeare monologue, as well as new contemporary monologues. And a couple of good songs to add to my book. This month's extracurricular creative activity is "Bake Something". I have my eye on the mustache cookie cutters I got for Christmas--I think some chocolate roll-out mustaches may be in my future soon.

In mentally-interesting news, I have already switched medications once, and the new one is better but gives me crazy, intense, epic dreams. Like, multi-layered, multi-part dreams that seem to span years in dreamtime and leave me feeling a bit exhausted when I wake up. Also, one of the side effects is weight gain--not from metabolism, but from the appetite increase... which I am starting to feel the effects of today.

In writing news, a fellow from Germany requested to read one of my scripts this weekend. I'm preparing to be rejected on the continent as well as in the colonies.

And in achievement news, I can now do 30 girlie pushups!

How is your day going?

Third time's the... charm?

In a truly shocking turn of events, I had a third audition this week--yes, three auditions in a month's time! I really didn't want to go, because I was full of self-doubt and such, but I'm trying to get better about saying "yes" to things, and not letting that fear/doubt/angst control my decisions. So I went, and of course they were running almost an hour behind, and there were all kinds of skinny blonde types there, but it ended up being a really great experience.

For one thing, I had one of those moments of realization--I knew a few people who were also auditioning (for a tv pilot being produced locally), and chatting with them I realized that I always assume people will think I don't belong there, acting-wise, I mean.

"What is she doing here? Who does she think she is? Does she actually think she deserves to be here?"

Because obviously I'm not only psychic, but everyone is thinking about me ALL the time, right? Anyhoo, I realized "Hey, these people aren't questioning whether I can act/should be here/whatever negative thing I impose on them. They accept that I am here because... I'm here."

So... I spend all this time worrying about not being validated by others, when in reality the person who isn't validating me is--me.

Oops.

But I digress. Not only was I having all these staggering personal revelations, but I actually did a really kick-ass audition. I mean, I totally killed it. I made them laugh, I did great with redirects. I heard the director comment "Excellent" on my way out of the room. I was so glad I went.

Even though I didn't book it, I did an awesome job. And it was FUN, which is something I can't always say about auditions. It was fun because I totally forgot about trying to impress anyone (I'm not really suitable age or physical type wise for what I think they're looking for) and just acted.

In other news: I have a three-month plan. Of things I can do to work on craft, vocal technique, writing, this whole creative life thing. Small steps, totally doable, totally changeable if I wish.

Annnnnnd it is looking like I can no longer avoid getting a second job. Freelance gig is not coming through as they promised, and things are getting a little strapped all up in here. Will it be retail? Food service? Toilet cleaning?

Who can say?

400 Posts!

Friends, Romans, countrymen... I have not forsaken you. I suppose I wanted to save post #400 for something special, then realized I might be waiting a long, long time. Since my last post, I have had a couple of auditions--one somewhat disastrous, and one quite good--both directors went with someone else, though. I got rejected from a big fancy playwriting retreat in the mountains, and am still waiting to hear back from several places about a couple of plays. My freelance editing gig has left me somewhat in limbo. I have done countless medical improvs where I pretended to be a sick person for the benefit of medical students.

I have to admit, I could really use a "yes" right now. I am feeling a bit beaten down at the moment. I admit that I have had fleeting (and not so fleeting) thoughts about quitting. I have a feeling that these are just escapist fantasies--the idea of running off and doing something totally different and starting over is vaguely appealing. I think these are just fleeting thoughts and fantasies, though. Really, I have just been feeling like le poop for a couple of months, so much so that I have elected once more to seek chemical assistance for it from my new MD. Life has been a little rough on all fronts--money, sick family members, toxic day job environment. It's fairly easy to get buried in all that, not to mention my usual struggles of being soincrediblyjealous of others (a habit I am trying hard to break).

HOWEVER, I read a great post on another artist's blog today, about the benfits of being grateful. Yes, it sounds quite Oprah-ish, but the post was about how being grateful for what you have is sometimes the best way to get to where you want to be. And I do have a lot to be grateful for.

So, no exciting news after the first 400 posts, folks--I will just keep on keeping on for the next 400. I would like to post a bit more about creative stuff over the next 400, maybe about creative process (because who doesn't like to hear artists wax eloquent about their creative process?), but I promise not to be wanky about it. Or maybe I'll post some not-related-to-theatre creativity, like knitting and sewing and baking.

I need a bit of a fresh perspective, I think. Just in time for the change of season.

Be well, friends and neighbours!

Back

I am back from my workshop--suffice it to say, it was a very intense time. There is something about Banff that really seems to amplify whatever is going on creatively and emotionally. I know I'm not the only person who's experienced that. I don't know if I came away with a new play I'm excited about, which was a little disappointing. But I think I got something more valuable--I was forced to confront some of my feelings about my need for validation, about giving away my power, about how I need to make my own place. A whole bunch of stuff. Plus I met a really terrific and talented group of people who are supportive and excited about each other's projects.

I think I'm in a better place about my feelings of failure/non-achievement. I think I may even be in a better place about figuring out how to move forward and get some stuff done.

A good place to start--I have a commercial audition tomorrow. It involves playing a mom, so I have a feeling a lot of the casting will be determined by how much I may look like the kid they end up casting.

Glad to be back and moving forward.

I made it!

After a long day of travel, I am here.
I had to wait for my room to be ready. But when it was, I found out I am in the same room as when I was here a year and a half ago.
It's a strangely comforting coincidence.

I was going to think of something clever and self-deprecating to write, but then I couldn't. But happy pancakes,everyone!

Today I am working till 1pm, then I have a voice coaching, then some errands, then seeing a show, then packing, then going to bed so I can head off to my class in the mountains tomorrow.

I am nervous. Nervous to the point where part of my brain thinks "Gosh, I kind of wish I didn't have to do this", which is ridiculous, and not at all indicative of what I really want. Just the nerves talking. So I am excited and nervous.

I realize sometimes how much I crave validation, which is an ugly thing to realize about yourself. And creative work that comes from a validation-seeking place just isn't...grounded? Authentic? I don't know, it just isn't truthful somehow. I suppose realizing ugly things about yourself is the first step towards changing those things.

But still.

Also, I am only going away for 5 days. Also, the class is only 3 days long. Also, contrary to what my anxiety tells me, I am in fact talented, deserving, and likeable. And adventurous, even though I think I'm not.

How do you get to the point where you don't have to consciously remind yourself of those things? Or do you have to keep reminding yourself until it becomes autmatic and you don't think about it as reminders at all?

Anyhoo, here's to new adventures!
And mountains!
And pancakes!

Ce soir...

I had a franglais conversation (that's a mixture of French and English) with a real live francophone tonight... he was a playwright whose reading I was at, and we got to chatting about theatre and Montreal, and we were just switching back and forth. Usually I am too self-conscious about my French to use it with a native speaker--I'm so aware that I'm probably making silly mistakes, or that it's so much more of an effort to THINK of the words I want to use. But why not go for it? What did I do all those years of French immersion for if not to speak the language?

Actually, I was pretty pleased with myself for being socially... well, socially competent tonight. Usually I'm content just to nod and smile and listen to everyone else, but tonight I actually made the effort to not just give in to shyness.

This is great, because I have been feeling a bit defeated by life this week... some crap happened that has changed our financial situation a bit, and it was just one of those times when all the little things sort of piled up to make life much more difficult. I need to get into a better frame of mind before next week's workshop.

Onward and upward!

Why have I never realized....

That I can just wear Spanx? Seriously, I saw both my actors putting them on the other night. And they are people with lovely shapes who just wanted to smooth things out a little bit.

Although in my case, it might be the off-brand, cheap version until I can save up to purchase actual Spanx, which I think are pricy.

None of this nonsense of layering several pairs of Spanx, though. I call shenanigans on that. That sounds (a)uncomfortable to the extreme, and (b) like it would put me at risk for some kind of flesh explosion somewhere. I don't want to spend my time on constant alert for that quiet tearing sound that results in bulge-mageddon.

The reading and other updates

So I had my play reading, which went really well--out of the 80 people invited, roughly 20 showed up, which, sadly, is a pretty standard turnout. Based on responses, I do think emailing people or contacting them personally on Facebook was the way to go--a lot of folks were in rehearsal/otherwise engaged, but they seemed to appreciate the fact that I'd thought of them. There were a couple of people who emailed me to say they'd for sure for sure be there and they were so jazzed about it who didn't show up, which is... well, what it is. The workshop itself was pretty intense (I've discovered that people enjoy discussing the issues presented in the play, to the point where they really want to make things more complicated than neccessary. Maybe that needs to be clearer writing on my part, maybe it just means some additional notes up front. I haven't decided.)

I got a mysterious email from a certain Artistic Director, with whom I had Some Very Big Drama a while back. Apparently he's still interested in my plays, and while I do not wish for him to direct my plays, I did float the idea by of a co-pro with a different director. We'll see if that goes anywhere.

Yesterday I found out that my awesome, amazing doctor is giving up her family practice and I have to find a new doctor... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Although Canadian healthcare isn't the dying-in-the-waiting-room-over-four-days mess that certain media outlets and anti-socialized-medicine types would have it seem to be, where I live, it's hard to find a family doctor accepting new patients. So there's that. My doctor did suggest someone in her same clinic, so I guess I will go meet him and see how it goes.

Also in doctor news, I am STILL GAINING WEIGHT. Seriously, on 1200-1400 calories a day and workouts 4-5 times a week. WTF? So off to the thyroid test I go once more. I think it was approaching borderline last time, so I am almost hoping that it has nudged over the edge. I mean, not that I want to have a thyroid condition, but at this point it would be almost relieving to know that there was SOMETHING going on and I wasn't just some metabolic weirdo.

I am contemplating doing a giving-up-sugar thing for a month or so to see if that helps. This will be very hard, because I loves me my sugar.

Annnd I think that's it. It was rough coming back to my regular job after time away doing the thing I actually want to do. I suppose I should take it as a reminder of where I should be aiming to be, and all that.

Oh, and my agent never did respond, if anyone's keeping track. I think it's time to make a move on that front.

I Got In!

To one of the workshops I was applying to--a totally amazing opportunity to learn about performance creation from an amazing artist. In the gorgeous, fabulous mountains. In one month!

I'm so thrilled! I'm a little bit eeeeek about how I'm going to pay for it, but it's going to be so worth it. I just got paid for some of my gigs, which can go toward it, and then I will have to installment-plan myself to pay it off without running up a ton of debt.

I also spent last night sending personal facebook messages/a nicely worded group email to invite folks to my play reading--and I have actually been getting responses. I think some people may actually show up!

2012, you are MINE!

In summary...

There is nothing worse than writing summaries of your own play. Nothing.

I either have to get better at summarizing, or start writing plays that are more easily summarized.

I am writing an email to invite people to a reading of one of my plays next Monday. As a dear friend pointed out, it's important to promote your work, because no one else is going to do it for you. So although I feel a bit "Really? Me?" about sending out such emails, I am trying to just sound like a normal human who happens to be a professional theatre artist, and whose work you would naturally want to see and take seriously. I decided against a Facebook event, because I kind of feel like no one takes them terribly seriously, and an email at least suggests that I am personally inviting YOU to come, rather than just clicking the names of everyone I know.

Who would have thought email would be a more old-fashioned way to invite people to things?

Today

It is -30C, but feels like -44C with the windchill. Today my hair froze to my eyelashes, which also froze a little bit to the top of my scarf, and when I got on the bus all the little ice crystals abruptly melted, causing my eye makeup to dissolve and run down my face.

It's that kind of day. But I finished and submitted all that editing work, despite technical problems, and I don't have any more shows to see until Sunday. I am looking forward to going to the gym and then going HOME. Where I will unashamedly relax in my leopard-print Snuggie.

There has been no response from my agent. But I did read a terrific blog post that reminded me there are many things I can do to get creative. I'm looking for new monologues to work on... not because I have any auditions scheduled, just--well, just because. I mean, yes I will be ready when audition season rolls around, but I think I sort of forgot that you can work on things just to work on them, without having a reason. Just to practice your craft, to explore, and to get better.

And yes, I feel like a bit of an idiot for having lost sight of that. I get so focused on having something lined up, some specific goal to work toward, so focused on what everyone else is doing/achieving that I forgot it's ok (and neccessary) just to work on craft. Because I love it, because I need practice, because it will make me ready when the time comes.

I wish there were more opportunities to do real scene-study class here. For now, I'm going to organize my own personal class.

I hope your day is going warmly!

Am I expecting too much here?

Last week I sent a "What's up/Here's what I've been doing" email to my agent, since I realized we hadn't actually chatted in a while. I haven't heard back yet. I realize that she has other stuff going on/other clients, but am I wrong in expecting at least a brief reply within a couple of days?

I have been putting off getting a new agent because (a) I have really been focused more on writing stuff than acting stuff lately, (b) There isn't a ton of choice as far as agents go where I am, and (c) I totally dread any kind of confrontation.

Though it is beginning to seem like I should just SUCK IT UP and start shopping for agents.

In other news, I am a little overscheduled with editing work, which is due much sooner than I think I can actually get it done. I spent the weekend either working at my day job or working at my freelance job, and I can't wait until I have a weekend where I have no scheduled commitments. That doesn't look like it will be happening any time soon, though.

What is with this compulsion to always be doing something useful? Why do I feel guilty if I have free time?

On that note, I did just pick up some craft books from the library with some adorable projects in them. I'm thinking something small will be a good foray back into sewing.

Back to work!

Happy New Year!

Is everyone still happy about the new year? I myself have a little bit of a combination of "I miss Christmas" and "for the love of God, stop blasting Christmas music in the mall".

I decided to get my resolutions rocking a little bit early and got my hair chopped off (with bangs!) on New Year's Eve Eve (known to the rest of the world as December 30), and to donate blood on the 31st. Which was a bit of a gong show, the blood I mean, not the hair, which is cute.

I had tried to donate once before, but it was very anticlimactic, since they tried to get a vein twice, missed both times, and then said it still counted, so come back in 56 days. Which I didn't, I let it go for about a year and decided to try again, full of fluids and eagerness to give my blood to the blood needy.

It was all going quite well--I don't really like needles (but who does?), but I'm not squeamish about medical stuff/blood. In fact, I find it all quite fascinating. I was chatting with the nurse, who had told me to mention if I felt unwell, when it sudden occurred to me that I was feeling quite unwell--sort of dizzy and nauseous. And I casually mentioned it, and it suddenly became Trauma Centre or something--she immediately yelled "Can I get some help here?" and there were literally 4 people on me, tilting my chair back, putting ice packs on the back of my neck, compresses on my forehead, and sliding a garbage bag in front of me in case I needed to throw up. It was all quite surprising and a little intense, which one of the ice-pack people assured me "it's perfectly normal to feel emotional when this happens", which was good because I felt very emotional. And a little embarrassed, just because.

But they did tell me that my blood would be used, and that it sometimes happens to people when they give blood, but it didn't mean I would feel like that every time and please come back at the end of February and give more. Which I am thinking about. Perhaps the third time is the charm?

Anyway, I am working hard to be positive and get stuff done this year, and I'm looking forward to voice lessons starting again next week.

How is 2012 treating you?

Some more things to work on in the new year...

30 Things To Stop Doing To Yourself

I thought this was just terrific... I know there's more than a couple of things on that list that I need to work on in 2012.

Happy happy and merry merry, friends and neighbours!

The Year In Review and The Year Ahead...

Hello, friends and neighbours! I hope you all had a spectacular holiday weekend, however you celebrate. I had a great Christmas, in fact I didn't leave my house from Saturday morning to this morning, which was perfectly cozy. I got some great loot and didn't indulge TOO much, although I find it challenging to get back to healthier habits... especially with all this chocolate and wine lying around! And getting back to the gym today after some time off for an injury... eep!

I am so happy to have this week off, although I know it will go by too quickly and I'll be back at my day job before I know it. I am one of those annoying people who really enjoy making resolutions (it's a side effect of loving lists), and I always love the idea of the new year--so full of potential and possibilities. Thought I'd do a quick year in review and list some of the things I'm looking forward to doing this coming year...

In 2011: I lost 30 lbs, really started becoming comfortable with my writing voice and process, auditioned more, shot some commercials and industrials, saw a lot of great theatre, joined a gym, found a fabulous voice teacher, sang in front of other humans, quit smoking, developed a plan for us to take care of our debt and finances, rediscovered my love of knitting, traveled (Ontario still counts!), made some delicious food, wrote some plays, submitted, submitted, submitted.

in 2012 I'm planning to:

1) Losing the next 30 lbs.
2) Write a solo play
3) Knit more
4) Sing more
5) Audition more
6) Defy my fear of failure/insecurities and take more risks
7) Sew more.
8) Donate blood
9) Improve my French
10) Have more fun with personal style/improve my wardrobe/find more glamour in everyday life
11) Finish reading the Time Magazine Top 100 novels
12) Get my work out there, that is submit, submit, submit!

I'm looking forward to 2012 being a creative, fulfilling year for me--and hopefully I'll be blogging about it on a regular basis.

What are some of your resolutions?

The Gift of Grant

Oh you guys, today was a great day of hanging out at home, not talking to anyone and listening to Christmas music. I also decided to tackle cleaning behind the fridge, where many half-full containers of cat treats have fallen, and discovered about 20,000 bug carcasses. So gross. Seriously, it was like a Hoarders moment or something. Please don't think less of me, even though I'm sure you all clean behind your fridges every weekend as part of your regular chore rotation.

I actually meant to clean between the dishwasher and the fridge (we have one of those roll-out dishwashers that we only use as extra counter space), and then my perfectionist tendencies took over. I also did many loads of laundry of random clothes that have been sitting around for a while, which led me to realize that I must do a closet purge very soon.

But I digress--I had some good news today. Some great news, actually--the grant we had applied for to do a workshop of my show came through! We get some money to pay actors and a designer and a director, and ME to do some rewrites.

!!!

So, two workshops to look forward to in the new year. Of two different plays.
Take that Christmas rejection!

Countdown to Christmas

Hello again, friends and neighbours! Today I am feeling old and decrepit and sore, due to performing the Holiday Bathroom Cleanse. While this may sound like the latest diet trend, I assure you, it involves nothing more than heavily scrubbing all bathroom tiles in a futile attempt to get them Clean Enough for in-law inspection. It's discouraging, because our house is older and wasn't terribly well cared for by previous tenants. Hence, my quest to make our (strangely pink) bathroom Hotel Clean is an exercise in futility. Yesterday we tackled the living room and the bathroom; today we may deal with the kitchen, including such highlights as Annual Fridge Cleaning (sob), and Moving The Stove To Clean While Guessing Whether We Will Be Surprised By A Mouse, Either Living Or Dead.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS! Am I right? Fortunately, this will leave only the back room (aka Hoarder Room, Room of Shame)to tidy, although the fact that it has a door invites procrastination, and the mud room, which really, people only pass through on their way into our house, so perhaps a quick tidy is all that's in order there.

It looks like my planned dinner may be falling through, so I may have to cook something rather than relying on store-bought loaf. J has helpfully suggested I have veggie chicken fingers, which somehow doesn't seem suitably fancy. And my shopping is done, (with the exception of the 4,351 forgotten items I will surely need to get on Christmas Eve), cards are mailed, tree is up.

Which gives me time to sulk about the latest rejection email received yesterday. It's Christmas, people! Why not reject me during that dark, disappointing time between Christmas and New Year's and let it strengthen my resolve to make 2012 MY GREATEST YEAR. Instead of pooping in my stocking?

And yes, I am thinking of resolutions and changes and all that stuff that New Year's tends to bring out. I can't help it. I love lists.

Really making it happen

I had a rather long conversation with myself last night--long story short, I had a realization that my craving for validation from other people is what sends me down ye olde insecurity spiral. And the funny thing is, I don't need EVERYONE to validate me. Just certain people. People who for one reason or another I have deemed it is IMPORTANT to think that I am good, that I am talented, that I am hireable, that I am... well, you get the picture. One of those things that makes me spend all my time worrying and wishing rather than doing.

Well, after long conversation with self, I felt sufficiently annoyed with myself for continually giving away power to people who don't even care, and some of whom I don't even like, that I am determined to stop doing that.

Seriously, how many times can I say that? The only way to do things is... to do them. Big revelation, I know. Accept that by doing I could also be failing, and be cool with that, and put myself out there and just... do it.

I have to stop wondering if I am any good, wondering what people think of me. I keep listing to myself all the times I was validated: getting cast, getting callbacks, getting good feedback, and trying to ignore the immediate "Oh, but that's only because..." that pops up in my head.

How do you get rid of that Ohbut, anyway? He's getting pretty freaking annoying.

Is this another case of "fake it till you make it?"